Si, Vsi, Vi, I’m confused

I didn’t know that shopping for illegal wedding rings would be such a difficult task.

Yesterday, HG and I went out looking and I am now oh, so confused.

I just want something pretty and antique looking with a lot of bling. I’ve narrowed down the search, but now I’m concerned about getting a good deal. I thought about ordering something from here, but I’m worried I’ll get screwed, and not in a good way. Mall jewelry stores seem so cheesy, big ones seem so big, I’m getting so obsessed with it, when I close my eyes, I see diamond rings.

Anyone have any advice?

Speaking of marriage, I heard today that Angelina and Brad won’t get married until “everyone” can get married. You can read about it on The Advocate.com. Angelina and Brad join Charlize Theron and boyfriend Stuart Townsend who made a similar stand several months ago.

As soon as it’s legal, we’ll be inviting Angie, Brad, Charlize, and Stuart to the wedding. Hmmm, do you think Angie and Charlize will come to my bacheolorette party?

Begin to change

I told you I would, and I’m on my way.

HG and I managed to make some room in our office room for an additonal desk for me, (I currently use a beautiful cherry computer armoire which is oh so lovely but has no work space…) I’ve organized a bit and I’m ready to start some additional learning in my life.

HG lovingly and beautifully painted our bedroom over the weekend. It looks so gorgeous, I can’t even believe it. The poor girl, had to put FOUR coats of paint of the darker rust color to get it to cover. HG is so amazing and wonderful, because she did this for ME. I told her that I needed our bedroom to be a serene and comforting place to help me through my hard times, and she did it, with love in her heart. Did I ever mention how much she rocks??

I bought some new books, Joint Custody with a Jerk, The Co-Parenting Survival Guide and The Verbally Abusive Relationship. The latter is because I still suffer a lot of the same feelings that I did in my marriage and I want to be able to recognize and avoid the abusive cycle that I’m STILL caught in with my XH. I read this book during our divorce when my therapist pointed out that my XH was extremely verbally abusive to me, but I figured since I was divorced, I didn’t need to deal with that. I was wrong. That cycle of abuse doesn’t end when the relationship ends, because the abuser continues to control and abuse. I’m hoping to re-learn some tools to help me. The previously mentioned books I am reading to hope to improve my co-parenting relationship with XH. I know that I can’t change him, but I can change my reaction to him and if that helps, then that would be great. I want my children to be happy and healthy, I don’t care about anything else; but they aren’t going to be able to be happy and healthy without parents who are able to actually parent them together, peacefully and civilly, and with luck, lovingly.

HG and I went downtown today to volunteer at Planned Parenthood for the Vote No on 43 campaign. We met a lovely woman who trained us, who we chatted with quite a while. She is a lesbian too, and she and her partner have two small children together. It was so nice to listen to someone with similar passion and conviction talk about something so important. So many lesbian women don’t take into consideration the importance of reproductive freedom, because we don’t have to worry about it for ourselves. It’s so, so, so important that we do everything in our power to protect all women’s rights over their own bodies. I hope all of my Oregon readers will take the time to read about the Measure and what it would do to hurt the most vulnerable women in Oregon.

Tomorrow we’re going to look at illegal wedding rings.

Is that enough in a week?

Ciao y’all.

Change of Seasons, seasons of change.

This week marked the first day of Fall.

And as far as weeks go, It’s been one of those kinds of weeks.

The balance of everything is sometimes overwhelming for everyone, and this week is no exception.  Thoughts of transition and change are beckoning on me and I am seriously considering a change of scenery for myself.  No, I’m not moving, although that idea sounds really nice sometimes, that’s not what I mean.  I just need to make some positive changes and move forward with my life.  All of this stuff with my XH has really held me back from moving forward, which is so ironic, because that’s exactly what he claims that he wants me to do, but has done everything to prevent it from happening.

I’m letting it all go and throwing a bit of caution to the wind.  I need to move on with my life and I’m not going to allow anything else from holding me back.

