The Year We Had No Plans For New Years

The kids are with their father on vacation and I spent the day de-Holidaying the house, filing, talking to my Dad on the phone, talking to myself a lot, and watching the marathon of my favorite show.

HG worked.

I didn’t shower until 5:00.

Why was I talking to myself, you ask?

Because I am just not used to being in this house all by myself.  I’m used to having to beg and plead for just five minutes of silence when the kids are here, and when they’re not; well HG and I are otherwise occupied, but I’m rarely here alone all day long.

The dogs are not good conversationalists, and frankly they were getting in my way a lot today.

Which brings us to,  we have no plans for New Years Eve.

Really, we were excited to go out and celebrate our upcoming DP, but since that isn’t happening, we find ourselves at a loss for entertainment, which is completely rare and atypical for me on this or any free evening.  Perhaps I should consider making some new friends and not pissing off the ones I have?

(Something to think about for the New Year.) 

So here we are and the only thing we can think of is to go to dinner (without a reservation,) and then come home to play cards or the kid’s Wii.

Holy Hell!  Someone call the press, it’s going to be mass excitement in the RSG/HG household!

Either way, whatever we do, we will be together to bring in the New Year, which I must tell you all is the very last in good year’s for awhile.  Good things happen in even years, and in years that end in seven, so live it up people, this is the end of the trifecta.

Until then, my friends.  Be safe with whatever debauchery you get yourselves into this evening, and keep in mind that NYE is amateur night.  Watch out for the crazies.  They are everywhere.

Ciao.

January 16, 2008

Would have been the day that HG and I became domestically partnered in our state of Oregon. This picture would have been the one I used for the invitation. The invitation to the cocktail party we were supposed to have. The cocktail party that would have celebrated our special day.

The law, which was supposed to go into effect January 2nd has been halted; devastating same-sex couples throughout the state. Devastating HG and I, and our dream to become legally bound to each other, to protect each other, to take care of each other, to give us some of the same recognition and rights afforded to married heterosexual couples.

HG and I celebrate our anniversary on January 16th. We met in person on that day, almost two years ago; and the memories of that day are precious to us. That day, January 16th was the first day of the rest of our lives, and on the 16th of every month, we remember how precious our relationship is to us. How precious our love and commitment is. That day, IS our anniversary, we don’t even remember the date we actually exchanged rings!

We were ecstatic when the new Domestic Partnership law would go into effect in January. How perfect! We would go to the courthouse on January 16th, exactly two years after that wonderfully fateful day and make it legal.

But now, that dream has been shattered, and it makes me very, very sad.

We may be able to register, after all of this mess is cleared up. We will still be happy to be able to do so, but somehow it just won’t be the same. I have been looking forward to this day since the DP law was passed. I held my breath as the haters tried to get it referred to a ballot measure, I rejoiced when they failed. I planned my party, HG has already taken that day off from work, and here we are; not able to go through as planned.

Imagine a heterosexual couple picking a date, planning a ceremony and a party to get married; then two weeks before, some judge tells them they aren’t worthy enough to get married? It’s not even comprehensible. But we are forced to accept this injustice, this fallacy. It’s sickening.

I married a man and was handed a thousand rights on a silver platter. My marriage failed.

And then, I found true love, with a person who truly loves me back. Our relationship is sweet, and sincere, and real, with a deep connection and love that most people only dream of. We are best friends. We are lovers. We are parents. We are partners in every way.

Why was my crappy relationship to a man held up higher than my amazing relationship with a woman?

How is it that I suddenly became a second class citizen, simply because of who I love?

HG and me. Our beautiful relationship deserves to be regarded with respect and honor, and legally recognized. And so I guess, we wait. For what else are we to do? I suppose anything worth having is worth waiting for, but this? Is heartbreakingly hard.

For more information on this outrageous miscarriage of justice, check out some of these sites:

LeLo

Just Out

Blogtown PDX

Willamette Week

Gay Rights Watch

Thank you to my fellow bloggers and the thoughtful posts that you have made on your own blogs.  Beecharmer, Jess,  Witchtrivets. 

What is that I hear?

Why it’s the sound of silence.

The children have left to go be with their father for the next eight days, and the sadness that filled me as I kissed them good-bye was replaced by the strange and amazing sound of nothing. Is it indelicate of me to be silently rejoicing in the absence of any kind of chaos in my home?

And what will I do all week? All alone. In a quiet house? I don’t believe that I will suffer from any ennui whatsoever.

I think I’ll make a list.

Tomorrow. Or maybe the next day.

But for today, I believe I will sit (in my pajamas,) take a bath, wait for my HG to come home from work, and then who knows what may come my way?

It is date night after all.

And I am most certain that I will revel in whatever the evening produces.

It was a Wii kind of day.

Christmas Morning.

