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January 16, 2008
Posted under GLBTQ issues, HG, Lesbian Issues by Recovering Straight Girl
Would have been the day that HG and I became domestically partnered in our state of Oregon. This picture would have been the one I used for the invitation. The invitation to the cocktail party we were supposed to have. The cocktail party that would have celebrated our special day.
The law, which was supposed to go into effect January 2nd has been halted; devastating same-sex couples throughout the state. Devastating HG and I, and our dream to become legally bound to each other, to protect each other, to take care of each other, to give us some of the same recognition and rights afforded to married heterosexual couples.
HG and I celebrate our anniversary on January 16th. We met in person on that day, almost two years ago; and the memories of that day are precious to us. That day, January 16th was the first day of the rest of our lives, and on the 16th of every month, we remember how precious our relationship is to us. How precious our love and commitment is. That day, IS our anniversary, we don’t even remember the date we actually exchanged rings!
We were ecstatic when the new Domestic Partnership law would go into effect in January. How perfect! We would go to the courthouse on January 16th, exactly two years after that wonderfully fateful day and make it legal.
But now, that dream has been shattered, and it makes me very, very sad.
We may be able to register, after all of this mess is cleared up. We will still be happy to be able to do so, but somehow it just won’t be the same. I have been looking forward to this day since the DP law was passed. I held my breath as the haters tried to get it referred to a ballot measure, I rejoiced when they failed. I planned my party, HG has already taken that day off from work, and here we are; not able to go through as planned.
Imagine a heterosexual couple picking a date, planning a ceremony and a party to get married; then two weeks before, some judge tells them they aren’t worthy enough to get married? It’s not even comprehensible. But we are forced to accept this injustice, this fallacy. It’s sickening.
I married a man and was handed a thousand rights on a silver platter. My marriage failed.
And then, I found true love, with a person who truly loves me back. Our relationship is sweet, and sincere, and real, with a deep connection and love that most people only dream of. We are best friends. We are lovers. We are parents. We are partners in every way.
Why was my crappy relationship to a man held up higher than my amazing relationship with a woman?
How is it that I suddenly became a second class citizen, simply because of who I love?
HG and me. Our beautiful relationship deserves to be regarded with respect and honor, and legally recognized. And so I guess, we wait. For what else are we to do? I suppose anything worth having is worth waiting for, but this? Is heartbreakingly hard.
For more information on this outrageous miscarriage of justice, check out some of these sites:
Thank you to my fellow bloggers and the thoughtful posts that you have made on your own blogs. Beecharmer, Jess, Witchtrivets.
Oh girl. I’m in tears for you and HG. Every point you made is so incredibly valid. It’s so ironic that hetero marriages are handed out by by judges to anyone who goes and gets a blood test and the majority of those marriages fail, yet solid same sex relationships are not recognized.
The haters as you appropriately call them will let two people who are pregnant out of marriage (by all of their standards a sin) yet others who they feel are ’sinning’ by who they love are unable to receive the basic rights that those people are given. There is such a double standard.
It boggles my mind and makes me angry and sad for you and others in your situation.
I’m sorry. Hopefully the fight will continue and eventually, your state will make this right.
((hugs))
I am so sorry to hear this, your saddness and frustration is so clearly transmitted through your words. I wrote about the topic of marriage equality recently as well - it’s difficult for me, as a Canadian living in the US - to come to terms with the fact that because I choose to live here, I don’t have the ability to marry again. Sad and hard to comprehend.
I hear you. I work in an outer suburban senior high school which is in a growing, but at the moment depressed, socio-economic area. There are people there in whom I would not entrust the care of a ping pong ball on a string let alone children. Yet they are able to marry, and have said children, and garner all the benefits from a ‘legitimate heterosexual marriage.’ We have however, had a change in Federal government, which may mean reform in many areas concerning the LGBT community here in Australia.
Let’s hope that the bill is just postponed and that you and HG are able to register your domestic partnership in 2008, that’s what I will be hoping for.
It’s just complete bullshit that they can pull it out from under you.
My partner and I will celebrate our ten year anniversary in June, yet we have virtually no legal rights. In our state, I see no hope in the near future.
I’m sorry that such dear hopes have been so summarily dashed.
I know you may not be able to think of this just now, but how ’bout we all get together with you and yours for a virtual party on Jan. 16th?
Hang in there and remember that just over a decade ago we would not have had even the concept of this kind of disappointment.
RSG-
I’m so sorry.
The marriage you have is so obvious in your words and in that beautiful picture. It’s in the way you live your every day. Not to be able to legalize it is ravage.
Why people can’t get there heads around that instead of being obsessed about what’s going on in GLBT bedrooms or trying to to translate god to us (as if they could) is maddening to me.
On the 16th I will raise a glass to you both.
This is so unfair, unjust and infuriating! I’m so sorry to hear it.
But, I guess I take some comfort in the fact that no matter how many laws they pass and rights they take away, they can never take away the feelings in our hearts and the love that we have for our partners.
As soon as I saw the headline, two thing went through my mind:
“Those bastards!”
and…
“I am certain RSG is devastated.”
I’m sorry doesn’t cut it, and I know I can’t personally make it better. But I have to believe that this is merely a setback, not a reversal.
I have to. Because I feel about my relationship the way you do about yours, and we BOTH deserve that recognition.
Hang in there, RSG. Bayou and I support you both, and we feel your pain from here.
I know this is so hard. It’s heartbraking to have been promised that opportunity then to have it taken away. The rest of the country depends on the west to blaze the trail, and unfortunately, we thought we had arrived at our destination only to find a longer path ahead. I know we’ll get there someday, and all our loving relationships will be respected and honored with the force of law.