First, I need to just start.  Then, I need to make some changes.  I need to consider where I am right now and what I need.  I need time to gather up my ideas and put them into action, instead of allowing them to just be thoughts.  I need to do something else.

I need to be creative, and I might need to make some lifestyle changes, but they will hopefully be temporary.  I need to not be complacent, and not be afraid and just do; I want to make it happen.  I want to take care of my girls and my girl, I want to have a nice, peaceful life and I want to help others.

I don’t want to be a Glamorous Waitress anymore.  It was a good transitional time, but I think I’m done.

It’s time to move on to step 2.  Time for something new.  Time for a change.  The season has changed and so have I, and I’m ready to Fall into something new, something better, something me.  Wish me luck blogging friends, I’m moving on.

Fall is my favorite time of year.  Ironically enought, studies have shown that more relationships end in the fall than in any other time of the year.  Bi-polar and mentally ill people have more manic episodes in the fall, more people become depressed in the fall.  But I love the fall.  It’s a period of dying in some ways, because it’s the opposite of Spring, which is a time of re-birth.  But death is not a bad thing, as it leads us to find newness in ourselves.   The old can die back to prepare for the new, and I welcome the change of season, in the weather and in myself.

As the leaves fall to the ground this year, and the colors fade from the sky; I will embrace it and prepare for my own re-birth with excitement and anticipation.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance…
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away…”
(Ecclesiastes 3:1-6)

I have a bunch of stuff to throw away and I’m starting today.

Random RSG

I watched Matt Lauer interview James McGreevey, that governor of New Jersey who was outed of the closet and of his office.  I think that a lot of people probably have strong opinions about what he did, and certainly some of his actions weren’t very upstanding, gay or straight.  I think the essence of the story, however, is that he was acting the way that he was out of fear for being someone different than he thought was “normal.”  The  most compelling thing he said was, ‘God willing, I’ll be the last generation who has to hide who they are,’ (and I was paraphrasing.)  So sad that some people have to weave a whole web of lies so that they aren’t hated for being the loving person that God made them.

And although Governor McGreevey can’t technically be a Recovering Straight Girl, I welcome into my “not yet formed” brother club, Recovering Straight Boys.  Any RSB’s out there who want to take up the challenge?  Your people await you!

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Our hot tub was *finally* delivered last night, 3 days and 12 hours LATE!  We managed to keep the intel from the girls by telling lying to them and saying that it was actually Landon, the concrete guy, finishing up. Lio-The-Hot-Tub-Guy did not have our cover ready and we are missing one pillow; HG is NOT happy, not at all.  He gave us a loaner cover and ours had better be ready pronto or my girl is going to really butch up and kick some ass.

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Last night, DD#2 called a family meeting.  She has been quite upset because lately, DD#1 who is the demon-pre-teen-from-hell lately has been spending most of her time at home arguing with everyone in it.  Since she came down with the MONO, she has had to had limited activity, including no competitive soccer games until October.  Well, she no like that, and she has done everything in her power to convince EVERYONE that she should be able to play.  She even had her father convinced and she played for a short time in two games.  I *think* everyone is on the same page now, that she just needs to wait and it won’t kill her, it’s better for her health, blah, blah, blah, but it’s been quite a point of contention and stress for everyone involved.

But I digress.

Family Meeting went well.  DD#1 had the “talking spoon” first and she expressed that she was not happy that HG and I told her that we would not be able to come to watch her in her school’s Fun Run (a fundraising scam that the school puts on to pull in about 50K every year for field trips, etc…. worthwhile cause, just a pain.) I truly didn’t think it was a big deal, and we had made previous plans before I knew the time, (Hi Wendy and Karen!).  So we agreed to move our plans to an hour later and that was resolved.

DD#1 wants more one on one time with Mommy.  Done.  We’re going shopping on Friday.  And she suggested a “voice box” like on Super Nanny.  If you have something to say, but you’re not ready to talk about it, you put it in the box and we talk about it later.  Do you SEE how valuable television is????

