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Ask RSG
Posted under Ask RSG, Lesbian Issues by Recovering Straight GirlRecently I received a comment from a young woman named Sarah. Sarah explained to me that she is a 21 year old college student, stating, “I’m straight…and have dated guys all my life.”
Recently she ended a two year relationship with a man, which fell apart due to an issue of the distance between them. Sarah says that she is still in love with the boyfriend, despite the fact that he is now dating someone else.
Sarah’s problem is this:
“A little over a month ago, I met a gay girl through one of my friends and immediately I thought she was funny and nice. We both stayed in my friend’s room that night and we kinda hit it off. She was very open about how she felt towards me and although I emphasized that I was straight, she didn’t mind, and I felt myself oddly attracted to her. We’ve been talking ever since then, and I’ve tried to be more open with my thoughts on a relationship. She’s very much in love with me, and i DO love her…I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with and accepting all of this when I’m not interested or attracted to any other girls, so I know I’m straight (or bi at this point…) but, I want to know if I’m most likely wasting my time in a whim of a relationship that I may not allow to last, or if over time I can overcome my past ideals and societies acceptance, and be happy living my life with her? I’m not sure what to do or think about this and am seeking some help and advice from other girls…straight, bi, or gay…that can help me out at all.
I’ve formed quite a friendship and love for this girl, and don’t want to be tricking her or myself and hurt her in the long run. I look forward to hearing from you.”
First a disclaimer.
I am not a therapist, but I do apparently play one of the Internet. My answer is my opinion only and should not be construed as medical or psychological advice!
Dear Sarah,
You’re issue is one that is utterly timeless in the drama that is lesbian relationship. Whether you are the lesbian or the virgin straight girl, the tale has been told, and re-told a hundred times over. You, my dear, are the centerstone of lesbian myth, fear, and (occasionally,) happy ever after.
Honey, you keep saying that you’re straight, but you’re interested in another woman.
You’re not straight.
You can identify as however you wish, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are somehow immune to the grasps of sexual fluidity, as very few people are. Whether you feel more comfortable identifying as bi, or queer, or hetero-flexible, feel free, but please don’t stand up with such vehemence professing your heterosexuality while at the same time feeling confused about a homosexuality tendency. It does little but make it seem as though being gay is BAD.
It is not.
Less important than your adjustment to what you’re used to and the need to balk at societal norms, you should be measuring this potential relationship as you would any relationship, despite the fact that the person you are in relationship with happens to be a woman.
There is no guarantee in any relationship; straight, gay, bi, polyamorous, whatever it is, there are never solid answers to how it will turn out. I believe that you are using the uncertainty of the outcome of the relationship to hide behind what appears to be a bit of homophobia on your part. Your 21, you’ve never considered a lesbian relationship for yourself before, of course it’s confusing! You’re entitled to be confused, but try to see your confusion through a real lens and not one that society has created for you, not one that your past relationships created for you, not one that your own prejudices have created for you.
Stand back a moment and look at this woman who cares for you, and ponder your feelings for her. You state that you love her, what type of love is that? Are you sexually attracted to her? Have you had a physical relationship? If you answer yes to the last two questions, I would say that you’ve pretty much answered your own question.
I think that it’s very good of you to be concerned about hurting your (girl)friend; many a lesbian hearts have been broken by the rogue bi-curious cupcake.
But fear not, if she’s been around the block or two, she knows what she’s getting herself into. If she hasn’t, well, I guess it’s about time she learns what her “big girl pants” are for and has her heart braced for what any veteran lesbian would look at as sure disaster.
You said that you’ve been looking all over the internet for advice; this is a natural reaction. I believe that you should stop looking for outside validation and start looking inside your heart.
Best of luck!
RSG
Well, this question and your reply certainly bring up questions for me. I love that you have the ask RSG thing by the way. Good work!
I had a “moment” like that in college. Wish I had followed it through, it might have saved me nearly 30 years of messiness. On the other hand, who knows? At least now I can say my life has brought me to exactly where I need to be.
