It’s a Lezzie Meme

My sweet blog friend Erin tagged me for a lezzie meme. She’s a teacher and seeing how I’m a student these day–I can’t disobey her orders.

Are you sure of your sexual orientation? Or are you confused? I’m very, very sure and was only confused for about a week before I wasn’t confused anymore.

Are you open with your sexuality? Or is it a secret? I’m very OUT and OPEN with everyone. Absolutely everyone.

Who was the 1st person you told that you’re a lesbian? I don’t really remember, but probably my first girlfriend. After that, my Mother.

Is your hair short, medium, or long? Short and curly and right now, unruly.

Would you ever shave your head? No, unless I or someone I loved was going through chemo. I would do it then for support and solidarity.

Do you own anything with the Gay Rainbow on it? Sure, lots of things.

Do you consider yourself a Stud, Androgynous, or Femme? I’m a studly Femme!

What type of females are you most attracted to? I’m attracted to many different types of ladies of all different sizes, shapes, colors and looks. All women are beautiful!

What FAMOUS Lesbian is your favorite? Tammy Lynn Etheridge–I heart her.
She and I would be friends I think if we could meet under “normal” circumstances.

Do you like watching The L Word? Yes, it’s a family favorite.

What is your favorite lesbian movie? I don’t know that I really have one. I enjoy lots of different GLBTQ based movies but the one that impacted me the most was “For the Bible Tells Me So.”

Do you have any Pride tattoos? If not, would you ever get one? No, and No. I don’t have any tattoos, if I ever got one it would be one that was very significant to me–something I would be happy to have on my body forever.
Maybe a picture of HG?

Do you go to Gay/Lesbian clubs? Yes, as often as my wife will go dancing with me! I love lezzie dancing, I love being around other GLBTQ people, I love just being free and a little bit wild from time to time!

Would you ever be a Drag King? (If you’re not already) No, not a Drag King. Maybe a Drag Queen–is that allowed?

What name would you go by if you did do Drag? Anna Fontana.

Have you ever been mistaken for a Male? Never.

Would you ever have a sex change to become a Male? Never.

How do you feel about Homophobia? It sucks.

How do you feel about Gays/Lesbians having children?  The same way I feel about straight people having children.

If it were legal, would you marry another Female? Yes, and I hope to as soon as it is legally possible.

Have you ever attended a Gay Pride Festival? Yes! It’s so fun!

Do you wear make-up? Yes, I wear Bare Escentuals, and I love them!

Do you carry a wallet – or a purse? Purse and wallet.

Do you wear Male clothes?  Never. Boy’s Clothes are meant for Boys.

Do you prefer wearing cologne instead of perfume. No. I wear Calvin Klein Euphoria–for women.

Do you have several piercings & tattoos? No.

Do you have a crush on a female celebrity, if so, who? Yes, Crissy Gephardt.

Do you have more Gay/Lesbian/Bi friends than you do Straight friends? I have many of both. Most of my “straight” female friends are not really straight–they just are for now.

Have you ever been gay bashed? No.

Did anyone stop having contact with you after you came out of the closet? Yes. My best friend from High School told me she couldn’t be friends with me anymore, my best friend at the time of coming out told me the same thing but for different reasons. I haven’t spoken to three of my cousins and several of my aunt and uncles since.

What is your favorite gay/lesbian quote? “I’m here, I’m Queer, and So are Some of You!”

Do you believe you were born a lesbian?  Yes, I do.

Are you proud? Or ashamed of your sexuality? I’m Out, Loud, and Very Proud!

There you go Erin–I’m a Lezzie Meme Queen and even on a school day!

Back To School

School began yesterday for me. So far, so good. I was nervous so HG took the day off of work to ride the bus with me to Portland State. I found my first class with sucess and was thrilled to see the diversity in my classmates. Six of them are from other countries! A big change from my Community College experience–I think this is going to be a fabulous experience.

HG and I had lunch together and I went to my next class. Everytime I left a building I had to get my bearings, but I think I’ll figure out where I am soon enough. Amazingly I’ve lived in the Portland area for nearly 16 years but have spent precious little time walking around down town. I will have my chance now!