DD#3 came up with a great idea to solve the problem of family members, (i.e. the three of them…) leaving their personal items, (i.e. their crap,) all over the house.  She suggested a big box and when things aren’t picked up, they get put in the box, and the girls have to earn them back.  Hello?  She’s SEVEN!  I’m not sure where she came up with that idea, but Hell Yeah, it sounds like a great idea!

Family meeting, quite  a success.

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HG and I would like to get married, albeit illegally, here.

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And I think that’s all.  Y’all have a good one,
Ciao.

What’s at the bottom of my staircase?

Waiting for me?

Why it’s Ginger, her sister Wink, and our dog-neighbor Autumn.

Wink’s moms are out of town and we are lucky enough to have her for a visit. Autumn’s mom is out of town and we usually keep her when needed. So until Sunday, we’ll be having a party, a dog party.

Big dogs, small dogs, black and white dogs. It’s a dog party!

I had my day in court, sort of…

I spent the morning organizing papers.

HG went to aerobics class and I took a shower. I started feeling like I was going to throw up and then I had a complete wardrobe malfunction. The camisole with the built in bra that I was going to wear under my white blouse showed through, so I had to rip my clothes off at the last second and change not only my bra, but my underwear as well. Why, do you ask? Because everyone knows that you can’t wear a beige bra and a white thong. No, no, no. Not when you’re going to court, it’s bad luck and it’s Just. Not. Done.

As I was driving to the courthouse, which is about 30 minutes from my house, I was feeling as though I was going to have a full fledged hyper-ventilating panic attack. I was re-thinking that I shouldn’t have driven myself. HG couldn’t go with me, because she could have potentially been called to testify. Although that wouldn’t in itself been a problem, I really didn’t want to put her through that.

I met with my attorney who told me not to worry, that it would be okay and we then proceeded through security and waited. Judges aren’t on time, just a little FYI.

During the first witness examination, which seemed to take HOURS, I was beginning to feel like I couldn’t breathe. It was kind of like being tortured with no end in sight. It kind of felt like being in labor for hours and working really hard to only find out that you’re only 3 cm dialated.

During the next testimony, the judge called a recess. My attorney and I went to the bathroom and she assured me that everything was okay. I really felt like I was going to completely lose it right then and there. We went back to the courtroom where the clerk told my attorney that the judge wanted to see the attorneys in chambers. I was the only one in the courtroom, and I was doing everything that I possibly could to relax. My body was shaking from the stress of it all and I took deep breaths, calming myself the best I could. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to get up on that witness stand and have to answer questions from the Evil Woman Who Was My XH’s Lawyer. It was bad enough in depositions, the courtroom, with the judge looming over me, would certainly be worse.
I remembered all of the e-mails and well wishes that I received from so many people all over the world. I envisioned all of their support and love helping me through it; and I knew that whatever the result, I was going to be fine. I will always be fine, because I have my girls and I have HG.

When my lawyer came out, she said that the judge wanted it settled.

The judge threw out a maximum percentage of reduction, considering only the reduction in XH’s income and not anything else, and said that XH’s attorney needed to work within that. If they decided not to work it out, the judge would make a ruling as he saw fit.

After a few back and forths between us, it was settled.

I’ve said from the beginning that I only wanted what was fair and reasonable. I have never been in the mindset of trying to harm my children’s father in any way and truly want the best for him. I do not wish him any ill will and would have been happy to work this out with him months ago. It is very unfortunate that he took this to the level he did and cost both of us a lot of money that is now gone. Money that could have gone for orthodontics, or even a vacation for the girls. Money that has paid our attorneys’ bills, not our childrens.

The really sad thing is that if my former husband had approached me and had been willing to be reasonable and fair, I would have agreed to MORE of a reduction than what was ultimately settled on. (Remember, when I asked him how much he wanted his spousal support reduced, he said, “I don’t want to pay you anything.”) I was put in a complete position of defending myself and my family.

