Jun
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The 12 Steps
Posted under Uncategorized by Recovering Straight GirlThe Recovering Straight Girls Twelve Steps to Becoming a Lesbian*
- We admit that we are powerless over being lesbians; that our lives have become unmanageable trying and pretending to be straight.
- We have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity;it is the power of pussy.
- We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to being with women, and have made that shift by actually engaging in hot sexual relations with a woman…more than once.
- We have made a list of all the men that we slept with; accepted that straight sex is mediocre sex, and forgave ourselves for wasting so many precious years sleeping with men. We have come to realize, accept and willingly expect that orgasms do happen (over and over again,) and that they are a normal part of sexual relations. We have also realized accepted, and now expect that sex last longer than ten minutes. Note: Some personal training is required in this area to build up an endurance level.
- We have admitted to a higher power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs pretending to be straight. In other words: we came out, and realized that we would rather have dental work done than have sex with another guy.
- We have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and with much certainty and without hesitation, cut our nails, and very possibly our hair.
Note: During this step, some recovering straight women may want to also get a tattoo or piercing, this is entirely a matter of choice. A tattoo or piercing is not a requirement as of this writing. - We are entirely ready to have the higher goddess remove all these defects of being straight: To prove it, we have gone to at least one lesbian bar, lesbian dance and/or lesbian event (preferable a lesbian folk singer); we have purchased CD’s from Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, and/or The Indigo Girls; and we have acquired at least one item with a rainbow on it.
- We are removing our straight shortcomings: We no longer refer to our straight friends who are women as our “girlfriends,†and reserve that term only for women that we are sleeping with. We have accepted that hiking is a part of life, (although secretly it can be disguised as shopping,) we have purchased a sports bra, (although we know that it’s only to be worn while playing sports.)
- We have traded our magazine subscriptions to Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Elle, and Marie Clare; for new subscriptions to Curve, Girlfriends, and The Advocate.
- We have continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit. We are open to guidance from our lesbian sisters on things related to: the proper placement of hand stamps at lesbian nightclubs, women’s basketball (especially the women’s NCAA tournament,) camping, baseball cap etiquette, dogs, cats, and beer.
- We have sought through prayer, meditation or deep reflection ways to first access, then fine tune our newly realized “Gaydar†in order to improve our conscious contact with lesbians. We then have:
a. Successfully recognized a lesbian and tried to make some kind of contact with her outside of a typical lesbian arena.
b. Been “nodded†at by another lesbian who recognized us, outside of a typical lesbian arena. Note: This is a very important, but very difficult task that may take a lot of practice before achieving. Do not be discouraged, do not give up! - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other straight women, near and far, in the city, in the country, and in the suburbs (especially the suburbs,) and to practice these principles in all our lesbian affairs.
*Let’s be clear here people. This was written to be funny, although like most jokes, there is a lot of truth in it. I’m not making fun of people with addiction issues who use the actual 12 Steps, I’m making fun of myself…mostly.
Written by ME, The Recovering Straight Girl in 2005, so don’t be stealing it, mmkay?
found your blog by accident and must admin, it was perfect.. loved your description of your partner as well as your DD. very cute.
Interesting 12 step approach - haven’t tried any, have been in my relationship for 23 years now - no need. I’ll def. be sharing the site with a few people I know who could use directional guide.
[…] RSG at Recovering Straight Girl is “leading the doily dyke revolution.” She covers some tough issues and makes me laugh at the same time. You must go and read her 12 Steps! […]
Hee hee– so with you on the dental work.
[…] noticed another necessity for recovering straight girls last night – learning to not return the male gaze. I went to this thing last night, where […]
LOVE IT! So true!
This is awesome. Found your blog after your friend Girl Punch became famous in the ADVOCATE. Question… since I have no idea where to look in the archives… what does HG stand for? I ask because I call mine HB (for Honey Bunny - I know… how queer!)
Christ! Is this supposed to be funny?
When I read this I thought OMG more “lesbian” propoganda by a sexcentric male getting his jollies. Lesbianism isn’t a lifestyle choice but a life. It’s not something you can encourage - we each have to find where we stand on our own. And it’s not all black and white. Once in a while I still yearn to be with a guy.
And the act of making love with a woman and actually being a lesbian are not one and the same. From what I understand, girls are having sex earlier and earlier these days. Some girls who are unsure of their sexuality feel pressured to try sex with another girl when they’re barely in their teens because they think they’re lesbians and they think that’s all that lesbianism is. Lesbianism has nothing to do with the bedroom. You’d think it would be a simple concept to understand. Why parade around as lesbians and attack us? Why do you hate us?!
This type of juvenile ‘fun’ hurts the esteem of every non-hot female who prefers their life partner to be female. I’ll admit I’m not a young hottie, but I am a lesbian, and I always get steamed up when I hear about guys talking about lesbians as nothing but ditzy orgy girls who just want to turn men on. It cultivates a harmful representation of what would otherwise be a private and personal facet of a human being. Can you understand how incredibly hateful and demeaning that is? This whole 12 step thing is just sex. What a joke! A joke…
Ahhh! Joke. Funny. I’ll admit it, I missed the joke. Shame on me, typical dyke with no sense of humor, right? Yeah, I thought so.
Not a joke, but a life experience expressed with humor that you obviously didn’t read very carefully.
There is nothing about me or my website that is hateful, demeaning, or attacking towards lesbians. Hello? I am a woman, and a lesbian. Not a “sexcentric (which isn’t a word,) male getting his jollies.”
Context, my dear. Context.
Only a few of the points were about sex, which happens to be an important part of any (healthy) lesbian or straight relationship. And for the record, I have never heard a man talk about lesbians as “nothing but ditzy orgy girls who just want to turn men on.”
