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Dad, Daddy, Father
Posted under Being RSG, Family by Recovering Straight Girl
The other evening we were over at a friends house hanging out and having wine on their patio. It finally cooled down in Portland a bit so it was nice to be outside. We watched heat lightning in the far off distance and enjoyed the evening. My wife was recalling a conversation that she had with of the girls and in that conversation she referred to the DD’s father as “your daddy,” which is exactly how I refer to the DD’s father in speaking of him to them. My friend SB thought that is was strange that the girls still call their father Daddy. I guess I had never really thought about that at all. They call me “Mommy” and really what difference does it make? She felt that the title of “Daddy” is one that is given to men who show love, attention and nurturing to their children–XH does not exactly fit into that category. I suppose that the girls will figure that out for themselves as they continue to mature and grow.
The conversation prompted me to think of why we call our parents the names that we do and what does it mean. Is it a cultural/regional thing or is it rooted in our affection for that individual? I address my mother in whatever way I am feeling at the time. If I am feeling very affectionate (and needy) I call her Mommy. If I’m pissed off–it’s Mother. Other times it’s Mom. My extended family always refers to their maternal parent as Mum but not like the Brits say it–it’s the Pittsburgh version and not nearly as sweet sounding.
And my father?
Well that is a relationship that has been quite strained by time and distance and other relationship obligations for many, many years. We’ve shared telephone conversations and holiday niceties, but over the last several years even those have diminished to a call every few months and a check from him at Christmas to cover a Birthday and Christmas gift for each of the girls.
When my parents divorced my mother moved me hundreds of miles away from my father so she could be with her new husband and I rarely saw him after that. Mix that with the fact that neither of my parents protected me from each other’s viciousness towards each other, and that I was brinking on being a teenager and being moved around, and the fact that my father remarried someone who was less than thrilled that he had a child by a (gasp) previous marriage. It was not a good combination. As a matter of fact it was a recipe for the beginning of the end of our father/daughter relationship.
He went on to have a second family with his wife and he was a very, very good father to them. He was such a good father to them that his life did not allow any leftover time for his first child–or his three granddaughters. He has only seen the girls a few times. The last time was nearly nine years ago when they were 1, 3, and 5 and we flew to Pittsburgh to see my dying grandfather. He doesn’t even know them.
Yes, this has hurt at times–yes, I have felt very ripped off about the whole thing–and yes, it hasn’t felt very fair.
There are a lot of people to blame for all of this but seriously what does that accomplish? I’m nearly forty years old and I had accepted that the type of relationship (or non-relationship) that I have with my father is just the way that it is and being torn up about it doesn’t help anyone. I’m a grown woman–I don’t need a Daddy anymore, I don’t need a Father giving me advice or telling me I’m doing things wrong. My girls don’t need a grandfather–you can’t miss what you’ve never had. Right?
Last month I called him. I hadn’t talked to him in months but I did send him a Father’s Day card that the girls helped me to make. “Why do we need to send him a card?” they asked, “We don’t even know him.” I told them it didn’t matter that they didn’t know him, it was a nice thing to do. So we did.
I called him last month because I was feeling sad. I had just gone with my Mom to have her 15 year-old-dog put to sleep and it was a very difficult task. I had to be strong for my sobbing Mother and I was feeling like I needed to be parented a bit myself–so for some reason I instinctually turned to my other parent.
He was happy to hear from me and after giving his condolences over the dog, he told me something that shocked me.
He wants to come for a visit.
My father has not visited me since he came for my High School graduation in 1987 and now, 21 years later he would like to come to Portland to spend time with me and the girls.
I can honestly tell you that I felt as though some miracle occurred. Did my Mom’s dog have to die to make this shift in the universe happen? You see, I’ve never been angry about my father’s un-involvement in my life–I’ve always wanted it to be different, I just never thought it would take this long to happen if it happened at all.
But I guess it has.
