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I need balance, and I don’t mean my checkbook
Posted under Being RSG, Family, Mothering by Recovering Straight GirlI don’t actually balance my checkbook. I really don’t see a need for it, I rarely write checks, and everything is right there on-line for me to review as needed. I pay my bills on-line and I always have cash due to my Glamorous Waitressing Job.
The kind of balance that I’m talking about is the balance of everyday life, the kind I referenced in my previous post. The balance of being a partner, a mother, an employee, a freelance employee, a housekeeper, a friend, a blogger, a daughter, a sister, a community member, a driver, a cook, a keeper of finances (one who doesn’t balance her checkbook but does successfully pay all of the bills on time and manages the grocery money…) and many other things.
Sometimes it feels like walking a tightrope, and I’m afraid of heights.
Sometimes it overwhelms me, other times I can keep on going, every day, making the best of it all.
Supermom.
No such thing.
I once published an article called “Feminism and the Generation X Stay-at-Home-Mom.” Long name for a short piece, but the main idea was that SAHM’s were exercising their feminist privilege by choosing to be at home with their children and take care of their families. I still believe that, but I also believe that in certain communities, (like the Scary Suburbs in which I live,) there is an unrealistic expectation of a woman/mother’s role in the lives of their children.
The people here are frightening. Really, really frightening and the most frightening thing about the whole thing, is that I used to be just like them.
When I had an “awakening” of my sexuality, I think that I’ve slowly awakened to the rest of it. I look at the women that I see, in the carpool lane, at the sporting events, at school, in the grocery store and I can feel their stress. I can sense their emptiness, I can practically smell their fear.
But other’s don’t see that, they see “Perfect Mother,” and it’s hard to measure up to that. It’s exhausting to even try.
There aren’t enough hours in the day to be able to actually live your own life and live the lives of your children at the same time. There isn’t enough money in the world to give them everything that there is to be had, or wanted. There isn’t enough energy to keep up, it’s not possible. It really isn’t.
It’s about balance.
Balance to be there, to support, to teach, to love, to reveal.
But not helicopter, or rescue, or enable.
Or enable.
Amazing how that co-dependency thing keeps coming up. I wonder how my support group is going?
Well until I actually start that co-dependency group that Google thinks I have, I will just have to live with the fact that I really do the best I can. I get frustrated, I second guess my decisions sometimes, I yell sometimes, (especially when someone, namely DD#2 takes 25 minutes to get her soccer uniform on,) and I rescue and save them when I probably shouldn’t.
I just want to be a good mother, and yes, I do really love my children. Of course I love my children, but more than that I am committed to them. I want to give them the safety and security that I didn’t always feel as a child and sometimes I do too much to make up for that.
HG told me today, through my tears and my feeling of parental insecurity, that if she could be re-born, she would want to be my child. That’s quite a compliment, and I don’t think she was blowing smoke up my ass.
I guess that means I must be doing something, somewhat right.
So I guess I’ll just keep trying.
What an awesome entry.
I don’t know if you are a reader. There’s actually a book called Balance (imagine that) by Joel and Michelle Levey that’s pretty helpful. I think it was there that I found the metaphor of balance as related to tightrope walkers and circus performers. EVEN THEY (with or without nets) are not always balanced. But they ARE very quick to regain their balance when they’ve lost it. So I don’t aim for perfect balance any more, just quicker recoveries. It is much less exhausting. I hope that someday your DD’s will express their appreciation of your mothering style and skills. It is sweeter than honey.
Balance is the most elusive, yet most sought after aspect in my life. I’m getting better and I keep trying too. That’s all any of us can do.
As a Mom I totally get what you are saying. What a wonderful thing for HG to say to you!
RSG, don’t beat yourself up. It’s what us Mother’s, wives, women, sisters, daughters do best, beat the hell out of ourselves.
I think (from what you share here) you are a fabulous Mom. You will look back one day and have some regrets over time wasted worrying and self beating. I have anyway, and bet many other Mom’s do as well.
I am trying to find that balance, too.
You rock! We ALL wonder (and hope) if our kids will be even semi-normal because we question just about every decision we ever make!! I used to say that me and my kids were going to end up on Oprah some day for all the bad parenting I have inflicted, but I still get cards on Mother’s Day telling me I am the best mom in the world!!!
