16
Enough Lesbians To Go Around
Posted under Being RSG, Lesbian Issues by Recovering Straight GirlOn my previous post I mentioned a website that offers support to “married women attracted to other women.” I stated that I would check out the site after a commenter chastised me for mentioning it. She further went on to say of the site, “Why is it ok for women married to man that think they are lesbians to go and take perfectly good lesbians away from other lesbians?”
I found this an interesting comment.
I didn’t realize that there was a limited supply of lesbians and we needed to ration them for the “real lesbians.” Is “Bi-Sexual Discrimination” the next marginalized group that we need to educate the people in our community (along with the Transgendered.) Do we need a reminder of what the letters in GLBTQIAA stand for?
Let’s all get along people. Really–our fight for equality needs to be united–not further divided. Aren’t the religious right and the Republicans enough to do battle with? Do we have to battle each other as well? Let’s not.
From what I could see on the Ask Joanne support board–there were a lot of women from a lot of different situations who were in need of support. Some of them were married to men and had girlfriends, some were going through a divorce or divorced and working through custody and other ex-husband issues. Some of them were involved with women who were married to men. Some of them may cheat on their taxes or steal their neighbors WiFi–but really–who is anyone else to judge someone who seeks out help and support for their situation?
The commenter also called my “honesty” into question because of my mention of this board and my apparent endorsement of other’s dishonesty.
I believe in truth. Truth is something that I learned was the way to go a long time ago and I have held on to that lesson since I was a young woman. Truth may sometimes cause difficulty and messiness, but it is always the best policy. Lies only add to problems and only are a good idea if someone’s feelings may get hurt, (No, you don’t look fat, that haircut certainly makes you look younger, for sure we’ll get together for lunch, your baby is adorable.)
I don’t believe in infidelity. I believe in honesty and the fact that I was unfaithful to my former husband is something that I will always regret. I can take comfort in the fact that I didn’t engage in this behavior for a long period of time and only did it because I was so confused and needed time to figure things out. I was also honest about my infidelity–I didn’t lie when I was asked about it and was open about my feelings and my situation and where I was. I wish that I would have thought more of myself and had enough self esteem to be able to stand up for what I needed to do and figure out without being unfaithful to promises I made. Regrets are useless except for being able to help us to make better decisions in the future. And I certainly have learned from that situation.
With that said–I still don’t believe in judging another person’s situation or the decisions that they are making. You can not judge what a person does until you have experienced that exact situation–and even then–you shouldn’t judge. We are all just people having our own experiences–sometimes intense experiences–and we deserve to be supported and helped along the way. People need to be empowered to make the best decisions that they can–decisions that aren’t destructive but constructive and healthy for everyone involved.
There are a lot of women who consider themselves bi-sexual and have significant relationships with men or are married but still have relationships with women outside of their primary relationship. This is something between the two people in the relationship and as long as there is open communication and honest–I fail to see how these women are “hiding behind their husbands.”
It is not anyone’s place to hold another person up and judge them for who they are or what they do. There are many more loving ways to promoted positive decisions and behavior and everyone could benefit from learning a few of those ways.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions–and everyone has them–but it’s important to be cautious with words that are insulting and broad and hurtful.
Let’s be kind, shall we?
I’m a live and let live kinda girl so I’m good with that…
As for “Do we need a reminder of what the letters in GLBTQIAA stand for?”
:::shifting her feet::::
Ummm kinda — last I checked we were at Q. LOL
I always find it interesting the people will show up out of the blue to make derogatory comments and almost NEVER leave any kind of a link so that you can respond to them privately. I refer to the troll of the previous post.
Very cowardly, if you ask me.
And I agree with Tina, above. “IAA”? I am not sure what those stand for–”I” for “intersex” maybe (formerly hermaphrodites, I think).
Curious,
GG
Intersex, Asexual, Allies
It’s confusing, I know.
“Everyone is entitled to their opinions–and everyone has them–but it’s important to be cautious with words that are insulting and broad and hurtful…Let’s be kind, shall we?”
Here here to that. Being mean and catty is way over rated, and it certainly doesn’t make anyone prettier. And, you are correct about us turning on ourselves: why make your friends your enemies?! I’ll never understand that.
I didn’t know that there was a shortage of lesbians. Will they start rationing them next?
It’s unfortunate how much judgmental behavior goes on, even within our own social groups, or shall I say especially within…
You lost me at GLBTQIAA . But, I’m all for getting along.
