Letting go of old stuff

We had a garage sale this weekend and it was 135 degrees. Okay, 95–but that’s still damn hot.

Yesterday the garage sale was not so busy–today was much better and overall we made a little money for our garden fund and got rid of so much stuff. I got a little heat sick so we put everything out in BFF Neighbor Judy’s driveway and put an ad on Craigslist for people to come over and pick up what they wanted for free. The rest we will Freecycle or Goodwill.

Letting go of old stuff is such a cleansing and wonderful thing to do. When you let go of old stuff good stuff comes in. Good friends, good opportunities, good people, good feelings, good love.

There once was a time that I wasn’t valued and wasn’t cherished. I lived in a home for many years, raising a family and constantly trying to be good at everything I did. Every good thing I did was either not received, received negatively or received with sarcasm, joking, or invalidation. I was so empty.

I let go of old stuff and good stuff replaced it.

Last night HG and I were out enjoying some appetizers and drinks at a beautiful restaurant on a lake. We talked about things going on in our lives and just enjoyed each other. She takes such good care of me all of the time–she never makes me feel “less-than” because I’m not working full time or contributing financially as much as I did when I was working more. She is always sure to say that everything in our life is “ours.” I always try to tell her how much I appreciate everything she does for me and for our family.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me,” I told her, “You give me so much.”

HG held my hand and looked at me and said, “I could give you $100,000 a day and it wouldn’t come close to what you give to me every single day.”

And that my friends. Is some very good stuff.

I’m on a good path

We returned from our 4th of July Camping Trip without incident.

I’m having such a great summer and such a great life. The girls and I have spent a lot of quality time together and I feel so lucky to be on the path that I am traveling right now.

My one online class I was taking for summer term was not going so well. I was having a hard time connecting the material to the teacher’s lecture and her assignments (which were incredibly stupid.)  Melissa Lion helped me with an assignment that I received a 67% on. It wasn’t my fault–or Melissa’s. The assignment was dumb–stupid dumb. Really dumb. I have only received one grade lower than an A since returning to Higher Education and that was a B. Melissa and I got a D and since we are both way too fabulous for a D–I dropped the class like a bad husband–and I have experience in that. This dropping, however, I did sooner rather than later–which is always a good thing because it means I’m learning to let bad things go instead of hanging onto them for too long.

Yesterday when I told HG that I had to drop the class–she said she supported my decision. “The last thing I want is for you to be stressed out,” she told me. I filled her in on the things I thought that I could do to be more productive–like work on my book proposal, work on my new Camping Blog/Guide, and start wrapping my brain around a new voice for a new project in the works. “You’re productive just taking care of this family,” she said. Hearing her say that, I jumped on her lap and kissed and hugged her. It feels so good to be validated for the work that I do at home, writing and taking care of our family–”thank you for letting me be a wife and a mom,” I told her. She amazes me every day and takes such good care of us–she is a blessing and a jewel in my life.

The path on which I am traveling is growing every day–there are some good things up ahead for me both personally and professionally and I am anxiously being patient to get to them. Along the way I am going to enjoy everything I see from my path–all very beautiful happy things–that are growing in my life and take a lot of quiet moments to be with them.

And I will wait to see what else I discover on my journey.

We’ve been DP’d

Busy weekend, beginning with a busy day on Friday where we declared our legal responsibility towards each other and became Domestically Partnered under Oregon’s new Domestic Partner Law.

It was without fanfare, but it meant a lot to us.

Our day began when we drove to our friend Stacy’s office where she printed out the legal papers for us and her assistant did the notarizing. Then we headed out to Banks, Oregon (a rural, rural area in Western Washington County,) where we met a fantastically wonderful man named John who owns a great farm where we purchased our Worm Factory.

John was a wealth of worm information and I highly recommend anyone who is interested in vermicomposting or purchasing worm castings, contact him.
From the farm, we were off to the county building.

We paid our money, the lady stamped the paper and we were partnered. That’s it. We walked out of that building a couple protected under hundreds of rights not afforded to us in any other way. That little piece of paper, that little legal document supersedes any of the legal documents that we had or could have ever had drawn up privately, and it was a very good feeling holding it in our hands.

From the county building we drove to SE Portland to a lovely woman’s house to purchase some worms for our worm factory. She was such a nice woman, and when we told her we had just come from registering as DP’s, she was so excited she jumped up and down. Then she handed us a perennial that she had separated from her garden and gave it to us as a gift.

From there, we went to have a celebratory cocktail and lunch.
Martini’s were in order.

