I’m Blaming it on My Illness

My third class professor let us out early from class. She said that she will always let us out of class early on days that a former president is visiting. I walked over and got in line, made friends with a lovely couple and waited for my friend Jill to come and join me–she did–we went in to see Bill and it was great. He gave a fab speech and I was quite impressed. I took lots of notes (because I am a writer,) but I’m too lazy to put something together right now. He didn’t take questions, and I wasn’t close enough to shake his hand, but I did take pictures. Quite a few of them actually.

I left-got in my car-picked up my kids (who didn’t come after all, which was fine because they wouldn’t have seen anything,) and came home.

I plugged in my camera to import the pictures and guess what?

Go ahead, guess.

That’s right.

No memory card.

WTF is wrong with me? Ask me? I don’t know, I don’t even know where that memory card IS. I’ve been taking pictures with my little purse camera for months not knowing that there was NO MEMORY CARD in the damn thing.

Okay, I can’t really blame this on my present illness, but I’m going to anyway.

I suck.

But I did get to see President Clinton today, for which I am happy. The only other president I’ve ever seen was Gerald Ford when I was in high school covering a press conference for my high school news paper (we were invited, I don’t know why,) and no one cares about him anyway. So I’m happy. But still sick. And sick of being sick. With no drugs. No good drugs anyway, no Nyquil, no Dayquil.

When will it end???

My wife desperately wants to know. She can’t stand my whining for another day. And I’m too sick to cook. Feel sorry for me. Send drugs, come over and make me tea.

Oh, but I did book flights and conference tickets to San Francisco this July with LeLo for BlogHer. Yea us. We are rockin’ badasses–look out San Francisco, (not just a Gay Mecca, but so much more than that . . . )

You should come? Wanna party with us in San Fran? You know you do.

Spring Break? Over.

I go back to school today.  Three classes this term people, I’m living life on the edge.  One of those classes, Creative Non-Fiction, is FOUR credits.  Four.  Look out, I’m taking college by storm.

Also today at my Institute for Higher Learning . . .

President Clinton.

He’s campaigning for his wife AT MY COLLEGE.

I’ll be there.  My mom’s bringing the girls.  I’ll be taking a picture (if I’m allowed,) and also asking a question about marriage equality (if I’m allowed,) and shaking his hand, (if I’m allowed.)  If any of those things go badly, hopefully I don’t get wrestled to the ground by the secret service.  Keep me in your thoughts.  Also, I will not be wearing a blue dress.  Just sayin’.

I’m still sick, but I have some Contraband Sudafed that I commandeered from Washington awhile back.  It’s not Dayquil, but it will have to do.

Also, I got my grades from last term.  Four Point Fucking Oh.

Thank you and Ciao.

(Please go to the post below and answers John’s question.  His education depends on it . . .) 

Help With Terminology

A gentleman named John left a comment on the post I wrote, Pregnant Father about the terminology and differences between Sexual Identity and Gender Identity. In his comment he asked a question and for some help understanding these concepts.

Hi, I’m trying to understand all the terminology here. To be honest, I’m preparing for my comprehensive exams and the history of American Sexualities is one of my areas. I need help.

The reason that this is one of my categories is that my dissertation is on Frances Kellor. She was the head of the Americanization movement from 1908 - 1924. She had a female life partner for 50 years. She often dressed like a man. I need to understand how scholars would categorize her.

According to your terminology, though Kellor was phsyically a female, would you call her gender identity of male? If she has a gender identity of male, would she be heterosexual or lesbian? I read all the posts and still don’t entirely get it. Thanks!

BTW it might be interesting for you to know that Kellor ran much of Teddy Roosevelt’s 1912 progressive campaign. The press gave him grief for putting her and Jane Addams in positions of power. He said, in so many words, that they had changed his mind about suffrage and about lesbian women. Honestly, I think they both bonded over being so very macho. Kellor was a hunter and gamesman.

BTW, the Americanization movement always gets panned as coercive and hateful of diversity. I’m arguing, among other things, that it seems strange to assert that a gender bending lesbian was intolerant of diversity. I paint her work as inclusive. I think she would have seen herself as non-mainstream. Do you think this is fair?