I read the last blog and the comments and I was shocked!! I really can’t stand when people come out of the blue and have nothing nice to say and like everyone else said…doesn’t have the ummm guts to leave any contact info. I couldn’t help but think…if Ask Joanne does what that person claimed…who cares? At least these women have somewhere to turn, somewhere to go for support…what they choose to do with THEIR lives is NONE of our business.
You put your response to such nonsense perfectly! I completely agree with everything you said.
I, thank you, RSG and every other blog and person’s words I’ve read that I identified with who helped me through my journey of personal discovery. I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t have blogs like yours to read that remind me that I’m not alone.
Hi RSG,
Long time reader. Thanks for your funny and kind posts - they’ve been so comforting to me, and entertaining to read.
I would like to put in my two cents about this post. While I absolutely agree that we all need to be kinder to each other, and not attack, particularly through the anonymity of a blog, I don’t agree with the following statement:
“With that said–I still don’t believe in judging another person’s situation or the decisions that they are making. You can not judge what a person does until you have experienced that exact situation–and even then–you shouldn’t judge.”
We shouldn’t attack each other, for sure. But behavior that hurts others is still hurtful - and wrong - whether or not the observer has been through the same experience. I don’t believe it’s wrong to judge that behavior, assuming that we don’t use it as a basis for angry or judgemental responses of our own - but that kind of judgement can serve as an example for all of us as a way NOT to behave. I don’t have to cheat, lie, or hit somebody to know that these are not ethical things to do.
A nitpicky point, maybe, but I think it’s one that needs making.
Thanks for your writing -
Liz
I have known I was a lesbian since I was 12, but if someday George Clooney says he wants to try out an older butch dyke, all you lesbians can kiss my…I am so there for George. Just being ah, straight with you sort to speak.
Another great post, thank you very much. I think I’ve seen just about everything in my stroll through life, and without fail kindness went further and healed hurt faster in every situation.
And the hardest kindness to achieve is kindness to yourself. Lack of that kindness is the shortest pathway to being mean/judgmental/hurtful.
Lurvely!
Hi, I am a poster on AskJoanne. I can tell you the most of the women there are really going through finding themselves and dealing with the issues that arise when they are married to a man and find they are attracted to women. I guess for some lesbians it is hard to understand that not all women automatically know or understand they are attracted to women…but find this out as they mature.
If anyone goes and reads the posts (they are public) they will see women who are really grappling with serious issues and trying to make good decisions. Most women on the board advocate being honest with their respective husbands or partners.
I would encourage people to check it out before casting dispersions.
Yes, bisexual discrimination absolutely needs to be addressed in the alphabet/queer community much more candidly than it seems to be generally. Biphobia is real, it’s destructive, divisive, and silencing, and unfortunately, I find it to be much more pervasive than some folks wish to admit. The opinions expressed behind closed doors in judgmental tones perpetuates an culture of intolerance that is beyond old and tired.
What would I like to say to the Proverbial Masses? I’d say, “Get over it, people. Sexuality may not be either-or. It really might be fluid for some people.
I’m not familiar with the site in question, but broad-stroke reactions about queer women who are married to men are overly simplistic and probably don’t reflect the immense diversity of situations, personalities, and dynamics at play.
/indignant soapbox
Not every loser has a website or the need to have one, but sometimes you just gotta let it be known that things are not ok.
The “lesbians” staying married to men is the a very huge contributer also to homophobia.
Why does a lesbian need a husband?
Why don’t you answer that one if you seem to really have a grasp on things?
How true to one’s self and to one’s kids, and even to one’s husband, is anyone being while they sneak out and have unprotected sex with another woman and get home in time to have more unprotected sex with their husband.
And this isn’t a situation where there’s just a handful. It is RAMPANT.
And shortage of lesbians or not, which i’ve never had an issue. However.
How would you feel if you were madly in love with a woman who was hung up on a married woman?
How would you feel if these women who claim to be lesbians but are married to men started applying for grants that were only for lesbians?
Say you wanted to write a novel and so did some woman who thought it was fine to not think authentically? You both applied for a grant that was specifically for lesbian authors.
She married to a man. Fucking him and having a lesbian to fuck on the side.
She does not live life as an out lesbian, but is known as a woman married to a man. She has a husband and a girlfriend on the side.
