Enough Lesbians To Go Around

On my previous post I mentioned a website that offers support to “married women attracted to other women.”  I stated that I would check out the site after a commenter chastised me for mentioning it.  She further went on to say of the site, “Why is it ok for women married to man that think they are lesbians to go and take perfectly good lesbians away from other lesbians?”

I found this an interesting comment.

I didn’t realize that there was a limited supply of lesbians and we needed to ration them for the “real lesbians.”  Is “Bi-Sexual Discrimination” the next marginalized group that we need to educate the people in our community (along with the Transgendered.)  Do we need a reminder of what the letters in GLBTQIAA stand for?

Let’s all get along people.  Really–our fight for equality needs to be united–not further divided.  Aren’t the religious right and the Republicans enough to do battle with?  Do we have to battle each other as well?  Let’s not.

From what I could see on the Ask Joanne support board–there were a lot of women from a lot of different situations who were in need of support.  Some of them were married to men and had girlfriends, some were going through a divorce or divorced and working through custody and other ex-husband issues.  Some of them were involved with women who were married to men.  Some of them may cheat on their taxes or steal their neighbors WiFi–but really–who is anyone else to judge someone who seeks out help and support for their situation?

The commenter also called my “honesty” into question because of my mention of this board and my apparent endorsement of other’s dishonesty.

I believe in truth.  Truth is something that I learned was the way to go a long time ago and I have held on to that lesson since I was a young woman.  Truth may sometimes cause difficulty and messiness, but it is always the best policy.  Lies only add to problems and only are a good idea if someone’s feelings may get hurt, (No, you don’t look fat, that haircut certainly makes you look younger, for sure we’ll get together for lunch, your baby is adorable.)

I don’t believe in infidelity.  I believe in honesty and the fact that I was unfaithful to my former husband is something that I will always regret.  I can take comfort in the fact that I didn’t engage in this behavior for a long period of time and only did it because I was so confused and needed time to figure things out.  I was also honest about my infidelity–I didn’t lie when I was asked about it and was open about my feelings and my situation and where I was.  I wish that I would have thought more of myself and had enough self esteem to be able to stand up for what I needed to do and figure out without being unfaithful to promises I made.  Regrets are useless except for being able to help us to make better decisions in the future.  And I certainly have learned from that situation.

With that said–I still don’t believe in judging another person’s situation or the decisions that they are making.  You can not judge what a person does until you have experienced that exact situation–and even then–you shouldn’t judge.  We are all just people having our own experiences–sometimes intense experiences–and we deserve to be supported and helped along the way. People need to be empowered to make the best decisions that they can–decisions that aren’t destructive but constructive and healthy for everyone involved.

There are a lot of women who consider themselves bi-sexual and have significant relationships with men or are married but still have relationships with women outside of their primary relationship.  This is something between the two people in the relationship and as long as there is open communication and honest–I fail to see how these women are “hiding behind their husbands.”

It is not anyone’s place to hold another person up and judge them for who they are or what they do.  There are many more loving ways to promoted positive decisions and behavior and everyone could benefit from learning a few of those ways.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions–and everyone has them–but it’s important to be cautious with words that are insulting and broad and hurtful.

Let’s be kind, shall we?

Ask RSG, (again)

You all did such a great job helping out Sarah and her girlfriend M. on the previous post, I thought I’d share another question that I received this morning from Jessica, another RSG:

I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I too am a RSG, I’m 33, I’ve been “straight” all my life. I’m in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman and I could never be happier. However, I’ve yet to tell my Mother and I have a 12 yr. old daughter and I’m not sure how to handle things with her. After reading your “About RSG” and seeing that you have a 12 yr. old and you have ALL girls, I would like to know how you handled the situation, and how you came out to your mother. Thanks!

Jessica,

Coming out to my parents was the easiest part of my entire experience.  I think that it was harder for me to come out to some of my friends than it was to my family (children included.)

I told my mother right away; in fact she was the first person I told.  She was much more concerned about my impending divorce than she was my sexual orientation; to her, she liked things copasetic, not the messiness that a divorce would cause.  My mother has never had an issue with me being a lesbian, and was thrilled when I met and fell in love with HG.

