Old programs and old wounds are hard to remove and difficult to heal

Recently I’ve been trying to get the DD’s computer working properly. It was my computer before I got my fancy laptop; it’s only a few years old and has had little use and virtually no files stored on it. Unfortunately the girls download all kinds of crap and attachments and I don’t think my virus protection was strong enough to protect it. Hence; it’s in bad, bad shape right now.

In the past couple of years, I’ve had to teach myself a lot of techie stuff that I never had to deal with before and for the most part, I’ve done okay.

Until now.

DD#2 got a digital camera, and DD#1 got an iPod for Christmas and I really don’t want them constantly on my laptop downloading and uploading or any kind of loading. So, I have been doing my best trying to delete old programs, install new and get rid of the bad stuff on the hard drive. It’s a slow, slow process because the computer doesn’t seem to want to change. It wants to stay in it’s same dysfunctional state, dragging itself, not performing and making all of us miserable.

As I have been repeatedly clicking Add/Remove Programs trying to get the bad stuff deleted and waiting, and waiting, and waiting for it to respond, I started thinking about how much we ourselves are similar to our computers.

New software installs so quickly, so easily, just a couple clicks of the mouse and it’s in; removing it? Doesn’t go so smoothly, it’s resistent, it will keep asking you, “Are you sure you want to delete this program? A program is always easier to install than to remove.

Not unlike ourselves.

It’s easier to gain weight than lose it, or give a compliment rather than receive one. We’re more likely to pick up a bad habit than a good one, and once we do pick up the bad habit, it’s usually very difficult to get rid of it. Kind of like Spyware, or Internet Worms, or Viruses.

For a person who had been in a difficult relationship for many years the brain becomes programmed with all sorts of very negative messages and patterns that are hard to get rid of. There are wounds that were inflicted over a period of many, many years that sometimes never heal; or just when you think they are healed, something, from somewhere, will suddenly rip it open again, exposing you to the same pain that you felt at the moment you received it the first time.

When you’ve been in a difficult relationship with someone who wasn’t very nice to you for a long time, your identity, self-worth and self-esteem gets programmed with doubt and crticism, uncertainty, confusion and craziness. You sometimes re-live that programming when unrelated things or statements from another person altogether will cause that program to operate again. Years later, when you’re no longer in that difficult relationship, and you’re in a good place; it still feels impossible to delete that kind of programming from your brain.

And we don’t come with an Add/Remove Program button.

I think I’ve finally given up on the girl’s computer and I will be forced to admit defeat and drop it off at CompUSA.

I wonder where I can drop off my brain?

Did I miss something?

I just saw this on the news.

Where have I been?

I also saw that W. narrowly missed being sucked up by a tornado at his Crawford Ranch.

Could the two things be related?

Hmmm.

One is the lonelinest number

I believe that one of the very most disturbing feelings in the human experience is feeling alone even when one is amongst other people.  It’s a sad, awful emotion that everyone has unfortunately had to endure in their lives several times.

It’s hard.

And it really sucks.

Merry Christmas Darlings

I wish for all of you love and peace this holiday.

I wish the world peace and harmony, tolerance and acceptance. That all people are able to see others as people just like themselves, without labels of religion, sexuality, race or beliefs.
I wish for George Bush that he will find love and peace in his heart and stop killing thousands of innocent people in the world.

I wish that everyone recognizes the love of God that exists inside of them at every moment of every day, and to also recognize that love in everyone they see.

I have everything that I need in my life; a loving family, beautiful children, a home, a job, two dogs, and the most amazing wife anyone could ever ask for. I wish for nothing for myself except peace and harmony and love within my family and my life.

I wish for all of you that you will find all of the happiness and love that you deserve, for happiness and love is all that matters.

Merry Christmas.