After classes, HG and I enjoyed the beautiful day by having a pint of beer on an outside patio, taking the streetcar to Powells and then Happy Hour/Dinner at Henry’s in the Pearl!

It was a successful day.

Even though I’m quite smart–I did not apply myself in school when I was younger. It was actually not until I went to Flight Attendant training that I realized how much I could accomplish if I set my mind to it. I never understand why people cared about doing well in school; why bother with all of that school work when there was partying to be had? A bit of maturity needed to occur and although it didn’t take until last year for that maturity to occur–school was not something I seriously considered until then.

I’m on my way now–albeit a tiny bit later than others, but of course not as late as some. I have no regrets–I’m too busy looking forward.

Speaking of looking forward.

I DO love a good debate and I DO love differing opinions. I welcome intelligent counterarguments that do not include insults or ad hominem. This is my blog–I pay for it, I make the rules, I’m in charge.

Many of you were very sweet to defend me to the commenter called Observer. I do not know who Observer is and frankly it matters not to me. I keep in touch with very few people from my younger years and none who knew me as a pre-teen. Presently my best friend from High School is someone who I wasn’t even friends with in High School–we became friends when he friended me on Facebook and we started writing to each other. I wish I had been friends with him in High School–we certainly would have had a better time of it all. We definitely would have skipped the prom and shared a bottle of Pinot instead (except I didn’t know what Pinot was back then!) Regardless–I have written this blog for a long time, it’s quite popular and I adore the people who stop by here. Being recognized from people of one’s past is just something that comes with the territory I suppose. I have enough self-esteem to handle it–something I lacked as a younger woman. I also have something else today that I didn’t have then–true, loving, loyal, supportive, and committed friends. You all know who you are and know how much you mean to me. Some of you came into my life via this little spot on the information super-highway and for that I am eternally grateful to the Internet (and Praise Be to Al Gore.)

And Politics?

Oh, my friends. We have Thursday’s Vice-Presidential Debate to look forward to . . .

We must win in Iraq! And other silly phrases.

I’m not sure how many times John McCain said that during the debate last night. And every time he said it I asked myself, “What do we win?”

When you’re talking about war, what is winning and what is losing? This isn’t a football game–it’s people’s lives. Thousands of people. Thousands and thousands. It’s destroyed property, families shattered, societies fragmented. No one wins–there is no check mate. There is no trophy.

Obama did an excellent job bringing it back to the main point after McCain would spin the topic out of control yammering about winning. We should not have been there is the first place–there were no weapons of mass destruction and we created the chaos that we’re now trying to fix. Our focus should have been protecting American lives by going after the Bin Laden and his crew who were not in Iraq! Not further compromising American lives by sending our men and women into Iraq. Geez, if that isn’t clear I don’t know what is.

McCain said that if we don’t win, we’ll have to go back.

Kind of like we’ve had to go back to Viet Nam?

Kind of like we’ve had to go back to Korea?

Those two countries fell off our radar after we pulled out. Hey we even trade with them now. Viet Nam is becoming a big tourist area and Americans are taking vacations there. Is that what McCain means by going back? Taking holiday?

Diplomacy.

What is wrong with diplomacy? What is so wrong with Obama wanting to sit down with leaders of other countries and work out peaceful resolutions. What is wrong with peace? This is the party of Christian values, yes? When did Jesus ever invade countries? Peace=Good. War=Bad.

Big Government.

John McCain said that we have the biggest government in history and that there is tons of wasteful spending. I’m sure there is wasteful spending in the federal budget–hell, there is wasteful spending in our families budget. The key is to control wasteful spending responsibly and using our God given intellect to do so. McCain proposed cutting all spending except for defense and veteran’s affairs. WTF? So we value killing people and veterans over children? I’m all for taking care of veterans but at the expense of everyone else? I guess that trickle down economics plan applies to people too?

And I guess the way we reduce government is for the government to buy out the banking industry and run our financial institutions too. Yep, that’s smaller government for sure.

My friend S. (who I love and adore despite her Republican beliefs) has told me before that she does not believe in government programs because if she wants to fund those programs it should be her choice. She does not believe that she should be forced to finance them through her tax dollars. So taking that model I think that I should have the choice of whether or not I want my tax dollars to bail out AIG et. al. I want to have the choice of whether or not my tax dollars finance 10-20 Billion dollars a month to fight a war that I don’t believe in.