The relationship that I was in during my divorce was not one that I was open about to my daughters.  To them, she and I were friends, and had been friends for a long time, they never asked me about it, and I didn’t want to complicate their lives by putting that knowledge out there. In retrospect, it was a very good decision.  It was an adult matter that the children did not need to be involved in.  That relationship ended prior to my meeting HG.
I didn’t come out to my daughters until I was dating HG.  It was over a year after my divorce and one day I just mentioned to them in passing, “I think that I would like to start dating someone, do you have a problem with that?”  They said no, that they didn’t.  Then I said, “Would you have a problem if the person I wanted to date was a woman?”  DD#1, looked at me, and said, “No Mom, what difference does it make?”

I frequently checked in with them, and when HG and I began to be serious, I checked in with them some more.  We have very open conversations and I always attempted to ask them open ended questions that gave them the opportunity to express their feelings.  They have never expressed to me any issue whatsoever, even as DD#1 has entered middle school, which was something I was concerned with.

After my initial “coming out” time and after I figured out a few things, (like the fact that I was a big ole lesbian,) I never felt a need to proclaim my sexuality to anyone else in my life.
Acquaintances, neighbors, even some friends, and my extended family.  If I had gotten a divorce and started dating a man, I wouldn’t be calling up my grandmother and saying, “Hey, Grandma, guess what?  I’m fucking this new guy I met, isn’t that great?”  So why would I call her up and say, “Hey Grandma, guess what?  I’m fucking a new girl I met, isn’t that great?”

Here is where I am coming from.  Being a lesbian, dating someone of the same sex is not BAD.  Why do you need to make apologies?  Why can’t you just mention to your mother, “Mom, I have someone new in my life that I really care about, we get along great, we have fun together, I’m completely happy, and her name is Jane.”

Perhaps this is too idealistic, but I feel like if everyone just normalized the fact that the gender of the person you love is not significant,  we would have a lot less problems.  I seriously doubt that most people would call up their mother and say, “Mom, I have something serious to tell you.  I’ve been dating someone.   I don’t want you to freak out, but he’s Jewish.”  (As I wrote this I realized that there are probably people who would do this, and that’s sad.) 

You certainly need to do what is most comfortable for you, but I fail to see the need to have a big drawn out drama of a coming out to your mother.  You’re 33 years old for God’s sake, you’re a grown woman, you certainly don’t need your mother’s permission or even approval to live your life the way you see fit.

Now, about your 12 year old daughter.

12 year old girls are just brinking on their own sexuality journey, which makes this a bit of a tedious time to be discussing your own sexuality with her.  12 year old girls know a thing or two about sex and they really don’t want to be thinking about their own mother having sex (with anyone.)

With that said, I would start talking to her NOW.  I would be honest and open without going into too much detail that may freak her out.

If she knows the woman you are involved with and likes her, I would start there.  Say something like, “Honey, you know that Jane and I spend a lot of time together.  Well, I have begun to have very special feelings for her and care about her very much.  She is someone that means a lot to me and I want to have a relationship with her and everything that goes with that.”  Allow her to talk and express her feelings.  Be sure to present it as normal, explain it as you would any relationship.

You don’t mention if her father is in the picture and what, if any homophobia has been presented to her in her life.

Key points:

• Buy her a book on sex and sexuality written for pre-teens.  There are many good ones which present homosexuality in normal terms.
• Explain to her that your being a lesbian does not make her a lesbian, and that her sexuality is something for her to figure out as she grows older.  Explain that sexuality is something that is fluid and may change over a person’s lifetime.  Explain that there is nothing wrong with being gay, no matter what negative things have been said. (Just like there is nothing wrong with being Asian, or a person of color, or a Muslim, or a Republican.)
• I recommend the book, “How it Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent,”.  It is actually written by children of different ages and their experiences; almost all of the children were born into heterosexual families.
• PREPARE her for prejudices that may (or may not) occur so that she isn’t shocked if and when it happens.
• Giver her time to process, and keep talking about it.

Your daughter may feel threatened simply because you’re in a relationship with someone new, kids get like that.  She may have issues that have nothing to do with who you are with, but just because you are with some one.  You don’t mention how long this relationship has been going on, or how long you were single prior to it’s beginning.