After determining what dates would work for both of us we arranged a visit and he will be here for a long weekend visit over Labor Day.
This has obviously brought up a lot of things for me that I’ve needed to process. I think it has also brought up a lot for the girls although they probably can’t quite wrap their heads around it. DD#1 asked me, “I’m almost 14 years old, why now is he suddenly interested in us?” DD#3 asked what she should call him. I told her she can call him whatever she likes. She decided on Pappy.
I told them and at the same time told myself that it’s never to late to create a relationship–and I know that it is true. We’re excited about his visit and I’m planning some fun things for us to do together. I want to show him that he is welcome in our home and in our life whenever he wants. And I want him to know that I do still need him.
I may not need a Father and I may not need a Daddy, but I still need a Dad–and finally after so many years–it looks like I may have one again.
(this is what I delurk for?)
anyway, I love this post. I hope for all of you that the visit goes well. And I can only hope that some day I’ll be able to make a post like this.
Also delurking,
I have read you for a while. You just make sense. This post also touched me. My family has been going through the roughest times with “Mom”. Really made me think about Mom, momma and mother.
You are a great writer. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
that’s beautiful. I hope you have a great time!
I wish I could visit my dad the way you will be. I’m so glad for you and the family. Now that my dad is incapacitated in a wheel chair and does not remember me, I always call him Daddy. I miss him so much and calling him that lets me hang onto memories when he was strong and able to take care of himself and of me.
Reading that makes me wonder what kind of relationship my son will have with his father. You’re right, it’s never too late.
I also wanted to comment on your writing. It always flows very nicely, is easy to read, not pushy, very clear, insightful (into your life, and it makes me think about mine,) and it ALWAYS keeps me coming back for more.
On another note, I hope that your upcoming visit with your dad goes well. I myself am a Daddy’s girl. But even so, there have been times when our relationship has been strained, wherein I learn where I’ve inheritied my stubborn gene. (Yup, Daddy gave that one to me.) But no matter what, we always make amends, learn from each other, and trust that our relationship will continue to grow. I hope that your visit with your dad allows you to do the same. Speaking from my own experience, it’s nice to have a dad to talk to, even if I’m old enough not to “need” a Daddy.
If there’s any chance you can build a relationship with him, I’d grab that chance and hold onto it for all it’s worth. Once they’re gone, no matter how badly you want it, there’s no Dad to call when you need to or want to. Hoping this turns into something very special for you and your girls.
Wow! that’s awesome RSG
I was 19 when my father died. It was 1973 and I was all of my young self and thought I knew everything. Our relationship was one of conflict- he said black, I said white.
I sometimes wonder if as an adult we could have found middle ground.
I can really understand what you are saying as my father never saw my children and it has never bothered me in the least. now we as parents need to understand how we effect our children in many ways . and it is a shame as i am remarried and was always there for my children as my wife and i never involved our children to any harsh feelings we had for each other as a matter of fact my first wife and I are the best of friends.I am now 60 and my oldest is 43 and she is a daddies girl as all my children are I AM A DADDY FOR LIFE
I hope all goes well for your visit. I would hate for you to get hurt just as you are opening up to him again. I do agree that it is never to late to start a relationship. I was able to reconnect with my father about 5 years before he passed away and am so glad I put myself in a place to have that relationship. It was the relationship I had always wanted. Again good luck.
People tend to “loosen up” a bit when they sense that time may be running short. I’m glad your father called you and I’m glad you are willing to have him come visit. He may have been more interested in you and your daughters all along than you realize, but just didn’t have a way to express it. I hope that you can all just be kind to each other and have a good visit and create good memories for all of you. Maybe you should let him know that lots of people he doesn’t even know are rooting for him (and you, and your girls)!
Good luck!!
GG
I never knew my father. My dad, on the other hand, was an asshole. He died almost 3 and a half years ago and damn if I don’t miss him every now and then. If it’s possible, a relationship with your Dad could be a good thing - for all of you. Enjoy your time with him.