And seriously, what does Christ have to do with your point?
Wow Pessimistic you certainly are aptly named!
I can’t tell you how much I love your Blog. I am so glad that I live in the scary sub-burbs with people who are calm, sane, kind, and real like you are. I hope to get to know you both better. (and I was completely serious about going to the fun club some night. Unlike the crazy moms here, the stick up my tush was removed years ago!)
I would like to share your blog on not only my own blog but also on my myspace. I laughed the whole way through and would like permission to share with the link to your blog and your name. Of course. I am also I guess a recovering straight girl! And alot of what you said in this post is kinda what I said to my mother the other day. I can’t stop laughing.
These are BEYOND funny. Could I possibly have permission to copy and share them on my blog - with proper credit given and link included? Please, please pretty please
With so many of the comments above…I wholeheartedly concur!!!!
The 12 steps rang loud bells for me - and made me laugh - I am a RSG too…what you say is soooo true!
I am 16mths or so in the process of recovery, with my very own “HG” and have never felt more alive, more content, more fulfilled, more wanted/desired/loved/adored/cherished/treasured - ever! And I had my fair share of “nice” men…and a 10yr marriage…and I too have a couple of DD’s (95 and 98)!
Your whole blog is wonderful and refreshing…and as many have said before, you have a talent for writing…:-)
Your RMWHG and your DD’s have much to be thankful for in their lives…as you clearly do too…
Keep up the good work
jay
Wow, Pessimistic P went on quite a tear over nothing. I think your post is inventive and thoughtful and funny in spots, it definitely suits your name, and people that get all offended at other people’s blogs should just leave quietly and find someone else’s blog to visit.
The very definition of a lesbian is a woman who prefers sex with another woman. How can sex not be a part of that equation? Whatever. I like your 12 steps very much! Rock on!
[…] J. (another RSG, about a year ahead of me in the whole process) and I came across Kathryn’s Recovering Straight Girls 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian and we just about killed ourselves laughing as we read the steps aloud. I just had to ask […]
Hi RSG,
I found your post through Jen’s re-posting on her awakenings blog and loved it. So much so I couldn’t resist adding another point to the list myself. I hope you’re not suspicious, but here’s my point number thirteen
13. We have searched the internet far and wide for lesbian films, lesbian tv shows, books with gay women and poems about sapphic love. And once we have watched all the bad ones, (wondered why Lost and Delirious is so melodramatic, wished there was more sex in Imagine Me & You), read the okay ones, cringed at the awful ones, and fully saturated ourselves with YouTube clips we finally admit to ourselves that we might like to go out into the world and try some sapphic love for real.
Eshne
Holy crap…I own a sports bra.
Found you through drowning pisces. Laughed my butt off. Thanks!
Interesting comments and very humorous regarding the 12 steps. However, I’ve know *far* more lesbians who have decided to leave the fold for the “straight” life. We all know our share of “hasbians” out there.
Found this website while looking for another 12 step program and thought it was brilliant!!! (still haven’t found what i’m looking for)
I love your 12 steps! I am so sorry it took you so long to come out. I came out at 19 and I felt like I had missed some good living!
O.K., what makes lesbian sex not mediocre? ‘Cause, last time I remember, there isn’t a thing a woman can do that a man can’t when it comes to sex: Licking; fingering; kissing; you name it. Actually, a man can do more without the help of plastic toys–and yes, men can make women orgasm as much as women can–they both take just as long. Anyway, sex is pleasurable, but it also has the reproductive function. I think the issues here are dominance and love. Lesbians (lipstick or not) like making other women moan because they’re tired of making men moan. Lesbians also like feeling both sides of the love world: Boobies and cock. I’ve seen real lesbians, and they’re perfectly respectable, butch women. Anything else is communist, lipstick propaganda that is widespread throughout college campuses and that is orchestrated by White supremacists to prevent Aryan women from breeding with non-Aryan men. I’ve only noticed white women were lipstick lesbians–something to think about.
even tho i’m young, i kno lesbianism, is more than sex….even tho the sex is so incredible. but i am a third-wave feminist.
much pride love
I am a recovered lesbian. I was straight in high school and I started experimenting in college. I lived with my girlfriend (Katheryne) my last two years of college. But I wanted children. And she didn’t. We were together 8 more years after we both graduated from college. She decided she didn’t want children. We broke up soon after. I went out with three other women after that. However, nothing ever felt right. I knew a lot of great guys but never gave them the chance because I had all these other women telling me I was a lesbian. I met my current husband. He’s great. We’ve been married 5 years now. He practically got in a car accident when he heard my water broke! I love him dearly. I am so glad I stopped lying to myself and gave my children a chance to be in a wonderful family. I still stay friends with some of my lesbian friends but I end up spending so much time with my husband and children that I can’t alwas seem my friends from college. But we still spend time from time to time and I am glad I have stayed friends with them. They don’t bash me for being with a man. In college they told me that I was a true lesbian but I felt uncomfortable with that. However, now, they think it’s wonderful that I am happy. Maybe it’s the maturity through age. I appreciate them. This is why I have stayed friends with them. I am 34 and so is my husband. Life is definately good. My husband constantly tells me that we are going to be together for eternity which means so much to me. I came across your webiste from a friend. But I thought I’d add my story to add some irony.
~Love~ Stephanie
Hey,,, damn never thought I would comment about this, but your 12 steps really got me,,,:) thats really cool,,,, be true to yourselves girls and to hell with everyone else, and if you can have fun doin it …great!!!!!!!!! each to their own and in their own time, it aint love that the world needs more of, , its acceptance and tolerance. Almost makes me wish I were gay lol,,, nope,,,, gotta be true to myself too, I am a 10 min man in training lol :), (step 4), lol.
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