Random Thoughts for the Weekend

It’s Friday, always a bittersweet day.  Cool because HG and I get some alone time as the girls go their dad’s house.  Not cool, because it begins my work week at my glamorous waitressing job; yuck.  Friday is always our date night and tonight we have a movie planned, (Running With Scissors,) and probably some dinner, I would assume.

Our week is soooo busy with the girls and their endless activities and obligations, we often have dinner out once or twice a week.  This week, however, I managed to actually plan ahead and cooked every meal.

Every single one.

Made every breakfast, packed every lunch, prepared every dinner (by scratch, nothing boxed, bottled, or canned…)

Yeah me.

Tonight, we WILL be going out, because hell, I deserve it.

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New Jersey.

It looks as though New Jersey is going to be more progressive than Oregon with the recent ruling that legislatures have six months to grant gay couples equal rights.

New Jersey.

Home of Tony Soprano, New Jersey,

is going to give gay couples equal rights, but tree hugging Oregonians voted to disallow gay marriage and define marriage between one man and one woman.

It seems like a ripple in the time/space continuum, doncha think?

New Jersey.

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On Wednesday, I taught my twelve year old daughter to shave her legs.

She was TERRIFIED of cutting herself, so I did the entire first leg for her.  She started getting the hang of it after a little while and had about six-thousand questions all about leg-shaving for HG and I all evening long.  (That child can TALK.)

I wanted to take a picture, but she would not let me.  She said, “No.  You’ll put it on your blog.”

I would have.

Now don’t be all up in my business saying that she’s too young, I don’t want to hear it.  It’s her body, and if she feels self-concious of her legs and wants to shave, who the hell am I to say no?   Disclaimer: I do draw the line on tatoos and weird body piercings, for now…

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HG and I voted today.  Here in Oregon, we may not allow two people who love each other to get married, but we do vote by mail, (eliminates the issue of voting machines,) yeah us.

Luckily we received a VERY informative voters guide from VoteEquality, A Project from Basic Rights Oregon.

Anyone who’s not sure about who to vote for, and cares about equal rights, should most definitely check this out.  Running for the Oregon Supreme Court is, Virginia Linder, who will be the first openly gay woman on the high court, yeah her!

Hopefully she will help out with that pesky little discrimination thing.

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I played soccer yesterday with DD#2’s team, (it was the parent/kid game.)  I usually try to sit those things out, because A.  I’m not athletic, and B.  I don’t like to breathe hard or sweat unless it’s for a good cause, (hmm, hmm.)

I actually managed to kick the ball once or twice and then pulled a very assertive move foul that resulted in tripping one of the Dad’s on the other team.  Too bad it wasn’t XH, who was also there, but still fun nonetheless.

Interestingly enough, XH and I were actually playing on the same team.

First time THAT’S happened in a long time…

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And that, my blogging friends from the Internet, is it.

Oh.

Two last things:

1.  Those of you who have Blogger.  I can’t comment.  Would like to, can’t cuz Blogger is a Whore.

2.  Kristine, Syd, somebody.  Will you please help me to change my template?  Or  actually, I’ll send you my password, you can do it for me.  Just pick something, I trust you.  I’m just sick of my plain Jane template and I can’t figure out for the life of me how to do it.  I’ve tried, believe me, don’t give me steps, at this point I just need someone to do it FOR me.

Whining over, have a great weekend!

If the ring fits,

Oh, but it doesn’t.

Dissapointingly enough, we received HG’s illegal-wedding ring today just to find that it does not fit.

Damn.

Ross, the nice man at Love and Pride, is doing everything that he can to get us the custom size in time for our trip, but I must say that I am not overly hopeful.

What is a soon-to-be-illegal-bride to do?

I suggested that we buy her a temporary ring, but she wouldn’t hear of such a thing. So it looks like we either get the ring in time or HG gets married, sans ring.

So dissapointing, so sad, so not like I planned.

Perhaps Ross will come through for us?

