So far away from me . . .

I recently re-connected with an old boyfriend that I haven’t seen or spoken to in over twenty years. When I say “re-connected” I mean to say that I may have Web Stalked located his e-mail address via Google and we have exchanged a few polite e-mails. And when I say he was my boyfriend I really mean to say that as a 16 year old I was madly obsessed in love with him and may have lost my virginity to him on an October evening in 1985. I remember that evening as if it were yesterday. I wonder if he does? I won’t be asking him. If I would have forgotten anything about that evening or any other evenings that I shared with him over a span of several years I could be easily reminded by the painful diary entries that are still hidden in the bottom of my cedar chest at the end of my bed. Should someone keep painful memories at the end of their bed for over twenty years?

Today I sent him a long e-mail letter that went over a little bit about nothing. I did not share intimate details of my life only silly things about recent camping trips and that I have an amazing partner who loves me to death and worships the ground that I walk on and that someday we’re going to sail in South America and after that I’m going to teach writing at Berkley.

I didn’t ask him some of the stuff that I am dying to. Like does he still have that photograph of me in the nighty that he took that day in his bedroom? I’d love a look at it–I bet I look smokin’ hot (and young and skinny.) I didn’t ask him if he had weird dreams about me like I’ve had about him for over two decades or if he ever regretted breaking my heart a million times–and why. I didn’t ask him if his wife was frumpy and ugly with saggy boobs, glasses, grey hair and bad posture or if he had gained weight and lost his hair. I don’t think I want to know the answer to that–he’ll always be 18 in my mind and that is the image I would like to keep.

In the first e-mail he sent to me he said, “you haven’t changed a bit.” No I didn’t send him a photo of me–he was saying that based on my words not my looks. I responded and told him I had but didn’t mention just how much. I did tell him that I’ve turned into a person that I really, really like–and that is probably the biggest transformation from the girl I was way back then to now–and that’s a hard thing to explain over e-mail.

Inside I have grown (wiser, refined, confident)–outside I have grown (into a more mature but lovely lady)–my heart has grown, my soul has grown, and my everything has become more beautiful.

My life has been somewhat like a perennial that has been damaged by the frost. It died back to nothing in the winter–but in the spring it grew eight feet tall and continues to grow and flourish every day.

That young girl who loved that young boy is so far away from me but they both live in my heart just a little bit so that I won’t ever forget where I first learned about the beauty of love. Unrequited or not, it was still love to me and I will never forget–no matter how far away from me it becomes.

It’s funny how the past is never truly dead. What you see in the rear view mirror is always closer than it appears and accepting and making room for that in your life is almost always necessary. Coming to terms with pain and disappointment, mistakes, and bad decisions only paves the way for further growth and development. Embracing the movement of change allows fresh and new people, energy, and experiences to come along–creating more memories that tell the story of your life.

The past may be so far away–but it’s not so far that you can’t see it–and looking at it from the perspective of being over here is a much better view.

Let’s for fun–just take a look at me then–

and now–

Older yes. But so much happier!!!

Sun and Surf

HG, the girls and I went with my BFF Neighbor Judy and her son to the Oregon Coast this past weekend.

It is a rare scene to see the sun at the Oregon Coast. We had sun and it was warm which is an even rarer site.

The kids had a blast–the dogs did too and HG and I were able to enjoy them all. It’s so nice doing this kind of thing with them in the summer without the typical school and sport obligations. We enjoy having some fun time with them for a change!

When I returned home yesterday I discovered that one of my rose bushes has 16 buds ready to bloom. When they are ready–I think I’ll pick a dozen for my wife–to make up for the argument we had about socks today. It all turned out fine and when HG admitted that she was wrong and was making a big deal about it and that socks didn’t really matter–we made up. I told HG that I would try harder to keep track of the socks. DD#1 was standing there; she rolled her eyes and asked, “Did you really have an argument about socks? That’s really important!”

“Actually” I told her, “The important thing is that we resolved the argument about socks.”

I hope HG and I never have anything bigger to disagree about besides what happens to the socks when they leave our feet.

So far, I think we’re doing okay.

More Oregon Coast pictures on Flickr.

I was a swimsuit model

For just one day.

Last night was Back Fence PDX and in a moment of weakness, coerced by the charms of one Melissa Lion, I agreed to model a swimsuit. A fabulous and beautiful swimsuit made by Pam at Popina which is the greatest swimsuit shop ever.

I bought a $37.00 spray on tan and a nice lady did my hair. Straightened my hair with a little puff on top and a flip. My hair doesn’t do straight–but Sadie the Stylist made it behave. She’s fabulous.

I also wore false eyelashes.

The photos?

