Happy Sunday

From the Iguana.

This Iguana came out to see everyone at the pool at the resort on our Olivia vacation. You would have thought that T-Rex himself made an appearance the way the lesbians got excited. It wasn’t a cat for God’s sake, but they still got excited and fretted over the little thing.

I never saw so many cameras pop out in all my life. One of the comediennes was there and said that there was more paparazzi than for Paris Hilton. She was right.

The Iguana eventually ran up a tree for awhile.

After that, I grew tired of him and resumed my project of sitting by the pool, sipping a tropical beverage and reading my book.

And if you’re reading, Mindy Klasky, I read your book in a day and a half.

Loved it, thanks!

I don’t know what happened to the Iguana, but I can assure you that he is in the photo folder of several hundred lesbians.

And to think I could have had a purse out of the ordeal.

Olivia’s Vallarta Palace, 2007

It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.

But instead of knitting, death by guillotine, and eating cake, there was pool games, debauchery and eating . . . well a lot of eating (and drinking too.)

It’s difficult for me to put into words describing an Olivia vacation to someone who has never experienced one.  I suppose if I had to use one word, it would be, Utopia.  You read about Utopia’s in high school right?  Perfect societies.  Yes, that is what an Olivia vacation is.

After a very long night of traveling (we took the red eye, and every flight had a crying, hacking, coughing, sneezing child sitting in front of us,) we arrived in Mexico City with only one flight left.  Our last leg of flying we met two nice women also on their way to Vallarta Palace and coincidentally were seated in the same row.  Mexicana airlines is very cool, they give out free drinks, and not the little airline size booze, they have full size bottles of liquor to mix your cocktail!  We had a celebratory cerveza and  anticipated our landing in Puerto Vallarta.

When the plane landed, I was so excited I thought I might pee my pants.  We exited the plane,  were shuttled to the terminal and immediately met by a porter who came right over to us, “Are you with Olivia?”  We told him we were and he waited with us for our luggage.  All I did was point at ours and he was scooping it up before I could help, amazing.  We were then escorted to a table with an Olivia sign where we were given bottled water, a warm washcloth to freshen up and a beautiful Bird of Paradise flower.  The porter escorted us past customs and outside to a waiting van to drive us to the resort.

We arrived earlier than many of the guests, so we were greeted by practically every Olivia staff member, including the founder and CEO.  Glasses of champagne were put into our hands and we looked around at the beauty and poshness of this exquisite resort.  Our room wasn’t quite ready, so our luggage was taken and we went to the gym to change into shorts.

I was amazed at the beauty of this resort, everything was so fancy.  Marble floors, beautiful fountains, gorgeous pools; the pictures couldn’t do it justice.   We decided to have some lunch at one of the resort restaurants that looked out at the sea.  After my first cocktail, and my first few bites of lunch, I looked at HG and said, “I like this better than the cruise.”  She said, “We’ve been here less than an hour!”  But I already knew this was going to be a vacation to remember.

After lunch we walked around and got familiar with the resort.  There were several gay men strutting about in bikini’s and we found out that Atlantis Cruises (which does vacations primarily for Gay Men,) had been at Vallarta Palace for the two weeks prior to us.  It was such a nice transition, having them leave and us arrive and they were absolute sweethearts to us, giving us tips of what to do, and where to go.  One of the boys even gave HG and I their leftover sunscreen and a pool raft, (the other girls were jealous!)  After more looking around and one or two more Cadillac Margaritas, (and let me tell you, for an all-inclusive resort, the did NOT skimp on the drinks, I had floats of Grand Marnier in every Margarita,) we joined in on one of the first games of the week, blackjack!

The activities director at Vallarta Palace is a twenty year old lesbian named Anna. She was an absolute sweetheart and so much fun to be around.  I think she was in a little bit of heaven, having that many lesbian women around, and seemed genuinely happy to be with all of us.  Anna was going to deal the blackjack, and we would be playing with chips for prizes.

I have a theory about Olivia vacations that I came up with remembering this blackjack game.  Unless you come with a group of people, the theory is that the first 10 people that you meet on the vacation, will more than likely be the 10 people that you either run into the most, or hang out with for the rest of the week.  This was very true for our blackjack game!  We met several ladies, (two from Portland,) a fun, fantastic girl named Kathryn and a cute couple from North Carolina at that blackjack game.  Those were the ladies we chatted with and had fun with the most,  all week long.