Lots of screaming, lots of noise, massive amounts of garbage produced by massive amounts of colorful wrapping paper, carefully chosen, purchased and lovingly placed on packages only to be ripped apart and thrown into a large plastic bag where it will spent eternity not decomposing in a landfill somewhere in southern Oregon.

My mother bought the girls a Wii. My father bought the girls Guitar Hero. They got loads of other stuff brought to them by Santa and us and others.

It was exhausting.

Because my wife is just a little bit on the side of being a tad bit obsessed with neatness; after the present opening extravaganza we went right to work.

Cleaning up.

After that, I was able to spend the next several hours, cooking. And after that, I was able to help clean up again. All total, two meals were prepared, the dishwasher ran several times, we vacuumed twice, four bags of garbage was produced, seven hours of Wii was played (by the children,) and I was completely stressed out.

To make up for my pain?

My wonderful wife gave me wonderful Holiday presents, including:

A Canon Video Camera (not for those kind of videos Limpy)
New slippers (from Ginger and Abby.)
iLife ‘08
iWork ‘08
Digital photography book
And of courses there were the early presents I bought for myself with her credit card.

HG did all right as well. She got an iPod Touch which I must say, I am secretly hoping that she will get tired of so that I can commandeer it when she’s not looking.

All in all. It was a very stressful, busy, and exhausting, but very fulfilling in an insane kind of way kind of day. It’s a lot of work creating positive Holiday memories for your children, and I must say that I am glad it is over for another year.

Next year. I’m simplifying. No tree, one present each, and soup for dinner.

Yeah. Right.

Hope you all enjoyed your holiday, next up . . .

A Week Without Children, and The New Year We Had No Plans.

Is it over yet?

Yes I realize my lameness of posting that I was going to post and then did not. Lame.

It’s been a complete whirlwind, beginning right after I said I was going shopping. I was all set to come home, bake a little, post a little, perhaps take a nap? No. The nap did not happen.

I had my new desk delivered on Christmas Eve. So while my friend from whom I purchased the desk, who works at an office furniture store, put it together, I decided that it was a swell time to move my old desk into DD#1’s room, which meant moving about six dressers around so that all of the furniture matched, which meant moving all of the clothes around into the dressers, which meant cleaning out the girls dressers and getting rid of everything that did not fit, which brought me to time to get dinner started and the girl’s coming home.

Have you ever read that book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?” I would be the mouse. Except I don’t like mice.

Christmas Eve.

A time for peace and harmony, love, tranquility, remembering the birth of Christ. Well, except that Christ wasn’t really born on Christmas Eve, nor was he born in a stable, nor was his mother a virgin, nor was she un-married at the time for if she had been un-married and knocked up one of her relatives would have “honor killed” her by throwing her down a well or stoning her to death.

But I digress.

Rather than having peace and harmony, we had our neighbors and their two children over for dinner as well as my mother and brother. My neighbor, who I didn’t think actually liked me that much, brought us really nice gifts, which was a little surprising but way cool. Our neighbors, are quite religious. The kind who have a cross-shaped wreath on their door and say, “God Bless You,” on their answering machine. I’m pretty sure their republicans, and I’m pretty sure that they think that HG and I are on the fast track to eternal damnation, but hey? They came over for dinner on a religious holiday to share fellowship with us.

Christmas. A time for the lion to lay down with the lamb, and the Christians to have dinner with the lesbians. Who knew?

Coming up next . . .

Christmas morning.

The gifts, the screams, the gasps of joy.

(I promise it won’t be three days.)

Have a Merry Holiday!

On my way to run errands with a mass amount of crazy people who also wait until the last minute.  When I return . . .

“The Pagan Holiday That Christmas became!”

How I got screwed, and it cost me $15,000.00

Spoke to my pastor the other day. Well, I don’t go to church anymore, but she’s still my pastor. She gave me some deep theological advice that she knew to be true about the universe.

She told me, “Shit happens.”

I guess she’s right.

On Tuesday I was on my way to a court hearing and I saw a rainbow in the middle of a rainstorm. I took it to mean that perhaps “the powers that be” were giving me a sign of strength and love and hope for a positive outcome. The court hearing didn’t go my way. The judge ruled by the law, but it still didn’t seem right or fair. I felt that “the powers that be” lied.

But I suppose that shit just happens.

And fair is something you pay on a bus.

The legal aspects of getting a divorce really sucks. Even years later, it still sucks and there is just no getting around all of that. At my hearing I had the opportunity to listen to another hearing prior to ours; the pain, the frustration, the loss of a hope of something that turns into a battle over money and property. To try to discern these battles, a person must wade their way through confusing rituals and rules and regulations that no one really understands, and the only people that win are the lawyers. I have nothing against most lawyers, I realize that their jobs are very difficult and they are working within an imperfect system, it must be daunting holding that kind of responsibility to another person, and I realize that they are human and make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes; those are forgivable. Not attempting to remedy those mistakes, is not forgivable.

