Help With Terminology

A gentleman named John left a comment on the post I wrote, Pregnant Father about the terminology and differences between Sexual Identity and Gender Identity. In his comment he asked a question and for some help understanding these concepts.

Hi, I’m trying to understand all the terminology here. To be honest, I’m preparing for my comprehensive exams and the history of American Sexualities is one of my areas. I need help.

The reason that this is one of my categories is that my dissertation is on Frances Kellor. She was the head of the Americanization movement from 1908 - 1924. She had a female life partner for 50 years. She often dressed like a man. I need to understand how scholars would categorize her.

According to your terminology, though Kellor was phsyically a female, would you call her gender identity of male? If she has a gender identity of male, would she be heterosexual or lesbian? I read all the posts and still don’t entirely get it. Thanks!

BTW it might be interesting for you to know that Kellor ran much of Teddy Roosevelt’s 1912 progressive campaign. The press gave him grief for putting her and Jane Addams in positions of power. He said, in so many words, that they had changed his mind about suffrage and about lesbian women. Honestly, I think they both bonded over being so very macho. Kellor was a hunter and gamesman.

BTW, the Americanization movement always gets panned as coercive and hateful of diversity. I’m arguing, among other things, that it seems strange to assert that a gender bending lesbian was intolerant of diversity. I paint her work as inclusive. I think she would have seen herself as non-mainstream. Do you think this is fair?

Sorry for writing too much. Really, clarification on the terms would be most helpful. Book recommendations would too. Thanks, John

Well John, I’m not an expert on the subject, but plenty of the people who visit this blog know a thing or two about a thing or two around these areas. I know nothing about Ms. Kellor except what you have mentioned here and what I have quickly Googled.

I don’t think it would be fair to claim that Ms. Kellor identified as male without asking her first hand, (which obviously is impossible considering she’s dead.) I will tell you this–it was pretty typical for lesbians of that era to dress as men. More often than not they took on very specific Butch and Femme roles–the Butch lesbian would dress like a man, often to “pass” as a man or she would dress that way because she wanted to. The Butch/Femme identification was a pretty important part of queer culture during that time.

To critically look at the issue and the work that Ms. Kellor did as well as the fact that she had a partner for 50 years, my educated guess would be to classify her as a Butch Lesbian. She probably did bond with Teddy Roosevelt because they were both “macho,” lots of my Butch sisters are pretty damn macho and can hunt and fish and wrassle cattle and wield power tools.

She also may very well have been intolerant–just because someone is a feminist lesbian does not make her tolerant to other issues. I would have to further look at other evidence before I could state an opinion about that.

I’m sure some of the brilliant people who visit this blog will have some things to add and I look forward to what they have to say!

Good Luck John!

Ask RSG

Dear RSG,

My man is interested in a threesome (as a majority of men are) and I’m not opposed to having one, ONE TIME.  It’s something I’ve done before with a previous guy I was dating. While I’m not opposed to having intimate contact with a woman, it’s not something I would pursue on a long term basis. I am not interested in a relationship with another woman, on an intimate level.

I understand from things I’ve read, that lesbians are not interested in participating.  And why would they be?  They are after all lesbians, therefore they are not interested in being in a romantic/physical relationship with a man.  But that is the first place people look when searching for a third person to join them.

I am ashamed to admit that I looked on dating websites for women seeking women.  What I was surprised to find is the number of bi women looking for another woman to join in with them and their male significant other.

I guess I’m curious (and I’m not sure you can answer) about where is the line drawn?  Are they claiming to be bi so that they can find a girl to join them?  There were also those girls who were claiming to be bi but had never been with a woman, never been in a relationship with a woman, had never kissed a woman, but had fantasized about it and therefore figured they were bi.

But I’ve been with a woman, I’ve kissed a woman, I’ve had sexual relations with a woman both with and without a man, and I don’t claim to be bi sexual at all. Why?  Because I think that in order to claim that sexuality label you have to be willing to live that life.  I’m not.

There were also the girls that were turning to women because they had just had it with men.  All of the men in their lives had been complete jerks and they were done with them, so they wanted to give women a go.  Again, I don’t see how they can consider themselves to be bi sexual, when it’s not a life they are willing to commit to.