When our room was ready, we went to check it out.

It was beautiful.  Tile floors, huge two person jacuzzi in the room, beautiful bathroom with a shower the size of our powder room at home, fully stocked refrigerator with bottled water, soda, and beer.  And a bar with full sized bottled of brandy, scotch, rum, and tequila.  Amazing.

By this time, I was hitting a big wall and was exhausted (from no sleep, Margaritas, and sun, so I “waited for the luggage” (which means I fell asleep on the comfy bed,) while HG went to play beach volleyball.  HG was beyond excited, and she was on a mission to do everything!

Later, we napped, showered and dressed for dinner, (I was happy to find out that I wasn’t the only one who was dressing for dinner,) and enjoyed the first show, comedian Lisa Koch, who we thoroughly enjoyed.

The next couple of days were exactly like this.  A lot of sun, a lot of fun, swimming in the ocean, boogie boarding, playing pool games and blackjack, various cocktails, a lot of food, fantastic service, wonderful people, dancing, karaoke, laughing, more fabulous comedians.  Fun, fun, fun.

On Tuesday we went on a sailing excursion.  This was such a fabulous day and one I won’t forget anytime soon.  We were driven to a marina and out to our boat for the day, a 50 foot incredible sailboat with a crew of two who catered to our every need.  They brought us amazing continuous food, unlimited cocktail service, fun.  Our first stop was a spot where dolphins hang out.  We saw a dozen or more dolphins, and they swam right next to our boat.  When we stopped, the hung all around us, playfully coming up for air, checking us out.  We were allowed to jump in and swim around with them, although they kept their distance, we were still only about 50 feet away from them in the water.  It was an incredible experience.  Our next stop was a private beach where we could swim or snorkel or just hang out on the boat.  I chose the latter, HG decided to swim to the beach which was entirely too strenuous for me that day!  We met some nice ladies from Alaska, and some other ladies who along with myself decided that our sail back would be much more fun topless!  Our last swim was a skinny dip for some of us, and it was so exhilarating and free feeling; there is truly nothing like swimming naked in the ocean, and I highly recommend this experience peeps

Later that evening we had a nice dinner with our new Alaska friends and enjoyed the show.  By this time, exhaustion had set in and I, the party girl, had to skip the dance club and go to bed.

This ended the first half of the trip, and the “best of times” part as well.

To Be Continued . . . 

Okay.  I wrote a cute little post about how we’re heading out on our trip here soon, and we are.  The plan today was to take a nap between the hours of 3-7, get up, get ready and go to catch our red-eye flight to Guadalajara, then Mexico City, then Puerto Vallarta.  We’ll be there by noon Saturday.

Couldn’t nap.  So now we’re sitting here watching Dr. G, (well, HG is watching, I’m blogging and surfing.) And now.  As I wait to get ready to go.  The anxiety is setting in.

We have been SO DAMN busy this week that I feel like I have been operating on Adrenaline, coffee, Halloween candy, and Tylenol.  Everything on our lists have been crossed off and now as we wait to go to this vacation that we planned a year ago, I can’t help but feel a heaviness in my chest.

I totally realize that it’s safer for me to travel than it is for me to go to Safeway, but when you’re packing up and leaving the country for a week, it’s difficult to not think of bad things that could happen.

I could die in a plane crash.  Be abducted by terrorists, thrown in a Mexican prison.  What if something happens to one of my children?  To Ginger?

My children.

I hate telling them goodbye and thinking about missing them so much.  I hate thinking of them missing me.  Yesterday DD#1 said that she was feeling anxious about everything that she had to remember to do, and the fact that she wasn’t going to have a Mommy next week, (Hello Guilt?  I’m Kathryn, nice to meet you.)  Of course I have their entire schedule typed up on a Master Schedule with copies to half the world, but apparently DD#1 was worried.  The girls will be well looked after by their Grammy, and my friend Stacy, and their dad of course.  They won’t even realize I’m gone?

We took our Powers of Attorney to be notarized today, our Wills are in place, our Advanced Directives signed, all of that stuff.  My mom has copies of our passports, the school has been notified, emergency contacts updated, lunches paid for, clothes cleaned for the girls, DD#3 is packed for the week.  Really, I took care of everything.

The house sitter comes tomorrow, the dogs will be taken care of, and I.

I just need to relax and go have a great time with my wife.

My wife.  Rocks.

