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Ask RSG, (again)
Posted under Ask RSG, Lesbian Issues, Mothering by Recovering Straight GirlYou all did such a great job helping out Sarah and her girlfriend M. on the previous post, I thought I’d share another question that I received this morning from Jessica, another RSG:
I have a question that I hope you can help me with. I too am a RSG, I’m 33, I’ve been “straight” all my life. I’m in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman and I could never be happier. However, I’ve yet to tell my Mother and I have a 12 yr. old daughter and I’m not sure how to handle things with her. After reading your “About RSG” and seeing that you have a 12 yr. old and you have ALL girls, I would like to know how you handled the situation, and how you came out to your mother. Thanks!
Jessica,
Coming out to my parents was the easiest part of my entire experience. I think that it was harder for me to come out to some of my friends than it was to my family (children included.)
I told my mother right away; in fact she was the first person I told. She was much more concerned about my impending divorce than she was my sexual orientation; to her, she liked things copasetic, not the messiness that a divorce would cause. My mother has never had an issue with me being a lesbian, and was thrilled when I met and fell in love with HG.
The relationship that I was in during my divorce was not one that I was open about to my daughters. To them, she and I were friends, and had been friends for a long time, they never asked me about it, and I didn’t want to complicate their lives by putting that knowledge out there. In retrospect, it was a very good decision. It was an adult matter that the children did not need to be involved in. That relationship ended prior to my meeting HG.
I didn’t come out to my daughters until I was dating HG. It was over a year after my divorce and one day I just mentioned to them in passing, “I think that I would like to start dating someone, do you have a problem with that?” They said no, that they didn’t. Then I said, “Would you have a problem if the person I wanted to date was a woman?” DD#1, looked at me, and said, “No Mom, what difference does it make?”
I frequently checked in with them, and when HG and I began to be serious, I checked in with them some more. We have very open conversations and I always attempted to ask them open ended questions that gave them the opportunity to express their feelings. They have never expressed to me any issue whatsoever, even as DD#1 has entered middle school, which was something I was concerned with.
After my initial “coming out” time and after I figured out a few things, (like the fact that I was a big ole lesbian,) I never felt a need to proclaim my sexuality to anyone else in my life.
Acquaintances, neighbors, even some friends, and my extended family. If I had gotten a divorce and started dating a man, I wouldn’t be calling up my grandmother and saying, “Hey, Grandma, guess what? I’m fucking this new guy I met, isn’t that great?” So why would I call her up and say, “Hey Grandma, guess what? I’m fucking a new girl I met, isn’t that great?”
Here is where I am coming from. Being a lesbian, dating someone of the same sex is not BAD. Why do you need to make apologies? Why can’t you just mention to your mother, “Mom, I have someone new in my life that I really care about, we get along great, we have fun together, I’m completely happy, and her name is Jane.”
Perhaps this is too idealistic, but I feel like if everyone just normalized the fact that the gender of the person you love is not significant, we would have a lot less problems. I seriously doubt that most people would call up their mother and say, “Mom, I have something serious to tell you. I’ve been dating someone. I don’t want you to freak out, but he’s Jewish.” (As I wrote this I realized that there are probably people who would do this, and that’s sad.)
You certainly need to do what is most comfortable for you, but I fail to see the need to have a big drawn out drama of a coming out to your mother. You’re 33 years old for God’s sake, you’re a grown woman, you certainly don’t need your mother’s permission or even approval to live your life the way you see fit.
Now, about your 12 year old daughter.
12 year old girls are just brinking on their own sexuality journey, which makes this a bit of a tedious time to be discussing your own sexuality with her. 12 year old girls know a thing or two about sex and they really don’t want to be thinking about their own mother having sex (with anyone.)
With that said, I would start talking to her NOW. I would be honest and open without going into too much detail that may freak her out.
If she knows the woman you are involved with and likes her, I would start there. Say something like, “Honey, you know that Jane and I spend a lot of time together. Well, I have begun to have very special feelings for her and care about her very much. She is someone that means a lot to me and I want to have a relationship with her and everything that goes with that.” Allow her to talk and express her feelings. Be sure to present it as normal, explain it as you would any relationship.