Sorry for writing too much. Really, clarification on the terms would be most helpful. Book recommendations would too. Thanks, John

Well John, I’m not an expert on the subject, but plenty of the people who visit this blog know a thing or two about a thing or two around these areas. I know nothing about Ms. Kellor except what you have mentioned here and what I have quickly Googled.

I don’t think it would be fair to claim that Ms. Kellor identified as male without asking her first hand, (which obviously is impossible considering she’s dead.) I will tell you this–it was pretty typical for lesbians of that era to dress as men. More often than not they took on very specific Butch and Femme roles–the Butch lesbian would dress like a man, often to “pass” as a man or she would dress that way because she wanted to. The Butch/Femme identification was a pretty important part of queer culture during that time.

To critically look at the issue and the work that Ms. Kellor did as well as the fact that she had a partner for 50 years, my educated guess would be to classify her as a Butch Lesbian. She probably did bond with Teddy Roosevelt because they were both “macho,” lots of my Butch sisters are pretty damn macho and can hunt and fish and wrassle cattle and wield power tools.

She also may very well have been intolerant–just because someone is a feminist lesbian does not make her tolerant to other issues. I would have to further look at other evidence before I could state an opinion about that.

I’m sure some of the brilliant people who visit this blog will have some things to add and I look forward to what they have to say!

Good Luck John!

Damn The Meth Addicts

Okay, I’ve posted some serious thought-provoking things lately and today is not going to be one of those days.   Right now, I need to talk about ME, ME, ME.

I’m sick.
Maddeningly suffering.

I managed to get a few things done yesterday, went to the Social Security office to get a new card, and then fell apart at the seams.  Fell apart.

HG sent me to bed.  I whined.  And then I got a fever.  100.2 (I know that’s not high, shut it.) HG came to bed and was lying next to me.  And then I cried.  Tears streaming down my face and I cried and sobbed and cried because everything hurt.

“You have a cold.”

“I don’t have a cold, I’m sure I have pneumonia and I’m going to die.

“In this day in age, you don’t die of pneumonia,”

“People die of pneumonia every day,” the tears were making me snotty and we don’t have any Puffs.

I turned off the light and HG snuggled behind me and told me that she would take me to the Urgent Care tomorrow if I was still dying.  I really love that about her.

I woke up feeling a bit better with no fever but I’ve stayed in bed all day; I’m not taking any chances with possible impending death from pneumonia.  I’ve read an entire novel (the new Sophie Kinsella book, my very most favorite British Chick Lit author who uses great British terms like “fab” and “bloody” and “darling.”)   I adore her but I was feeling a little bit guilty that I read the entire book in a few hours–she must have worked on it a long time.  Pity really, but it was Bloody Fab–Darlings.

I have also read the entire Ikea catalog, read more of the book I’m madly in love with, How To Become A Famous Writer Before You’re Dead by the amazing Ariel Gore.  She doesn’t use the word Fab, but that’s okay.  I’ve been carrying her book around with me for days, I take it in the bathtub with me,  I write in the margins, I post-it note it, I hold it close to my heart because I want to absorb it into my very body.  That’s how much I love it-if I could have sex with it, I would.  I’m obsessed.

And I watched some TV.  Nothing worth mentioning, I had to turn an awful show called, Deliver Me about an OB/GYN ward.  Don’t even get me started on that abomination.

HG went out to the market to buy me some Italian Wedding Soup and whole wheat crackers and she brought it to me on a tray with some 7-UP (with proper ice to soda ratio and a straw.)  She told me that I’m really High Maintenance when I’m sick.  Imagine.

Tonight she is abandoning me going to a Girl’s Pajama Pizza and Movie Party with our BFF Neighbor Judy at our friend Eileen’s house and I’ll be left to my own devices which frightens me in my fragile state.  I need attention.  And I need drugs.