I was put through hours of questions about my life, my relationship, whether I was monogamous or committed. It was documented in the court papers that I have been spending money “decorating” my new house because I admitted to buying a mirror when asked in deposition. Remember, the mirror I bought? The one that was on sale at Fred Meyer for $72.00? My partner’s personal and financially information was turned over to strangers. My personal bank statements and financial information was turned over to strangers. My integrity was questioned, I was accussed of not getting a full time job because I wanted to “take my children to their lessons,” I was made to look as though I was a lazy free-loader. I had to defend my self and my life, and I NO LIKE THAT.

Even with all of that, In the end, I truly feel that I tried to be fair. I think it was a fair outcome, although it certainly would have saved everyone a lot of time, money and stress to have just came to the same conclusion last June. But I suppose there are lessons learned in all of life’s journeys, sometimes we just need to dig a little deep to find them.

One of the lessons that was abundantly clear to me was the “blessing” of all of you and your friendship, love and support. You may not believe it, but it made all of the difference in the world and I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I heart you and appreciate you. I am thankful to Al Gore for inventing the internet, because without the internet, we wouldn’t have eachother. Shalom, Namaste, Peace and Love to you all!
Case closed.

An Open Letter

Dear All Men Who Have Ever Been Through A Divorce:

If you decide to hire a lawyer and file a suit against your ex-wife asking for a reduction of spousal and child support,
here is some advice:

• If your lawyer is going to hire an “expert witness”, who happens to be an expert in accounting and taxes. You’ll want to be sure that you yourself have not in recent years, knowingly, incorrectly, filed a tax return in order to avoid paying, let’s say, hypothetically, thousands of dollars in taxes. Probably if the “expert accounting witness,” is truly an “expert,” he’ll probably figure this out, and inform both you and your lawyer that said taxes will need to be refiled, (and paid . . .)
• Don’t testify on the stand that your life is miserable because you now live in a 1700 square foot house, (with bamboo floors, a jacuzzi, stainless steel appliances, and granite countertops.)
• Don’t testify on the stand that you have “nothing,” because instead of driving a BMW, you now drive an Acura.
• Don’t emphasize how much debt you’re in, while supplying credit card statements that reflect purchases of musical equipment and charges to nice restaurants.
• Don’t make a statement to the judge like, “She acts like I owe her that money.”
• And above all,
  and most importantly. . .
  After stating the above aforementioned items,
  DO NOT start crying on the witness stand.

Why? You wonder? Well, the reason is because, The Judge, (you know, the one in the black robe, the one making the ruling,)

He no like that.

Remembering September 11th

For us Generation X’ers we all remember where we were when the space shuttle exploded. I was at my high school watching it in the auditorium on televisions. One of our science teachers, Mr. Henry had been one of the teachers who applied to go on that trip. I remember he cried and walked around all day with his head in his hands. It was a really terrible day. We also remember the Oklahoma City bombing. I was at work and one of my employees came in to tell me. I watched the coverage on our bar tv and my employee and I, (her name was Joelle,) we cried.

Our generation will also be able to remember September 11th with crystal clear clarity. The generation before us, it was the JFK assasination, the generation before them, it was Pearl Harbor. I haven’t blog surfed this morning, because I really should be mentally preparing for court by doing some meditation or yoga or lighting candles of some kind, but I thought I would digress from the stress of my life today and focus on something else for a few minutes. I’m certain that when I do get the chance to hop around to all y’alls blogs, many of you will be taking the time to express your own memories of this day, five years ago.

School had just started and DD#1 began first grade. Look at a picture of her then,

I bought her that outfit at Wal-Mart, back when I didn’t know that Wal-Mart was the root of all things evil. DD#1 would come into my room in the morning and I would turn on the morning news to check the weather. I remember that it was a day exactly like today, crisp and clear, very sunny. A beautiful fall day in Oregon.