I guess it doesn’t work that way. Nor should it.

Let’s be pragmatic for a minute.

Privatize, Privatize, Privatize.

The Republicans (and McCain/Palin) LOVE to privatize everything. If they had it their way we would have private healthcare for everyone, private roads, private schools, and as wel know, private banking without regulations. Let’s see how that last one worked out.

Let’s take a look at the CEO salaries from the financial institutions our tax dollars are bailing out, shall we?

Daniel Mudd, Fannie Mae: $14,231,650.00

Richard Syron, Freddie Mac:  $18,289,575.00

Lloyd C. Blankfein, Goldman Sachs:  $70,324,352.00

John J Mack, Morgan Stanley:  $41,790,854

Richard Fuld, Leham Brothers:  $34,382,486.00

Those are millions. In dollars. Per year.

Wait? Who needs to be bailed out here? Why on earth should our tax dollars be spent saving companies who were irresponsible and paid their CEO’s hundreds of times their average worker’s salaries and turned around and ran the companies into the ground. Does this make sense? If I started a business and failed–no one would bail me out.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the need to do this but I like what one letter to the editor in today’s Oregonian said, “. . .take the $700 Billion and pay off all the mortgages. Then the economic benefit can trickle up to Wall Street.”

Or pour billions of dollars into helping the poor, the uneducated and the homeless. Pour it into education, quality healthcare and childcare. Pour it into supporting people instead of already rich CEO’s and corporations.

Privatizing and de-regulation creates greed and a society of Haves and Have-Nots.

I say bring on bigger government, bring on more regulation. After all, isn’t our government By The People and For The People? We are running the place, right? We have the power to choose who represents us and who makes decisions on our behalf so why not let them do it? If we don’t like what they do, then we change it–that’s what elections are for my friends. It’s a hell of a lot easier to keep an eye on one large governement than millions of private companies doing what they want in order for a few people at the top to have all of the money and power. I don’t want my country run by corporate America–but that is essentially the road that we’re on.

I have faith that things will turn around. And Barack Obama is the person who will get us back on track. It will take some time, but eventually Peace and Prosperity will return to America.

So do your part, and vote!

We debated the debate

And I won.

HG agreed to go to Beer and Blog with me tonight but only if she could make out with Melissa Lion and only if we high-tailed it to a nearby brewery that was showing the debate. Then Melissa didn’t put out and HG got cranky.

She was so cranky that she was whining that if only I gave her more sex–she wouldn’t be cranky about Melissa Lion not making out with her.

Then we were late getting to the place and when we got there it was PACKED, so I problem solved while HG cried and found out that my BFF Neighbor The Crying Jew was DVRing (yes, that’s a word–I just made it one,) the debate and that we should come over and watch it.

So we ran a half of a mile to our car and I drove us home but stopped at HG’s most favorite 24 hour Mexican Drive Thru so that she would stop crying about not seeing the debate Live. As soon as I pulled in to the Drive Thru–she loved me again.

See?

Mexican Food/Making out with Melissa Lion= Same/Same.

Speaking of cranky.

Did you see McCain tonight?

He’s a cranky pants. Maybe that heiress wife of his needs to put out more. Or give him Mexican food. Whatever–that guy is a crankpot and he needs to stop being so mean and nasty. Geez.

Obama was good. He looked good, he sounded good and did you see his skin? He has the most flawless skin I’ve ever seen on a man. Be-u-ti-ful. (mis-spelled on purpose Melissa–don’t be grammar hating.)

I have politico thoughts on the debate too but those thoughts will need to wait.

My wife needs me–and that’s not debatable.

Wondering

I’m wondering about a few things.

I’m wondering how it is that I don’t manage to get as many things done in my day as I feel I should be able to get done. I’m wondering how other people seem to manage it so much better than I do.