The God Damned Meth Addicts have ruined cold medicine.  I would love some Thera Flu, or Nyquil, or  something that actually works that doesn’t require a court order to get.  The Meth Addicts have made being sick even more miserable than it used to be and I am really not happy about their contribution to the downfall of society.  If anyone out there, who lives in a state that has REAL cold medicine, cares anything about me, you will send me drugs.  I want to be knocked out, sleeping, repairing my feeble body and mind.  Someone help me.

My fever’s back to 99.5.  It’s not looking good.

Pregnant Father, Part II

Legal Definitions.

The gentleman and his wife that I wrote about in my previous post, Pregnant Father, is a Female to Male transgender, legally a man and legally married to a woman.

This brings up some very interesting issues about legalities and sexual identity, I believe somewhat simplifying the entire issue to its most basic sense.

This story is about two people who wish to love each other, and want to be legally committed and have a family.

If Thomas Beatie had remained biologically female, he would not be able to legally wed his partner.  If he had remained biologically female, his partner would need to go through the legal ropes to adopt her own child.  This is what others in the gay and lesbian community face daily.

If I, as a woman, became pregnant using donor sperm and had a male partner, my male partner would be listed as the babies father on the birth certificate.  No one would ever think to question our legal status as a couple, my male partner would not need to apply to adopt the child, we would not be forced to undergo evaluations or home visits and we would not be forced to show any documents that proved we were our child’s parents.

This would not be the case if HG and I decided to have a baby.

If I had a male partner and we needed to take one of the DD’s to the hospital, no one would ask us, “Which one of you is the child’s parent?”

That would not be the case if HG and I needed to take one of the DD’s to the hospital.

If I had a boyfriend of two weeks and I was in an accident, no one in the hospital would ask my boyfriend of two weeks the nature of his relationship with me.

That would not be the case with HG and me.

This all stems from the imperialistic privilege that heterosexuals have attained in regards to marriage rights in this country.

Pretty much, any heterosexual couple could say that they were married and no one would question it.  They could file joint tax returns, be the beneficiary on each others benefits, have inheritance rights, death benefits, social security benefits and NO one would ever question it.

I was married for ten years and the only time I ever showed my marriage certificate was when I changed my name on my social security card.  If I hadn’t changed my name, I never would have needed it and never would have shown it to anyone.  As a matter of fact, my BFF neighbor Judy doesn’t think she even HAS a marriage certificate.  Maybe she’s not even legally married.  Does that change anything for her and the status of her relationship?  Not at all.  This comes with assumptions that heterosexuals automatically receive.  Heterosexuals are privileged this way–and that is just a fact.

I asked a few posts back, Is Marriage a Right or a Privilege?   I think the answer is pretty damn clear and until we do away with the privilege that heterosexuals automatically receive we will not have equality.  Domestic Partnerships are not equality, Civil Unions are not equality–the entire system needs to be re-looked at and looked at in its most basic sense.

Two people who love each other and want to be legally committed and have a family.

Two people.

Two people.

Penis, vagina, testes, uterus, prostate, ovaries, breasts, testosterone, estrogen.

Do these things make a person a person?

And why then would it be possible for me to legally marry HG if I identified as male?

Why do these parts define who we can legally be committed to?

It’s not basic, and it doesn’t make sense.

Wrap your brain around that for a little while.

Pregnant Father

LeLo sent me a link to an interesting article in The Advocate yesterday.

A legally married Oregon couple are pregnant with their first child. Ordinary stuff, yes? This couple is a tad bit out of the ordinary and because of this fact they are facing a tremendous amount of dissension and discrimination. Not the ordinary dissension and discrimination that GLBTQ persons face everyday–even the ones having families. This situation is off of most people’s radar.

The husband in this couple is transgendered. He is legally a male and he and his wife are legally married. His wife is unable to have children so they decided that he would discontinue his testosterone shots and put the female reproductive organs back on line and ready for duty. The female reproductive organs did their thing and with the help of some donor sperm–he is carrying their first child due in July.

This article brought up several separate issues for me having to do with identity differences, discrimination as well as the issue of marriage equality for all people. I would like check in with myself and address these items individually on a couple of different posts.