I think what I have learned through my time as a mother in the simplest terms is this; If you don’t make a big deal out of things, generally kids don’t either.  If you make something seem awful and looming and bad, your kid will feel the same way about it.  If you’re stressed out about something, your kid will be stressed out about it.  They feed off of you and HOW you present something is much more important that WHAT you are presenting.

I wish you the best in your relationship, your process of discovery and in everything else.

Love,

RSG

Ask RSG

Recently I received a comment from a young woman named Sarah. Sarah explained to me that she is a 21 year old college student, stating, “I’m straight…and have dated guys all my life.”

Recently she ended a two year relationship with a man, which fell apart due to an issue of the distance between them. Sarah says that she is still in love with the boyfriend, despite the fact that he is now dating someone else.

Sarah’s problem is this:

“A little over a month ago, I met a gay girl through one of my friends and immediately I thought she was funny and nice. We both stayed in my friend’s room that night and we kinda hit it off. She was very open about how she felt towards me and although I emphasized that I was straight, she didn’t mind, and I felt myself oddly attracted to her. We’ve been talking ever since then, and I’ve tried to be more open with my thoughts on a relationship. She’s very much in love with me, and i DO love her…I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with and accepting all of this when I’m not interested or attracted to any other girls, so I know I’m straight (or bi at this point…) but, I want to know if I’m most likely wasting my time in a whim of a relationship that I may not allow to last, or if over time I can overcome my past ideals and societies acceptance, and be happy living my life with her? I’m not sure what to do or think about this and am seeking some help and advice from other girls…straight, bi, or gay…that can help me out at all.
I’ve formed quite a friendship and love for this girl, and don’t want to be tricking her or myself and hurt her in the long run. I look forward to hearing from you.”

First a disclaimer.

I am not a therapist, but I do apparently play one of the Internet. My answer is my opinion only and should not be construed as medical or psychological advice!

Dear Sarah,

You’re issue is one that is utterly timeless in the drama that is lesbian relationship. Whether you are the lesbian or the virgin straight girl, the tale has been told, and re-told a hundred times over. You, my dear, are the centerstone of lesbian myth, fear, and (occasionally,) happy ever after.

Honey, you keep saying that you’re straight, but you’re interested in another woman.

You’re not straight.

You can identify as however you wish, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are somehow immune to the grasps of sexual fluidity, as very few people are.  Whether you feel more comfortable identifying as bi, or queer, or hetero-flexible, feel free, but please don’t stand up with such vehemence professing your heterosexuality while at the same time feeling confused about a homosexuality tendency. It does little but make it seem as though being gay is BAD.

It is not.

Less important than your adjustment to what you’re used to and the need to balk at societal norms, you should be measuring this potential relationship as you would any relationship, despite the fact that the person you are in relationship with happens to be a woman.

There is no guarantee in any relationship; straight, gay, bi, polyamorous, whatever it is, there are never solid answers to how it will turn out. I believe that you are using the uncertainty of the outcome of the relationship to hide behind what appears to be a bit of homophobia on your part. Your 21, you’ve never considered a lesbian relationship for yourself before, of course it’s confusing! You’re entitled to be confused, but try to see your confusion through a real lens and not one that society has created for you, not one that your past relationships created for you, not one that your own prejudices have created for you.

Stand back a moment and look at this woman who cares for you, and ponder your feelings for her. You state that you love her, what type of love is that? Are you sexually attracted to her? Have you had a physical relationship? If you answer yes to the last two questions, I would say that you’ve pretty much answered your own question.

I think that it’s very good of you to be concerned about hurting your (girl)friend; many a lesbian hearts have been broken by the rogue bi-curious cupcake.

But fear not, if she’s been around the block or two, she knows what she’s getting herself into. If she hasn’t, well, I guess it’s about time she learns what her “big girl pants” are for and has her heart braced for what any veteran lesbian would look at as sure disaster.

You said that you’ve been looking all over the internet for advice; this is a natural reaction. I believe that you should stop looking for outside validation and start looking inside your heart.

Best of luck!

RSG

My New Celebrity Girlfriend

Now that my romantic anniversary is over, I can talk about the other woman in my life!

