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From delusion to peace
Posted under Anxiety by Recovering Straight GirlSomeone once told me that if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out immediately. If you put a frog into a pot of warm water and slowly turn up the temperature, it will boil to death. It’s the same thing with domestic abuse.
It still amazes me that even though I have been divorced for over two years, and away from the dysfunction that was my marriage, I am sometimes still paralyzed by it’s affects and question the reality of the situation.
No matter how many people tell me or point out the awful things that my XH did to me, and does to me, how he manipulated me, lied to me, cheated on me, deceived me; I still find a place inside that allows me to forgive him, believe him, make excuses for him.
I’m not sure why.
I suppose that I needed to believe certain things in order to handle and manage my life. I wanted so badly the things that I believed and wished were true that somehow I deluded myself into thinking they were reality. I guess he kind of did the same thing with his lies and deception, he wanted to believe them so badly that he made them a reality. He still does that today, and probably always will. Dealing with it today is somewhat harder than it was in the past, because there is no motivation for him to improve anything, he simply doesn’t care, has no regard, no respect, and no consideration for me, and sadly that rolls over to our children.
HG helps me to realize things that I never realized before. She has a way of being objective and pointing things out to me the way she would a friend or anyone that she cared about. She doesn’t allow me to continue to delude myself and behave in the “surviving” manner that I did for so many years. She helps me to find a way to empower myself and find a way to stand up for myself the way I couldn’t for so many years. She has given me strength that I forgot I had, she has taught me and shown me that I deserve more than being treated badly and not to take it any more.
She has shown me what true love and partnership is.
I look at her and all I see is how much she loves me, how much she is devoted to me every minute of every day, how much she truly cares for me and about me.
She is truly the calm of my life, the center, the peace, the tranquility. Without her I would still be a victim. Without her, I would not have found out what real love is. Without her, I would have continued to be lost.
That cycle of abuse is hard to remove yourself from, even when you physically remove yourself from the situation or relationship. Even though I sometimes feel like I’m spinning my wheels, and I make mistakes, I know that I am making progress disallowing myself from being controlled. I know I can’t change anything. I can’t change the way my ex is, but I can control the way that I react. And I will no longer react by doing nothing, not making waves, not upsetting anything because the repercussions will be worse. I’m done putting up with bullshit, and frankly I don’t need it.
I HAVE everything I need in my life.
Bullshit is NOT one of those things.
God love ya, darlin. I am so glad you have someone like HG. We should all have someone like that in our lives - be it a partner or a sibling or a friend - to be a constant source of calm and peace and trust.
Amen, Sister. Amen.
Well said!
I´m new to this blogging thing, so I´m still looking around, finding new cool blogs like yours, and trying to learn a bit.
I´ll def be reading you!
Hugs!
Your ex reminds me of Fran’s. Just remember that you spent years learning to cover and make excuses. You can’t necessarily unlearn it in a relatively short period of time. Thank goodness you have HG, everyone should be so lucky to have someone like her!
I spent years not making waves…trying to remain invisible so there wasn’t even a ripple of drama. Of course none of that worked. There was always drama in some form or another. I’ve not been in that relationship for almost 9 years now and I still am learning…sometimes not very well, I might add. I’m glad you have HG sweetie. Remember to go easy on you. It takes a long time to learn a behavior or group of behaviors and it takes a long time to unlearn them as well. BTW, I absolutely adore the pic of the baby foot! OMG!
And what you have with HG is how it is suppose to be.
That is what it is all about and you deserve it..more than anything.
So enjoy it, don’t ever take it for granted and work hard at it..everyday and it will continue on…
Love yah HOOKER.
((((HUGS))))
I love you bitches.
You are such a wordsmith. (((((RSG))))
RSG- I could’ve written this- I told you (about a year ago, I think) that you were a year ahead of me. I’m still on that journey and I couldn’t have come this far without my Shannon. Like HG, she gives me the support I need to keep going when I’m afraid. take care (((hugs)))
Isn’t it great when you are in a relationship where you are free to express yourself? And even if your partner doesn’t agree with you - they acknowledge that you have a right to your feelings and that it is okay to talk about them?
I am so, SO glad that you have HG. Relationships aren’t always pretty, but if you wake up every morning and choose to be with the person you’re with - really commit to it - then you can withstand anything.
Fabulous writing, by the way. XOXO
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