When I turned on the news, I saw the coverage of the first tower. I saw that an airliner had crashed into the World Trade Center. Being a former flight attendant, I immediately thought that there is no way in hell that a pilot would accidently crash into the World Trade Center, it wasn’t even possible. I sat in horror and watched it, with my six year old daughter next to me. A short while later, I saw the second plane hit the second tower. It was such a horrible thing to see and I couldn’t believe that it was happening. Then reports were coming in about the Pentagon, and possibly a crash in Pennsylvania. I was wondering the entire time, “Why isn’t anyone doing anything?????, Why isn’t the military finding out what the hell is going on?, What the hell is the president doing????” Well I of course found out later that he was reading a book to some school children in Florida while our country was being attacked, but whatever…

I called my husband at the time and told him what happend. I begged him to come home, I thought for sure that every city was going to be under attack at any time. Of course, he said no. I talked to a few friends on the phone. I called to see if school was still going to be open. When I found out it was, I got the girls ready to go. I drove DD#1 to her school, took her to her class and spoke to her teacher. I was really afraid that there was going to be some sort of lock down and I wouldn’t be able to get her home. I think that if I had to do that over again, I would have kept her home from school. When I came home, I joined the rest of the world and was glued to the news for the rest of the day. I turned it off when the girls were around as to not expose them to more violence. I remember hearing that if a child sees that same scene over and over again, they don’t realize that it only happend once and is being re-played, they think that it keeps happening over and over again.

When my husband at the time came home, he hadn’t seen any of the coverage. Yes, that’s right. He spent the entire day at work and never once bothered to go look at a television and see what was happening in our country. Not to mention the fact that he worked in front of a computer all day and could have easily seen it on CNN.com, but again, whatever…

Earlier in the day, I found our American flag and hung it up. By the end of the next day, everyone was flying their flags. I was proud of America that day for coming together. I was devastated for the families that lost their loved ones. I cried and cried for the mothers and fathers that would never see their children again. For the people who would never see their partners again, for everyone and everything.

And I wondered why.

At the same time that I questioned why, I also knew that there good can come out of anything, even horrible tragedy. And I had faith that some good would come out of this devastating, awful day.

It’s hard to see what that is right now, in the state that our country and our world is in. But I continue to have faith and hope that someday we will see something good out of everyone’s loss. I will wait, I know it will happen.

I send my love and prayers and well wishes and good energy to all of the brave people who have been directly and indirectly affected. Five years is a long time, but not long enough. Fifty years won’t be long enough to heal, but I pray that everyone will be able to find peace and love and not allow the hatred of some to change you.

I hope that all of you will remember what you were doing today, five years ago, and take the time to count your blessings. Life is short and filled with a lot of busyness. Sometimes time slips by so quickly we forget to experience it. When I was looking for that picture of DD#1 in first grade I was amazed at how quickly my children have changed since this day five years ago. So for a happy, blessing-counting memory, I give you my DD’s, September of 2001 and September of 2006:

Amen.

The sunset at the end of my day

Two years ago, I was going through a divorce.  As far as divorces go, I realize that it could have been much worse and at the time, I felt that it was amicable and was being settled fairly.  I was grateful that my XH and I weren’t fighting over custody, or visitation or even money.  We were both trying to keep the best interest of our children at the center.

Now, as I have mentioned before, everything has changed and unfortunately it has become a very sad, ugly and expensive situation for everyone.  Most of all, the children have suffered, they’ve been affected, because it’s unavoidable. It feels like going through a divorce all over again, only worse this time.
Tomorrow, I go to court.
I will have to miss another day of work, and I will need to make arrangements, once again for my children. It’s all a little scary.  The whole idea of court.  We didn’t have to go the first time around, and although I would have been glad to avoid it all together, I guess if I have to go, at least now I have someone to help me through it.

