We’re off

HG and I are going to the houseboat for a little alone and quiet time without phones, computers, neighbors, lawyers, ex’s or depositions.

We had our patio poured yesterday and it is looking beautiful.  We’re quite excited for it to be all cleaned up and finished when we return from our little away time.  I took some pictures, which I will post when it’s all finished.

I haven’t received the final invoice for the cost of the concrete work; but I’ll be sure to forward it to XH’s lawyer, she was wanting to know.  Apparently every penny that I have spent since the date of my and XH’s divorce is somehow his business.  Fascinating.   Just a little tip to anyone going through or has gone through a divorce.  Keep all of your bank statements, and EVERY receipt for EVERYTHING you’ve ever purchased (especially for your children,) keep every record of every doctor’s appointment, every time your ex is late, every time he doesn’t take the kids on a scheduled day, every time you don’t, every everything.  Because it’s a royal pain in the ass to have to produce that stuff at a later date.  Oh, and one more thing.  You probably want to pay cash for any sex toys that you may or may not purchase at any particular time.  Just sayin.

HG is yelling at me to move my ass,

so I’m off.

Ciao:)

Endure

The girls are at their dad’s house this weeek and so the house is quite quiet. HG and I were planning of leaving yesterday to go to the houseboat for a little alone time, but unfortunately recent events impaired my health to the point that I was on the couch with a migraine and puking most of the day.

It was a lovely time for HG, I’m sure. She was able to listen to me whine, and complain, and whine a little bit more and fetch me 7-up and saltines, more 7-up, and Ritz crackers, some soup, more 7-up, and a lot more whining. Finally, after the entire day of Ibuprofen not working, I found some Migraine formula medicine and took that on top of the 800 mg. of Ibuprofen. That seemed to do the trick, although I’m sure I’ve fucked up my liver because of it.

On Monday, after working my lunch shift at my Glamorous Waitressing Job, I had the priviledge of going to my XH’s lawyers office to give a deposition. I may have mentioned, that XH had me served with papers requesting to have the court ordered spousal and child support modified. He claims to make less money now and is also claiming that my circumstances have changed now that HG and I live together. I have been more than willing to find a compromise with him, I certainly don’t want him desolate and poor, that’s not good for our children. However, when we first discussed it, I told him that I was willing to find some middle ground. His answer was, “I don’t want to pay you anything.” I told him that wasn’t going to work for me, and voila, the process server shows up on my doorstep. Since then, I’ve had to hire a lawyer. I made him a “formal” offer through my attorney. I offered to reduce the spousal support and to no longer have him be responsible for the girls piano lessons, or their extra-curricular activites. He said no and didn’t even bother to make any kind of counter offer.

So there we were.

His lawyer asked me questions for 2 and a half hours. Starting with college and every job I’ve had since, how much money I made, if I had a chance for promotion. Then she wanted to know all about HG, what the status of our relationships was, were we monogamous, had we exchanged vows, how we split expenses, etc. etc. etc.

It was ridiculous.

Why the two of us simply can’t just sit down and work this out is beyond me. Even if we had professional mediation, it would be better than this bullshit.

That deposition on Monday cost me (or actually cost my XH,) over $600.00 in attorney fees, just for my attorney. I say that it actually cost XH because how do you think I’m paying for it? From the support money HE pays me. I certainly hope he thinks it’s worth it.

Do you have any idea what $600.00 would buy for my children? Probably all of their back-to-school clothes and shoes and a lot of their Christmas presents too. I wonder how he feels taking things away from his children because he’s not willing to simply negotiate something that would be FAIR for both of us. The whole thing amazes me.

Needless to say, I’m sure that the deposition had something to do with the onset of the killer migraine from hell; but who’s to say really?

I just need to endure it and know that after thousands of dollars in attorney fees and a lot of wasted time, it will all be over. Certainly with a similar result that would have been if he had just been willing to discuss it with me, but whatever.

I just feel sorry for our children. It’s really too bad that their father doesn’t love them more than he hates me. That he would put all of us through this to make a point? If it was really about the money, he wouldn’t be wanting both of us spending all of this money on lawyers, he would want that money going to his children. If it was really about the money, he would be trying to find a way to make this work out, not tear everyone apart even more. If he really cared about his children and their well being, he wouldn’t be causing stress to their families. It’s very difficult going through something like this. I almost feel like I’m going through my divorce all over again, and it’s hard on HG and I as well. We’re strong enough to hold it together, but that is only because HG is a saint. This is a lot baggage and issues than she didn’t sign up for, that’s for sure.