I hope this girl just stays true to her heart, and she won’t go wrong.
Best,
GG
nice answer… ever consider taking course in school to be a counselor and/or psychologist? you seem to have a knack. i know in all that we have gone through as a family, finding a great counselor was difficult - one that can deal with a late in life lesbian was the biggest hurdle!
Well said Chickadee. Impressive response as usual. You are the LIL guru
Nicely done, RSG. I especially appreciate your point that no matter your sexuality, relationships are not for the faint of heart.
Very good answer! I hope she can come to terms with herself and maybe allow herself to be more free… she might discover things that will really change her life, and that is a good thing at 21! I wish I did it at that time… oh well….
o_O
wow.
gee … gosh …. RSG, you handled this one pretty good. my response would have been more like, “uhhhh, i don’t know. But go to this site, recoveringstraightgirl.com, and ask her.”
i kinda like how the younger generations of today are feeling more comfortable in exploring different sexual avenues. a wee bit diff from when i was 21. no … wait … i came out when i was 21. okay, i’m a bad example for that age.
i find the situation interesting. she states she’s dated guys all her life and always considered herself straight. then, along comes this lesbian and now she has found herself in a quandary.
of course, i love your “rogue bi-curious cupcake” description. i’ve seen a few people (one being my ex) get their hearts crushed by these types.
anyway (master piggy’s fave word), how this all came about for her is not all that unusual (at least in my world). when some women find out i’m bi-sexual, suddenly they feel comfortable in expressing how they have had attraction for other women but never really admitted to it. i find myself as sort of a catalyst for these women. whether or not they pursue a relationship, fantasy, or whatever with another woman is not all that important. the important point is they have brought to light what had been dormant, just as it has for this young lady.
she has a challenge ahead of her. not only is she rethinking her life, but she has another soul involved. i can only pray for strength of spirit for her to be able to handle it all.
my g-d, was any of that coherent? *shakes head* maybe i’ll just blog on it.
yeah, yeah … that’s what i’ll do.
*goes off to her blog for a post for tomorrow*
First off, thank you.
You are amazingly articulate and accurate which I appreciate more than you know at 21 years old. I have fessed up to my (gulp…) GIRLFRIEND (we’ll call her M from now on), and told her what I’d done…looking for advice online and finding this amazingly smart and open woman who maybe came from a situation similar enough to mine to help me out.
M replied with, “Well, you’re obviously not going to listen to what I’m telling you about this, so I’m glad you found someone to tell you”. She’s so right.
The thing is…I met her at the end of November and by the end of December, was allowing myself to “commit” to a relationship with her. Now, in the end of January, I really do love her.
That’s why right now I’m more scared than I was the first night I lay trembling beside her as she leaned over me, looked at me with her beautifully intriguing eyes, and got the outrageously sexy courage to lean down and kiss me. I was completely overwhelmed, more scared than I’ve been in a long time, yet very calm and fulfilled with excitement.
But now, deciding whether to completely let down my monumental guard and love her fully or hold back and tell myself it’s not real, or not “right” has me scared out of my mind. I think at this point, with what I know and feel in my heart and mind, I can openly say I love her.
What comes now is how do I deal with this as a continual relationship? I’m completing undergraduate, getting ready to go on to graduate school, and will want a committed life-long companion soon and a family not too long thereafter. Slowly but surely my love for my ex-boyfriend who I “knew” was exactly what I wanted in life is fading, taking along with it my ideal marriage and life for my future. Part of me hurts as that goes away, but honestly I feel that if I would have spent my life with a man I wanted it to be him. Obviously he wasn’t the right man for me. Maybe a man is not what’s right for me at all.
So far, M has been absolutely amazing to me. She knows what she’s gotten herself into, yet continually stays around and emphasizes the fact that she knows at any point I may get out of this, but that she can’t see herself avoiding being with me because of the chance of hurt. I look up to her, I love her, and she honestly has changed my life. Definitely opened my eyes.