She is the one who takes us on these trips, these fabulous adventures that we are so, so, lucky to be able to go on.  She loves to travel and see and do things, and I am happy to oblige her and be her travel companion.

She.

Is the center of my life and the single most incredible person I have ever met.  She makes everything special in my life.  Everything.  Even if it is something simple she does it for me in such a wonderful and loving way.

She never takes me for granted, she never takes advantage of me in any way, she never holds things against me or uses my short-comings as ammunition in an argument.  She respects and loves me, even the things she may not “like” about me so much, (like my lack of laundry skills.)

She is amazing.

Often times I will think about her, even if she is sitting right next to me, and suddenly my heart will jump and flutter.  I will feel the love that I have for her burn inside of my chest and down through my stomach, down my legs.  My body gets consumed with love and desire for her.

And I.  Get to be with that wonderful woman, for an entire week, in a Mexican paradise, (and unlimited cocktails!)

God.  My life is good, and that makes me feel grateful and abundant and okay.

Okay?

All will be well in the world for the next nine days, and when I return, I’ll be wondering what the hell I was so worried about, (and wishing I was leaving again!)  One more hour, we’ll be on our way; I think I’m okay now, and of course, I have blogging to thank.  Once again.

Until I return, Ciao!

Adios Amigas!

HG and I are heading out of Dodge, (and the Scary Suburbs too.)

If you need anything, you’ll be able to find me here.  I’ll be the one in the bathing suit with a Margarita in my hand.  Perhaps Dos Margaritas Por Favor!

There will be lots of lesbians, lots of fun, and hopefully lots of women taking their tops off.  I’ll be taking photos of course,  for the sake of recording the events for posterity sake, and to work on my photography skills.  The holidays are coming, and who knows, I might get a good Christmas Card picture.

I will not have my laptop, so I won’t be reading any blogs.  Y’all behave and have a fun week!

Please? No flannel on the beach.

I believe that I have mentioned here that HG and I are embarking on a lovely vacation in a few weeks. We will be going here:

to beautiful Nuevo Vallarta on an Oliva vacation. It will be sunny, warm, fun-filled, and best of all, only lesbians will be there. (Actually, the BEST part is that all of our cocktails are included, but the lesbians are definitely a high up second.)

So, to lead up to our tropical paradise vacation, I have participated in the little online forum for our group. I have read all of the posts, commented once or twice and “met” some nice ladies. One thing that came up recently which I found quite disappointing was that the “Casual Elegance” dress code that the resort requires for it’s dining areas does not apply to us. I found this a bit odd, so I posted a comment about how it was a bit insulting that the dress code standards were being lowered for a group of lesbians. Practically no one agreed with me, and I heard all sorts of reasons including: “It’s vacation, we should be able to relax,” “I don’t want to pack more clothes,” “Some people can’t afford to buy special clothes just for dinner,” “We’ll have the resort all to ourselves, so it doesn’t matter.”

Okay, I heard the reasons, but I still don’t quite get it. If one is spending a minimum of $2,000.00 per person to go on this vacation, one should be able to throw together a nice blouse and a pair of capris for dinner. And I think, that because we have the resort all to ourselves, we should make an extra effort to look nice. Who want to have a nice dinner seated next to someone in a tank top and running shorts?

Yesterday, we received our travel packet where it clearly states that the dress is, “cool, comfortable, casual! Swimsuits, shorts, t-shirts, pareos and sandals”

So, let’s try to understand this.  The Olivia travelers aren’t expected to adhere to a dress code, but they’re expected to know what a pareo is?

It’s disappointing. Not because I want to pack my ball gowns, but because it sends a message that a group of lesbians don’t have enough class to adhere to a dress code standard that is set for everyone else. Lesbians have a hard enough time combating the stereotype that we have no fashion sense, wear flannel, only keep our hair cut in a mullet and wear socks with our sandals. Let’s not add to this by assuming that we don’t have enough style to adhere to a “Casual Elegance” dress code. I seriously doubt that travel companies who cater to gay men do this, and I know that typical couples resorts, such as this one, keep a fairly strict dress code standard for their usual guests. Just not the lesbians I guess.

However. I do not care. I will be dressed in my Casual Elegance, looking very casual, yet very elegant. And so will HG. Because I will be picking out her clothes for her, and our outfits will coordinate.

Because that’s the kind of doily dyke I am.