What an awesome thing for her to say.
You can’t get a compliment any better than that.
Being a perfect mother…lord..I am so far from it.
A lot of people out in blog land think they are perfect don’t they.
Yeh, well not me.
I just wake up each day and start over again and most days it is easy but some days it isn’t.
Hugs b.
loves yah.
Are you sure she wasn’t blowing smoke up your ass? That sounds kind of kinky.
That is an amazing comment from the lovely HG. I’ve had the privilege of receiving the same comment from a few special people as well. Brava! You are doing a fabulous job.
I think we all try to make up for lots of things with our children…maybe things we didn’t have or didn’t do or whatever. It’s not good or bad, it simply is. You are a wonderful mother and your last line sums it up perfectly…for all of us I think…
“So I guess I’ll just keep trying.”
It’s really all we can do.
Knowing HG, I think she just wishes she could spend nine straight months up in your box!
Seriously though, it is a great compliment, and perhaps she’ll get the chance in the next lifetime. I didn’t get the chance to parent this time around. Perhaps good karma now will allow me to come back as the best parent for my sweetheart in the next lifetime. I wish it for us both!
Loved, Loved KnittingPainterWoman’s comments about focusing on recovering balance rather than never losing it!
I think it’s only natural for your character to want to help and support others as much as you can. Maybe the trick is to love and support yourself when you need it, too. Help the balance out that way. Before you can take care of others, you HAVE to take care of yourself. Otherwise you have nothing to give to anyone else. Trust me, I know this from experience. Keep your chin up.
I love that she said that. What a wonderful, thoughtful thing. Sigh. I so dig her. Never met her, but I dig her.
And you. I am certain you do an excellent job, probably much better than you even realize. I think most moms need to ease up on themselves.
Every time I feel I am at the end of my tether with She Who Must Be Obeyed, I overhear another parent going through the very same crap I am going through. It brings me a slight comfort in knowing my child is not the only one out to drive me legally insane so I can be committed.
I have seen some moms that should have NEVER procreated. It makes me sad for those children. I can’t even get into the types of mothers I am referring to ’cause it only upsets me.
Then I see the moms that do EVERYTHING for there children (no exaggeration here). These are the moms that end up renting out a huge-ass catering place for about 300 of their closest friends for their child’s 16th birthday. Talk about living in a world of illusions for their children.
RSG, you’re doing great. And we all have our breakdowns from time to time. We all scream at our kids and then like the world’s biggest ogress afterwards. We all feel like balling up in a corner, begging the world to just bugger off. It’s part of how we balance everything. Seriously, it’s true.
You show me a woman who doesn’t do that from time to time and I’ll point out a woman who doesn’t live in reality.
RSG, I don’t think there’s such a thing as perfect parents. Some Bradys may come close to it, but I think the fact that you stop at times to question yourself then plod on with a wiser head on your shoulders makes you very close to perfect.
Yeah, that was a sweet thing for HG to say. And coming from a person who’s seen even your stink, that’s one hell of a validation.
RSG, when I read about all you do for your kids, I think you’re an amazing mom. You’ve got a great relationship with HG, a beautiful home, and what seem to be three very normal girls, who are happy and well adjusted, and love you, and you friends who care about you. At the end of the day, it’s all about love (IMO), and it seems like your life has an abudance of it.
I have nothing of any use to add here, (hell, if our kids get to school with matching shoes, we call it a victory), but I do want to point out that HG BFF’s comment might be the filthiest thing I’ve ever read.
And that makes me happy.
I have no doubt that you’re a fantastic mom and that HG is right - coming back to this life as one of your kids would be awesome! The balancing act, though, makes it seem so hard and unachievable. You’re doing your best - what more can one ask?
Well, one can ask for funny comments like limpy’s
OMG…I thought the same thing as HG…I’d be so nostalgic about where I came from.
The countdown to Portland is upon me. I tried to get out of it…my boss is forcing me to go.
I shall be there in Late June…hang on to Ginger…ya know…if she smells the common likes of me she’ll do a Van Morrison thingy…
“…come runnin’ to me…”
OH YEAH
King Shocka Khan (taking over for the departed Tad and his friend the late Dr H.O. Potamus)
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