What I now have to ask you is…what about marriage? a family? life together being able to have and do whatever we want? These are things that scare me so badly. Can we keep talking? I can see discussions with you being an extremely large help to me.
Sarah,
I will be more than happy to chat with you privately, and of course you can e-mail me as you wish.
I will answer part of your question here and also invite some of my fellow RSG’s and seasoned “family” members to also comment.
Sarah.
You’re 21.
You have a lifetime to think about marriage and kids and a house and a mini-van, and of course you can have that with a woman partner; people do it every singe solitary day with great success. But girl, give yourself some time and ENJOY YOUR LIFE!
Maybe M. is THE ONE, maybe she isn’t, maybe THE ONE will end up being Jane or Jim? At this point, it doesn’t matter. If you love M. and the two of you are having a good time, then go for it, have a good time, love each other well. Love each other well and see where it goes, taking it one step at a time.
Ladies, (and Limpy…)
Very good advice and comment. Thoughtful, caring, and empathetic. And, to you, Sarah…good luck. Just be good to each other and respect each other now and in the future, no matter how it goes.
Hi Sarah,
Although I am in no way as eloquent as RSG, I do have my own 2 cents.
If not having a family, a white picket fence and a minivan are the biggest problems you have with being with a woman, you can let them go.
Many of the women who visit RSG’s blog have been right where you are (most of us at a later age) and we have families, pets, friends, homes, carreers, dreams and minivans. Some of our children came to be before our coming out, others required more planning because our same sex relationships don’t lend themselves to “accidents”.
Our lives are not made up of ideals but of love. And really, what else matters?
Now from the mother side of me-
You have plenty of time to figure out what this relationship means to you. You are young. Enjoy it. Maybe it leads to commitment and maybe it doesn’t. Don’t rush, enjoy the ride, and for Karma’s sake finish school.
Lots of luck to you.
Sarah,
Believe me when I say that you are suffering from ‘analysis paralysis’, aka over-thinking.
Just be. Be with M, enjoy, and let the rest come naturally and IN ITS OWN TIME.
As RSG and others have said, you do not need to be in a rush to figure anything out. But you owe it to yourself and to M to try and see where this goes.
The reality is that very, very few people go through life with having only one love or one major relationship. Allowing yourself to explore this, no matter how long it lasts, is a positive step in learning who you are. You might think, “Hey, I’m 21, I’m an adult.” You are- legally. But I assure you there is a LOT more to learn. There is a reason 30 is such an ‘aha!’ age.
As long as you are honest with yourself and with M, this will all be fine. Be kind to yourself, you deserve happiness just like anyone else.
Be well!
This is absolutely lovely to read and observe.
Sarah, you have your whole life ahead of you, it may be with M and your family and minivan and white picket fence, and then again, it may not. Live it, and love it, one day at a time.
RSG, you…are…fab.
MY GOD you all have been so wonderfully helpful to me.
I agree COMPLETELY that I absolutely overthink everything. I think it comes along with being a biology major. Really…science will do that to you. As well as make me look at nearly everything in life with a “what is scientifically the correct thing?” attitude. I have gotten better at letting my “what are my hopes and dreams and heart telling me is right?” attitude shine through occasionally as well. I’m trying to support that more.
I want to say that I’m not worried about not having that ‘american dream’ because it sounds so cliche and makes me seem shallow I think. I’m really not, but I do realize that when I take a step back to look at this situation, that is something that worries me. I guess mainly because growing up, I knew for sure that I wanted to have children, and if at 21 I’ve met the woman I may very well spend the rest of my life with, then that definitely complicates the situation. I’m willing to figure it all out, but to be honest….
I think the MAIN problem is that I just don’t know how to think about these things. How to conceive what would or wouldn’t work and be creative and open in a relationship that I didn’t grow up knowing anything about really. It’s something completely new and different to me, so I simply don’t know how to think about it.