Olivia Hawaii Cruise, 2006

The days leading up to our trip was filled with business, stress and anxiety. We were juggling the three kids and the two dogs at five different locations, times, and people. Of course we waited to pack until the night before, and then Aunt Flo came to visit the morning before our trip. Needless to say, I was a wee bit of a crazy bitch.

HG, being the perfect woman that she is, just helped me through it and after a short night sleep, we were up bright and early for our trip to Portland International Airport.

Getting on the plane was a sigh of relief and I was so excited I could have peed my pants. We watched movies and before we knew it, we were touching down in beautiful Hawaii.

We met some fellow Olivia Portland travelers on the plane and shared a cab to the ship port. They were fabulous and we knew we would be friends right away.

We were leid while embarking and were ready to start our incredible trip, and we had our first Mai Tai’s with our new friends.

After the mandatory lifeboat drill, we had fun the rest of the evening.

Let’s just say that I perhaps partied a wee bit much that first night, because I was not loving life as much the next morning when we arrived in our first port, Hilo. We had a shore excursion booked, so I needed to get up and moving. We went to breakfast where we were invited to dine with a lovely couple from Vancouver Island. I ordered a Bloody Mary with breakfast and was feeling much better as we visited. This particular couple were fascinating to me. One of the ladies was married to a man and had a child before coming out to her husband; her husband later came out to her. Not only that, but he is also the biological father to the child that her partner gave birth to, and the three of them co-parent their children, he even lives with them part time. I only wish things could be that amicable in OUR life.

After breakfast, we were ready to tour the beauty of the Big Island.

It was beautiful there and the weather was quite lovely, even though Hilo on average receives three times as much rain every year as we do here in Portland. Our tour guide was very good and told us a lot about the island, how and when it was formed and about the plants, flowers and animals that live there.

This is a lava formation that was made when lava oozed up and around a tree, killing the tree, and leaving this hollow tube as a result. This happened thousands of years ago, and the lava formation remains.

We got to talking to some of our fellow Olivia travelers on our tour. We met two lovely women from Brooklyn who endured an 11.5 hour flight to arrive in Hawaii. The one woman, begged me to sing Sound of Music songs to her on the bus, which of course I did. Her partner said that she frequently requests people to sing the Sound of Music to her.

We met two young women from Rochester who we continued to get to know during the rest of our cruise. Their flight from New York entailed them needing to flag stop in Phoenix due to a gentleman dying on the plane! They were both police officers who were lucky (or unlucky as it was) to be picked for the Newlywed/Oldywed Game at the end of the cruise.

After the tour, we embarked once again to the Norweigian Wind and set sail for the Fanning Islands.

We were at sea for two days.

I found that the secret to avoid any kind of sea sickness was to remain a bit buzzed at all times. Everytime I felt a little sea sick, I would have a drink and all would be well. Since we had no where to GO for two days at sea, I admit that we spent a fair amount of time by the pool sipping Corona, watching, meeting and having fun with the many women that we met.

We met women from all over the world. Older women, younger women, couples, singles. Women who had been in relationships for decades, some who were just friends, some who were broken up, but travelling together anyway, (ONLY lesbians do this people, it’s a strange but true fact.) It was certainly the best part of the trip; all of the many women we met.

Every afternoon, there would be concerts by the pool, and throughout the day there were many, many activities that we certainly could have partaken i; lei making, dance lessons, seminars. I did take two Hula lessons, and although I’m certainly not ready to open up my own Hula school, HG said I was the best one out there.
We would nap late in the afternoon and then dress for dinner. Sometimes we would listen to live music beforehand, or just hang out. Our only disapointment on the entire cruise would certainly be the food. It was not good. Not good at all. We had one or two good meals, but for the most part, not pretty.

The group committment ceremony was held on the first sea day, and we decided to participate. We weren’t sure if we would, or just do our own thing, we were glad that we did. Our new friends Dana and Tanya came with and it was quite nice. There were many couples there, some had been together as long as 35 years, others, like us, new to our committment to eachother. It was touching to experience that kind of energy.

That night was Formal Night and we had dinner with Dana and Tanya then sang karaoke and danced, danced, danced.

HG doesn’t usually dance, so it was FUN. We all had a great time!

The next day was another sea day. We played Bingo (and lost,) and sat in the sun, and drank more Mai Tai’s and beer. We napped, and had dinner, and a little more dancing.

The next day we arrived in Fanning Island.