I know I take care of a family (a larger family now,) and I am the primary caregiver of three adolescent girls who are busier than I ever was as a child. I know I take care of our 2500 square foot house–I cook dinner (almost) every night for my family and I try to keep everyone organized. I do the laundry. I referee arguments, take kids to the doctor, and soccer practice and volleyball and basketball. I run errands and I grocery shop. I write an article or two every week. I write in this blog. I listen to my dogs bark at the UPS man and all of the neighbors all day and disturb everything I’m doing.

And I’m starting school next week.

My plan is to take eight credits at Portland State University in person and take seven credits online at a community college. I just read the syllabus for each of my two online classes and I started to feel overwhelmed. What if I can’t manage it all?

I just announced to the family members present in the house that I needed to do a project for about 45 minutes and I would be shutting and locking my door. Almost immediately the baby started throwing a fit and trying to get into my room–he continued to cry outside of my room and has just now seemed to stop. I certainly don’t blame him–he’s just a baby. What I wonder is–will I be able to do this for myself? Is it too much to ask for me to expect the cooperation of my family in order for me to go to school three days a week?

Everyone has come to count on me so much. They seem to need me for everything–I know this is a mom thing–but it’s been going on for so long now; it’s tiring. I don’t rescue them and I don’t consider myself a helicopter parent but they still turn to me for everything that they need. Yes I have more freedom than I had five years ago, but the day to day of everyone needing me is sometimes draining and I don’t know how to put myself first.

Almost every day I get a phone call from at least one of my children from school. They need to ask me something, or they forgot something, or can they do such and such after school, or can so and so come over, or whatever. Every day.

Every day I clean the house. Every day I cook dinner. Every day I have to remind someone to pick up their backpack or put away their shoes or tell them AGAIN to put away their laundry. How can I be the CEO of this household and pursue my own academic and career goals?

That’s what I wonder.

Sometimes I just have to write this stuff out to figure it out–this would be one of those times. I do this not for narcissistic reasons but moreover to connect with others who may feel the same way. Certainly I can’t be the only one? I know that I can’t be with my children every second of every day–but still I worry about being unavailable to them for those hours every week.

It will be fine, I’m sure. But until I prove that to myself.

I wonder.

Likes/Dislikes

I don’t like flies. I detest flies and for some reason my house has been a fly haven lately. Perhaps it’s getting a little colder and the flies are looking for a warmer home? It may have something to do with the fact that we have five children in this house who leave the damn door open all of the time and when they do close the door, they slam it. I don’t like slamming doors either.

We’ve also had craneflies in the house. I don’t mind them so much but they are gross to pick up and throw away when they die on my window jam. And every time I see a cranefly I think of my friend Teresa DiFalco. She hates the Cranefly. I’m wondering if maybe I need to buy a frog?

I don’t like loud noises. It’s loud in my house these days, what with my family of eight and all. I find myself needing to take long, slow, deep breaths to calm myself from the noise. And exercise. I’ve been exercising. Pilates, Yoga, and Stripper Aerobics–all compliments of my on-demand Fios. I really like my Fios, except when it doesn’t work and then I don’t like it anymore. The Stripper aerobics did not work out so well however, and I hurt my lower back somehow. It was all that hip thrusting I think. Or maybe the pole dancing. Either way I took one of HG’s back spasm pills last night and it made me restless all night and then I wanted to sleep until noon–which I didn’t but I wanted too. I don’t like those pills and will never take one again, even if my lower back is spasming from Stripper aerobics.

I also like roller skating. HG and I went roller skating twice last week and we went to the Roller Derby! It was super fun and HG is off and rolling on her Derby training. We’re still trying to put her outfit together–we have some time but I’m definitely thinking something that accentuates her boobs. There will be photos. For sure.

I don’t like crying babies–but I do like sweet, cute babies who are just learning how to talk.

I like dogs–but I don’t like dogs who are barking all damn day long.

I love my kids–but I don’t like abusive e-mails from their father.

I really like books–and I need some!

I’m putting together an Author’s Collection Basket for the Basic Rights Oregon Annual Dinner and Auction. I’m seeking signed copies of (preferably) Portland or NW based authors. Melissa Lion is of course donating–and she’s world famous. If you are an author and would consider donating a signed copy of one or more of your books, e-mail me here and let me know! I’ll send you kisses or cookies, whichever you prefer. The whole wide world will appreciate it because everyone likes equal rights!