Oh, the photos. The ones I took and the ones HG took? They’re nonexistent because I pulled out my D-50 to find that my battery was dead.

If anyone has a photo–please send it to me here. I will blow kisses at you and say nice things about you on my blog.

Jess was there with her handsome brother who has amazing hair and her friends. Jess’s friend S. lurks this blog. She really should leave a comment some time–I like them really and I don’t (usually) bite. I’m also trying to convince S. to come over next week and babysit my children. Last night while they were home two of them got into a huge fight, hitting and kicking and dragging my BFF Neighbor Judy into their drama. So as a natural consequence HG and I are planning a night out where we will hire a babysitter that they will pay for out of their allowance. I need a hardass babysitter and S. is a teacher and a coach–she’s the woman for the job!

Please S. come over and make my kids clean the house and run laps around the track. And push-ups. I think they should do push-ups.

The event was fun and the weather divine. Summer has arrived in Portland and I am so very happy. There is just something about sunshine that brings happiness and joy.

Today we are leaving to go to the beach with my BFF Neighbor Judy, the kids (sans DD#1) and a million dogs.

The sun will probably not be shining there but the beach is and that is good. I will have sand between my toes because that’s what you do in the summer. Sand and surf, my family, my friend and the love of my life.

More summer sweetness.

Summer Love

Tonight is Bites for Rights and Back Fence PDX. I will be participating in both–but I will only be modeling a Popina swimsuit for one.

Everyone in Portland should go to dinner at a participating restaurant and then head over to Back Fence for a drink, storytelling and swimsuit modeling.

It’s summer after all.

The girls and I just returned from a camping trip. Without HG. I towed, detached, and set up the trailer BY MYSELF.

I then split three loads of wood.

BY MYSELF.

With my ax.

Seriously, I split it–

Do you see that look of determination? We won’t mention that by yesterday I couldn’t even pick up the ax because of the soreness in my neck. right shoulder, arm, and hand.

Here’s what the wood looked like–

Is that fine looking wood or what?

The camping was fun. DD#1 brought a friend so I was graced with two 13 year old girls. Across the camp were 15 and 13 year old boys. Do I need to tell you what the girls did the entire time? Casually hung out. With their hair did. Smiling. The boys came over and asked if the girls could play flashlight tag. I almost threw up. It was the first time a boy has come to ask permission to do something with one of my girls. The older boy called me “ma’am”.

I got out my gun and shot them on the spot.

The girls’ giggling and whispers brought me back to when I was their age. Only I was at the beach with my best friend Liza Babcock. The boys were Brett Ragsdale and Steven Carter. Steven Carter kissed me on the lips that summer. I didn’t know how to do it. Later I asked Brett Ragsdale if Steven Carter said anything (about the kiss.) He told me that I did it wrong because I opened my mouth. I was mortified.

Steven Carter was my boyfriend all summer long until we moved away and if I ever see him again I will probably kiss him to prove I now know how.

Summer Love. So sweet.

Yes, my bike is gay. It is really, really gay.

How do I know?

Why, just look at it.

That is my shiny new bike. Do you see the baskets? And the flowers? And the bell?

The secret to my bike is this–

It’s a lazy girl bike.

It has an Electric Assist.

That little thing that says Electric is Electric, as in “makes it go” electric. It has a key. See it hanging there? And when you turn the key and start pedaling, the electric assist helps you to pedal. It helps you pedal while you’re riding on a flat surface or on a hill. If you don’t want to pedal at all, you just push a button and it goes by itself–no pedaling required.

Yes, lazy.

And delightful.

HG and I picked up the bike on Saturday and didn’t use our car again until today (Tuesday.) We rode 12 miles the first day and several more the next and several more the next. Last night we all rode our bikes into town for dinner. No gas required, and me without breaking a sweat.

Sweet.

I’m madly in love with my new bike and I am going to ride it everyday, even when it’s 45 degrees and windy and rainy like today. Someday when summer arrives, I will ride it and get a tan while going to the market for my food shopping.

I did tell you all that there would be jealousy. Don’t be jealous–buy one for yourself with your China money. We found mine Green Scene in Portland. They were super nice and very helpful and a high recommend. Go, go now. Go buy a bike. Gas is too expensive. I hate it, I hate gas.

Aren’t incoming links to your blog neat? Today I was alerted about this one. I’m not sure what language that is, I just hope they translated everything properly. Who knew? Lezzies in Istanbul. I’m not even sure where Istanbul is in the world, but I now know that some lesbians live there.

Today is Melissa Lion’s Birthday! She’s back from her trip to Sunny Southern California with a tan no doubt, and older. But just a teeny bit. Happy Birthday Melissa!