Maybe it’s all a personal choice how you describe yourself and where you think you fit in.  Maybe you don’t have the answers at all, but I thought you would be a good place to start.   –Becky

Dear Becky,

Identity is just that, identity.  You can choose to identify one way or the other or not, there are no hard and fast rules.  My immediate thought was that if you have been with women before and are willing to do it again, that would make you bi-sexual by definition.  After I gave it some consideration I concluded that someone who is  bi-sexual generally is someone who would be happy being with a man OR a woman, that’s not the case with you.

I would say that you are Hetero-flexible.  You are heterosexual but you don’t mind taking a bite out of the proverbial bi-sexual cookie once in a while.  Sexuality is fluid and it may and can change over time; most people don’t stick to one label their entire life.  I identify as a lesbian because I am in a committed long term relationship with a woman.  If that were to change, I would not seek the romantic company of a man and I would pursue a relationship with other women.  Would I ever sleep with a man again?  Maybe.  Does that make me Bi?  No.  I identify as a lesbian.  It would make me a lesbian that took a bite out of the proverbial bi-sexual cookie!

Lesbian women are typically offended with the invitation to join a threesome with a man—it’s not usually their cup of tea.  I would stick to the women who identify similar to the way you do—either bi-sexual, bi-curious, hetero-flexible or just experimenting.  The main thing to do is BE HONEST.

Post a personal ad and say what you’re looking for specifically.  DON’T go to a lesbian bar with your husband to troll for chicks—it most likely won’t go well.

My question to you would be this–Why do you want to do this?  To make your man happy or is it something that you want to do as well?  If it’s the first, I would tread carefully about setting up a precedence here.  I don’t think that every many has this fantasy, I think some do, and usually their fantasy is different from reality.  From my experience and others I know, usually it’s a lot more about the girls and the guy does a lot of watching (which may be just fine with him!)

Don’t do anything that could potentially threaten your relationship, establish rules of the game, and be safe.  Do your thing and have fun; just be respectful to everyone involved and remember the honesty.  That way you can be sure there is less of a chance of someone getting hurt.

Best of luck!

RSG

Ask RSG, (again)

You all did such a great job helping out Sarah and her girlfriend M. on the previous post, I thought I’d share another question that I received this morning from Jessica, another RSG:

I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I too am a RSG, I’m 33, I’ve been “straight” all my life. I’m in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman and I could never be happier. However, I’ve yet to tell my Mother and I have a 12 yr. old daughter and I’m not sure how to handle things with her. After reading your “About RSG” and seeing that you have a 12 yr. old and you have ALL girls, I would like to know how you handled the situation, and how you came out to your mother. Thanks!

Jessica,

Coming out to my parents was the easiest part of my entire experience.  I think that it was harder for me to come out to some of my friends than it was to my family (children included.)

I told my mother right away; in fact she was the first person I told.  She was much more concerned about my impending divorce than she was my sexual orientation; to her, she liked things copasetic, not the messiness that a divorce would cause.  My mother has never had an issue with me being a lesbian, and was thrilled when I met and fell in love with HG.

The relationship that I was in during my divorce was not one that I was open about to my daughters.  To them, she and I were friends, and had been friends for a long time, they never asked me about it, and I didn’t want to complicate their lives by putting that knowledge out there. In retrospect, it was a very good decision.  It was an adult matter that the children did not need to be involved in.  That relationship ended prior to my meeting HG.
I didn’t come out to my daughters until I was dating HG.  It was over a year after my divorce and one day I just mentioned to them in passing, “I think that I would like to start dating someone, do you have a problem with that?”  They said no, that they didn’t.  Then I said, “Would you have a problem if the person I wanted to date was a woman?”  DD#1, looked at me, and said, “No Mom, what difference does it make?”

I frequently checked in with them, and when HG and I began to be serious, I checked in with them some more.  We have very open conversations and I always attempted to ask them open ended questions that gave them the opportunity to express their feelings.  They have never expressed to me any issue whatsoever, even as DD#1 has entered middle school, which was something I was concerned with.