I’ve always had Celebrity Girlfriends, even when I was apparently straight I would frequently tell people that I would happily run away with Angelina or Gwen Stefani. I’ve moved on from them, although I wouldn’t mind dinner with Angelina; we could talk parenting, world peace, travel, you know.

For a while I was with Jackie,

We broke up when she was being all flirty with that straight girl that she works with a month after telling Curve magazine that she would never get romantically involved with a co-worker. (Liar.)

Then I fell hard for Chrissy,

I still heart her, but she lives so far away, and she’s so busy!

I had a short lived affinity for Kate,

But she has WAY too many kids.

And then.

I discovered Michelle.

She is the writer, producer, and star of a quirky cute little lesbian sit-com on Logo that I think is fab. And she is a hottie. I even went as far as to leave a comment on her blog, (I’m not stalking her, I promise.)

I know what you’re thinking. She’s not a blond with short hair. I’m okay with that, I really think I should expand my horizons and not have a “type” of celebrity girlfriend. It’s always good to keep your options open, yes?

Anyway. That’s my new celebrity girlfriend, (but I still love Chrissy, because we’re kind of committed, this site comes up second on a Google image search for her!)

Check out Exes and Oh’s. Apparently you can download the episodes on iTunes. Enjoy, and enjoy Thursday. (Oh and click on Michelle’s picture to read more, she’s quite yummy fascinating.)

Wednesday

How’s that for a catchy title?  Well it’s not as lame as the title for the article I’m writing for my freelance newspaper job; that title is non-existent because I can’t think of a THING to write about for this week.  I’m so desperate that I’m looking back to what I wrote about last year at this time.  I’m sure something will come to me, I hope so, I kind of like that paycheck that comes every week, and frankly this whole being a college student and having expensive children, kind of drains the bank account.

Speaking of college.

School was good.

The first day was a little more interactive than I imagined in my head, and I wasn’t permitted to just sit there and observe, which is my typical M.O. when doing something new.  I had to be in a small group with two other people.   One of my group members.  Was seventeen.

I could legally drink when this girl was born. I really hate being so old.

I did my homework, and took two quizzes last night and it took me longer than it probably should have because I’m too much of a perfectionist and had to read every single thing thirty times.  I’m thorough I guess, but I’m most likely making this  a lot harder than it needs to be.

Today on Oprah is the re-run of the re-run of Gay Married Women, or however she puts it.  Basically its the story of some RSG’s, one of them quite hot from what I remember and people must have dug the show because this is seriously the third or fourth time they have run it.  I guess the writer’s strike has been good for our “homosexual agenda,” thanks writers!  Oprah makes things happen you know, (never mind about Obama losing New Hampshire, she DOES make things happen.) Hopefully the re-run of the re-run will cause some un-happy lesbian women stuck in the suburbs to have the courage to be true to herself.

Speaking of women who make things happen.  How about Hilary in NH?  My theory?  She showed the people of New Hampshire that she’s human, she showed a nurturing, personal side of her self.  Now I happen to like Hilary, I think that it’s completely un-fair and sexist that the issues that people complain about her are characteristics of a strong, independent, smart, authoritative type person.  If Hilary were a man, she would be looked at as a leader, but because she’s a woman, she’s looked at like a raging bitch.  I’m not exactly sure what offensive things that she had done politically to deserve the crap that she gets, but I have an idea that it isn’t much.

Oregon doesn’t vote in the primary until May.  In May, it will already be decided, so I really don’t have a say in who will get the nomination.  Because of this, I haven’t really given it much thought, except that I will support whoever is nominated with my time, my talent, and my treasure.  I like Obama, but I really liked what I saw in Hilary yesterday and today.  Say what you will, Hilary cares about people, she cares about children, and she cares about this country.  That my friends, is a most ginormous* step up from what we have going on right now.

*Ginormous is one of the “in” words to use for 2008, added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary for their 2007 edition.

Vigil, Vigil, Everyone Vigil!!!

Candlelight Vigil tonight:

The Q Center
69 SE Taylor
Portland, OR
5:30-7:00 PM

I’ll be there, HG will be there, lots of Portland Bloggers will be there. LeLo and I will be taking photographs.

Join us.

If you happen to live in another state, please take a moment to send “Vigil Energy” our way.

More info.