I need to study some more. Tomorrow I have a final and I’m off for the summer– with the exception of online classes, but they should be easy. I hope.

Research Paper Grade came in today. A.

My life is very excellent.

Sweet Dreams Are Riding a Bike*

This new flowery blog theme will have to do. My genius is reserved for other things–not altering code in blog themes. I tried to fix the other theme but I couldn’t get it to work. I even deleted the theme, downloaded a new one and uploaded it again–still blacked out comments. So here we are–a different flowery theme. I like it, but I liked the other one better–but I won’t cry about it. Not today anyway.

Today I am too happy to cry. Why? Because I got a new bike yesterday! A bike that I can ride to Target and Safeway and to get coffee and visit friends and not drive my car that costs five cute tops at Marshall’s to fill up. I figured what better way to use some of China’s economic stimulus money than invest it in clean energy transportation.

Thanks China! I don’t care for your food or your policies–but I like your money!

Let me just say that My New Bike is the Coolest Bike on the Planet. It’s beautiful, red and shiny and it has a bell and a basket and a cushie seat.

And a secret.

I won’t reveal the secret yet–I’ll save it for the picture, or the video that will be coming up soon. I will tell you that the only thing that I don’t like about My New Bike–is that is that everyone is jealous of it–and I am sad that the whole world doesn’t have one.

I’m off to make a flower arrangement to adore the basket. If I’m riding a bike around town–it will be doily and flowery–because that’s the kind of lesbian I am.

*When I was a little girl, my Nana would ride a bike with me on the back in a baby seat. While we road I would sing a song that went, “Riding a bike, sweet dreams are riding a bike.” I was only two or three years old, but I remember the song!

Attn: John McCain. Please Stop Calling Me.

Why is John McCain calling my house every other day? He never leaves a message he just lets the phone ring a few times and hangs up. I see it on my caller ID and I get anxious. What does he want? Is he drunk dialing me or something, is that why he never says anything? Does he just get nervous about calling and hang up before I answer.

John–Stop Calling Me! I am not voting for you, I don’t even like you. I’m a progressive-liberal-feminist-democrat. You and I are not friends–not on Twiiter, not on Facebook, not on MySpace, and not in real ife. Knock it off.

New theme over here. It’s very flowery and I like it. I borrowed the idea from someone’s blog but I don’t remember who–if it’s you–thanks, let’s be Blog Theme Sisters!

We’ve worked out some of the technical difficulties on this flowery blog (and when I say we, I mean Annette who is the tech support QUEEN at HostingMatters.com and one of my favorite people in the world.) My e-mail is working again–you can e-mail me here. I have one more technical difficulty and that is getting rid of that nasty message from Google that my site is extremely dangerous to everyone, especially women and children. I promise, this blog site does not sleep around–and it has no viruses. Clean. Promise.

If anyone would like to help me with that. Let me know. I’ll send you cookies or take you out for a beer–depending on if you’re in a program or not. (I am NOT an enabler.)

HG and I were going to go camping this weekend but it is raining and like 40 degrees. Those of you who do not live in the Pacific NW may find this unusual but those of us who live here are quite aware that this is pretty typical June weather. I am looking forward to the 5th of July, which is when our summer officially begins. Less than a month to go and out come the flip flops, tank tops, sunglasses and fun!

Well, except for the fact that according to some completely crazy whacko religious people the world is ending on June 12th. Mark your calendars just in case they are correct.

Until then, live well–you never know!

PS All of my comments are black–as in blacked out–I am investigating.

It’s hard to stay focused when I’m so co-dependent

The ladies at Back Fence PDX were nice enough to ask me to write a post for them. I did. It’s here.

The Portland Mercury comes out tomorrow. Pick up a copy, I may have something in there.

Today my friend Jeff and his most beautiful baby in the whole entire world took me out for lunch. I had Indian food, (like Indian-Indian, not Native American-Indian.) I never had it before, I had no idea what I was eating, but it was very, very good.

I’m doing mad amounts of homework and writing my final research paper on “The Lack of Marriage Equality and its Effect on Children in Oregon” (it’s a long-ass name, I know,) but I can’t stay focused because I am obsessed with my Twitter and my Facebook.

I could possibly be co-dependent on Twitter and Facebook–or maybe Twitter and Facebook are enabling me to not concentrate on my homework. I’ll have to work that out in therapy–after my school term is over.

Oh look at that–someone wants to be my Facebook friend!

99 cents worth of gas please

It’s final primary day and I am looking forward to the whole thing being over. Time to unite the party–everyone fall in line–and let’s keep our eye on the big game in November.