After my initial “coming out” time and after I figured out a few things, (like the fact that I was a big ole lesbian,) I never felt a need to proclaim my sexuality to anyone else in my life.
Acquaintances, neighbors, even some friends, and my extended family.  If I had gotten a divorce and started dating a man, I wouldn’t be calling up my grandmother and saying, “Hey, Grandma, guess what?  I’m fucking this new guy I met, isn’t that great?”  So why would I call her up and say, “Hey Grandma, guess what?  I’m fucking a new girl I met, isn’t that great?”

Here is where I am coming from.  Being a lesbian, dating someone of the same sex is not BAD.  Why do you need to make apologies?  Why can’t you just mention to your mother, “Mom, I have someone new in my life that I really care about, we get along great, we have fun together, I’m completely happy, and her name is Jane.”

Perhaps this is too idealistic, but I feel like if everyone just normalized the fact that the gender of the person you love is not significant,  we would have a lot less problems.  I seriously doubt that most people would call up their mother and say, “Mom, I have something serious to tell you.  I’ve been dating someone.   I don’t want you to freak out, but he’s Jewish.”  (As I wrote this I realized that there are probably people who would do this, and that’s sad.) 

You certainly need to do what is most comfortable for you, but I fail to see the need to have a big drawn out drama of a coming out to your mother.  You’re 33 years old for God’s sake, you’re a grown woman, you certainly don’t need your mother’s permission or even approval to live your life the way you see fit.

Now, about your 12 year old daughter.

12 year old girls are just brinking on their own sexuality journey, which makes this a bit of a tedious time to be discussing your own sexuality with her.  12 year old girls know a thing or two about sex and they really don’t want to be thinking about their own mother having sex (with anyone.)

With that said, I would start talking to her NOW.  I would be honest and open without going into too much detail that may freak her out.

If she knows the woman you are involved with and likes her, I would start there.  Say something like, “Honey, you know that Jane and I spend a lot of time together.  Well, I have begun to have very special feelings for her and care about her very much.  She is someone that means a lot to me and I want to have a relationship with her and everything that goes with that.”  Allow her to talk and express her feelings.  Be sure to present it as normal, explain it as you would any relationship.

You don’t mention if her father is in the picture and what, if any homophobia has been presented to her in her life.

Key points:

• Buy her a book on sex and sexuality written for pre-teens.  There are many good ones which present homosexuality in normal terms.
• Explain to her that your being a lesbian does not make her a lesbian, and that her sexuality is something for her to figure out as she grows older.  Explain that sexuality is something that is fluid and may change over a person’s lifetime.  Explain that there is nothing wrong with being gay, no matter what negative things have been said. (Just like there is nothing wrong with being Asian, or a person of color, or a Muslim, or a Republican.)
• I recommend the book, “How it Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent,”.  It is actually written by children of different ages and their experiences; almost all of the children were born into heterosexual families.
• PREPARE her for prejudices that may (or may not) occur so that she isn’t shocked if and when it happens.
• Giver her time to process, and keep talking about it.

Your daughter may feel threatened simply because you’re in a relationship with someone new, kids get like that.  She may have issues that have nothing to do with who you are with, but just because you are with some one.  You don’t mention how long this relationship has been going on, or how long you were single prior to it’s beginning.

I think what I have learned through my time as a mother in the simplest terms is this; If you don’t make a big deal out of things, generally kids don’t either.  If you make something seem awful and looming and bad, your kid will feel the same way about it.  If you’re stressed out about something, your kid will be stressed out about it.  They feed off of you and HOW you present something is much more important that WHAT you are presenting.

I wish you the best in your relationship, your process of discovery and in everything else.

Love,

RSG

Ask RSG

Recently I received a comment from a young woman named Sarah. Sarah explained to me that she is a 21 year old college student, stating, “I’m straight…and have dated guys all my life.”

Recently she ended a two year relationship with a man, which fell apart due to an issue of the distance between them. Sarah says that she is still in love with the boyfriend, despite the fact that he is now dating someone else.