And the countdown begins…

HG has the full blown motherlode of all colds now; but she doesn’t whine nearly as much as DD#1, (or me for that matter…) She’s a trooper and has even agreed to go SHOPPING with me today. Okay, it’s not really shopping in the shopping kind of way; we’re going to buy our Holiday present to eachother, our together present, the one we agreed to buy and not anything else, (except of course from the girls and the dogs, the little things, like underwear.) I’m quite excited and a little anxious, for it will require some hooking up and moving about many wires and connections of all sorts. Luckily for both of us, I’m really butch that way and we should be able to accomplish our task without arguing, (much.)

~~~~~~~~~~

The girls are with their dad this week, which means a lot of alone, quality time for HG and I.

This is an important thing for all couples, but especially newlywed, blended family types like us. Add on recovering from several days of sick children, cold weather, and severe storms that knock out electricity; it’s really a miracle that we even got out of bed today. All relationships takes work to keep connected and we both try to remember to keep eachother at the center of our existence. Plus we need to do our damndest to make sure that we don’t fall into the evil possibility of any kind of lesbian bed death in OUR relationship.

Sick kids, work, bills, relatives, chores, holidays; they all get in the way. So if this site isn’t updated for a day or two… well, you’ll know why!

If the weather clears, we’re going to the mountain to do some skiing; we won’t, however, be mountain climbing, because we’re not that kind of lesbians. We will though, be hopefully hitting some good snow and perhaps enjoying a hot toddy or two in the lodge. Good times.

But today… shopping!

Because I am that kind of lesbian!

Cheers.

How I love ER doctors…

DD#1 was up all night long last night, crying that her ears were hurting her. I was really hoping that we could wait and go to the doctor’s office at 8:30, but at 4:45 in the morning and NO sleep all night, I decided that there was nothing else to do but make an Emergency Room visit.

Now, my mother has been an ER nurse for about a hundred years and I know better than to ever use the ER for anything BUT an emergency; I felt that I had no choice.

It was a good choice.

We live in a small town, with another small town adjacent to us that happens to have a brand new hospital. We went there, didn’t wait at all, and she was seen right away. The nice doctor said that her ears were terribly infected, gave her a first dose of anti-biotic and pain medicine.

YES!

She was able to sleep when we got home, which meant Mommy was able to sleep as well. After some throwing up, some more crying, and us figuring out just how much and with how much food she needed for her the medicine, she was feeling much better.

By 5:00 this afternoon, she was a new kid.

My beautiful wife took care of the girls while I got some sleep this morning, even helping DD#1 when she was puking. She’s such an amazing mom. Did I ever mention how much she rocks? She took the little girls out to dinner and left the sick girls (DD#1 and I,) with soup and tv and backgammom games. While I was eating my soup, DD#1 was on my computer. A little while later, I checked my e-mail, and found an e-mail from her with a PowerPoint presentation attached. I converted it to JPG so I could show the world how amazing my child is…

It really made my heart swell when I read it, she’s a great kid, even if she whines a lot sometimes and talks back to me!  I’m so grateful that she is feeling better, especially because tomorrow she goes to her dad’s until Sunday.

*Keeping fingers crossed the little girls don’t get it!*

It seems the motherlode of all cold’s drama is coming to it’s end.

And it’s on to the pre-Christmas week…I may be able to survive after all!

If only someone could squeeze my head

Does anyone miss Sudafed as much as I do?

I’m sorry, but that stuff that they replaced the sudephedrine with doesn’t work worth a damn.  I don’t think it works at all, it sucks, and I would do anything for those little red pills that would guarantee me a little bit of sinus pressure relief.

Damn meth-addicts.

The motherlode of all colds is not improving by much.  Today at least I could swallow and get off of the couch a little, which was good because I had wifely and motherly duties to complete.  I needed to disinfect the germ ridden house, the girls had their chores to do, I had to go to the store, make homemade chicken soup, and most importantly, DD#3 had to see Santa.  I dragged my sick ass out to see Santa, and believe it or not, it was a good trip.

We have a lovely Christmas Tree Farm and gift store in our town, and on the weekends, Santa is nice enough to come out and greet the children and hear their wishes.  DD#2 and 3 were able to sit on his lap and tell him what they wanted…Heelies for both of them, and DD#3 wants a pink Nintendo DS.

Mission accomplished.

After Santa, I made a necessary trip to the liquor store, (Brandy for my hot toddies…) came home, made dinner and watched a horrible movie that the girls wanted me to rent for them.  DD#1 was sick, sick, sick all day; crying and complaining, (no idea where she get’s that from.)  HG entertained her while I was out by teaching her how to play Blackjack, (an important skill for any 12 year old.)  Later, while we were watching the horrible movie she said that her ear, which had been hurting, was “leaking.”  Yes, my daughters eardrum apparently ruptured and of course I feel like the worlds worse mother for not taking her in earlier to have it checked.  Luckily my pediatrician’s office is open for a short time tomorrow, and I will probably be able to get her in to be seen, and possibly redeem myself.