I think that the Transgender issue is one that many people (gay/straight/or otherwise) have a lot of misconceptions about and often have trouble wrapping their brain around. It’s a notion that most of us, until we are educated about the subject are uncomfortable broaching.

So let us broach, shall we?

As people and as individuals, we have Identity. Sexual Identity and Gender Identity are different issues and an important distinction. Gender Expression is different as well. What does all this mean? Well, it’s a matter of how a person sees themselves in the world.

I am a biological woman who has a Gender Identity of being a woman and a Sexual Identity of being a Lesbian. That in itself is a lot for some people to understand.

The gentleman who is the subject of this article was a biological woman who had a Gender Identity of being a man and a sexual identity of being heterosexual. Technically he still has biological woman parts–does this make him a woman? No. He has a Gender Identity of a man and legally he IS a man.

Another example would be a man who is biologically male, has a Gender Identity of being a woman who identifies as a Lesbian. Confused?

The long and short of it is this: Gender Identity and Sexual Identity are different and each person has their own combo of such identities some just different than others.

What is inside of us can identify who we are on the outside. Or not. Or we choose which parts of us inside identify who we are on the outside. Or not.

I’m one-quarter Italian. If I wished, I could Identify as an Italian. I have an Italian last name, I have curly hair (and sometimes it’s dark,) I like lasagna, I can say Ciao. Who’s to say that I’m any less or more Italian than someone who is “more” Italian than I am?

My BFF Neighbor Judy is Jewish. She’s a terrible Jew and knows NOTHING about her Jewish religion (that she doesn’t practice) or her Jewish heritage (which she doesn’t care much about.) Her son, born to a non-practicing Jewish mother and a Protestant white father is Jewish by Jewish Law. Does this make him “more” Jewish than someone who has no Jewish heritage and converts in order to Identify as a Jewish person?

Is a woman who identifies as a woman any less of a woman if she loses her breasts to a double mastectomy? Is she defined by her body parts or what she perceives as her identity in her mind?

Is a man who identifies as a man any less of a man if he has a uterus? Not if he identifies as a man in his mind.

In order to more fully understand this it’s important to try to put yourself in another persons place. Imagine if you didn’t feel quite right in the body you were born in to? Imagine if you looked in the mirror and saw something different than what you imagined yourself to be. Imagine what the world be like to live in. It would be like waking up in a nightmare every single day of your life. Imagine how grateful you would be if you could make the changes necessary and be able to live with your body matching what you perceived yourself to be in your brain.

I don’t profess to be any kind of expert on transgendered people or their thoughts and experiences; I don’t even personally know anyone who is transgendered. When I found myself needing to check in on how I felt about the issue, I took the time to try to educate myself and look at it in the way I have tried to describe here. I know for me in order to better understand the subject it took me to look at it in this way.

Next I would like to bring up the subject of marriage equality and the inherent and privileged rights that heterosexuals are granted simply because of their Gender and Sexual Identity as related to this article and otherwise.

39

Today marks the first day of the last year of my thirties! Bravo!

I spent my twenties learning a lot about life.

I have spent my thirties learning a lot about me.

I look forward to the next decade living MY life with my wife and my family and friends.

But until then (364 days away,) I wonder what the next year will bring???  I’m excited to find out!

Today, LeLo is coming out to the scary suburbs.  I’m throwing myself a Pedi-Party–we’re all going to get our toes done, (all meaning the girls and I and LeLo, not the dogs,) then we’re coming back here for a Ladies High Tea!  Ooh la-la.

Yesterday, my amazing wife surprised me with tickets to Corteo for the family!  We had an amazing time and I have pretty much decided that in my next life, I am going to be a Cirque De Soleil performer. As long as in my next life I’m not afraid of heights.  Until then, I’m going to enjoy this life a little bit more.

Happy Birthday to my favorite birthday mate, Kristine. And all of you–have a great March 24th! (Have a virtual cocktail with me later!)

Cheers!

