06
Pregnant Father, Part III
Posted under Everyday ramble, GLBTQ issues by Recovering Straight GirlSince I blogged Part I and II of this long-broken up post I have visited a couple of news and other blogs that have covered the story. What I found was that commenters on the the US sites were quick to say horrible and awful things about this couple and their decisions and also quick to point out that he is not a man but a woman and also suggesting that the entire thing is a publicity stunt.
There also has been a lot of ignorance around the subject and it seems that a lot of people have some very definite and strong opinions–but mostly they are ignorant. Websites from other countries were much more accepting and much less judgmental. What does this say? I think it says a lot of how backwards that so many people are here in the US, and how difficult that reality is to deal with.
Since the couple’s appearance on Oprah last week, mainstream media has covered responses, audience members who were present at the Oprah taping were found saying horrendous things in the on-line forum and today in my Sunday Oregonian there was an editorial stating he was a “freak” and referring to him as a her. How disappointing.
I find all of this incredulous and so incredibly disrespectful. Just because someone is different–doesn’t make them a freak. Just because someone chooses to live life differently–doesn’t make them abnormal in any way.
Abnormal is normal. That’s just a fact.
A lot of people visit this site, and I feel blessed that I am able to use this blog not only for my own selfish purposes but to also use it for good and to pass on some positive spins on particular subjects that I may or may not know a little something about. (And also to have the ability to write incredibly long run-on sentences without apology.)
I hope there are some lessons to be learned here: First off, if someone refers to themselves as a particular gender–it is disrespectful to refer to them as the other gender. I wouldn’t like someone referring to me as a guy. I don’t even like be called “guys” in a group setting. I’m not a guy, I’m a woman and that is how I identify. I expect others to offer me at least that. It’s like being called the wrong name. My name is Kathryn. If someone calls me Kathy–I correct them. I don’t appreciate being called Kathy because that is not my name. Get it?
Second. Organs don’t define Gender Identity. They can define biological identity–but not Gender Identity. That is up to the individual to decide.
Thomas Beattie having a uterus doesn’t make him any less of a man than me not having a uterus makes me less of a woman.
I lose my breasts to cancer and my uterus and ovaries to fibroids? I’m still a woman. My organs don’t define my gender identity.
I hope everyone can take at least the two points I have mentioned here and stand up for them. If it comes up at work or school–be respectful, refer to Thomas Beattie in the gender pronoun that he identifies with, not what you might ignorantly think. Hell, my 13 year-old-daughter knows this–but 40 year-olds can’t wrap their brain around it. It’s time to start wrapping.
Imagine if you lost organs that identified you as male or female. If you were a woman who lost her reproductive organs, would you like being called an “it” or a “shim” or some other derogatory description? How would it be if we identified peoples gender based solely on their organs or their ability to produce.
Because really, it’s simple. It’s about being respectful to other human beings. Everyone take a turn. See what happens.
I saw the Oprah show myself. I think they seem like a loving couple, normal in their relationship. I do think we need to be sensitive. However, I am not at all surprised that people do not know how to wrap their brain around this. The world, like it or not, does put people into boxes. And I find it so interesting that she could take some testosterone to where she grows a beard and her clitoris enlarges like a small penis, then could legally get married to the woman she loves… is this not a further stretch than gay people getting married? I mean, why does that suddenly change her sex to male I ask?
And I do worry about this couple and what the face. I do wish them the best, but they will face more prejudice than I can imagine. and… not that I’m judging them, but the comment that he said about how he always knew he might want to bear a child so he did not have any surgery on his sex organs… seems a little like confusion to me. I do, I guess, buy into the idea that women bear children, not men. Maybe this is changing. I do not think the rest of the world will be able to wrap their brains around this idea for quite some time, but I hope they have a happy well adjusted child. I will continue to watch this fascinating story, and continue the discussion. Interesting topic RSG!
Lori
I think you made a fantastic point. You’re right; if a woman has a hysterectomy, she is not any less of a woman. I understand why this story is controversial, but the ignorant people in this world - and in our very own country! - are turning this couple’s spectacular miracle of bringing an innocent life into this world into a circus-freak expo. I did not get a chance to see the Oprah episode, but I plan to search for it online. If only more aware, open-minded individuals like yourself were talking about this, maybe people would be more likely to understand and less likely to criticize. Maybe.
My daughter and I were just at lunch, and a table full of ignorants next to us proceeded to tear this couple apart verbally for close to twenty minutes. It was incredibly rude, and they were misinformed on several points. I am making an effort lately to keep my mouth shut (ha!!) and didn’t say anything. (Very un-Wacky Mommy-like. Sigh. But really — my kids are so tired of me bitching out perfect strangers and jumping into the fray.)
Then they all started in with assumptions about a religious faith — which happened to be ours — and my daughter thought this was hilarious.
So she yelled, “Hey, Mom! They’re talking about Unitarians! That’s us!” (We were lunching after Sunday School.) (Sunday School WHERE I AM A TEACHER, THANK YOU. I know a bit about our faith.)
One of the women was claiming, “A big branch of Unitarian Universalists think you should have sex with anyone and everyone.” Another person at the table jumped in with, “That is just wrong!” followed by, “They are confused!”