Sarah’s problem is this:

“A little over a month ago, I met a gay girl through one of my friends and immediately I thought she was funny and nice. We both stayed in my friend’s room that night and we kinda hit it off. She was very open about how she felt towards me and although I emphasized that I was straight, she didn’t mind, and I felt myself oddly attracted to her. We’ve been talking ever since then, and I’ve tried to be more open with my thoughts on a relationship. She’s very much in love with me, and i DO love her…I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with and accepting all of this when I’m not interested or attracted to any other girls, so I know I’m straight (or bi at this point…) but, I want to know if I’m most likely wasting my time in a whim of a relationship that I may not allow to last, or if over time I can overcome my past ideals and societies acceptance, and be happy living my life with her? I’m not sure what to do or think about this and am seeking some help and advice from other girls…straight, bi, or gay…that can help me out at all.
I’ve formed quite a friendship and love for this girl, and don’t want to be tricking her or myself and hurt her in the long run. I look forward to hearing from you.”

First a disclaimer.

I am not a therapist, but I do apparently play one of the Internet. My answer is my opinion only and should not be construed as medical or psychological advice!

Dear Sarah,

You’re issue is one that is utterly timeless in the drama that is lesbian relationship. Whether you are the lesbian or the virgin straight girl, the tale has been told, and re-told a hundred times over. You, my dear, are the centerstone of lesbian myth, fear, and (occasionally,) happy ever after.

Honey, you keep saying that you’re straight, but you’re interested in another woman.

You’re not straight.

You can identify as however you wish, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are somehow immune to the grasps of sexual fluidity, as very few people are.  Whether you feel more comfortable identifying as bi, or queer, or hetero-flexible, feel free, but please don’t stand up with such vehemence professing your heterosexuality while at the same time feeling confused about a homosexuality tendency. It does little but make it seem as though being gay is BAD.

It is not.

Less important than your adjustment to what you’re used to and the need to balk at societal norms, you should be measuring this potential relationship as you would any relationship, despite the fact that the person you are in relationship with happens to be a woman.

There is no guarantee in any relationship; straight, gay, bi, polyamorous, whatever it is, there are never solid answers to how it will turn out. I believe that you are using the uncertainty of the outcome of the relationship to hide behind what appears to be a bit of homophobia on your part. Your 21, you’ve never considered a lesbian relationship for yourself before, of course it’s confusing! You’re entitled to be confused, but try to see your confusion through a real lens and not one that society has created for you, not one that your past relationships created for you, not one that your own prejudices have created for you.

Stand back a moment and look at this woman who cares for you, and ponder your feelings for her. You state that you love her, what type of love is that? Are you sexually attracted to her? Have you had a physical relationship? If you answer yes to the last two questions, I would say that you’ve pretty much answered your own question.

I think that it’s very good of you to be concerned about hurting your (girl)friend; many a lesbian hearts have been broken by the rogue bi-curious cupcake.

But fear not, if she’s been around the block or two, she knows what she’s getting herself into. If she hasn’t, well, I guess it’s about time she learns what her “big girl pants” are for and has her heart braced for what any veteran lesbian would look at as sure disaster.

You said that you’ve been looking all over the internet for advice; this is a natural reaction. I believe that you should stop looking for outside validation and start looking inside your heart.

Best of luck!

RSG

One Way, Bad Way? No Way!

Let’s talk about sex.

Recently, an RSG (let’s call her Jane,) wrote me asking a question about sex. Now, I’m not a sex therapist, but I apparently play one one the internet, so I spent several days trying to come up with a response with the attempt of being helpful.

Her concern was that her partner of two years seems to only be able to orgasm one way; with G-Spot stimulation while being penetrated. She worried that her partner was missing out on clitoral orgasms. She was also concerned that they were getting into a “rut” and that it was “bad” for her partner to only be able to orgasm with only one technique.

I gave this some thoughtful consideration and did what I do best; research.

It is not unusual for a woman to only be able to orgasm one way and it is much preferred over the thousands (millions?) of women who never orgasm at all. Now, my assumption would be that most of those non-orgasming women are of the heterosexual persuasion, but I’m sure there are one or two lesbians in that category. (For all of those women who do not orgasm, I am truly sorry and I beg them to get some help, or a new partner, whichever is easier.)