Ask RSG

Dear RSG,

My man is interested in a threesome (as a majority of men are) and I’m not opposed to having one, ONE TIME.  It’s something I’ve done before with a previous guy I was dating. While I’m not opposed to having intimate contact with a woman, it’s not something I would pursue on a long term basis. I am not interested in a relationship with another woman, on an intimate level.

I understand from things I’ve read, that lesbians are not interested in participating.  And why would they be?  They are after all lesbians, therefore they are not interested in being in a romantic/physical relationship with a man.  But that is the first place people look when searching for a third person to join them.

I am ashamed to admit that I looked on dating websites for women seeking women.  What I was surprised to find is the number of bi women looking for another woman to join in with them and their male significant other.

I guess I’m curious (and I’m not sure you can answer) about where is the line drawn?  Are they claiming to be bi so that they can find a girl to join them?  There were also those girls who were claiming to be bi but had never been with a woman, never been in a relationship with a woman, had never kissed a woman, but had fantasized about it and therefore figured they were bi.

But I’ve been with a woman, I’ve kissed a woman, I’ve had sexual relations with a woman both with and without a man, and I don’t claim to be bi sexual at all. Why?  Because I think that in order to claim that sexuality label you have to be willing to live that life.  I’m not.

There were also the girls that were turning to women because they had just had it with men.  All of the men in their lives had been complete jerks and they were done with them, so they wanted to give women a go.  Again, I don’t see how they can consider themselves to be bi sexual, when it’s not a life they are willing to commit to.

Maybe it’s all a personal choice how you describe yourself and where you think you fit in.  Maybe you don’t have the answers at all, but I thought you would be a good place to start.   –Becky

Dear Becky,

Identity is just that, identity.  You can choose to identify one way or the other or not, there are no hard and fast rules.  My immediate thought was that if you have been with women before and are willing to do it again, that would make you bi-sexual by definition.  After I gave it some consideration I concluded that someone who is  bi-sexual generally is someone who would be happy being with a man OR a woman, that’s not the case with you.

I would say that you are Hetero-flexible.  You are heterosexual but you don’t mind taking a bite out of the proverbial bi-sexual cookie once in a while.  Sexuality is fluid and it may and can change over time; most people don’t stick to one label their entire life.  I identify as a lesbian because I am in a committed long term relationship with a woman.  If that were to change, I would not seek the romantic company of a man and I would pursue a relationship with other women.  Would I ever sleep with a man again?  Maybe.  Does that make me Bi?  No.  I identify as a lesbian.  It would make me a lesbian that took a bite out of the proverbial bi-sexual cookie!

Lesbian women are typically offended with the invitation to join a threesome with a man—it’s not usually their cup of tea.  I would stick to the women who identify similar to the way you do—either bi-sexual, bi-curious, hetero-flexible or just experimenting.  The main thing to do is BE HONEST.

Post a personal ad and say what you’re looking for specifically.  DON’T go to a lesbian bar with your husband to troll for chicks—it most likely won’t go well.

My question to you would be this–Why do you want to do this?  To make your man happy or is it something that you want to do as well?  If it’s the first, I would tread carefully about setting up a precedence here.  I don’t think that every many has this fantasy, I think some do, and usually their fantasy is different from reality.  From my experience and others I know, usually it’s a lot more about the girls and the guy does a lot of watching (which may be just fine with him!)

Don’t do anything that could potentially threaten your relationship, establish rules of the game, and be safe.  Do your thing and have fun; just be respectful to everyone involved and remember the honesty.  That way you can be sure there is less of a chance of someone getting hurt.

Best of luck!

RSG

Overhaul

Today was that time of the year again.

The Girlie Exam.

I’m one of those people that don’t mind the Girlie Exam–I’ve had three children for god’s sake, I have no modesty left. I love the part where they ask me what kind of birth control that I’m using; I say, “I only sleep with women, that usually controls it.”