This news hadn’t made it to my TV or radar screen. I hope the legislators can over-rule the judge. And the good news, from my point of view, is that you did find somebody to love who loves you back. It isn’t about gender, actually, it is about the individual. But so many people only notice the “outsides.” Best wishes.
Dammit! My 15 year old daughter said it pretty well I think. Upon seeing the newsflash across the bottom of our tv screen, she piped up with “What the fuck is the problem with people loving whomever they want? Why are people so afraid of gay people? It’s not like they’re out to ‘convert’ everyone for god’s sake! Let them get married already and move on to something that needs ‘fixing’ like the illegal war in Iraq!”
Yes, my children can use words like fuck. Yes they are brilliant, thank you very much…heh…
I’m sorry RSG. I know this has been devastating for you and so many in Oregon. I wish I could fix it. You and HG were the first thought to cross my mind when I saw the news.
Really sorry to hear this. I discovered your writing recently while searching for blogs on completely different kinds of ‘recovery’ but I’ve gotten hooked and been very moved by your story. Not gay or female myself but, having just recently ended my own crappy heterosexual marriage, I know your relationship with HG sounds more wonderful then anything I have ever found. Good luck to both of you and I hope Oregon comes to its senses soon.
This breaks my heart. I don’t comment much anymore but I still read…this absolutely pisses me off to no end.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
So very sorry.
This is utter bullshit. It is truly beyond my realm of understanding why anyone would care who any of us marry.
I’m so sorry RSG and HG.
It’s pure crap..to me it’s crappy that a man we know named Kevin is allowed to get married THREE TIMES. THREE TIMES HE GOT MARRIED..and three times he cheated on each wife and left the wife for the new woman. Three times he messed up people’s lives..and upset children who got used to each new wife. That is just ONE example of the crappy way people in our country get “married”..and it’s so “precious and wonderful” isn’t it? Yet they don’t want same sex marriage. I know more same sex couples who would treat marriage as an important and special commitment–than I do hetero couples. Many hetero couples make more of a mockery out of marriage all on their own. Sorry I got all riled up and started rambling. regardless..i am sending Happy New Year wishes to you and HG and hope that someday soon you two will be able to marry in Oregon.
*Applause*
As an Oregonian, I have also been pretty devastated about this ruling. I still don’t get it, but I just want to say I could not have put it as eloquently as you have here. Thank you.
I am just heartbroken for you guys. To be that close and have it taken away. I will keep you in my thoughts andhope that this is just a delay. It just sucks that they could take this away from you.
Thanks. I see there will be a vigil in Ashland. It was supposed to be a celebration. I’ll be there anyway.
Thank God. I was worried that my marriage would fail if a bunch of gay people I never met were allowed to be legally wed.
why don’t some people feel as threatened by the INJUSTICE of this at least as much as they are threatened by the possibility that two women or two men might form a stable, legal marriage? are they afraid that same-sex marriages will be as wobbly as opposite-sex marriages–of which nearly 40% end in divorce? i suppose they figure that god will disapprove. um….folks….god MADE us!
happy anniversary coming up, RSG and HG! i’ll hold you in the light.
i wish that the suggestion “come to canada and get married here” would help, but i know it won’t. it gets to be so fucking frustrating to see things that are so right get fucked over by ignorance, bigotry, and in some cases, just plain malevolance.
it will happend for you, in the ways you want, but we all just have to keep making our voices, and our friends’ and families’ voices heard loud and clear across both continents.
jlb
That is a beautiful picture of the two of you RSG.
I am so sorry this has happened and marred your special occasion. I agree with every point you made. It SUCKS that hetero couples are handed all of those rights and priveleges and same sex couples are denied. Keep fighting the good fight. This straight girl (non-recovering though thank you) is in your corner!
Don’t you know? We are destroying heterosexuality and eroding straight marriages all over the world. We are that powerful.
If only.
Keep the faith, RSG. It’s frustrating, yes. But look how far we’ve come and with every set back, we get stronger. It sucks big time and here in CT, we’re awaiting the ‘verdict’ of our case on gay marraige and the waiting really sucks.
I keep reminding myself that they can deny us rights and all kinds of legalities, but the love that we have found with our partners is something that can never be denied or taken from us.
I really hope that one day this doesn’t have to be such an issue anymore and that we can marry who we love regardless of their sex. I’m sorry that this happened. You two are such a great couple and you have a wonderful, loving home for your kids. I hope that you get to have “your day” soon though. And I think you should still have a party and celebrate your anniversary, because after all, it changed your lives.
Hope all you girls have a very Happy New Year!!
typing this with tears in my eyes. this world doesnt make a lot of sense, and my heart hurts.
sending you both love, comforted that your love is sweet and strong enough to last thru a million more 16th’s to celebrate how blessed you are.
much love,
gypsy
I’m a frequent reader, but only a sometimes commentor. I just had to say I’m so sorry about what is going on, and that I hope one day soon you and HG can use the beautiful picture for your invitations, announcements, and road-side billboard if you see fit!
I just wandered over from Limpy’s blog.
It’s obvious from that photograph that there’s a lot of love between you and HG. Our world could use more love like that, no matter what combination it comes in!
dammit!
i wish i knew what to say. i honestly don’t. i have a million words running through my mind and they all sound so cheerful and positive; alas, they seem a bit empty when written.
*sigh*
I’m so sorry. That just sucks, plain and simple.
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