A Crane Fly!

Arrgh.

It’s Talk Like A Pirate Day but I’m not talking like a Pirate because I’ve been doing Pilates. I got confused and thought it was Talk Like A Pilates Day so as soon as I got up I turned on my new Verizon Fios On-Demand Pilates Class. I forgot to look at the level and after it was all over I realized it was Mid Level. Ingrid (the On-Demand teacher) mentioned it but I was so confused because I was trying to figure out how to Talk Like a Pilates that I just started doing the exercises and ignored the level.

I’ve never done Pilates before. And Ingrid–she was rough on me for my first time.

HG watched while she read the paper but she was so impressed with Ingrid and her teaching ability that when my Pilates lesson was over, she restarted it for herself.

She’s doing it now and I really, really like the way her boobs look when she’s lying on her back doing Pilates.

Makes the entire ordeal well worth it.

So the Fios TV is really cool. A high reccommend. They’ve got everything, including Karaoke. I’ll never need to leave my house this winter which is fine because at least I HAVE a house. Way too many people are losing their homes because of this sub-prime mortgage lending hoo-ha. The financial industry is in ruins. Oh wait! I forgot! Bush is going to bail them out with our money. Yippee! More Corporate Welfare, but God forbid we give anything to a family or a person in need. Oh no. They need to get off their ass and help themselves–but corporations who inflate their stock and go into bankruptcy? Oh, how much do you need? Billions? No prob.

Corporate Welfare: Privatizing Profits and Socializing Losses. It’s The Republican Way.

Great Tagline isn’t it? Maybe they’ll steal it from me.

I mentioned that I have a family of eight these days? Cory moved back to the US with very little and is trying to carve out a new life here for her and the boys. She doesn’t have much and we’re helping her out because that is what family does. I told her to check with the state and see if they could give her some one-time assistance to help with purchasing a bed and for a security deposit on an apartment.  She found out that because she got a waitressing job the week after she got here–she’s ineligible. They told her that if she were working Ten hours a week or more at minimum wage–she did not qualify for any assistance. If she had waited and not obtained a job–she would have qualified. Ten hours a week at minimum wage in Oregon is roughly $80.00 a week; she has two small children.

If only she would have run an insurance company into the ground–she would have gotten $80 Billion Dollars!

It’s the weekend and I’m happy. It’s been a rough week with kids and my large family of eight and what-not. We have Baby and Five-Year-Old duty every evening while Cory goes to her new job. Tomorrow night though, the neighbor girl is coming to babysit and HG and I are going to The Rose City Roller’s bout! It’s Roller Derby Baby! HG’s planning on going to the try-outs next month–she’s all ready with her gear, sans leg warmers–we need to find her some leg warmers. If you have a hook-up on the leg warmers, let us know.

I’ll be here doing On-Demand Karaoke and practicing Pilates. While talking like a Pirate.

More Problems with Sarah Palin

I live in the Suburbs, not of Alaska but of Portland, Oregon. My community is considered a “bedroom community” that was nothing but farmland 15 years ago. It’s a small town–made up of predominately upper middle class young families with children. We have a City Council and a City Manager and a Mayor–like most small towns.

When I moved here in 1996 the population of our town was around 4,000. The population has grown quite a bit through the years and our town now boasts around 14,000. That’s about 5,000 people more than the town of Wasilla, Alaska where Sarah Palin was the mayor. Our town is planning a grad opening of a new sports stadium at our High School, which was funded by The Booster Club and private donations, not tax payers. Ms. Palin’s town of Wasilla is now 14.7 millions of dollars in debt due to the sports complex she pushed for. Not included in that debt is $850,000.00 in state grants for a $1.2 million dollar kitchen (The Frontiersman) and another $630,000.00 appropriation that was saved by Governor Palin despite huge state budget cuts in other areas (Slate.com).

Ms. Palin “used city money to buy a white Suburban for the mayor’s use — employees sarcastically called it the mayor-mobile” (New York Times). Our mayor isn’t even paid for his service–it’s a volunteer position. I can’t even imagine the outrage if her were to buy a Suburban for his use. Our citizens get mad if the city buys fancier than necessary streetlamps (or the wrong color, but that’s a different story.)