Here’s a short little story about mistakes, how the law isn’t fair, and how some lawyers really give other lawyers a really bad name.

Fifteen months ago I had to respond to a summons served on me by my former spouse, and I hired an attorney to represent me. I may have found her in the PDX Gay and Lesbian Yellow Pages, her last name might be O’Reilly, (as in Bill.) Her first name may or may not start with an E, (as in Eileen.) I interviewed her, she seemed quite competent, all was well. We went to court and between the two attorneys, myself and the other party, we decided on terms to settle the dispute. It was read on the record, the terms drawn up by the attorney that was not mine. And that is when the problems began.

I objected to one of the items in the draft document that was not discussed during the hearing and extraneously added after the fact. I noted my objection to this term in writing to my attorney. I followed up with a reminder that I had sent that objection. I didn’t hear anything from her for awhile, I inquired several times (in writing,) regarding the status of the judgment. I was ignored for two months, despite many e-mails and phone calls. When I finally did get in touch with my lawyer she informed me that the judgment had been filed (I had not seen the final copy,) and when I reviewed it, the item that I had objected to was still there. And not only was it still there, it was even more financially exaggerated. I objected again, in writing. She assured me she would look into it. I continued to inquire about this issue, questioning how this happened, asking (demanding) that is be corrected. After fourteen inquiries in writing, including a certified letter, I gave up. It was obvious that my attorney had ignored my case, allowed items to be included that I did not agree to, did not review the document prior to it’s filing, did not allow me to review the document prior to it’s filing, did not sign the document prior to it’s filing, did not communicate my objection to the opposing attorney, did not notify me the status of the filing of the document, and upon realizing these things, ignored me, placated me by telling me she would take care of it, all along hoping I would just go away and forget about it.

I hired a new attorney. My objective was to set aside that issue that I did not agree to, have the paperwork re-drawn reflecting what was actually agreed to and stated that day in court. I wanted nothing more than what we all agreed to that day. Nothing more.

In the meantime, I filed a complaint with the Oregon State Bar Association against my attorney, the proverbial Eileen O’Reilly. In her response to my complaint, Eileen O’Reilly miraculously had a sudden memory of my verbally agreeing to the terms that I had continuously objected to, before and after the filing of the judgment. Suddenly we had long phone conversations regarding this issue where she repeatedly reminded me that I had indeed agreed to said terms that day in court. Suddenly she had notes that had been “in storage” reflecting this said agreement, despite the fact that for six months, she had not mentioned any of this, and I knew it not to be true. So oh, well. She’s now incompetent and a liar. I wasn’t going to worry about it until I had to answer more questions from the Bar, and I knew that I had ample evidence that showed my my continuous, un-relenting position of what it was I had agreed to and my incessant attempts to communicate with her. She hired a lawyer to represent her in the complaint. Okay, that sucks for her, perhaps if she had done her job, and fixed her mistake? Not really my problem. Or was it?

Unbeknownst to me, when one files a complaint against any proverbial attorney, all submitted information regarding the case, regardless of it’s personal nature, becomes a matter of public record. This fact would not have dissuaded me from filing my complaint but imagine my surprise when the attorney for my ex-attorney appeared at my hearing to state that Eileen O’Reilly did not agree with my affidavit to support my motion. Well, duh. If she agreed with my affidavit then she would be admitting that she’s a big fat incompetent liar and who’s going to do that in open court?

The judge heard my request for relief from the judgment and ruled that I was bound to the decisions of my attorney. I am bound to the decisions of my attorney, despite the fact that her lack of attention to my case will cost me in excess of $15,000.00 over the next fourteen years, including what I have paid both of my attorneys.

Shit happens?

I suppose it does.

And that my friends is a little story that is not a fairy tale, and is very unfortunately true. Names were not changed to protect the innocent, because no one who’s name was mentioned is innocent and besides, everything I stated here is a matter of public record.  My hope is that someday I will realize a greater truth and lesson from this confusing, stressful, and anxiety filled ordeal that I have endured for over a year.

No. I’m not bitter. I don’t think all lawyers are bad, just the one I had, and I don’t even think that she is bad, I think she made a mistake. And then she lied.

There are lawyers that I like.

A few of them read this blog. One of them is my nice new lawyer who actually answers my questions and pays attention to my case. I also like several others:

Bill

Al

John Grisham

Duh, the greatest lawyer ever.

And that is all that I have to say about that. I’m putting it behind me, and readying myself for a lovely holiday season with my beautiful family.

Because sometimes shit happens.

And when it does,

make fruitcake.

Just your average Saturday…

• Went to DD#3’s basketball game.

• Took two of the homemakers from the Scary Suburbs out to the lesbian dance in Portland.