HG had a Dirty Martini, I had a Cilantro Martini.
Yum.

It was truly one of the happiest days of my life, filled with good fortune, nice people and celebration. I am a very lucky woman to have HG as my partner, and even luckier that I found true love in my life. I am eternally grateful for her and our family and I truly give thanks every day of my life.

It is a wonderful feeling to know that we have some legal protections as a couple now, and I am thankful to all of the people who blazed this trail for all of us. It’s a step in the right direction, and one that we certainly are able to pause and enjoy for a moment.

Oh, Happy Day!

Cotton

Two years ago today, I walked in to a Starbucks in Lake Oswego, Oregon to have coffee with a woman I had been chatting online with “as friends.”

Neither of us wanted to be in a relationship.

I had issues, and baggage, and loose strings.

Her girlfriend had just moved out a couple of weeks before.

We were both looking to make new friends, expand our horizons, socialize, have coffee, maybe see a movie some times.

Yeah. That didn’t last long.

It wasn’t magic at first sight, but it was close. I bought her a coffee, I talked too much (imagine that,) she spilled coffee on her shirt, I heard about her, she mostly heard about me, I was insistent that romance was not on my agenda. She was more than fine with that, after all I had three kids.

It took about a week.

I told her I wanted to go to bed with her. She told me she wanted more than that; she wanted to marry me and have 27 babies with me.

Two years later, here we are. I made her the honorary mother of my three babies, (and no, there will not be 24 more,) and she made me,

Complete.

Happy 2nd Anniversary HG!

I’m sorry we aren’t getting Domestically Partnered today, but I’m happy that you’re my wife in every way that matters in my heart!

* That picture wasn’t taken that day at Starbucks, it was taken a couple of weeks later on one of our first “real” dates.

January 16, 2008

Would have been the day that HG and I became domestically partnered in our state of Oregon. This picture would have been the one I used for the invitation. The invitation to the cocktail party we were supposed to have. The cocktail party that would have celebrated our special day.

The law, which was supposed to go into effect January 2nd has been halted; devastating same-sex couples throughout the state. Devastating HG and I, and our dream to become legally bound to each other, to protect each other, to take care of each other, to give us some of the same recognition and rights afforded to married heterosexual couples.

HG and I celebrate our anniversary on January 16th. We met in person on that day, almost two years ago; and the memories of that day are precious to us. That day, January 16th was the first day of the rest of our lives, and on the 16th of every month, we remember how precious our relationship is to us. How precious our love and commitment is. That day, IS our anniversary, we don’t even remember the date we actually exchanged rings!

We were ecstatic when the new Domestic Partnership law would go into effect in January. How perfect! We would go to the courthouse on January 16th, exactly two years after that wonderfully fateful day and make it legal.

But now, that dream has been shattered, and it makes me very, very sad.

We may be able to register, after all of this mess is cleared up. We will still be happy to be able to do so, but somehow it just won’t be the same. I have been looking forward to this day since the DP law was passed. I held my breath as the haters tried to get it referred to a ballot measure, I rejoiced when they failed. I planned my party, HG has already taken that day off from work, and here we are; not able to go through as planned.

Imagine a heterosexual couple picking a date, planning a ceremony and a party to get married; then two weeks before, some judge tells them they aren’t worthy enough to get married? It’s not even comprehensible. But we are forced to accept this injustice, this fallacy. It’s sickening.

I married a man and was handed a thousand rights on a silver platter. My marriage failed.

And then, I found true love, with a person who truly loves me back. Our relationship is sweet, and sincere, and real, with a deep connection and love that most people only dream of. We are best friends. We are lovers. We are parents. We are partners in every way.

Why was my crappy relationship to a man held up higher than my amazing relationship with a woman?

How is it that I suddenly became a second class citizen, simply because of who I love?

HG and me. Our beautiful relationship deserves to be regarded with respect and honor, and legally recognized. And so I guess, we wait. For what else are we to do? I suppose anything worth having is worth waiting for, but this? Is heartbreakingly hard.

For more information on this outrageous miscarriage of justice, check out some of these sites:

LeLo

Just Out

Blogtown PDX

Willamette Week

Gay Rights Watch

Thank you to my fellow bloggers and the thoughtful posts that you have made on your own blogs.  Beecharmer, Jess,  Witchtrivets. 

What is that I hear?

Why it’s the sound of silence.

The children have left to go be with their father for the next eight days, and the sadness that filled me as I kissed them good-bye was replaced by the strange and amazing sound of nothing. Is it indelicate of me to be silently rejoicing in the absence of any kind of chaos in my home?