Mayor Sarah Palin paid a lobbyist $36,000.00 to obtain nearly $27 million dollars in federal earmarks:

“There was $500,000 for a youth shelter, $1.9 million for a transportation hub, $900,000 for sewer repairs, and $15 million for a rail project — all intended to benefit Palin’s town, Wasilla, located about 45 miles north of Anchorage . . .In fiscal year 2002, Wasilla took in $6.1 million in earmarks — about $1,000 in federal money for every resident. By contrast, Boise, Idaho — which has more than 190,000 residents — received $6.9 million in earmarks in fiscal 2008. All told, Wasilla benefited from $26.9 million in earmarks in Palin’s final four years in office” (The Washington Post).

For a town of 9,000 residents.

As Governor of Alaska Ms. Palin appointed a friend from high school as director of the State Division of Agriculture (earning a salary of $95,000 per year.) The friend, Franci Havemeister had no experience whatsoever working for any state agency (she was a real estate agent) and “cited her childhood love of cows as a qualification for running the roughly $2 million agency” (The New York Times).

A real estate agent who loved cows as a child is running the State of Alaska’s Division of Agriculture?

Brilliant.

Oh, but that’s not all.

Ms Palin hired an assistant who “frequently interacts with Palin’s children.” She gets paid nearly $64,000.00 a year. That’s one expensive Nanny.

Ms. Palin has been the governon of Alaska for twenty months and of those twenty month she spent 312 nights at her home in Wasilla. Not in the governors mansion–600 miles from her home (The New York Times).

How many miles is it from Wasilla to Washington D.C.? Kind of a long trip to make if McCain kicks the bucket and Ms. Palin needs to high tail it to Washington.

I know that I do not typically write a political blog and I’m not going to start one. We are 48 days out from an important election and I have a lot of feelings about all of this (obviously.) I promise tomorrow I’ll write something about HG’s boobs or something.

Oh, one more thing. For those Twitter’s out there–you must follow @fakesarahpalin. It’s hilarious!

Eve Ensler on Sarah Palin

Eve Ensler wrote this post on Huffington Post and I felt it was worth repeating here because of its powerful message.

“I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it’s their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don’t like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story — connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God’s plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin’s view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, “It was a task from God.”

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist’s baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God’s name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don’t move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, “Drill Drill Drill.” I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?”

Lifeline

On Friday evening HG and I attended the Portland Women’s Crisis Line annual fundraiser. We were invited by our fancy friends Sam and Kristin and we got to sit with lots of fancy people including the Fearless Leader of Just Out Newsmagazine–Portland’s premier gay and lesbian publication.

Betty Roberts, Oregon’s first supreme court justice, was the keynote speaker and as with every time I hear a feminist pioneer speak–my heart filled with pride and admiration for the work that so many women did to create a more equal society for all of us.

The Portland Women’s Crisis Line is a lifeline to women all over the state of Oregon. 888-235-5333.

Women who are victims of Domestic Violence and women who feel all alone.

Take just a moment to picture to yourselves a moment, a thought, an image– of what a victim of domestic violence victim looks like. Is her skin the same color as yours? Is her hair the same color? Is she poor? Is she ugly? Is she stupid?

What does her abuser look like? Is he dirty? Is he ugly? Does he smell?

Is he drunk?

Is he a bad, bad, bad man?

What does Domestic Violence look like?

What does it feel like?

Who are victims of Domestic Violence?

Unfortunately, You are the victims and  I’m the victim, Our daughters are the victims and our mother’s are the victims. We are all victims in some way because we are all touched by Domestic Violence in one way or another. Some of us in more ways than others.

In November of 2007, my (then) husband, toddler and baby took a trip to visit my husband’s family in San Diego. The plan was to go to Knotts Berry Farm and Disneyland as well as share Thanksgiving with his family. I was thrilled to get away and be with people who loved my girls and could (possibly) give me just a teeny-tiny break from the day to day redundancy of being a mom of two small girls. I wish I had a picture to show you–of my girls. My sweet girls. DD#2 was just six months old and not quite sleeping though the night. And nursing. She nursed all of the time.