• Had a fab dinner at one of our favorite gay-owned restaurants.

• Got my nose pierced by my BFF neighbor’s ex-boyfriend.

• Went to the gay boy bar.

• Went to the fancy strip club, (at the sole request of our straight homemaker friends!)

• Won two round-trip airline tickets to anywhere in the US in the fancy strip club’s holiday raffle drawing.

That is all. Just normal stuff.

Picture…

OLSUII

Friday night is “date night” in the RSG/HG relationship. It’s our time to be together after a busy week of kids, work, homework, basketball practice/games, piano practice, spelling words, school projects, choir practice, 5th Grade Recorder Concerts. You know, typical stuff that we do every single waking hour.

Last night, while I was at DD#1’s basketball game, HG made a wonderful dinner and when I got home, the Christmas lights were on, the fireplace was lit turned on, candlelight shimmering in our pretty house, it was lovely.

After a few glasses of wine, we settled on the couch to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which was quite lovely, although we did debate a bit on the practicality of Building and Loans. I accused HG of sounding a little bit like a republican, but because of the wine, I don’t recall exactly what her issue was. I know I used fancy statements like “the predatory lenders of today,” but really, I digress.

HG brought my computer down so that I could order something on-line that I couldn’t find at the JoAnn Fabric store the other day, (yes, I’m that gay.) After I bought my innocent purchase on JoAnn Fabric’s, I decided to check out the shop that MJ had recommended in the comment section of my last post, (the one about S-E-X.)

Well, let’s just say that Me + Pinot Noir + MacBook + HG’s Mastercard = All sorts of new things arriving in plain brown wrapping the week after Christmas. A few more glasses of wine and I may have opted for express shipping!

This morning HG lectured me on the dangers of OLSUII, and pointed out the 40% off coupon in this morning’s paper for all on-line purchases at JoAnn Fabrics. “See that’s why you don’t drink and shop,” she said. “If you had waited, we could have saved 40%.”

I’m not quite sure where the coupon was for Good Vibrations, but I’m certainly going to search the paper for it . . . for next time of course.

One Way, Bad Way? No Way!

Let’s talk about sex.

Recently, an RSG (let’s call her Jane,) wrote me asking a question about sex. Now, I’m not a sex therapist, but I apparently play one one the internet, so I spent several days trying to come up with a response with the attempt of being helpful.

Her concern was that her partner of two years seems to only be able to orgasm one way; with G-Spot stimulation while being penetrated. She worried that her partner was missing out on clitoral orgasms. She was also concerned that they were getting into a “rut” and that it was “bad” for her partner to only be able to orgasm with only one technique.

I gave this some thoughtful consideration and did what I do best; research.

It is not unusual for a woman to only be able to orgasm one way and it is much preferred over the thousands (millions?) of women who never orgasm at all. Now, my assumption would be that most of those non-orgasming women are of the heterosexual persuasion, but I’m sure there are one or two lesbians in that category. (For all of those women who do not orgasm, I am truly sorry and I beg them to get some help, or a new partner, whichever is easier.)

Although less women orgasm with G-Spot or penetrational stimulation, many women prefer and find it easier to orgasm this way rather than clitoral stimulation. Some women find clitoral stimulation “too much” and often don’t orgasm this way, or if they do, it’s the kind of orgasm that kind of makes your entire body tense up and “hurt” (but in a kind of good way.)

Some women need indirect clitoral stimulation.

Some women need both clitoral stimulation and penetration at the same time.

Some women strongly dislike penetration.

One of the greatest things about having sex with women is that there isn’t the pressure of being “goal oriented.” Men are goal oriented and many women who have/had sex with men realize that there is typically a time restraint on what can be accomplished in the designated amount of time that they have to work with. This is an important mental switch to make when one is now having sex with women.

When women have sex with women, there is less of a goal oriented attitude; it is far more about the intimacy and connection that occurs between you and your partner and less about the end result. If an orgasm happens in your bed, great, but often lesbian sex is far less about “getting there,” and more about the journey.

Because every woman is different and each woman has her own set of preferences, the sex organ that is most important to utilize is the brain. Talk to your partner, spend time just being intimate without the pressure of how/when/where you have an orgasm. Spend time just being together in an intimate way that may or may not include sexual acts. This is a beautiful way to experience your partner, deepen your connection, and will almost always lead to a deeper and more satisfying physical/sexual relationship.

Orgasming only one way is not a bad thing, it just is, and it’s okay.

I advised Jane to spend some quality “intimate, together” time with her partner without the pressure of the orgasm issue. I also pointed her to a website that I found for helpful hints. Additionally, I recommended one of my very most favorite things that every woman should have. They come in all sorts of colors and make a great stocking stuffer! (Just be sure to take out the batteries while traveling, I may or may not know this from personal experience.)

So there you have it, a sex post.

Please feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.