Not to mention that our tidy ten day trip is turning complicated. It doesn’t look like our dog Abby is going to be able to stay with my Mom at her new house due to the fact that her yard is not completely fenced and we are terrified that she will freak out, (she’s lke that,) and run away.

The last thing that we want to do is return from our illegal-honeymoon to find that we are short one dog. The only alternative is to take her to the nice lesbian dog kennel and board her the entire time. Poor Abby.

Of course we don’t need to worry a thing about Ginger, as she will be well take care of having the time of her life with her bio-sister and her moms.

But alas, bumps in the road will not deter us from our goal, and yes there will be pictures!

Not looking for love…

In January of this year, I did something a little dangerous, a little daring. I placed an online personal ad on Just Out Personals, a local gay and lesbian publication website. Placing any kind of personal ad, let alone an online personal ad, was something I had not ventured into doing in my newly single life. I envied and admired the people who placed personal ads, and wondered about the interesting people that they might meet.

I wasn’t looking for love, but I was lonely. As a new lesbian, I was stuck in the middle of a strange place; no longer in a relationship with my girlfriend, not fitting in to my old straight life, not fitting in to my new lesbian life. I had a few friends from both lives, but I still didn’t feel like I “fit.” I needed to meet people, to branch out, to discover who I was, to adventure to new places. I was free and I needed to exert my freedom and no longer be stuck in the restraints of control by anyone… not an abusive (ex) husband, not a mentally unstable, jealous girlfriend; I needed to let go.

I stepped out of my comfort zone; the familiar ness of my home, my children, my suburban town of ten years. I was living on the edge, I placed an ad. “Looking to expand my circle of friends,” it said. I was honest on my profile, I chose pictures that were just me, I explained myself, who I was, what I was looking for. Why not? I wasn’t looking for love, just some new people to maybe hang out with once in awhile; other lesbians who would help me to connect with my people, help me to continue to figure out who I was.

By the next day, I had received a few e-mails. It was a good ego boost, it was exciting, it was interesting, I was nervous that whoever answered would miss the “friends only” stipulation on my ad and want something more. I knew I couldn’t give more; I had issues, and baggage and loose strings. I had nothing to offer anyone.

A woman answered my ad that caught my attention. Not by her pictures or even her profile, but by her response to me. She was polite, she was flattering, but not overly so, she was obviously intelligent and articulate and her profile said that she was only looking for friends as well. Seemed safe enough; I wrote back. We had pleasant e-mail conversation, nothing suggestive, but the kind of small talk that two people make when they are getting to know each other. I gave her my IM address and we chatted until late in the evening. I continued to be candid and honest, taking time to be sure I wasn’t giving off any hint of romantic interest; I couldn’t do that, (issues, baggage, loose strings, nothing to offer.) We shared our war stories of our very recent break-ups with our respective girlfriends and all of the dyke drama attached. We were becoming friends.

On January 16th, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, we met in person for the first time. It was for coffee, at Starbucks; that would be innocent enough. I was early and sat down to wait for her. I saw a Subaru pull in to the parking lot and knew right away that it was my new friend. We were in Lake Oswego after all, who else would be driving a Subaru but a visiting lesbian? The first time I saw her I thought that she was really cute, even though I wasn’t going there, (issues, baggage, loose strings.) She was so cute that I thought that maybe I could fix her up with one of my friends, do a little matchmaking, when she was ready. I bought her a coffee and we had more pleasant conversation, (or rather, I had pleasant conversation, she listened to my continuous rambling.) We made plans together for that weekend, friends only of course and later I wrote a polite thank you e-mail apologizing for talking too much. I hoped that she didn’t think I was a complete weirdo and never want to hang out with me again due to my overactive chatter. She seemed okay with it and we continued to e-mail and chat throughout the week.

I was certain that I had no romantic interest in her, but I couldn’t stay away from my computer waiting for e-mails or IM’s. I stayed up late, late, late at night chatting with her, barely surviving on a few hours of sleep because she entertained me so.