Although less women orgasm with G-Spot or penetrational stimulation, many women prefer and find it easier to orgasm this way rather than clitoral stimulation. Some women find clitoral stimulation “too much” and often don’t orgasm this way, or if they do, it’s the kind of orgasm that kind of makes your entire body tense up and “hurt” (but in a kind of good way.)

Some women need indirect clitoral stimulation.

Some women need both clitoral stimulation and penetration at the same time.

Some women strongly dislike penetration.

One of the greatest things about having sex with women is that there isn’t the pressure of being “goal oriented.” Men are goal oriented and many women who have/had sex with men realize that there is typically a time restraint on what can be accomplished in the designated amount of time that they have to work with. This is an important mental switch to make when one is now having sex with women.

When women have sex with women, there is less of a goal oriented attitude; it is far more about the intimacy and connection that occurs between you and your partner and less about the end result. If an orgasm happens in your bed, great, but often lesbian sex is far less about “getting there,” and more about the journey.

Because every woman is different and each woman has her own set of preferences, the sex organ that is most important to utilize is the brain. Talk to your partner, spend time just being intimate without the pressure of how/when/where you have an orgasm. Spend time just being together in an intimate way that may or may not include sexual acts. This is a beautiful way to experience your partner, deepen your connection, and will almost always lead to a deeper and more satisfying physical/sexual relationship.

Orgasming only one way is not a bad thing, it just is, and it’s okay.

I advised Jane to spend some quality “intimate, together” time with her partner without the pressure of the orgasm issue. I also pointed her to a website that I found for helpful hints. Additionally, I recommended one of my very most favorite things that every woman should have. They come in all sorts of colors and make a great stocking stuffer! (Just be sure to take out the batteries while traveling, I may or may not know this from personal experience.)

So there you have it, a sex post.

Please feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.

Ask RSG

I recently received a letter from someone who shared with me something interesting about herself:

“Dear RSG,

Hey there, I’m so happy to find your site - not because I am an RSG (I’ve been out since I was 13) but because I seem to keep falling for the women who are either but aren’t, you know what I mean?

This isn’t about internalized homophobia, or not loving myself enough to be with dykes, or loving unavailable people. I know whats happening, but I can’t seem to make it stop. And the women are never completely straight! I don’t get attracted to completely straight women. I get attracted to women who haven’t made up their minds, so they act like they want me one day, and the next they’re freaked out.”

I was told by several women in my coming out process that newly out lesbians are scary sorts and that they will most definitely break your heart. I imagine newly out Recovering Straight Girls are even more so. To be honest, if I were single, I doubt that I would be interested in a woman who had never been with another woman before. That’s a lot of pressure, and I suppose there is always the possibility that maybe it wouldn’t be for her, and she would resume dating men. That may be a bit of an ego blow.

As I told my DR (Dear Reader,) I’m not a therapist, I just seem to play one of the internet, but her question (the entirety of it, I answered privately) made me think.

Why would an out-lesbian be attracted to seemingly-straight women? And, I wonder how many of my RSG Readers (see project RSG,) were with out-lesbians their first time with women? My guess is a lot of them, and I hope that they chime in here to let us know.

I believe that all women are at least a little bit gay, and that it just takes the right situation or a few martini’s and the right situation for her to act on it.

I’m sure that there are a lot of women who will ascertain that they have never and would never desire a sexual relationship with a woman, but this I have trouble believing. I guess I have difficulty believing this because I was once one of those women. But I’m not every woman. I’m sure their are some very deep seeded homophobia for a lot of people that would prevent them from even considering such a thing, and perhaps as our society evolves, more people will be comfortable exploring all parts of themselves.

Perhaps my DR feels somewhat as though she is a “savior” in some way and that is why she is often attracted to women who are on the questionable side of straight. I can totally see that. Perhaps she wants to do her part for the Lesbian Recruitment Project*, and rid the world of un-necessary heterosexuality? Good plan, actually, but not so practical for her. A lot of heart-break in that, I would imagine.