Today, my new doctor and I talked about all sorts of things and on top of getting probed and swabbed and what not, I had blood drawn to check my thyroid, my blood sugar, and my cholesterol. (I’m turning 39 on Monday; it’s pretty much all going to hell from here on out.) Not to mention that my father had a heart attack at age 45 and had quadruple bypass surgery. Yes, I have Estrogen on my side, but still. Good to check out the blood–see what’s going on in there.  Because KP is very efficient, they’ve already sent back my CBC.  Looks normal to me, but I’m not a doctor–I just play one at home.

Yesterday I met Melissa Lion for tea at the coffee place in Portland where (apparently) all the lezzies hang out.  I didn’t know this until I got there and Melissa and I both noticed how many were there with their lezzie clothes and lezzie shoes.  Melissa doesn’t have good gaydar, but luckily I do, so we were able to pick them out quite easily. We had fun.  I got a little high from the caffeine of the loose tea and Melissa told me to take the little basket of tea out of the pot, which was a good thing because by that time the tea was blacker than any coffee I’d ever had.  We gossiped about the people that we work with, except that we don’t work together, but if we did work together forty hours a week, we would gossip all of the time and it would be really great.

Then after the tea and the lezzie gazing and the gossip I went to my non-shrink therapist to have my head examined.

Wow.  That was fun.   She said that we took out a lot of things to examine and that maybe I have some un-resolved guilt about not being with my children all of the time and that perhaps I need to tell those voices in my head who is boss around here anyway.  And that will be $95.00 please, shall we make another appointment for next week?  Of course.  Because I’m having an overhaul and I need all of my parts checked out.

I’m trying something new for anxiety (drug, that is.)  Part of the being in charge of the voices in my head thing.  I don’t really hear voices, it’s a figure of speech.  It’s kind of like there is a board meeting going on in my head all of the time and sometimes I forget who the chairwoman is.  My anxiety interferes sometimes and I get, well, anxious.  I don’t want to take anything addictive (nice as that may be,) so my nice new doctor gave me something else that may help.  Or make me crazy, only time will tell.

Speaking of anxiety.  I was having tea at Starbucks with my new friend Wendy this morning before my girlie exam and my ex-husband was there.  Lucky for me, I didn’t see him until he was leaving.  He’s one of the people at the board meeting in my head and someday soon I’m going to figure out how to fire and kindly ask him to collect his personal belongings and leave the premises.  I’ll need a few more sessions with my non-shrink to do that I think.  Or maybe just a few more tea’s at the lezzie coffee shop with Melissa Lion to gossip.  Or both.  We’ll see.

Right now I’m going to overhaul my laundry basket and show that laundry who’s in charge around here, (HG,) and take my kid to her indoor soccer game and color Easter Eggs and maybe my hair.  Then I will slip into my bed with my beautiful wife and get up tomorrow and overhaul some more things in my life.  Like my taxes.  Good times.  Just part of the Homosexual Lifestyle you’ve all heard about.

Jealous much?

Is Marriage a Right or a Privilege?

Something to think about today. It’s a thought that I had and discussed with HG over the weekend. Is Marriage a Right or a Privilege? What makes something a “Right” and what makes something a “Privilege?” We’ve always been told that “Driving is a Privilege, not a Right,” and “Voting is a Privilege.”

What about Marriage?

To help this discussion, I thought I would utilize the dictionary as a start.

Right: legal entitlement to have or obtain something or to act in a certain way. (Oxford American Dictionary).

In the jurisprudence and the law, a right is the legal or moral entitlement to do or refrain from doing something, or to obtain or refrain from obtaining an action, thing or recognition in civil society (Wikipedia).

1: qualities (as adherence to duty or obedience to lawful authority) that together constitute the ideal of moral propriety or merit moral approval2: something to which one has a just claim: as a: the power or privilege to which one is justly entitled <voting rights> <his right to decide>  : the cause of truth or justice (Merriam-Webster)

Privilege: special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group of people (American Oxford Dictionary)

A privilege—etymologically “private law” or law relating to a specific individual—is a special entitlemen immunity granted by a government or other authority to a restricted group, either by birth or on a conditional basis or (Wikipedia).

a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor (Merriam-Webster).

What do you all think?