I was certain that I had no romantic interest in her, but the day before we were getting together, I went shopping and bought a new outfit, and spent $72.00 on new perfume.

I was certain that I had no romantic interest in her, but that day, I decided to cut my hair, (myself,) and do major amounts of grooming a primping.

I was certain that I had no romantic interest in her, but I had butterflies in my stomach when I was driving to the restaurant to meet her.

And even though I was certain that I had no romantic interest in her, as soon as I walked in to the bar where we were meeting, and as soon as I slid into the booth across from her, I was no longer certain that I had no romantic interest in her.

She took my breath away.

I let her talk this time, and we had a lovely time before heading out to meet some friends at a Portland lesbian get-together. I suggested we drive together and then proceeded to nearly rear-end someone on Front Street. As I slammed on the brakes, I did the usual Mom thing of throwing out my arm across her to protect her from the impending crash, because certainly my arm was much more protection than the seatbelt and airbag. She told me later that it was at that moment, when I touched her for the first time, that she knew that she loved me.

We danced together and danced around the subject all evening, but by the end of the night, we, and everyone else knew what was going on. The energy that was between us was explosive, igniting, and so thick that strangers could feel it. We knew we were on the same page and we went with it. It was surprising, amazing and wonderful. Since that day, we have spent nearly every day and night together, building our friendship, discovering our love and making a life together for ourselves and our family.

In two weeks, we will make a commitment to each other on an Olivia cruise in Hawaii where we will pledge our love and life together. And when the moment arrives for me to slip a ring on her finger, I will say a special prayer of gratitude.

To her ex-girlfriend for breaking up with her, to Al Gore for inventing the internet, and to Just Out for designing a personals section that just happened to make all of my dreams come true.

No, I’m not pregnant

So why does HG have her hand on me like that?

We don’t know, but besides me looking hugely fat, I liked this picture.

Less than three weeks until we go on our get-illegally-married-vacation.  Hopefully the earthquakes will be over by then…

I am…

A Mother

24 hours a day.
To a girl who just turned 12 and wants to shave her legs
And went to her first dance and has a boy that she likes.

A Partner

To a woman who really loves me with all of her heart and soul.
Who is sometimes haunted by fears from the past that creep up behind her.
Who is soft and gentle and kind and full of devotion.

A Daughter

To two very different people who value me for different reasons.
Who instilled in me values and taught me about love,
Dysfunctional as it may have at times been.

A Friend

To many, and in the past, too many.
Who has always tried to grant forgiveness
And who has always been loyall, even though that loyalty has not always been reciprocated.

A Woman

Who is beautiful in my own way.
Who has a heart that is fragile
And a mind that takes everything with seriousness and contemplativeness.

A Lesbian

Who loves loving and relating to women.
Who finally figured out who she was,
And tries to be authentic.

My Own Enemy

Who judges myself with harsh contempt
Who doesn’t think I’m good enough and can’t do anything right.
Who doubts myself and my devices and my judgements and wonders what is wrong with me.

Me

Who is not perfect,
Who has flaws, who fails.
Who sometimes drinks too much, eats too much, talks too much.
Who is outspoken and passionate,
Who has issues, and loose strings, and baggage.
Who struggles with anxiety
And depression
But tries hard, and works hard, each and every day.

Working
To try to be better and be the best that I can be,
Today and always,
Forever.

Now I can’t read the paper

It’s just a few weeks until election day, and in Oregon, today is the last day that you are eligible to register to vote, (although my question would be, “Why aren’t you registered already?” Oregonians are time and money savers and we vote entirely by mail. Sure saves the issues of dangling chads and long lines at the polls, and also gives everyone in Oregon NO excuse to not vote. If you have the flu, or are having a kidney removed, or your girlfriend broke up with you…no excuses, just mail that sucker in as soon as you get it. The only thing that would make it easier would be if we could vote by e-mail, or if they already stamped the ballot for us. Hmmm, something to think about.

This year we have very few issues to deal with; no gay marriage, no physicians-assisted suicide (althought it’s now being called physicians-assisted death,) and I thought that our gubernatorial race was a no brainer.