I guess I just need to continue getting good advice and support from wonderful people like you. Also, I am now very aware that by acknowledging how I feel right now at 21 may be a very wise and strong thing to do and it won’t have to be something I look at later down the line and say “I wish I would have…”
SO…I will continue being the happy, friendly, outgoing person that I am, and encourage myself to love fully. I AM happy with M, and you all have no idea how happy you have made her. Her insane daily worry of whether today would be the day I’d leave has diminished greatly almost overnight. I can’t wait to see how this boosts her self esteem and morale in the near future. I think she will feel much more confident that I’m going to love her and stay around to do so.
Keep talking…I keep checking. And feel free to e-mail me. >>) sarahaddison05 AT hotmail DOT com
Sarah,
I too am an RSG, falling in love with a woman at 40 when I had been married for 13yrs, had two kids, and was a stay home mom. I know this is a struggle for you right now, but imagine this happening when the risk of hurting those most close to you is huge.
That being said, My advice is to remain open minded about your sexuality. I believe that any woman can be gay, some know from the time they are little, others figure it out in adolescence, and still others much later. I also believe one can be in love with a woman and not necessarily be gay. However if she is in love with a woman then she is at least open to being bi. Labels do not matter, love does. I spent a lot of time analyzing my previous relationships to figure myself out. this was good and all, but my therapist once told me during my struggle: You are trying to compare a relationship with a man to one with a woman, and there is no way to compare the two - women and men are so different. I know a lady who, like you had a relationship with a woman in her early 20s, then turned away from it and married a man to “do the right thing.” She ended up falling in love with her nanny after 3 kids and 20 years of marriage, now she is divorcing. So, I think you should take your time, be kind to yourself, maybe seek some talk therapy to see how you feel about everything, and know that if indeed you end up with a woman, you can have a family and a minivan. I do think depending on what part of the country you live in can make life as a lesbian harder, though still worth it if that is who you are.
that is my 2 cents worth.
L
Hey kid. have some fun.
you’re 21. sleep with who you want.
enjoy it. laugh when you have sex. giggle in eachothers arms after.
girl, boy whatever - don’t worry so much now.
you have a long life in front of you.
here is whats important.
wake up happy everymorning. make sure the person lying next to you in the morning makes you smile.
the rest will fall into place.
~weese
(been with my rsg for 22 years now. kids, dogs minivan… did it all, one happy day at a time)
[…] Ask RSG […]
Hi Sarah,
I’m Limpy. Ordinarily at this point I’d make some horribly sexist joke, because I’m incredibly immature and that’s how I hide it, but instead I’ll just say this:
You’re 21. Who I was at 21 is much different from who I am at 38. The people I’m with are different, the work I do is different, the sexual realtionships are, well, pretty much the same, because I’m totally not gay OK? OK?
Go with it. Experience life. Take on all challenges and see what happens, because when you’re older and have that family and are busy with work and kids and schools and lobbying Oregon to let RSG marry a woman and send the whole world to hell, you’re going to look back at this time and say “Jesus, I wish I’d done x, y and z back when I had the freedom to do it” And you’ll also probably wonder why you even thought for half a second of taking advice from a guy using the screen name “Limpy”, but still, it’s better to regret something you have done instead of regretting something you didn’t do, (unless you’re, like, killing homeless puppies or something), so go ahead and take a leap and see what happens.
And look, if you want kids, you can have mine. They’re due for college in a few years, and who needs that?
First off RSG - you blow me away. That was a most wonderfully thoughtful and well written bit of advice that could have only come from the wisdom you have gained through your own experience. I imagine Sarah feels extremely grateful that she had the guts to write you and ask your advice.
“Honey, you keep saying that you’re straight, but you’re interested in another woman. You’re not straight.”
HA! Now why didn’t anyone tell me that when I was 21
To the rest of those who commented - I am equally impressed. I was reading through and nodding the whole time. Intended to copy some of my favorite quotes and paste them down here, but there would have been far too many
Lastly to Sarah,
I was once a 21 year old girl who convinced herself she was straight. I denied my feelings for women, pushed them so far down I even forgot they had existed (or at least the extent to which they had existed) for a long, long time. Now, at 32, with two young children and a devastated husband I am coming out and experiencing the reality of being with a woman for the first time. I know that this was my journey and that all of it was important - but I think back to that 21 year old and so wish she had someone to tell her to trust herself and to be open to experience.