Tomorrow. Is. Another. Day.

I’ve already called in sick.  I don’t think that anyone wants their Glamorous Waitress coughing and sneezing in their Salmon with Lemon Chive Cream sauce. Plus, I don’t want to leave my sick wife with my sick child all night plus two more non-sick children who will probably bug her to play Life and Scrabble and read books all evening.  No, I think I would like to stay married.

The rain fell, the wind blew, trees fell…

It was a scary big storm!

It rained like crazy, the wind blew down our basketball hoop and our porch swing.

Our damn power went out, (luckily it was only for four hours.)

Our Duck Bus plans with fellow Portland Bloggers were cancelled,

HG and I BOTH caught DD#1’s illness, and it’s not just a little illness; it’s the motherlode of colds. So severe that all of my Christmas Party plans for the weekend will not be occurring, the new blouse I bought will not be worn!

And then it hailed, tonight it’s freezing and may snow tomorrow.

But.

I’m very thankful that our power was restored, no trees fell on our house, and if I have to be sick, at least I get to be sick with my beautiful wife, (and she isn’t even the least bit crabby…just as long as I don’t talk to her…)

It should be a fun weekend, filled with tissues, tea, Lifetime TV and probably I’ll whine a little.

Wish us luck.

Go tell it on the mountain

But please stay off of Mt. Hood or other snowy passages of Oregon.

It’s Winter here in the Northwest, and for those of us in the valley it means a whole hell of a lot of rain, dreary skies, and wind. We deal. We wear rainjackets with hoods and sensible shoes that are water resistant at the very least. We do not carry umbrellas however, for umbrellas are for Californian’s who have relocated here.

We go to the mountain to ski, we carry chains, we stay on the main roads. We frolic in the white, wintery cold and come home to our warm, wet houses in the valley.

With that said,

Attention.People.From.Other.States.

If you want to come here, please do as the Oregonians do.

Stay on the main roads, don’t take short-cuts through mountain ranges, and for God’s sake, can’t you mountain climb in JUNE?

It’s the same mountain, just less snowy, and if you get hurt or lost, rescuers might have a chance in finding you.

I just watched a press conference from the families of the lost climbers on Mt. Hood. It’s horribly sad and I am hoping that they are able to find those three men alive and returned to their families very, very soon. Weather today does not look promising for searchers as we are getting dumped with rain and snow today, send good vibes to those men and to the brave people who are looking for them.

Portland Bloggers are hoping for a clear in the weather as well, but for a much different reason. Tonight, LeLo has arranged for 18 Portland Bloggers and their guests to go on a very cool Holiday lights tour.

It’s the Duck Bus! We will be travelling by land and by sea river cruising the Willamette River wiht a spectacular view of the Portland Christmas Ships.

I’m really looking forward to it, but sometimes I get a little shy when I meet bloggers in person . . .

I’m sure there will be pictures, stay tuned.

Born Gay, Turned Gay

While DD#1 was home sick today, we were hanging out on the couch watching The Real World, which by all accounts is not an appropriate show for a 12 year old girl, but it does have some very teachable moments if shared with a parent.

For instance, in today’s episode a young, buff, white, gay boy from Georgia got shitfaced drunk and started picking a fight with a very large, very large, very buff, black guy. The young, white, gay boy from Georgia then proceeded to call the very large black guy the “N” word.

Not a smart move. That boy was damn lucky that he didn’t get the living hell beat out of him.

Teachable moment. Getting shitfaced: bad idea. Makes you do stupid things.

DD#1 filled me in that the young gay boy from Georgia comes from a religious family who tried to “change” him by sending him to programs through the church. I told her that those things don’t work, most gay people are born gay, and that’s just the way they are.

She said, “You weren’t born that way, you turned gay.”

Teachable moment #2.

I don’t believe that I “turned gay.” I think people can “turn gray,” but that’s why God invented haircolor.

But it began me thinking…

Does the idea/fact of being born gay make it okay for people who would otherwise not think homosexuality is okay? Do homophobes and religious people think that if someone is born gay they can’t help themselves and therefore they are able to accept it?

Why isn’t being gay okay, no matter how someone determines their sexuality?

Why do we have to find a reason that people are gay and can’t just accept people for who they are and who they choose to love, and if for some people, it is a choice, why do some people consider it a bad choice?

My personal belief about a person’s sexuality is that it just doesn’t matter how or when or why a person decides to fall in love with another person. There doesn’t need to be a label or determination or a choice, or a birthright; we just are who we are, at the time, until further notice.

I had a nice chat with Texan in Kuwait the other evening when my bitch Kami drunk dialed me for the second time in three days. TIK said something to the effect of, “If you limit yourself to just one gender, you’re eliminating 50% of the people out there you could have a relationship with.”

It’s a great idea, (for the straight girls…)

Hey, I did the guy thing for the first half of my life, I’ll stick to women for the rest of it. For I believe that my own coming out can be more acurately described as an awakening.

I woke up.

From a bad fucking dream of being heterosexual.

But that’s just me.