Our incumbant governor, Ted Kulongoski, is certainly not the most dynamic governor we’ve ever had, he kind of reminds me of someone’s kind of dorky dad who wears slippers and flannel pajamas but he stands on a solid platform that reflects the values of most Oregonians. He’s pro-choice, pro-education, pro-healthcare, pro-environment, pro-people.

The yahoo that is running against him, Ron Saxton, is none of those things and openly advertises his ignorance, racisms, and hatred for the working poor. He’s oppossed to raising the minimum wage, for criminally prosecuting illegal immigrants, and thinks that teachers should be paid by merit. (Obviously he’s never been a teacher in a poor community teaching a classroom of “not-so-bright” children.) And although he does not address it on his website, he is anti-choice and anti-gay rights. And as strong as he comes accross as being oppossed to migrant labor, he himself employed illegal immigrants and provided sub-standard housing for them on his farm years ago. Can you say hypocrite?
Of course, I won’t be voting for him, because as a woman, a mother, a lesbian, and a feminist I don’t vote against my best interests. I also do not support businesses or companies that support those who are against my best interests and I attempt to be conscientious about such things. Imagine my disappointment yesterday when I heard that Oregon’s liberal newspaper has endoresed that yahoo for governor.

And now I can’t read the paper.

Interestingly enough, I had just subscribed to The Oregonian, and HG and I have enjoyed reading the paper in the morning together while having our coffee, (okay, HG would read the paper, I would read the ads and the fluff, but she would fill me in…) But this morning, I will be calling and cancelling my subscription. Too bad for them I guess, and I really, really hope that others will do the same.

Change starts with one person, and we all must do our part.

The only other important political issue on our ballot this year is the Yes on 43 bill, which would require parental notification for girls 15-18 seeking an abortion. Although on the surface it might seem like a good idea, it’s not. This bill would hurt the poorest and most vulnerable teens in our state and delay their medical care. They would be more likely to go to another state to receive their abortion or more likely to delay care, causing an increase in second trimester abortions. The current law in this state is that any teen, 15-18 is able to acquire medical care, (including cosmetic surgery, tonsilectomy, etc,) without parental consent. Measure 43 is singling out abortions and does not take in to consideration rape, incest or abuse without the young woman being forced to go through the court system. It’s appalling. Government cannot make a law that forces family communication, only families can do this, and if that is not the case in a young woman’s family, she needs to be able to obtain safe, legal medical care.

More on No on 43 here.

Well it’s time to step down from my political soapbox now.

My ex-best friend from high school who I haven’t talked to in two years because I’m a lesbian has just called me on the phone.

More on that later…

Ciao y’all.

Crashing, not sleeping

It’s 2:00 AM.

Why am I awake, you ask?

No, it is not insomnia.  I’m not sick, and I didn’t just have the kind of sex that amps you up instead of making you sleepy.  I didn’t do any drugs, I’m not into a tv show; it’s much scarier than all of that.

I have six little girls, other than the ones I gave birth to, in my house, spending the night.

It’s DD#1’s birthday party, (one of them,) and she wanted to invite friends over to go ice skating, hot tubbing and sleep over.  So HG and I loaded up two cars, drove them downtown to the ice rink, (the one in the same ice rink that Tanya Harding skates at,) and we skated.  Yes, I got my old ass on ice skates and we skated.  It was quite fun actually, except when a teenage boy asked one of the girls for her phone number.  Hello?  She’s 12!  Needless to say, HG had some STRONG words for him and told him to stay the hell away from our girls.

The car ride home.  Hmmm.  Imagine yourself driving SEVEN 12 year old girls, most of whom have cell phones and are using them to call the other four 12 year old girls in the other car.

Then there was the singing.  Need I say more?

We managed to get home, they hot tubbed, they were LOUD, and then they made their way into the family room, (which is upstairs next to our bedroom,) where they have proceeded to laugh, talk, (loudly,) say SHHHH a lot and generally have a good time.