Yup; it’s never too late. And as you’ve already figured out Reality (whether it’s friendly or not) is what “wins.” I hope your expectations and the reality that unfolds are at least sort of the same. I’ve seen parents who were so lost, damaged or overwhelmed that it was all they could do to stay afloat… and then later (often very much later) they sort of “wake up” and love, laugh, learn, express interest and even earn appreciation. And of course, forgiving is what we do for OUR sake, not theirs. Best wishes.
You know, my Dad died and I miss him, but I didn’t have a very close relationship with him, and my parents stayed married until the day he died. He was ‘my Dad,’ and when I was little he was the ‘Daddy’ I kissed good night every night, but I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me.
I think it’s good that he is coming to visit, maybe you can all get a good look at each other, if you all end up forming a relationship based on really seeing each other, that’s gotta be good.
I teared up from your post. No, it’s never too late. Don’t focus on the bad, choose the good and look at everything with a clean heart. My dad died when I was 11 and my mother abandoned us 2 months later, then committed suicide a year later. I will never have the opportunity to share more than memories of my parents with my kids. My aunt & uncle then raised me, and although they don’t care for my husband (he has a PhD, which is way over their heads) and I will never be one of their “children” — they are wonderful to my own kids, who call them their grandparents, and for that I am grateful. I can take being “lesser” to them, as long as my kids are treated as they treat their other grandchildren (and they do). The connection to MY family is what’s important, especially since we live on the same property as my husband’s mother — I want my kids to know BOTH sides of their family trees - at least the parts where love abounds. Take it and run with it - enjoy just knowing that your dad reached out to you.
Ditto what Sassy said.
Open your heart and be surprised to find out what comes in. And it’s a good thing for your girls - both to have some experience with their Grandpa AND to see you being so open and accepting 21 years later! Good for you!
Have fun.
hope all goes well. it will be a wonderful thing for the girls if he embraces a relationship with you all.
I wasn’t going to comment on this blog, but after today I decided to.
Again, I know where you are coming from with the father thing. Mine, was less than wonderful. He was abusive, in every way imaginable and was pissed when I was born because I wasn’t a boy.
Today is my birthday. Me, my Mom and my Daughter went to the shore to spend the day. My father lives about 20 minutes from where we were. Even though my Mom was with us, and she can’t stand him….she said that I should definitely call. I did, told him we were around and to call me back. He did call back about 2 hours later. I won’t bore you with all that was said but, 1. he didn’t say we should get together and 2. never wished me a happy birthday. Yes, I could’ve suggested we get together, but if he didn’t, I know he had no intentions for it to happen. I hung up and thought , why do I even bother!?! I can tell you, I won’t bother again. I’m done.
I hope for you that you and your Dad are able to build a relationship and that your daughters have a chance to get to know him…even a little.
I am glad that he is finally stepping up and asking to come for a visit. I understand your feelings, because I too have them in a different way. I was adopted and my adoptive father and I have never gotten along, but one because he molested me and two because he is a complete asshole. I haven’t seen him in about 7 years, so that means he doesn’t really know my kids, he saw my first four, but has never met the last three, and I am good with that. Now I want a relationship with my birth dad, he wanted one with me too, but it is complicated and he has a very jealous wife, so he isn’t allowed to have one with me, so I am left with NO dad, and it is sad. The only hope I had was that my ex was a fabulous dad until he found himself a girlfriend who does not like kids, and he has 7…So now my kids are starting to feel the pain of not having a good dad around…..I do believe that everyone deserves a dad…..WHat is wrong with most men???
This is a wonderful post. I’m 45 and still call my father Daddy. My eldest, 18, still calls me Mommy, even when some friends gave her crap about it recently.
I hope your upcoming visit with your Dad goes well. I think it’s great that he expressed interest in your family after so long.
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