Hopefully she will figure it out and have a healthy relationship with a woman who really knows who she is and what she wants, because that, is the kind of relationship to have. I know from my past significant relationships that it really sucks to look at the person you are with and wonder, “Does he/she really want to be with me?” There is no lonelier position to be in and no one should have to ever wonder that. I don’t anymore, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Everyone should have that kind of relationship that HG and I have, it’s the way it should be. And it is my wish for every one of you who reads this blog that if you don’t have that kind of relationship, either create it or move on.

Because I deserved it, and so do you.

*Just so I don’t get any hate mail, there is no such thing peeps, just a joke.

Ask RSG

Wondering if I should change the advice section of my blog to “Dear Doily Dyke?”  Y’all can let me know…

 Hi, RSG,

I’m a fairly new reader to your blog and I enjoy it a whole, whole lot.  If this isn’t too intrusive, I’d really like to ask you some questions about how you came into your sexual identity and how you found any peace in figuring out your sexual orientation.

My partner and I have been together for just shy of a year.  We’re both young; I’m 22 and she’ll be 21 next month.  I have been out for about 4 years now and my partner, almost 2.  I’m curious about your experiences because my partner is really struggling with her identity.  In past relationships, when it’s gotten too hard to hear from her family that what she’s doing is wrong, she runs to a relationship with a man and stays there for a little while and she tries to convince herself that she can do it; that she can be straight and happy and in love and intimate with a man.  Man, RSG, she is sooooo gay.  Believe me.  Gay gay gay.  She’s gay.  But right now, she and I are in a situation and there’s all kinds of doubt and dishonesty and…dyke drama going on, and I guess I just want to know that it’s possible for someone to quit convincing themselves they’re one way and relax and let themselves be happy, even if it’s going to be hard.  You and your partner clearly have something special and I dunno.  I guess I’m seeking some blind reassurance.  Thanks, RSG.

–A–

Dear –A–,

I came into my sexual orientation and identity by awakening to the fact that I was indeed a lesbian.  I asked myself some very simple questions, such as, “If I could be with a really hot man or a really hot woman, with no strings attached sex, which would I choose?”  The answer, The Woman.  “Would I be okay with going the rest of my life without being with a man?”  The answer, Yes.  “Could I go the rest of my life without being with a woman?”  The answer, No.   But mostly I felt alive, awake and real for the first time in my life after I had my first lesbian relationship.  And I still feel that way every day.  I am gay.  Gay, gay, gay. But the difference between me and your girlfriend is that I’m okay with it; your girlfriend obviously is still struggling.

Is it possible to get over the struggle and relax and be who you are?  Of course it is, and their are about twenty million examples of people who have done just that.  Can you do anything to expedite that process?  Probably not.  This is your girlfriends journey and she has to travel it.  You can stand beside her and support her on it, but you can’t do it for her and you can’t convince her to do anything different than what she is doing.

Relationship advice 101:  You can’t make your partner feel, think, or understand something that she isn’t capable of feeling, thinking, or understanding for herself at the time.

Love her, support her and validate her.  If she runs away from you because of her insecurities and fear, you certainly have the right to set up healthy boundaries and be emotionally healthy.  Doubt and dishonesty are two things that are definitely not part of a healthy relationship, and if it’s negatively affecting you, it’s time to move on until she figures out what and who she wants to be, and who she wants to be with.  You can be a supportive friend without being a martyr or a doormat, never let someone’s self-destruction destroy you.

It’s a journey.  You’re both young and will evolve and change through the years.  You’re much too young to be caught in a Dyke-drama filled relationship that brings you pain and confusion.  Decide what you can tolerate and stick with that plan, love yourself first.

Best of luck!

RSG

Ask RSG

Dear RSG, 

My gf and I have now finally told our ultra-conservative & overly religious parents about our relationship.

My parents are handling it quite well, predominantly because I came out to them about a year ago and they’ve obviously had some time to adjust to everything and work through most of the issues that people in their situation would have with regard to someone wanting to live a ‘gay lifestyle’.

My gf’s mom is not handling it too well. Clearly the shock of hearing that her daughter is gay, has been having a long term relationship with another woman and that this woman happens to be someone that she has treated as her own child is a bit hectic.

