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Pregnant Father, Part II
Posted under GLBTQ issues by Recovering Straight GirlLegal Definitions.
The gentleman and his wife that I wrote about in my previous post, Pregnant Father, is a Female to Male transgender, legally a man and legally married to a woman.
This brings up some very interesting issues about legalities and sexual identity, I believe somewhat simplifying the entire issue to its most basic sense.
This story is about two people who wish to love each other, and want to be legally committed and have a family.
If Thomas Beatie had remained biologically female, he would not be able to legally wed his partner. If he had remained biologically female, his partner would need to go through the legal ropes to adopt her own child. This is what others in the gay and lesbian community face daily.
If I, as a woman, became pregnant using donor sperm and had a male partner, my male partner would be listed as the babies father on the birth certificate. No one would ever think to question our legal status as a couple, my male partner would not need to apply to adopt the child, we would not be forced to undergo evaluations or home visits and we would not be forced to show any documents that proved we were our child’s parents.
This would not be the case if HG and I decided to have a baby.
If I had a male partner and we needed to take one of the DD’s to the hospital, no one would ask us, “Which one of you is the child’s parent?”
That would not be the case if HG and I needed to take one of the DD’s to the hospital.
If I had a boyfriend of two weeks and I was in an accident, no one in the hospital would ask my boyfriend of two weeks the nature of his relationship with me.
That would not be the case with HG and me.
This all stems from the imperialistic privilege that heterosexuals have attained in regards to marriage rights in this country.
Pretty much, any heterosexual couple could say that they were married and no one would question it. They could file joint tax returns, be the beneficiary on each others benefits, have inheritance rights, death benefits, social security benefits and NO one would ever question it.
I was married for ten years and the only time I ever showed my marriage certificate was when I changed my name on my social security card. If I hadn’t changed my name, I never would have needed it and never would have shown it to anyone. As a matter of fact, my BFF neighbor Judy doesn’t think she even HAS a marriage certificate. Maybe she’s not even legally married. Does that change anything for her and the status of her relationship? Not at all. This comes with assumptions that heterosexuals automatically receive. Heterosexuals are privileged this way–and that is just a fact.
I asked a few posts back, Is Marriage a Right or a Privilege? I think the answer is pretty damn clear and until we do away with the privilege that heterosexuals automatically receive we will not have equality. Domestic Partnerships are not equality, Civil Unions are not equality–the entire system needs to be re-looked at and looked at in its most basic sense.
Two people who love each other and want to be legally committed and have a family.
Two people.
Two people.
Penis, vagina, testes, uterus, prostate, ovaries, breasts, testosterone, estrogen.
Do these things make a person a person?
And why then would it be possible for me to legally marry HG if I identified as male?
Why do these parts define who we can legally be committed to?
It’s not basic, and it doesn’t make sense.
Wrap your brain around that for a little while.
Hell, I don’t think I can wrap my head around that. Seriously. Maybe I should have a glass of pinot or something first. Maybe a few glasses…
Look, I know it’s not popular within this debate to challenge the notion of two people, but if we’re going to challenge the marriage/civil union/domestic partnership divide (and clearly a DP and CU are NOT the “same” as marriage, in part as evidenced in New Jersey over the past year) . . . I find it curious that the basic assumption of marriage rights be limited to two people is sustained.
I know, I know. If we willingly open the discussion to commitments between more-than-two, we feed the fire of those who say that gay marriage will invite incest, bestiality, and (gasp!) polygamy/polyandry.
I get it, I do. What I don’t get is government meddling in the private lives of people, of making private contracts (aka marriage) public entities with public obligations and benefits attached.
Okay, devil’s advocate will now step down.
Thanks, as always, for your post(s).
RSG… you have made some excellent points. And if more people would just realize the it is just about 2 people making a commitment to each other, perhaps they could see past the ridiculous prejudices that they seem to desperately need to hold onto.
It’s annoying, frustrating and down-right ugly the crap that we have to ’swallow’ when hearing the arguments against marraige equality.
I really hope that things change and soon. Not just for gay people, but for the entire country, so that we can get REAL decisions and concerns that we should be worried about - like child abuse, crime rates and gun control, to name a few.
You know, I read and re-read that story and I am really stuck for something to say. For once I did not think anything, just took it all in and drew a big blank. I don’t have an opinion on it at all.