Here’s where I come in.

I can’t seem to go to sleep knowing that they are awake.  So I left HG in our bed asleep, (I had to drug her with Xanex due to the overwhelming stress of being around all of these pre-teen girls,) and here I sit contemplating my day today.

My day, today, which began early this morning and included the middle part of my day, which brought a new “crashing” experience in my life.

No, I didn’t take a nap.

I got into a car accident for the first time in my life.  And not only did I get into a car accident for the first time in my life, but it was entirely my fault.

And not only was it my fault, but the car that I managed to hit?

Was a fucking Jaguar.  And not a crappy Jaguar, a nice Jaguar.  A nice Jaguar that now has a smashed in grill and dented up hood, due to my stupidity.

Stupid as I was, I have to say, that I was in a difficult position, made a quick decision, and it turned out to be the wrong one.  It’s just too bad that the lady’s damn car sits so damn low to the ground that I couldn’t see it in my rear-view mirror when I had to suddenly back up to avoid being hit by an oncoming truck that was going to hit me because a dumbass in a green Subaru blocked the middle lane that was NOT his turning lane.

Did you get all that?

Neither did HG when I tried to explain it to her.  She said that we’ll need to print out a map of the area with my diagram so we can fax it to the insurance guy.

After I exchanged info with the Jaguar lady, I called HG and cried hysterically.  Of course the only thing she cared about was whether or not I was okay, (I was.)  She said I was pretty damn lucky to be 37 years old and had never been in an accident, and if I was going to run into someone, it may as well be a Jaguar, because really, why hit a Hyundai, when you can hit a Jag?

Even luckier for me, HG and I recently put our auto insurance policies together (on hers,) and we have the GOLD Package which gives us accident forgiveness once per year.  That’s forgiving, for SURE.

And so.  I must say that I do believe that today was an even bigger day than yesterday, and yesterday was certainly big.  I do hope that this doesn’t mean that tomorrow will be an even bigger day,because I’m not quite sure how much big I’ll be able to take considering I’ll probably only get about four hours of sleep.

Hey.  Speaking of sleep, I don’t hear any more giggling.

Is it possible?

I think it might be.

Praise Be.  I think I can go to bed.

Goodnight

Come out, come out wherever you are…

Today is National Coming Out Day!

Come on out, it’s nice out here.  Don’t hide anymore, be free…..

Thanks to Maidink for the heads up.

Lubed, poked, proded, rubbed, puffed, and dialated

and that will be $400.00 please…

That’s what happened to me today.

It just so happened that I somehow scheduled my annual coochie check and my once-every-five-years-because-I-lost-my-reading-glasses eye appointment check on the same today. Today, in fact.

All went well, except for the remarks about how I was getting close to 40 from both doctors, (I could have done without that…) Dr. Coochie hooked me up with all of my necessary prescriptions and e-mailed them to Costco, which incidentally was where I was getting my eye exam. She assured me that I didn’t have a herniated disk, (I was concerned,) and that I wasn’t crazy, (that’s debatable,) I didn’t need a pneumonia vaccine, but I did need a flu shot, (it hurt.) She said to take otc motion sickness medicine for my upcoming get-illegally married adventure instead of the patch, (I’m a little concerned about this…) Overall, it was all very helpful, and because I don’t have health insurance, I needed to get all of my routine maintenance out of the way in one trip, (I did.)

Then I was off to Costco for my eye exam and to pick up my prescriptions. Of course, after Dr. Eye put those dog awful eye dialating drops in my eyes, I couldn’t see a damn thing and had to try to pick out new frames nonetheless. Who know what they look like? I couldn’t see A THING! I guess I’ll find out in seventeen business days, not including holidays or weekends, and keep my fingers crossed that I don’t look like Sally Jessy Raphael.