We had fun at Disney, and at Knotts Berry Farm. And Thanksgiving was just great; the night before we left I tried to finish a small project that I was making for my grandmother-in-law. It took me longer than I imagined and I ended up going to bed later than I expected. And when I got to bed, DD#2 woke up. And stayed up; for the rest of the night.

The next morning we flew home to Portland. I had been awake all night and the first thing that my husband did on the airplane was promptly go to sleep. Leaving me to deal with the girls. Alone.

In the car on the way home, he proclaimed to me that he was very tired and as soon as we got home he was going to take a nap; my rage began to boil and my mind began to race. “How could he be so inconsiderate? Do I not matter? What is wrong with him?” “He KNOWS I was awake all night with the baby.” “HE slept the entire plane ride home!”

And it continued.

I’m sure I snapped off and said something snarky; he responded with anger.

And I responded with argument; and he responded with more anger.

Soon it moved into a bit more serious of an argument because he started to say Very Bad Things To Me.

He called me a Bitch. And then a Fucking Bitch. And then a Fucking Bitch even louder.

Each time I responded by telling him that he was not to talk to me like that in front of my children (who were sitting in the back seat of our Navy Blue Ford Windstar.) And each time I told him him to stop and he did not.

After several times of me asking him to stop and he continuing, I slapped his arm with the back of my hand and said, “Don’t talk to me like that in front of our children.”

And he responded by back-handing me across the face.

He was a bit stronger than I was; I have a distinct feeling that my slap on his arm was less significant than his hit across my jaw. He yelled to me, “That’s what you get for hitting me! You get hit BACK!”

Immediately, Blood poured from my face.

I hyperventilated; I was in such shock.

DD#1 cried from the back seat.

I held my hand in front of me to catch the blood and at the same time I told my three-year-old, “It’s okay honey; Mommy’s okay.”

I felt like I was dying.

We were on I-205 going South from the airport and the world began to close in on me; I sobbed to myself–trying my best to do it silently as to not alarm my children. Soon they were asleep–from sheer exhaustion and (I hope not) trauma. I sat in the passenger seat of our mini-van–numb. Paralyzed. Afraid. Not so much of him, but of what questions I would have to answer to myself later.

I felt invisible. Like my lower extremities no longer existed and the only thing that I could feel was a deep, dark pain sinking into my chest like a big, black, weight falling into a bed of cotton balls.

We pulled into our garage–both children still asleep and I said, “If you leave now, I won’t call the police.”

He laughed and said, “Go Ahead and Call the police! You hit me first! You’re the one who they would arrest! Oh. My. God. Kathryn! What is wrong with you?”

I stayed in the car and cried. He packed his suitcase and left our home without apology or explanation.

I moved my sleeping children into their beds and called my best friend. She came over and I told her the whole story.

She then told me a story about she and her husband when they were first married. They were wrestling and playing around. They got carried away and he accidentally broke her arm. She went to the hospital and lied–saying that she fell in the bathroom. He was very remorseful and went to counseling to deal with his violent tendencies. She forgave him and that was the end of it. She told me that we could work through this.
Somehow that gave me no comfort.

She stayed with my children while I went to the doctor. I was honest with my doctor and told her about the entire ordeal. She told me that sometimes these things happen and that we could probably work through it. She gave me a prescription for Vicodin and sent me to get an X-Ray.
Somehow that gave me no comfort.

I went home and somehow got through the evening. After the girls were asleep I took a Vicodin and called the Portland Women’s Crisis Line. I cried in my bed for an hour as I talked to someone who understood me.

I slept, and the next morning the doctors office called. The X-Ray said that my jaw was dis-located.

I wished for someone to save me.

No one saved me and a day later my husband came home. When he saw me, the first thing he said to me was, “I was worried it was worse. I imagined that it would look worse than that.”
Somehow that gave me no comfort.

He’s always insisted that the situation was entirely my fault; Because, After all. I started it.

I made choices and those are mine to bear, but there is one thing that gives me comfort when I think of that time and that is that Someone. Someone. Was there for me and for that I am grateful. Negative memories don’t go away, but they are often comforted by a few little love notes along the way.

Support the Portland Women’s Crisis Line or your own local Domestic Violence Agency.