Everyone should have the right to enjoy the priviledge to marry who they love.This has been a big discussion in our family.My brother in law is marrying a wonderfull black woman.Yet he doesnt want to invite his cousin because she is a lesbian,and my mother in law and I got to talking about this and the comment I made was if anyone should understand this it would be bil you cant help who you love,and he is very offended when people question his right to marry a “person of color”.I still say you cannot help who you love and should be able to marry the person of your choice.
instead of enjoy it should be have or whatever the correct wording is its 1 am and pain medicine is working hmmmmmmmmm note to self comment before taking said medication
I agree 150% that you should have the same rights as me, a straight, married woman.
However, I’m not sure how “doing away with” my privileges is going to improve your chances at equality.
If I thought for a second that giving up my privilege of having people assume I was married to my husband would help your cause, I would do that in a heartbeat. But lets face it, in this fucked up world that is never going to happen. Asking a society filled with so many bigots to lower their level of privileges to even the playing field is a very lofty goal. They are after all, bigots.
I don’t know what the answer is. I wish we could speed up the process of acceptance so that as Val said we could worry about the things that are really plaguing our society.
I have to say, I admire your courage. To give up a life that is accepted and step into one that is viewed by so many as evil is an extraordinary thing.
To be honest I am not even trying to get my head round this couple having a child - because I dont need to. They are not hurting anyone or anything indeed the opposite is true ~ they are doing this out of love. All I need to know is that they are both informed consenting adults, therefore they have my best wishes. I would like to have a better personal understanding of it but this is for my own personal development.
Lots of different folks “know” they have a “duty” to dictate to others. Usually you find that these folks don’t want to interfere really but they “need” to so as to “stop bad things”. Needless to say every possible action has a person who “knows” that it is “bad”.
I am outraged and appalled about the way this couple has been treated, just like I am outraged at the whole history of discrimination and bigotry.
Seems you have a steady audience RSG so keep fighting for everyone to have respect, dignity, freedom and ALL of the human rights that some folks think should be restricted.
It just shouldn’t matter. Period.
“If I, as a woman, became pregnant using donor sperm and had a male partner, my male partner would be listed as the babies father on the birth certificate. No one would ever think to question our legal status as a couple, my male partner would not need to apply to adopt the child, we would not be forced to undergo evaluations or home visits and we would not be forced to show any documents that proved we were our child’s parents.
This would not be the case if HG and I decided to have a baby.”
If you had that baby in Oregon, though, you’d be okay—because you two are domesticated. The state Department of Human Services just clarified this issue, and HG would land on the birth certificate if you had a baby thanks to automatic parental rights for domestic partners. (This is one of my favorite ‘new rights.’)
Of course, step outside of Oregon… you couldn’t do that in many other places, and it’s unclear if your Oregon parental rights would even be strong across state lines.
“This would not be the case if HG and I decided to have a baby.”
I am delighted to say this is not the case in CT. My partner carried our child. Whe the registrar at the hospital came with the forms I was ready to fight. “Oh” says she “same sex couple?” Pulls out a different form which was changed only to say parent 1 and parent 2. And so the BC reads. TG is parent 1 and I am parent 2…no second adoption necessary
As always, you all have thoughtful responses.
Amy is correct (because she is a brilliant journalist) and for these DP rights I am grateful. However it is hard to feel settled about having those DP rights when people and groups are continuing to try to take them away.
The DP rights that we recently received doesn’t change the inherent privileges that are afforded to heterosexual couples simply because they are a man and a woman.
I am not suggesting “taking away” heterosexual’s rights, I’m suggesting that the entire system be re-looked at. The fact is that a man and a woman can SAY that they’re married and received over 1,000 rights and no one will question them, where as GLBTQ people have to practically carry around with them documents to prove their relationship. This is the lack of equity. Well, one of them.
Hey RSG,
I am in Portland too, and just put a shout out to your post on my blog. http://softlydreaming.com/blog/
I love your blog and writing style.
YOU ROCK!
Blogroll?
Im a little late to the party on this but I have a quote………
“Most of the harm in the world is done by good people, and not by accident, lapse, or omission. It is the result of their deliberate actions, long persevered in, which they hold to be motivated by high ideals toward virtuous ends.” Isabel Paterson, The God of the Machine
“This all stems from the imperialistic privilege that heterosexuals have attained in regards to marriage rights in this country.”
And much like the Ottomans, we will crumble.
Did you see that you were ahead of Oprah???
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