And what will I do all week? All alone. In a quiet house? I don’t believe that I will suffer from any ennui whatsoever.

I think I’ll make a list.

Tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

But for today, I believe I will sit (in my pajamas,) take a bath, wait for my HG to come home from work, and then who knows what may come my way?

It is date night after all.

And I am most certain that I will revel in whatever the evening produces.

Hurricane Force Weekend

Winter is upon us in the Pacific Northwest, and with the winter weather we are adding to it a hurricane tomorrow.  Or at least hurricane force winds.

We had a sample of it this evening.

As we stood outside.

Outside.

Watching DD#2 sing with the choir at the Scary Suburbs Christmas Celebration featuring the town tree lighting and Santa arriving by helicopter.

This was following our trudge to the middle of the woods to cut down our perfect Holiday Tree, an 8 foot Noble which there will be pictures of as soon as I’m not too lazy to get them off of my camera.

And also following DD#3’s sleepover last night and two early basketball games (which were inside an unheated gym,)  but before the basketball game tomorrow at 7:40 in the morning.

All I have to say.

Is that my wife is a SAINT and puts up with all of this.  And me.  Even after I snapped at her while we were paying bills.

SHE.

Is my shelter in any storm.

Even hurricanes.

Happy Birthday HG!

We’re back. . . More about that later.

Today is my beautiful wife’s birthday!

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful, amazing woman who ever graced the earth!

A Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

I have a little phrase in our house lately when the girls do something that I know will not be well received by HG.  I’ll say, “Girl’s, are you trying to give Mama C. a heart attack?”  This is appropriate for all things that may annoy HG, like them leaving their shit personal items all over the place, not making their beds, screaming at the top of their lungs, you know, the usual.

Today, I am worried.

Our good friends, who got married not so long ago are somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean on their honeymoon right now and we graciously volunteered to watch their two children for two of the days that they are gone.  Okay, in actuality they watched our girls when we were in Hawaii last year and paybacks are hell, what’s fair is fair.

I’m on my way to my Glamorous Waitressing Job, leaving HG here with FIVE children.  I asked her what she was going to do today while I was at work and she answered, “Kill myself.”

God have mercy on our household today.

Balancing the tipping point, plus flabby tummy

I’ve been forced to work a lot of hours at my Glamorous Waitressing Job since returning from Mexico.  This is due to the fact that I have had some huge-ass expenses recently that don’t pay for themselves.  The expenses are named DD#1, 2, and 3.  And because I make a pitiful amount of money, I need to work more.

I do not heart my Glamorous Waitressing Job and I am moving towards either getting a “real” job, or doing something different, like becoming a student.  Both ideas are exciting to me, although the later is a bit more terrifying than the former.  I keep trying to tell myself that I’ll be just fine and it’s sinking in a little more every day.  I’ll get there.

In the meantime, I balance my job that I don’t heart because it gives me great flexibility and that, I like.   I could do without most of the people that I’m forced to interact with on a daily basis, which is a bit of a problem when one works with the public, but somehow I manage.

The little things, like the occasional really big tip, or someone who is nice, or the guy yesterday who told me he was in love with me.  Those things make it tolerable.

One truly intolerable thing that I detest about my job is the assumption by those whom I wait on that I am not smart.  I know for a fact that my intelligence level far exceeds most of the people to whom I give service and looking at them looking at me, judging me in some way is yucky.  (Yes, intelligent people use the word yucky.)

It’s just part of my journey.

I have gained fifteen pounds since meeting HG.  I realize that I was horribly depressed and anxious prior to meeting her, which is probably why I was so thin, but I’m not so thrilled with the result.  I’m not certain why this bothers me, it certainly doesn’t bother HG and I am not unhealthy in any way.  I’m quite lovely, I’m sure, and the way my body looks is because I  carried three babies (not at the same time,) and nurtured and nursed them.  Inside for ten months each and outside for four years.  Yes, I spent nearly five and a half years being either pregnant, breastfeeding, or both at the same time.

Perhaps I should care less about my flabby tummy and more about my obvious insanity.

Speaking of insanity.

I’m not sure what is wrong with HG.  I think she’s completely nuts to have signed up to be with me and be part of this family.  That woman does everything for me, every day, all of the time.  She takes care of me, she takes care of the girls, she loves us with every part of her and just when it seems like she already does everything, she does more.

I am not sure what I did right in my life to deserve her, I really don’t.

She really loves me, flabby tummy and all.