100

Posted under Family by Recovering Straight Girl

Degrees it was yesterday but I am not complaining. I would rather it be 100 than 60 and I would certainly rather 100 than 40, which is what it was when we were camping over the 4th of July. So the weekend it was cold, we went camping in the mountains. The weekend that it is hot, we’re camping nearer the valley. Camping=Fail. Either way, I love the camping and I love the summer so I’m happy.

I’m starting to think I would really like to move to a warmer climate. I’m saying this coming off of nearly ten months of weather that required a sweater or a jacket with only occasional breaks. This causes me to wonder if perhaps I am getting terribly old? I don’t want to run off to Florida or anything–just maybe northern California. Unfortunately the glich in my plan is that my family and my childrens father are here in Oregon and unless they are all planning on moving with us, it’s pretty much a no go. But I like to think about it. Each season brings with it the good and the not as good, highs and lows, love and loss.

My girls’ grandmother passed away yesterday. She had been ill for many years but I always thought that she would eventually get better. She did not. From what I know, she was quite sick at the end and it pains me to think of anyone going through that process of knowing that death is just around the corner but not quite knowing what it looks like. When I think of her, I try to imagine her being comforted and dotted on by her mother, who I know was by her side the entire time and probably when she slipped from this life into the next realm. Even though a child should not die before her children, there is something amazing about being there the moment someone comes into this world and then ushering that person out of the world as well. Death comes to all of us and it is natural as being born–it can be just as beautiful and doesn’t need to be a scary, dark or horrible time. I’m trying to help my girls through this and day by day and eventually they will be able to process their loss. I feel for their father and hope that he is taking care of himself at this time–I know that he doesn’t handle this type of thing very well and I hope that he can find some peace and love as he journeys through. He won’t know how to talk to the girls about this so I’m glad that they have three other parents to pick up and help him out but he will also need to make his own way. I wish him well.

Yesterday I was sitting in my ex’s wife’s car talking to her about this situation and planning out the weekend since their father is away. It just seemed so normal to be doing this–to be collaborating on what is best for the girls and who would be taking care of them which day, etc. I was telling my BFF Neighbor Judy about the conversation when she interrupted me and said, “How can you do that?”

I looked at her and said, “Do what?”

“Sit and talk to her, knowing that she says terrible things about you.”

I don’t know why I am why I am. No one taught me to be this way–I just am. I’m probably forgiving to a fault and I don’t hold grudges. I’m happy to give a person a pass on causing me pain in some way and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  My ex and his wife care for our children 40% of the time. They love them. It doesn’t matter what has happened between he and I, the girls need parents who try to get along and communicate–for their benefit and for ours. Sometimes one or the other of us may be the only one trying to do that, but I hope that I will always try to be above pettiness and think about what is best for my girls.

More than anything, I want to be a better person and know that at the end of my life, I will not be on my deathbed wishing I had been nicer and more forgiving when I had the chance. I hope that will be the case.