Fanning Island is located 900 miles south of the Hawaiian Islands in the Republic of Kibrati. There is no running water or electricity and it is inhabited by native people who were brought there hundreds of years ago to cut down coconuts. They are self reliant, on the sea and by whatever is brought to them by passing ships once or twice a year. Norweigian Cruise lines uses it as one of their ports of call and I’m sure provides some assistance to the native people, helping out with the school and providing learning supplies. It was beautiful and lovely and HOT. The Fanning Islands are 121 miles north of the equator, and let me tell you something about the equator; it’s a little warm there.

The lovely thing about vacationing with 1800 lesbians in the middle of fucking NO WHERE, in heat hotter than HELL, with nothing else better to do than drink and sit on the beach is:

The lesbians sometimes take their tops off.

This is a MILD one. I’ve got some good ones, including one I sent Kami featuring my beautiful wife, (shhhh, don’t tell HG, I have copies available for $1,000.00 each, checks or paypal only please.)

After our day on Fanning Island, it was back to the ship for TWO MORE DAYS AT SEA, where we proceeded to drink more Mai Tai’s, take more naps (which I hope you know is code for we had a lot of sex…) and meet more interesting people.

One night we had a White Party, where everyone dressed in white. We had dinner with Kim and Debi the ladies we met from Kauai and had a grand time at the dance where we met four more girls from Portland. It was one of the most fun evenings of my life. I danced and danced until HG told me we had to leave, (I obeyed, because I’m a dutiful wife.)

We arrived in Kauai and I was exhausted from all of the partying and laying around we did. We didn’t plan a shore excursion there, which was probably a good thing since a lot of them were cancelled because of the Tsunami they had that morning. We didn’t feel a thing, but the captain said there was one and I believe him!

The first thought that I had when we entered into the little village shopping area was, “Wow, look at all of the straight people.” After spending five days with all lesbians being completely out and free, it was a strange feeling.

In Kauai we decided to take a tour of waterfalls and had the WORST tour guide in the history of tour guides. He kept telling us that he was a terrible tour guide, and he WAS. But we saw some waterfalls, saw the beach, and got a basic idea of Kauai.

The next day was Maui. We were met at the ship dock by some local lesbians who came out to greet us with waving rainbow flags. It was very hospitable of them. We were on a tour that day to do the downhill bike ride from the top of Halekala volcano.

Yes. RSG rode a bike 21 miles. It was downhill, but we don’t care about that fact.

The volcano was amazing. We were at 10K feet and I felt a little loopy up there. Loopier than usual I should say. This is the view from the top:

Those are clouds BELOW us.
This is the crater itself:

Now apparently Hawaiian volcanoes don’t blow up like Mt. St. Helens did. Hawaiian volcanoes OOZ. They ooz their molten lava all over the damn place and make islands but they don’t blow. Good to know.

After the bike ride, we returned to the ship where we changed into our Luau clothes and went to the Sheraton Kaanapalli resort for a luau. We had good food and bad Mai Tai’s, the sunset was amazing and the hula dancers were very cool.

The next day we spent in Kona, which is hot, and we mostly hung out. We shopped a little, we had lunch, we went and looked at tatoos. No we didn’t get one, but a lot of girls were.

The last night on the ship we were able to go to the ships specialty restaurant. HG wanted to go and I kept putting off making reservations. When I did, they were full. Two ladies we met who were ATF agents in S. California invited us to go with them. That afternoon while we were hot tubbing with some ladies from Virginia, the ATF girls told us that they now had other plans and for us to take their reservation. HG was happy and I was happy because we got our picture taken with Captain Lars.

I think Captain Lars like having the ladies of Olivia on board!

The next morning we docked in Honolulu, and because our flight was delayed for eight hours, we rented a car and Dana, Tanya, HG and I hung out all day. We went to Pearl Harbor, which was boring, but a good piece of American History and we went to Waikiki Beach, which was beautiful and also a good piece of American history.

While waiting for our flight, I counted 25 Portland Ladies of Olivia on our flight. I was certain that if our plane crashed, Jerry Falwell would say that it was because the plane was holding so many homo-sexual-women. But we were safe from the wrath of God, this time.
We arrived home to Portland at 5:30 in the morning to rain and 41 degrees.

But enough happy memories to last a lifetime, or at least for a year until we go here.

It was a delight to recap this amazing experience for all of you, Mahalo and Aloha.