The big problem is that my relationship with my parents has always been solid in the sense that I’ve always been able to discuss everything with them and we’ve always been able to reach some sort of compromise on any conflicts that arose.

My gf on the other hand has never really had any sort of real relationship with her mom. She’s always suger-coated everything, so as not to upset her mom. She was closer to her dad who passed away 7 years ago.

My question is this - how can I support my gf? I feel that whenever I comment on what’s happening with her and her mom, she thinks that I’m criticising how she’s handling the situation. If I don’t say anything, it appears as if I don’t care… Which is obviously not the case!

We are both in incredibly draining professions and have both been off sick at home, so it just feels like we’re frustrated with each other all the time.

How do I show her how much I love and support her even though her way of dealing with this is different from mine?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for the great blog!
F.
Cape Town, South Africa

Congratulations on coming out to all of your parents and living a true-to-yourself life. One thing to remind yourself is that you ARE gay; you’re not choosing to live a certain “lifestyle.” Embrace that fact and remember that without living your life authentically, your just cheating yourself and everyone else around you.

It’s a challenge in any relationship to find a way to relate to our partners. Sometimes when we grow up with different family dynamics, what makes sense to us does not make sense to our partners and it’s important to try to distinguish these differences and communicate them. Not unlike if you spoke only English but your partner’s family spoke only Spanish. It would be up to her to translate to you at family functions or during family conflicts. Family dynamics are the same way, sometimes you need to translate those differences.

You both need to understand that you also have differences in how you handle conflict and you learned this from your families. Having family conflict becomes a very personal thing, and because you don’t speak the language, your girlfriend probably feels like you just don’t get it.

You said, How do I show her how much I love and support her even though her way of dealing with this is different from mine?

She shouldn’t be dealing with this the same way that you do; she should be dealing with this the way that she does. You can be loving and supportive without solving the problem. I know this is a difficult task for a lot of people, (myself included.)

She will work through this and all you can do is just be there. Allow her the chance to talk about her feelings without trying to solve them. Don’t give her advice, don’t try to give her dialogue, (unless she asks,) and just LISTEN. Tell her that you’re so sorry that she if feeling so conflicted, guilty, bad, or whatever she is feeling and that you’re there for her no matter what.

Tell her that this will run it’s course and you are here for her to stand by her side and just hold her hand; and that you love her. You can’t do work FOR someone, but you can hellp to steady them if they might fall.

You mentioned that you’re both home sick right now. This is the perfect opportunity for the two of you to just snuggle on the couch, drink 7-up and watch some bad tv or some movies you’ve been wanting to see. Take this time to reconnect and just “be” together.

Dealing with family issues is difficult and it can be much more difficult during the coming out process. I’m sure your girlfriends mother will come around and be fine; she loves her daughter and sounds like she loves you too. Sometimes these things just take time.

Best of luck!
RSG

Ask RSG

Dear RSG,

Recently, my girlfriend and I were in bed. We were discussing a particular sex act and she asked me to do it. I told her that I had never done that particular sex act with anyone, man or woman before and didn’t know if I could. I asked her if she had ever done it and she replied, “once or twice with my previous girlfriend.” Because I trust my girlfriend so much, I was willing to do it, even though I felt a little bit uncomfortable.

Afterward, we were cuddling and I asked her to then do the same thing. She refused. I felt really bad and got very upset. I couldn’t understand how she could ask me to do something and then not do it as well, especially when she admitted to have done it with her ex. It made me feel like she didn’t trust me enough, and I felt a little exposed. We ended up arguing about it and her sleeping on the couch. We worked it out the next day, but I was still bothered. Was I wrong to be upset?

–Exposed in Michigan

Dear Exposed,

I don’t believe that anyone is ever “wrong” for being upset about something that obviously upsets them. In matters of intimacy and possibly doing something outside of ones comfort zone, it can make people feel particularly vulnerable and raw. Your girlfriend may have had many reasons for not wanting to recipriocate in bed that night. Perhaps your girlfriend was experiencing that “afterglow” that occurs after experiencing or watching their partner do something, especially if it was new and different for you. Perhaps it was your delivery of asking her to perform said act that made her feel a little uncomfortable. Or perhaps, your girlfriend was feeling a little “toppy” in bed that night and wanted to dictate what was happening and when. It is also possible that because you put yourself in a position to do something that you had never done before, knowing she had done it with her ex, that you were feeling particularly edgy and having some unrealistic expectations of your girlfriend.