But today, I’m migraine free and ready to have a little quality time with the most wonderful woman in the entire world who loves me, puking an all.

Ciao y’all

Hola Amigas.

Because of the pressure from HG’s sister and sister-out-law; I’m dragging myself out of bed, away from my hot girfriend and her stripper boobs, and posting. (HG and I are alone for the first time in THREE WEEKS PEOPLE!)

I’m posting.

The stomach thing is getting a bit better. I think those pills LeLo recommended are finally starting to work. I returned to my glamorous waitressing job last night, which was hell for so many reasons, but I digress from my original posting intent.

I went through my Mexico pictures to discover that between my daughters and I, we took almost 600 pictures. Of course, most of the pictures that the girls took were of eachother modeling or of us eating dinner, or of me when I first got out of bed, etc. We’ll be deleting most of those babies. Of those 600 pictures, I uploaded about 83 to Flickr, which you can view here.

I’ll give you a brief synopsis of our wonderful trip:

We managed to get to the airport, and through security without hand sanitizer but with plenty of time to spare. I even had enough time to guzzle a Starbucks, because of course you can’t take coffee on board an aircraft, that’s a threat to national security.

We had a lovely plane ride, HG was there to meet us and I about melted when I saw her, (remember we were away from eachother for TEN DAYS!) We stopped for groceries and at Duty Free where I was able to purchase my perfume for $56.00, which included a lotion. I would pay $72.00 for just the perfume at Macy’s or Nordstrom. I was happy. We had a lovely drive over the border and along the coast,

We arrived in Ensenada,

and onto HG’s parents and sisters house.

When we arrived, HG’s family was there to meet us. We stayed at HG’s sister and sister-out-laws vacation home. HG’s sister, CC stayed most of the week with us, which was fabulous. The minute we arrived, she was ready to take the girls out on a walk on the beach.

It was beautiful.

The next day was beach day, HG taught the girls how to boogie board.

The little girls got their hair braided,

DD#1 was feeling a bit under the weather from her Mono affliction, so she stayed in that day. Aunt CC looked after her and then made us all dinner.
Did I mention how much HG’s family rocks?
Now I know where she got it from

The next day we visited a local Mexican orphanage where we took the girls outgrown clothes and back-packs to donate.

This is the outside of the orphanage which is pretty far out from the main part of town. To get to it, you must drive a long way down a very un-improved dirt road. The orphanage is run entirely from donations and houses around 40 children, all school aged. The children are there for a variety of reasons, but mostly because their parents are too poor to take care of them, or drug addicted.

This is a mural inside.
The children have only one play structure outside, which was donated by an organization in the states,

They enjoy soccer, but don’t have the benefit of soccer equipment. They go to school during school time and during the summer they are tutored by volunteers so they do not fall behind. All of the children have chore duties and the entire orphanage was immaculate.

Can you imagine your child’s bedroom being this clean? I can only wish.
The next day we took a bus ride to La Bufadora

where we shopped and looked at the beautiful scenery.

The rest of our trip, we spent a lot of time at the beach,

we fished,

(That’s Hottie Papa, teaching the girls to fish in the ocean.)
we ate crab,

and fish,

that I caught.

(Okay, not really, I’m lying about that part.)

We had a great time! And amazingly enough, for the entire week, we somehow managed to avoid being arrested AND didn’t get stung by killer Mexican jellyfish. Who’d have thought?

And that, my friends, is my vacation post for now. I have lots more to say about it all, but alas, I’ve run out of time today. I’m off to my glamorous waitressing job for yet another fun filled evening.

Adios

Home

I’m going to post in bullet’s.