You don’t mention if her father is in the picture and what, if any homophobia has been presented to her in her life.
Key points:
- Buy her a book on sex and sexuality written for pre-teens. There are many good ones which present homosexuality in normal terms.
- Explain to her that your being a lesbian does not make her a lesbian, and that her sexuality is something for her to figure out as she grows older. Explain that sexuality is something that is fluid and may change over a person’s lifetime. Explain that there is nothing wrong with being gay, no matter what negative things have been said. (Just like there is nothing wrong with being Asian, or a person of color, or a Muslim, or a Republican.)
- I recommend the book, “How it Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent,”. It is actually written by children of different ages and their experiences; almost all of the children were born into heterosexual families.
- PREPARE her for prejudices that may (or may not) occur so that she isn’t shocked if and when it happens.
- Giver her time to process, and keep talking about it.
Your daughter may feel threatened simply because you’re in a relationship with someone new, kids get like that. She may have issues that have nothing to do with who you are with, but just because you are with some one. You don’t mention how long this relationship has been going on, or how long you were single prior to it’s beginning.
I think what I have learned through my time as a mother in the simplest terms is this; If you don’t make a big deal out of things, generally kids don’t either. If you make something seem awful and looming and bad, your kid will feel the same way about it. If you’re stressed out about something, your kid will be stressed out about it. They feed off of you and HOW you present something is much more important that WHAT you are presenting.
I wish you the best in your relationship, your process of discovery and in everything else.
Love,
RSG
You give excellent advice RSG! Your daughters are so lucky to have a Mom who is so cognizant of their feelings.
I had a talk with my 3 y/o about whether it is okay for boys to wear lipgloss. I realize she’s only three and didn’t want to get into to much with her but I did want to impart that we should not be so quick to “label” and if a boy wanted to wear lipgloss, well it’s really not that big of a deal. *sigh* Whoever said motherhood is for wimps?
I couldn’t agree more with taking the attitude of normalcy.
When my son was small (in the early 90’s) we never advertised or made a big deal out of our relationship. we met other parents on the soccer field or at school functions and simply let them come to their own conclusions. we had sleep overs and play dates and we shared rides and drank backyard beers (well us …not the kids - which is sorta reversed now, but thats another story).
Its a little off topic - but the point is, the more normal you are about it, the more everyone else will be too. Including your family.
Let’s help everyone to stop thinking of gender as the big deal.
What is a big deal is finding someone you love, who loves you, who you can share your life with. really - thats huge.
Wonderful response - thanks for this:)
WOW, Wow is for wonderful, your are simply wonderful and I’m greatfull to have you as a blog buddy. Thank you RSG. your the best!
RSG, thank you so much for your input.
My Mother and my Daughter have met “B”. Right now, everyone assumes we are friends and that’s that. My Daughter and B talk on the phone frequently and get along wonderfully, as a matter of fact, last night my daughter was asking for advice about boys and I was on the phone with B and my daughter said “I have my Mother and a second Mother to give me advice.” Then she turned around and said that neither one of us should have a problem finding boyfriends. Which we both laughed at. Anyway, coming out to my Mom shouldn’t be a HUGE issue, however, at the moment my Daughter and I are living with her while I finish school. My Mother, besides my Daughter and B, is the most important person in my life. I know it should be really easy for me to say, “Mom, B and I are dating.”, but the words just won’t fall from my lips. My daughter is visiting with her father this weekend, I really really want to talk to my Mom. Funny thing is, I’ll probably tell her and she’ll tell me she knows…
I love your blog, I love your advice, I appreciate your input very much.
The advice given here is wonderful. As someone who did it all back- asswards, I can say if I was given this advice four years ago, it would have probably all worked out better at the time.
Keep things simple, honest, open and loving with your children. Give them time to think and time to talk, and sometimes time to vent (without reacting right away - because it can hurt).