I have all of the information that is required.  Yesterday HG went to Staples and made 300 copies for me.  Copies of stuff that I never thought I would ever even look at again, let alone have to gather up and make copies of.  So I guess I’m ready, and hoping that after tomorrow this will all be settled and I can once again, try to move on with my life.

I was a stay-at-home-mom for a lot of years, (nearly 10.)  I was happy to see my husband succeed in his career and felt very much like I was a part of that success.  Even though I often felt restless and that something big was missing in my life, I knew that it was good for my kids to have their mom around, and besides, if I went back to work, we would spend so much on daycare, it would hardly be worth it.

Besides, my husband at the time, and I agreed that it would work best for our family for me to stay at home and raise our children, take care of our home, and do work in the community.  He promised to always take care of me and our children financially, no matter what.  Even if we got divorced.  I was naive to believe him, I realize that now.
I don’t regret it.  I don’t think that there is really a lot of room in anyone’s life for regret.  I will say though that if I had it to do over agian, I would do things differently and follow the instincts that I ignored throughout the years of my marriage.  But I can’t go back, and I won’t regret.  I don’t have time for all of that.
I’ve had a lot of clarity these last few weeks.  Since being put through the stress of all of this, I’ve been able to see things in a way that I didn’t before.  Unfortunately some of those things I’ve seen have been sad and hard to accept, but I’ve seen them.  Friends have helped me through this, my co-workers at my Glamorous Waitressing Job have been loving and supportive.  All y’all HAB’s are always there, and of course, my fabulous and beautiful and most wonderful girlfriend.  Without her, I believe I would have succumb to the very dark cloud of depression that has hovered over me more than once through this.

She is bird’s chirping in the morning.

She is the sunset at the end of my day.

She is my everything and everything to me.

Even if she isn’t rich and my Sugar Momma like XH and his attorney are suggesting.

Not to mention, she’s a hottie.

I really hope that tomorrow brings this little yucky chapter to a close and we are ALL able to move on.  I hope that we all remember that the most important thing in this matter is the children and what is good for them; that we love our children first and don’t want to cause them further harm.  I for one, do not want anything other than what is fair and customary; and I will accept whatever the outcome.  I don’t need to be right, or to win; I just want peace in my life.  Peace and love.  The rest will follow.

And at the end of the day, no matter what, I have love in my life.  I have the love of my wonderful daughters.  I have the security and the knowledge in that my partner will always love me and stand by me, just like this, always.  I am rich in ways that most millionaires are not and I will, we will, get through this.

Send me your good thoughts, I’ll need them!

It’s The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year!

Screw Christmas.

TODAY is the best day of the year!

The first day of school,

Yippee!

Yippee!

Yippee!

It’s happy dance time!

The girls were very excited and were up before I was, got dressed and talked NON STOP until it was time to leave. DD#1 was off to Middle School for the first time. I offered to drive her after taking her sisters to their school, but she insisted on walking herself. After a little photo taking, she was off to the great big world of Jr. High.

I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want her to feel nervous, so I held back the tears. It’s amazing to me. It seems like it was such a short time ago that i was sending her off to Kindergarten.

After dropping the little girls off to their respective classes and helping them to settle in, I came home feeling excited and exuberant. The last two years whenever I entered my children’s school, I always felt a little awkward. I often wondered, who’s looking at me, who’s judging me, who’s whispering about me? Which women who I thought was my friend is now talking about me after I walk by? It’s been a struggle, staying in this town, but I wanted to do that for my kids. Today, for the first time, I actually felt okay about everything.

The depression that I’ve felt since coming home from vacation felt like it lifted and I am excited about a new year, a new chapter, and with moving on with my life. My stomach issues seem to be resolving themselves and luckily I haven’t had another migraine.
I know I can’t control what happens with XH. I can just continue to go on and I will accept whatever the outcome is when we go to court next Monday. I am continuing to move on with my new life, I have my home, my children, my friends, my family and most of all, the love of my life.

I guess it’s part of the recovery process.

One day at a time.

And today,

was a really good day!