I’ve been writing my own blog about this experience, and recently wrote about what I wish I could have told my 21 year old self. I’ll copy it over here in case you are interested in reading:
“Go now, and live a little. Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Choose potential over safety. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need. Love hard and often and without reservation. Be bold. Tell the truth about yourself no matter what the cost. Own your reality without apology. Embrace your darkness along with your light. Know yourself fully before you make promises to another.”
Feel free to contact me if you’d like another listening ear.
jen.
Sarah,
When I was 21 years old, I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. One of the other bridesmaids was a lesbian who I developed a mad two-day crush on. Back then it totally confused me, but I never saw this woman again, so didn’t address it. I also, like a lot of RSG’s, thought that most straight women had fantasies about other women.
Fast forward six years I was married to an amazing guy but one day met the woman I had to eventually leave him for once I realized I was gay. Fast forward another 6 years to where I am today. “Married” in every sense of the word, except lacking legal paperwork, to that same woman. We had our first child 9 months ago. So, we don’t have a white picket fence and we often have to write letters to our legislators about our rights, but we live a normal gay life in the suburbs.
If you want to find out more about this wonderful life, go to emmindacouv.blogspot.com
I’m not saying your story is mine, or that you’re gay, but I want to offer you a glimpse into a life you might not think you can have with a woman.
Another young RSG climbs the mountain top to seek wisdom….
It seems like just yesterday it was me….
Great advice as always, RSG. Thanks
I am very impressed with the advice you have to give my girlfriend, a lot of it helps me as well. I am a rookie at this myself, knowing since i was young but never coming to terms with it until a little under a year ago. I have only been out, myself, for about seven months. I know the feeling of this all being new, being scared and unsure of myself. I tell Sarah that all the time, that i may not understand it fully but I know a little about what she is going through, because less then a year ago I was going through something similar. Just recently my mother found out about Sarah and I and now she won’t even talk to me, let alone look at me. Sarah has stood by my side and been my rock since it happened. She has chosen to love me, when my mother is required to love me unconditionally and doesn’t, someone has chosen to, which makes me think maybe I am worth loving. I would never dream of putting pressure on her to be with me. I tell her to follow her heart. I’ve told her I will be here, waiting for the moment she can give me her whole heart, until she has no doubts about us. I to want to live in the moment with her. Today is all i have, so today I want to spend with her. We don’t know where tomorrow will take us, but right now I know that I am in love with the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I hope that after reading what all you great people have posted here she will consider the idea of a long term relationship, even marriage to a woman. BUT… we are 21 and that is a ways away(i agree), I just want her to stay open-minded! So thank you all, it has helped us more than you know.
Well said.
And “hetero-flexible” was new to me– great term!
RGS,
I believe you just found your calling. You answered with truth and heart felt, and you just can’t get that from most people.
I think you really have a knack for this. Think about it.
As for Sarah, I myself fell deeply in love with a wonderful girl in college and we had a 3 year relationship. She or I had never been with a other women before we flurished in this relationship. but, when our 4th year of school excelled she found a high school boyfriend when she returned home from christmas break, she was honest about her feelings for this boy, but I couldn’t get past the chance of her hurting me……we ending our 4th year of college as friends and still speak to each other to this day, but I have married (a man and she also) but I have been honest with my husband about my feeling where she has not.
I found the woman I was in love with left her to have a “normal life” and found myself mierable. I am now pregnant and could not be happier for my gift of the child. But lost the woman I love over wanting the white picket fence and well suv not minivan
Follow your heart! LOVE YOURSELF for who you are and what you feel. LOVE IS FLUID! Don’t put yourself into a type. Don’t get into the same rut I did allowing myself to love then pulling back for the “normal life” Good luck and if you found love you are further ahead then alot of people in life!
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