As for my Mom - telling her was very difficult. She thought the world revolved around my X and didn’t understand why I just didn’t stick it out (that is what she did). Don’t make the mistake I did and wait too long, and she found out from someone else (rumors have it). It was much harder that way - and with 20/20 hindsight, I would have just told her from the beginning. We had a lot to work through and she didn’t understand all of it, but now all is okay and she is very supportive of me and my partner.
As for the rest of the world, I agree - we don’t need to take out a billboard - we just need to be who we are, living life as best we can, one day at a time.
First, great advice, RSG! I do think coming out IS easier when you are older, have been on your own, and it’s less likely that you worry about people trying to tell you what to do or how to be, as they like to do when you are younger. I was nearly 45 when I told my mom. I had separated from an alcoholic husband. I had met G., and wanted to share my happiness with my mom, who lived 1500 miles away, so I called her:
Me: “Mom, I’ve met someone and I’m very happy.”
Mom: “Well, L…who is he?”
Me: “Uh, mom, it’s not a “HE”.”
Mom: “Well…L…..oh my.”
We then talked for a little bit about G, the relationship, and if I was really happy. I assured her I was, then she said,
“Well, you’re 45 and I’m 70, what am I going to do, run out in the street and shoot myself? If you’re happy, I’m happy!” (I swear, she actually said that!)
A couple of years later, G was able to go with me and meet my mom twice, who immediately adored her. It was my greatest joy before my mom passed in 2006 for her to know that I was in a deep, true, loving relationship with the right PERSON.
As for my daughter, she was out on her own, expecting her 2nd child, and when I told her G. and I were seeing each other, she was like, “Duh, mom.”
In fact, when I came out , the whole WORLD was like, “Duh, L.!” So, don’t let what others might think of you stop you from being who you are. You will find the right words, and the right way, and the right time to tell everyone you need to tell.
Good luck!
GG (aka L)
My son is the same way– “what difference does it make”– so it’s never been an issue with him. I’m relaxed about it and my family is therefore relaxed about it, including my extended family, e.g. aunts, uncles, cousins. It’s a non-issue.
Excellent response, RSG. Maybe you should reconsider your profession?
This is such a great topic. when i came out to my daughter, she was 12 and she told me no big deal. I do agree that kids take their lead from us and if we aproach the realtionships as normal so do they. Good luck
I’m sorry honey, but I draw the line at Republicans!
(Or as they are known in Oz, Liberals.)
When my wife and I started living together my mum, who had no problem with our relationship except for the fact that my wife is 10 years younger than me, ‘broke the news’ to her aunt.
‘I know,’ replied my great aunt, ‘I’m not blind!’
“…or a Republican.” Still laughing. Thanks RSG. I love reading your blog. Thanks for this. It was GREAT plus it provided a good little laugh from this democratic girl.
:) 
Have a great weekend!
LOVE your advise! Can I send you my “Dear RSG” story?
(You should make money off of this somehow!)
Your advice is great. I love the part about telling granny who you’re latest fuck is. You’re right; no one does that so why do we have to bring up the sexual aspects of our relationships? We don’t. Thanks for reminding us of that.
Great advice RSG…I agree 100%, I have always been open with my 7 kids, and they have dealt with people discriminating, but they do NOt have a problem with me and my girlfriend. The younger one’s know no different because they were 1 when I met B, and we have lived together since. I don’t hide it from anyone, but I also don’t go telling every one, but it is
amazing at some of the stories people tell about us around town.LOL
I think we should all do what makes us happy in life, and not let anyone else ruin our happiness..
I was trying to leave a comment last week to let you know that I told my mom about dating B. She knew. She asked me if I thought she was stupid. She voiced her concerns for my child. I told her that I though DD would be fine. I also sent her, in an email, the advice you gave me. She never wrote back or commented. I didn’t tell you that while I’m finishing school to become a Dental Hygienist I live with my Mom. Anyway, Mom was out of sorts for a couple days. Which made me wonder, if she knew, why act weird about it now? I think she was more upset that I didn’t tell her sooner. Things are back to normal now, but no questions have been asked and nothing more has been said about it.
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