She gets the grant. Maybe she’s a better writer than you (not that hard), maybe not.
Do you find this situation to be acceptable?
is it judging to say if you are not living your life as a lesbian you should stay the fuck away from grant contests that are lesbian specific?
Let’s examine why these women stay together with their husbands and lie and decieve and live life like fraudelent whores…
Money? What’s it called when you stay with someone because of money???
the kids?
Hey kids… mommy and daddy love each other! We just scream at each other and mommy cheats because… well she can’t leave because she loves money more than pussy?
How is any of this judging?
What other reasons should an alledged dyke stay married to a man?
How is that good for the husband? the kids? global goodness?
How is it ever good to lie? If you say you’re a dyke yet you are married to a man, you’re pretty much lying to one side? No.
And dear rsg, they go to Ask Joanne, for more than support. The posts are often dripping with teen agnst and it’s basically turned into a hook up spot for wayward wanna be dykes.
People go to gay bars to be around gay people? no?
I personally don’t go to a gay bar to be around women who are still sucking dick to keep the status quo while they are out looking to put those same lips on some lesbian.
How feministic is it? How good for women is it?
Yes, husband, I’m a lesbian.
But he still asks for sex, but he really loves me.
Oh… he’s just a man.
The excuses are worse than the judgements.
You and ask joanne could be setting women back, and back.
But that’s how the husbands like it? So it must be ok.
I’ve never known a lesbian who’s existence relies on anyone with a penis. Not a real lesbian anyway.
“Oh really” why are you so angry? What happened to you? Please refrain from bashing rsg- she is a doll baby. She is an inspiration to so many of us and frankly if she is not writing things that are enjoyable to you I would recommend not reading her glorious blog. P.S. RSG- I was an ask joanne reader for a while during my turbulent times it was extremely comforting to know that others survived this roller coaster. Thanks for all that you do- RSG.
Thank you all for your insight and nice words (to me.)
Oh Really, Just Really– I am so sorry that you have been hurt in whatever way you have been hurt. I hope that you are able to find peace and love in your life and live it beautifully someday. I honestly wish you the very best.
You know when I am full of hostility like that I usually come to realize I seriously need to get laid. Just a thought.
“Regrets are useless except for being able to help us to make better decisions in the future.” Well said. That is so very true. And I strongly second Mossy’s comment!
Wonderful post, as usual, RSG. You are so right.
As a straight girl going through a divorce, you are still so right.
Honesty is the best, and I have been honest about everything, and now it is HIM who is lying. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to say I’m a lesbian yet.
Just Really, I think you should be more concerned about people who use their children as pawns, like my husband (only legally). RSG’s children are just FINE, and mine will be, once I get him away from the game-playing. People are here to live and be happy. Once you figure that out, maybe you will be.
So, What does Oh Really think? that one just can have everything figured out overnight. The AskJoanne website made me feel a little less crazy when I was going through the HARDEST time in my life. Being married and having no idea you are gay, then kissing a woman and having your world turn upside down - it’s hard. You can’t make those kind of life changing decisons overnight, and you need support. Yes, there are women on that site that stay with their husbands for a long long time, while carrying on with their lesbian girlfriends. But when kids are involved, you don’t just leave a marriage because you kissed a girl. It is the hardest (and the easiest) thing I ever did. There is a lot of juvenile bantor there, but there is also meaningful conversation and advice about custody, legal rights, and living authentically. I agree that this Oh Really person has been hurt and we should try to understand. But this AJ website is not to blame for the pain.
L
“Why is it ok for women married to man that think they are lesbians to go and take perfectly good lesbians away from other lesbians?”
Maybe they can have the perfectly bad lesbians?
Hi RSG,
Thanks again for a wonderful, wonderful post!! You totally ROCK!! Sorry you have to deal with people who bash you for voicing your opinion and who lash out at you because they are hurt or angry. However, I’m glad you don’t let it dissuade you from speaking your mind.
I’m also happy to see bisexuality finally being discussed without being thought of as a phase, etc. Thanks Mossie!
Just Really/Oh Really (”Not Really” is a suggestion for your next name - on a different blog - leave my fave blogger alone! grrr),
Get ooooover it already, woman. Move on with your life and forget the person who’s made you this angry/hurt/upset. Seriously, please go find a “good” lesbian who does not want men and who doesn’t identify as bi. You’re here messing up my good blog read.
Merlot
Add A Comment