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So far away from me . . .
Posted under Being RSG, Family by Recovering Straight GirlI recently re-connected with an old boyfriend that I haven’t seen or spoken to in over twenty years. When I say “re-connected” I mean to say that I may have Web Stalked located his e-mail address via Google and we have exchanged a few polite e-mails. And when I say he was my boyfriend I really mean to say that as a 16 year old I was madly obsessed in love with him and may have lost my virginity to him on an October evening in 1985. I remember that evening as if it were yesterday. I wonder if he does? I won’t be asking him. If I would have forgotten anything about that evening or any other evenings that I shared with him over a span of several years I could be easily reminded by the painful diary entries that are still hidden in the bottom of my cedar chest at the end of my bed. Should someone keep painful memories at the end of their bed for over twenty years?
Today I sent him a long e-mail letter that went over a little bit about nothing. I did not share intimate details of my life only silly things about recent camping trips and that I have an amazing partner who loves me to death and worships the ground that I walk on and that someday we’re going to sail in South America and after that I’m going to teach writing at Berkley.
I didn’t ask him some of the stuff that I am dying to. Like does he still have that photograph of me in the nighty that he took that day in his bedroom? I’d love a look at it–I bet I look smokin’ hot (and young and skinny.) I didn’t ask him if he had weird dreams about me like I’ve had about him for over two decades or if he ever regretted breaking my heart a million times–and why. I didn’t ask him if his wife was frumpy and ugly with saggy boobs, glasses, grey hair and bad posture or if he had gained weight and lost his hair. I don’t think I want to know the answer to that–he’ll always be 18 in my mind and that is the image I would like to keep.
In the first e-mail he sent to me he said, “you haven’t changed a bit.” No I didn’t send him a photo of me–he was saying that based on my words not my looks. I responded and told him I had but didn’t mention just how much. I did tell him that I’ve turned into a person that I really, really like–and that is probably the biggest transformation from the girl I was way back then to now–and that’s a hard thing to explain over e-mail.
Inside I have grown (wiser, refined, confident)–outside I have grown (into a more mature but lovely lady)–my heart has grown, my soul has grown, and my everything has become more beautiful.
My life has been somewhat like a perennial that has been damaged by the frost. It died back to nothing in the winter–but in the spring it grew eight feet tall and continues to grow and flourish every day.
That young girl who loved that young boy is so far away from me but they both live in my heart just a little bit so that I won’t ever forget where I first learned about the beauty of love. Unrequited or not, it was still love to me and I will never forget–no matter how far away from me it becomes.
It’s funny how the past is never truly dead. What you see in the rear view mirror is always closer than it appears and accepting and making room for that in your life is almost always necessary. Coming to terms with pain and disappointment, mistakes, and bad decisions only paves the way for further growth and development. Embracing the movement of change allows fresh and new people, energy, and experiences to come along–creating more memories that tell the story of your life.
The past may be so far away–but it’s not so far that you can’t see it–and looking at it from the perspective of being over here is a much better view.
Let’s for fun–just take a look at me then–
and now–
Older yes. But so much happier!!!
Oh my God, this is exactly what I needed to read this evening. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My very wise, handsome, and blue-eyed high school English teacher once told my class that most former students come back to visit the school for the same reason: They don’t come back because they miss their school days. They come back to compare who they are now with who they were then.
I don’t remember much about high school but that idea has always stuck with me. Sometimes looking back can tell you where you are going.
What do you have to lose by asking those questions? Intimacy is sacred wherever it shows up… (and I don’t mean the losing virginity part — but the poignant honest.) My HS BF (whom my parents were terrified of and hated) is dead. Can’t ask him….
I love it……I think finding old friends, lovers, etc is awesome….I also agree, why not ask him??
I recently re-connected with an old friend, who was one of my mothers students, he was in 7th grade, I in 8th…My mother took him under her wing, and her boss did too, so needless to say we went on many trips together and had many moments of trying things out!
I hunted, obsessed and stocked him until I found him because he was a lawyer and I needed his help in my divorce……I was insane at the time. My insanity paid off though, I have such a wonderfull friend back and we give eachother so much. My mom died 8yrs ago, and he gives me so much insight into her, he makes me laugh about her too. Now for the funny part….He brought up in one of our phone conversations that he remembered one of outings to a ski resort and how I was…LMAOH…..I turned so red, it was so funny. I couldn’t believe he remembered, but he did. We laugh and joke about. He is a best friend I have missed over the years. He accepts my life for what it has become and supports me no matter what.
I try to get together with him once a month, and it is so much fun. A recent fun time was while my kids were with their dad, I went out on my motorcycle, picked my friend up, and we drove around all day, he was my bitch, it is very unusual to see a man on the back of a back with a woman driving. The expressions of some were hysterical, we had the best day and plan to do it again.
So I say go for it, ask your friend what you want, what do you have to lose??
You were cute back then, RSG, but now you’re beautiful. In this age of sites like classmates.com, facbook and myspace, it’s easy to reconnect with the past, and so interesting to see how much we’ve grown and changed, both inside and out.
You have an absolutely stunning smile. Mesmerizing actually. Wow.
I’ve been in touch with a few people from my past lately. I love how you describe it as objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear. It is so true.
Oh! You do have a lovely smile! And you are beautiful and talented and a great writer. And I think you are brave for getting in touch with him. I couldn’t do it.
i linked to this post and also quoted you in something i posted the other day… i read an old college friend’s blog ~ who had just had lunch with my first girlfriend. in moments, i had a PO box and have been toying with sending a note or card or something… except i dont know what i want to say. your musings here really struck a chord in me.
thanks for sharing this story…
xo,
gypsy
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I think you are much better now. Yes, gorgeous inside and out.
I agree with joe… you look goreous now. happy in a way that only being true to yourself can bring.
You have aged like like well written prose.
I am so suava bola….let’s try that again.
You have aged like well-written prose.
Crap, forget it, your still hot.
I have never had a boyfriend, but my best friend(besides my missus who is my bestest friend) is a boy.
“In the first e-mail he sent to me he said, “you haven’t changed a bit.” ”
wanna bet? Check my(your) blog title!
So Miss Katherine, what boy are we talking about?? I see he was in my class so I am sure I can fill you in on ANY juicy details you would like to know!! Initials CH by chance? lol
I still have thoughts of Brian Rishel (my own personal devirginator) and how wonderful he was. ( he wasn’t) I wonder what he is up to or what he looks like these days. Could you please use your cyberstalking skills and track him down for me? lol
PS. Love the pictures of Kristen and Beth! lol You post any of me and I will hunt you down!!
Hottie. Fo’ sure.
Stop by and say Hi or something sometime woman.
You have an incredible way with words that makes my blog look so dull after reading yours! lol. I am 25 but I totally relate to you on how people change so much–yet they are the same person. Thanks for writing!
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