Prescriptions at Costco are cheap, cheap, cheap. I was amazed, but considering I couldn’t see, I very possibly just saw the prices incorrectly. The worst part about not being able to see, and being at Costco, is that I couldn’t shop. I don’t think I’ve ever left Costco without shopping for something, (prescriptions don’t count…)

And after all of that… I made a lovely dinner that Racheal Ray helped me with, went to DD#1’s parent/teacher conferences, (she’s getting all A’s,) and joined my family at the Scary Suburbs High School Girls Soccer game, which was all ready in progress. THEN, we piled in the car, after walking home from the game and went to three friend’s houses to BOO them. If you all don’t know what that is, it’s a super fun thing to do in your neighborhood, kids love it because they get to ding-dong-ditch their friends and leave a little treat behind all stealth like. There’s plenty of time before Halloween, try it.

Just a few things left to do before I go to sleep, and I can’t write about THAT here, being that my blog is all G rated and shit…

Ciao y’all.

Oh, and I can’t be held responsible for mis-spelled words today, I still can’t see very well…

Re: Power of Prayer

My good friend Kami, recently experienced some losses in her life. She wrote a post about prayer and God, and I started to leave her a long comment, when I decided I should probably address it here instead, (so I can get on a soapbox on my own damn blog.)

I have only once or twice wrote about my religious and spiritual beliefs, and although it’s important to me, I’m so settled about the issue, I don’t feel a need to process it. But I guess before I go any further, I should probably let y’all know just where I stand and what I believe, (so you can stop reading if you want!)

I beleive in one power in the universe, just one, and that’s the power of God. Just like there isn’t two kinds of electricity, one that gives you light and one that shocks you; there is only one power and that power is good.

I believe that human beings are created in God’s image; not a physical image, but a spiritual image. God is not human, God is only spiritual. Because we are created in God’s image, we are all like God, but having a human experience.

Kami asked why God would take a baby from it’s parents. Why would God take innocent Amish girls, why would God take her cousin?

The answer is (I believe,) that God did not do that. Those things happened as a part of our human experience on this earth, and the reason that we sometimes can’t understand why things happen is because we are looking at things through our human perspective, not a spiritual one.

It’s a difficult concept, but the spiritual part of us has no attachments to “others” or to “things.” That spiritual part of our humaness is what God is, and God only knows love and compassion. The concept of God is simply the concept of our spiritual selves and “God” does not take people away, or ignore our prayers. God only sees the spiritual part of us, and we, with practice can try to see everything spiritually in our human existence as well.

Some believe that before we come to this human life, we are able to see our human life and how it will unfold. We make a contract with those in our lives, (parents, husbands, wives, children,) to be with them during the human existence. We don’t have any “attachment” to our humaness, because in our spiritual state, we only know ourselves in that way. Our spiritual selves knows that the human existence is just a small learning part of our entire existence we don’t have any attachments to it, or to any “one” or “thing.” Human pain, human suffering, human disspointments, are all just that, human, not spiritual.
As humans, we feel sad, and scared, and lonely. All of those emotions are human emotions and they are based in fear. God doesn’t know fear, because God knows only love. Fear and love can’t exist in the same place, just like lightness and darkness cannot. God doesn’t ignore prayers made in fear, God just isn’t able to recognize them.

Try looking at any tragedy simply from a loving, compassionate, and spiritual perspective. Seperate the human attachments, and human emotions and it will appear differently. Sometimes this isn’t possible, based on where person might be at the time, but with practice, it is possible and believe it or not, it makes accepting horrible things a little easier to bear.

I’ve learned a lot in my life, and I always come back to God, and to spirit and to love. I may wonder off my path here and there, but I always remember who I truly am and try to see others and this experience in the same way. Life may not always be easy, or fair; but I don’t think it’s suppossed to be. It’s suppossed to teach you to always remember to love, no matter what, and keep you attached to your source.

So that was my comment to Kami. A little longwinded but I felt compelled. And just so y’all don’t think I just made all this shit up in my head, I will give some linky’s to some of the teachers and influences that I have learned from over the years:

Marianne Williamson

The Unity Church of Christianity

A Course in Miracles

Ciao. Amen.