Californians will be voting on whether or not to ban Gay Marriage on November 4th. Until then, the state will begin issuing marriage licenses, beginning June 17th. I hope those in the wedding industry are looking forward to a big surge in business this summer–California has a lot of gays! LeLo and I will be at BlogHer in San Francisco in July–if anyone was planning on arranging their wedding plans around my schedule.

Speaking of BlogHer. I just took a peak at the Agenda and noticed that there is a session on Queer BlogHer. If any of my fellow Queer Bloggers will be at the conference, send me an e-mail–perhaps we can organize a Queer Blogger cocktail party.

I enjoy cocktails–and just to clarify to a recent commenter–I’m co-dependent, not an enabler. If you’re going to accuse me of being something at least get the correct disorder. Geez.

It’s wrap-it-up week. Two school days left and one final. This is bittersweet as I will be happy to have the summer off from commuting to school but it also means that the children will be home All Day Long. This means that I have three long months to endure the pain of bored children who argue and create havoc disturbing my auditory environment continuously.

I certainly won’t be able to afford to go anywhere–with gas prices at $4.10 a gallon. Two days ago I paid $3.98–it cost $67.00 to fill my tank (or the equivalent of four tops at Marshalls.)

I remember when gas hit $1.00 a gallon. People were outraged, they protested, they bitched, they picketed, they complained. I was in the car with my neighbor when she went to the gas station and filled her car with 99 cents worth of gas–just to make a point. What that point was exactly, I’m not certain, but she made one.

And here we are, paying over four dollars a gallon and no one seems to care so much. We’re complaining, but we’re still driving around. Today I drove DD#1 and two neighbors to school because it was pouring down rain and she was afraid that she would melt. The carpool lane was filled, bumper to bumper, people everywhere driving their Suburbans and their Tahoes and their whatevers. I was driving the Lesbaru and having anxiety–wondering how much it was costing to drive my kid to school.

I think this summer will be spent hanging at home a lot–doing some projects and riding our bikes. I will be writing. I have some projects brewing in the back of my head including a new blog project and more. Much more. It will all be on the list. The Summer List of Things To Do.

Summer–it’s just around the corner–time to get your list on.

Things I Know

It’s Thursday and I have absolutely no idea how it got that way. Life has just been a whirlwind of activity and a LOT, LOT, LOT of writing. I’ve been writing so much that my brain is physically tired. Do you know what it feels like to have your brain physically tired? It’s kind of like when you go to the gym and work out three times as hard as usual (not that I would really know anything about that) and you are so fatigued that your muscles feel weak you can’t move. My brain feels like that. As a matter of fact–my brain is buzzing with fatigue. I have Buzz Brain.

I wrote a research paper last week on Marriage Equality and it’s Effect on Children–turned it in on Friday at noon. Got my grade back yesterday. 4.00 out of 4.00= A. Wrote a presentation on Sex Toys for my Human Sexuality Class–no grade yet, but it was good. Wrote my weekly piece for The Oregonian, wrote a post for Back Fence PDX–it’s not up yet. Wrote a piece for The Mercury’s Pride Edition–comes out June 6th. In the process of writing about Spoken Word Publication for tomorrow.

Brain Buzz.

Brain Buzz is the opposite of Writer’s Block. I just decided.

So, LiLo (not LeLo) the other LiLo–the crazy one–is a lesbian? All the queer women in the world and she picks her? Ok. Whatev LiLo.

And Jodi Foster left her girlfriend of 15 years for a writer?

A lot of drama going on in your closet there Jodie.

I asked HG if she was going to leave me for a writer. She said, “Uh, why? I’m already with one.” Right. A Brain Buzzed Writer.

Other Things I Know

New York is going to recognize same-sex unions performed elsewhere–elsewhere meaning places other than New York–like Massachusetts and Canada. This is definitely a step in the right direction and I imagine that soon Niagara Falls will be making a big comeback as The Honeymoon Capitol of the world.

I took the girls to High School Musical on Tuesday. It was surprisingly quite good and I am super-happy that I went. Reminded me a lot of Grease without the smoking and gangs and underage drinking (or bowling–there was no bowling.)

It is now preferred to use on one space after a period when typing. I consulted several authorities on the subject and this was their general consensus. I’m still not sure that I agree–but I am trying to conform. Change is hard people.

Tomorrow evening we are going to QDoc to see a fab queer film.

We had a great time on our Big Lezzie Camping trip–I’ll post some photos as soon as I have some free time. LeLo posted some on her Flickr–including one of my new Ax.

All of you who made fun of my hatchet? Ha-Look at that bad boy. Try not to be jealous of my Butchness.

And I believe that is all of the Things I Know for today.