January 16, 2008

Would have been the day that HG and I became domestically partnered in our state of Oregon. This picture would have been the one I used for the invitation. The invitation to the cocktail party we were supposed to have. The cocktail party that would have celebrated our special day.

The law, which was supposed to go into effect January 2nd has been halted; devastating same-sex couples throughout the state. Devastating HG and I, and our dream to become legally bound to each other, to protect each other, to take care of each other, to give us some of the same recognition and rights afforded to married heterosexual couples.

HG and I celebrate our anniversary on January 16th. We met in person on that day, almost two years ago; and the memories of that day are precious to us. That day, January 16th was the first day of the rest of our lives, and on the 16th of every month, we remember how precious our relationship is to us. How precious our love and commitment is. That day, IS our anniversary, we don’t even remember the date we actually exchanged rings!

We were ecstatic when the new Domestic Partnership law would go into effect in January. How perfect! We would go to the courthouse on January 16th, exactly two years after that wonderfully fateful day and make it legal.

But now, that dream has been shattered, and it makes me very, very sad.

We may be able to register, after all of this mess is cleared up. We will still be happy to be able to do so, but somehow it just won’t be the same. I have been looking forward to this day since the DP law was passed. I held my breath as the haters tried to get it referred to a ballot measure, I rejoiced when they failed. I planned my party, HG has already taken that day off from work, and here we are; not able to go through as planned.

Imagine a heterosexual couple picking a date, planning a ceremony and a party to get married; then two weeks before, some judge tells them they aren’t worthy enough to get married? It’s not even comprehensible. But we are forced to accept this injustice, this fallacy. It’s sickening.

I married a man and was handed a thousand rights on a silver platter. My marriage failed.

And then, I found true love, with a person who truly loves me back. Our relationship is sweet, and sincere, and real, with a deep connection and love that most people only dream of. We are best friends. We are lovers. We are parents. We are partners in every way.

Why was my crappy relationship to a man held up higher than my amazing relationship with a woman?

How is it that I suddenly became a second class citizen, simply because of who I love?

HG and me. Our beautiful relationship deserves to be regarded with respect and honor, and legally recognized. And so I guess, we wait. For what else are we to do? I suppose anything worth having is worth waiting for, but this? Is heartbreakingly hard.

For more information on this outrageous miscarriage of justice, check out some of these sites:

LeLo

Just Out

Blogtown PDX

Willamette Week

Gay Rights Watch

Thank you to my fellow bloggers and the thoughtful posts that you have made on your own blogs.  Beecharmer, Jess,  Witchtrivets. 

One Way, Bad Way? No Way!

Let’s talk about sex.

Recently, an RSG (let’s call her Jane,) wrote me asking a question about sex. Now, I’m not a sex therapist, but I apparently play one one the internet, so I spent several days trying to come up with a response with the attempt of being helpful.

Her concern was that her partner of two years seems to only be able to orgasm one way; with G-Spot stimulation while being penetrated. She worried that her partner was missing out on clitoral orgasms. She was also concerned that they were getting into a “rut” and that it was “bad” for her partner to only be able to orgasm with only one technique.

I gave this some thoughtful consideration and did what I do best; research.

It is not unusual for a woman to only be able to orgasm one way and it is much preferred over the thousands (millions?) of women who never orgasm at all. Now, my assumption would be that most of those non-orgasming women are of the heterosexual persuasion, but I’m sure there are one or two lesbians in that category. (For all of those women who do not orgasm, I am truly sorry and I beg them to get some help, or a new partner, whichever is easier.)

Although less women orgasm with G-Spot or penetrational stimulation, many women prefer and find it easier to orgasm this way rather than clitoral stimulation. Some women find clitoral stimulation “too much” and often don’t orgasm this way, or if they do, it’s the kind of orgasm that kind of makes your entire body tense up and “hurt” (but in a kind of good way.)

Some women need indirect clitoral stimulation.

Some women need both clitoral stimulation and penetration at the same time.

Some women strongly dislike penetration.

One of the greatest things about having sex with women is that there isn’t the pressure of being “goal oriented.” Men are goal oriented and many women who have/had sex with men realize that there is typically a time restraint on what can be accomplished in the designated amount of time that they have to work with. This is an important mental switch to make when one is now having sex with women.