Whatever the reason for the dynamic of what occurred, there is only one good answer; sit down and have a real heart to heart with your girlfriend, and try to get to the bottom of it. Lie next to her, facing her, with your arms around each other and really talk about the real issue, how you were feeling, how she was feeling and what those feelings brought up for both of you.

Most of the time, any kind of argument is not about what you’re arguing about, but rather something much deeper and scarier than you realize. Fear is the only motivating factor for anger and upset, and that is what you should be discussing. What scared you?

In my opinion, this kind of discussion is not only possible, but necessary when you are dealing with a relationship between two women. Our emotions run so deep, and most of the time women are able to identify and recognize their emotions and fears and the issues that they have surrounding their emotions and fears. Don’t let this come between you, and certainly don’t let this stop you from experiencing everything you want to experience in your sex life. You say that you trust your partner, make sure that she understands what that trust means, and how much she holds in her hands having your trust like that. I’m certain she wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize such a precious gift.

Good luck Exposed, I feel quite confident that you and your girlfriend will work through it.

Love,
RSG

Ask RSG

Recently I received an e-mail from “Kim,” another RSG who had a question about leaving her relationship and about leaving her child. Her question went like this:

Can you dedicate a post to those of us who may be leaving, and possibly be
even giving up custody of their kids? For me, it’s because I’m a full-time,
many-degreed professional who needs to put in way over 40 hours a week while
my husband is a blue-collar kind of a guy who gets home by 4 each day. In my
case it’s because it’s in my son’s best interests, but I suppose there are
lots of ladies out there who just leave to leave.

I had to think a lot about this because I certainly didn’t want to have any kind of judgement surrounding it. I think that it’s important to weigh out all of the factors in any kind of custody arrangement concerning children, but as a mother and the primary caregiver for my own children, it’s difficult for me to imagine giving that up.

I have strived to have my children’s life stay as close to the way it was as possible, and I think that is what Kim is trying to do as well. There are several factors to take in to consideration, the most important being that you do not want your child to feel as though he has been abandoned in any way. It is important to establish and maintain as much normalcy as possible and keep the childs standard and way of living as close to the same as can be. This would mean, not moving far away from your child, making sure that you are still able to participate in the same capacity as before; going to parent/teacher conferences, attending school concerts and sports events. Do not use the fact that you are not in the same house as an excuse to no longer parent your child. If you are unable to share physical custody, be sure that you have ample visitation and also see your child throughout the week. Kim didn’t mention how old her child was, but he shouldn’t be going more than a few days without seeing his mother, even if it’s just for dinner every other night. Some sacrifices in work and social schedules may need to be made to insure that he feels as though he is loved and safe, and that is what children need, no matter what their family dynamics are; to feel loved and safe.

Children need to know and be made to know, that BOTH of their parents love them and will always take care of them and keep them safe. This is true of any divorce or separation situation; not just one where a mother leaves because she is a lesbian.

Women who do leave their relationships because they are a lesbian have a whole bunch of other things to address, but that stuff is really seperate from their children. The children need to know that their mother loves them and that’s all. When the time comes to address your sexuality; that will be a different issue all together.

People leave their relationships for a lot of different reasons; one’s sexuality is only one of them. It’s important for people to live their lives as who they are and not pretend to be someone that they are not. It’s important to be true to yourself and the people around you; including your family. If you are who you are, and are living your life fully and truly; your happiness will be reflected to the others around you, including your children.

Being good to yourself and true to yourself will make you a better mother; but being a mother is the primary responsibility. You can still live your life the way you want to live it, and fulfill the duties of being a parent at the same time; it’s just a bit of a balance.

Good luck to you Kim, and to other women who may be struggling with the same issue. It is important to keep your child’s best interest, but the child’s best interest almost always involves parenting from both parents.

Posted by Recovering Straight Girl

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