(Me, in my mind: “No, you are, IDIOTS. Where did you get this from?”) Well, I didn’t think it was as hilarious as my 8-year-old thought it was, but I did think it was funny when she shouted out at them. Gets the attitude from mommy, I guess.
You write so beautifully , I feel just as you do the world at large just needs to let these people and others they may not agree with alone. Let us love who we love as we see fit.
Also I hope school is going well for you and you keep that 4.0, you know you have set the bar and now you have to reach it all the time!!
Word.
(Makes mental note to check out Unitarian Church)
The only thing I take issue with is your statement that gender identity can be decided. The folks I know didn’t decide their identity, it just was what it was and the decision was how to live with that identity.
Your larger points are well worth repeating. Thanks for putting it out there so eloquently.
One of the things that I have learned about dealing with the press is that they will print what they think will sell, they will not bend the truth, they will just ignore the facts. The press might have interviewed tens of people for their reaction to the Oprah show but only used those that illustrate the editor’s views.
An activist friend told me one time, why argue with someone who you have no hope in persuading when you can persuade ten other people who are willing to listen. Go for the moveable middle rather than the lunatic fringe.
There was an article in the Arizona Daily Star about the IFGE (International Foundation for Gender Education) Conference in Tucson last week and most of the comments about the article and the convention were negative, but not all. A few got it. I liked one comment in particular…
6. Comment by Ray G. (ezbngreen) — April 6,2008 @ 8:13AM
My wife volunteered at the conference twice. You know, she gave out brochures for the Desert Museum and directions to Mexican restaurants. We both went to the town hall on Saturday at the conference. We came away with the simple knowledge that people are people. Sure, we all have differences but we’re all people. It’s like young Scout Finch tells us in “To Kill a Mockingbird”. “I think there’s just one kind of folks. Folks.”
Today I am going to a college over in the eastern part of Connecticut to talk to a group of students who want to help pass a gender inclusive anti-discrimination law here in Connecticut. We change people attitudes one person at a time.
I hope you realize what a great service you are providing to us with your Blog.
More than once you have tackled sensitive situations with grace, open-mindedness, and common sense, in a very rational voice.
I appreciate the fact that you are able to express not only what you are feeling, but what others of us are feeling.
You inspire people. More than you know.
I so love this topic. I love it when something comes along that tears apart all those certainties we grew up with.
Couple thoughts… First, I need to agree with Corgimom in taking umbrage with the idea that a person has a choice as far as their gender identity goes (and not just because I get to use the word “umbrage” in doing so).
I don’t think a person really chooses either their sex or their gender (though hormones and surgery can certainly alter the former). Rather, they discover what was there all along.
Second thought (my quota for the week)… Folks need to be just as understanding of the people having a hard time with this whole situation as those ignorant masses need to be with the couple in this situation.
As much as any of us wants to pretend otherwise, it’s a fucked up situation. Not “fucked up” as in “they’re an abomination before God and we need to smite them all,” but “fucked up” as in “a peculiar and odd situation that’s so clearly out of the norm that people will be obviously curious and confused by the whole deal.”
This challenges one of the first basic “truths” most people learn: boys are boys and girls are girls and there’s no gray area. When something like this happens so publicly, it throws a big ol’ kink in people’s reality. It’s like the whole world was given The Red Pill (sans Keanu).
So I guess my long, rambling point is that A) we need to understand that people will be confused by this pregancy and B) we need to make sure to educate, not belittle, the people who’re slightly less than open to it.
And keep in mind that there will be people on both sides who’ll fanatically defend their point without giving any thought to other opinions. No use arguing with them or getting huffy over their reactions.
I’m guilty of calling everyone guys. And I long to call you Kat. LONG. But I will not. And thank you for correcting me the other day when I used the incorrect pronoun when we were discussing this family. And then for hugging me when I said I was still learning all this stuff.
Does anyone here know how lucky I am to have the RSG as a friend?!? Do I? I hope so.
I read this yesterday and then again today and I just wanna say this one thing.
RSG, you rock. I love coming here because I learn so much. You are a fabulous writer.
Peace.
Melissa - Me, too (on the “you guys” thing).
That’s one of the annoying things about our language: the lack of a plural “you.” I suppose we’re technically supposed to just use “you” for both the singular and the plural, but that’s just stoopid.
I want something like the Spanish ‘ustedes.’ Until then, we’re pretty much stuck with “you guys/gals” (both of which piss off mixed company) and “y’all,”which makes you sound like a potard.
Except one from the south.
A soutard? What’s the right word? Can I get a ruling on this one?
Sorry to get all grammary in your comments, RSG.
Oh feel free to discuss as you like. My Blog is Your Blog. (Okay, not really, but that sounded like a nice thing to say.) Oh, and I think that y’all is a perfectly acceptable thing to say, even if you’re not a southerner (or a potard.)
Amen.
You’re right, and I just hate all the media coverage of this. I figure someday they’ll cop on that there is no real need to legally define people by gender and perhaps all this crap will go away. To be replaced promptly with other crap, but hey, variety/spice of life and all that.
Jacq
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