When women have sex with women, there is less of a goal oriented attitude; it is far more about the intimacy and connection that occurs between you and your partner and less about the end result. If an orgasm happens in your bed, great, but often lesbian sex is far less about “getting there,” and more about the journey.

Because every woman is different and each woman has her own set of preferences, the sex organ that is most important to utilize is the brain. Talk to your partner, spend time just being intimate without the pressure of how/when/where you have an orgasm. Spend time just being together in an intimate way that may or may not include sexual acts. This is a beautiful way to experience your partner, deepen your connection, and will almost always lead to a deeper and more satisfying physical/sexual relationship.

Orgasming only one way is not a bad thing, it just is, and it’s okay.

I advised Jane to spend some quality “intimate, together” time with her partner without the pressure of the orgasm issue. I also pointed her to a website that I found for helpful hints. Additionally, I recommended one of my very most favorite things that every woman should have. They come in all sorts of colors and make a great stocking stuffer! (Just be sure to take out the batteries while traveling, I may or may not know this from personal experience.)

So there you have it, a sex post.

Please feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.

Jesus loves me this I know…

For The Bible Tells Me So.

Amazing film. Completely compelling, utterly emotional, funny, sad, shocking.

HG and I went to see this film last night with LeLo and AdRi, and were blown away by how good it was. If you have the opportunity to see this film in your area, don’t pass it up; you will be so glad you experienced it. I believe that everyone, gay, straight, religious, agnostic, everyone should see this film and be educated on the points, counter-points, and demonstration of moronic ignorance that most people believe.

If it’s not showing in your area, watch the DVD when it’s available. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you.

Oh.

And the film may have caused me to have a teensey-weensey little crush on

Chrissy Gephardt.

HG says she’s definitely crush-able, and concurs.

Please? No flannel on the beach.

I believe that I have mentioned here that HG and I are embarking on a lovely vacation in a few weeks. We will be going here:

to beautiful Nuevo Vallarta on an Oliva vacation. It will be sunny, warm, fun-filled, and best of all, only lesbians will be there. (Actually, the BEST part is that all of our cocktails are included, but the lesbians are definitely a high up second.)

So, to lead up to our tropical paradise vacation, I have participated in the little online forum for our group. I have read all of the posts, commented once or twice and “met” some nice ladies. One thing that came up recently which I found quite disappointing was that the “Casual Elegance” dress code that the resort requires for it’s dining areas does not apply to us. I found this a bit odd, so I posted a comment about how it was a bit insulting that the dress code standards were being lowered for a group of lesbians. Practically no one agreed with me, and I heard all sorts of reasons including: “It’s vacation, we should be able to relax,” “I don’t want to pack more clothes,” “Some people can’t afford to buy special clothes just for dinner,” “We’ll have the resort all to ourselves, so it doesn’t matter.”

Okay, I heard the reasons, but I still don’t quite get it. If one is spending a minimum of $2,000.00 per person to go on this vacation, one should be able to throw together a nice blouse and a pair of capris for dinner. And I think, that because we have the resort all to ourselves, we should make an extra effort to look nice. Who want to have a nice dinner seated next to someone in a tank top and running shorts?

Yesterday, we received our travel packet where it clearly states that the dress is, “cool, comfortable, casual! Swimsuits, shorts, t-shirts, pareos and sandals”

So, let’s try to understand this.  The Olivia travelers aren’t expected to adhere to a dress code, but they’re expected to know what a pareo is?

It’s disappointing. Not because I want to pack my ball gowns, but because it sends a message that a group of lesbians don’t have enough class to adhere to a dress code standard that is set for everyone else. Lesbians have a hard enough time combating the stereotype that we have no fashion sense, wear flannel, only keep our hair cut in a mullet and wear socks with our sandals. Let’s not add to this by assuming that we don’t have enough style to adhere to a “Casual Elegance” dress code. I seriously doubt that travel companies who cater to gay men do this, and I know that typical couples resorts, such as this one, keep a fairly strict dress code standard for their usual guests. Just not the lesbians I guess.

However. I do not care. I will be dressed in my Casual Elegance, looking very casual, yet very elegant. And so will HG. Because I will be picking out her clothes for her, and our outfits will coordinate.

Because that’s the kind of doily dyke I am.