• We are home.
• Drove 14 hours yesterday with three kids.
• I am sick.
• Been sick for three days.
• Montezuma is having his revenge.
• I went to Magic Mountain feeling this way.
• Did I mention we drove 14 hours yesterday.
• We had a BLAST in Mexico!
• I LOVE HG’s family so much.
• I took about 1000 pictures.
• I promise I’ll post them soon.
• I was without all technology.
• My laptop power cord went out.
• I have about 1700 e-mails to get through.
• Most of them are about enhancing my erection.
• I survived the plane ride without “rub-rub.”
• Luckily I wasn’t wearing my gel bra.
• We picked up Ginger.
• She had a great time with her sister, (she told me.)
• More later.

Orange Alert

So, my XH was kind enough to inform me yesterday that the department of Homeland Security has raised the national threat level to Orange or High because of the bombing threat in the UK. He was certain that we were no longer going to go on our trip to Mexico due to this and wanted to know what our plans were.

Does anyone get the feeling that he doesn’t want us to go on our vacation to Mexico?

No, we’re not flying to Mexico, we’re flying to San Diego, which I don’t think is a targeted city, but just to be on the safe side, I decided to check out the Portland International Airport’s website and the Department of Propaganda, Fear, and Lies, just to see what pre-cautions I needed to take on my dangerous journey to San Diego, California.
(I know, I know, that was a terrible run-on sentence filled with prepositions and dangling articles, but I digress.)

Wow, am I glad I DID!

I found out that, (sit down, Kami,) I can’t take hand sanitizer on board the aircraft!

Hand sanitizer is my very best friend and I carry it everywhere with me. Hand sanitizer is the alternative to soap when there isn’t any. Hand sanitizer protects me and my children from deadly germs from the millions and millions of people who sit in those dirty airline seats TOUCHING things with their dirty, dirty hands.

I nearly had a panic attack right then and there.

Thank the Lord above that I have Costco nearby and they carry the “Family Pack” of Wet Ones. Inow have a huge pack of wipes, refill wipes and even those cute little individually wrapped wipes that I can keep in my purse. It’s the next best thing to hand sanitizer really.

Now my only fear is that I’ll go through security and they’ll tell me those are illegal too.

I’ll tell you what.
TSA and the National Guard will take those anti-bacterial wipes out of my cold, dead hands before I give them up.
I’m serious people.

A big thanks to my XH for the heads-up. Since I rarely watch the news, I probably would have arrived at the airport with bottles of sunscreen, shampoo and hand sanitizer to be instantly suspected of hating America. And I wouldn’t have had my “back-up plan” of wipes.

Shudder.

So, what’s next?

So this morning I had an appointment with the Monkey Waxer, (as Bucky would call her. . .)And that story is best left for another day.
Let’s just say that I was in a hands and knees position with a stranger holding hot wax on a stick.
And to think that she didn’t even buy me dinner first.

But I digress.

Tuesday evening DD#1 said she wasn’t feeling well and her legs hurt. Well, after a soccer tournament all weekend, in which she played great:

and a summer of six hours per week soccer practice, I wasn’t shocked that her legs were a little bit sore. She moped around all evening, I gave her advil and then yesterday she wasn’t feeling great, but still wanted to go mirror shopping with me. After that, she came home and laid on the couch all day.

This morning she had a fever, I gave her some more advil and she was starting to feel better. I had the neighbor look after the little girls and I was off to the torture of my Brazillian Bikini wax with Angelika.

By the time I came home, (30 minutes later,) from having hair ripped out of the most sensitive areas that there are on a woman, DD#1 was crying and shivering. I took her temperature again and it was up to 103.5.

Time for a visit to the pediatrician.

By the time we got into the exam room, fever was 105.3. Yikes.

After MUCH drama, and I’m talking SERIOUS drama. The nice lab man was finally able to get a blood draw and the doctor diagnosed her with Mono-nucleosis!
Yeah, I know. The “kissing disease.” She swears she did not swap any spit with anyone, and I am inclined to believe her. So somehow, somewhere, my pre-teen daughter contracted this virus which will have her out from soccer for a month and no horse back riding on our vacation.

Luckily, she did get the big thumbs up for our vacation, and even roller coaster rides are okay as long as she doesn’t walk around too much and get fatigued.  But this is what she’ll be doing for the next couple of days:

So, my partner is gone, I’m dealing with an unreasonable XH, phone calls to lawyers, e-mails to lawyers, lawyer bills, stress, anxiety, worry, lonliness, indecisive bathroom paint colors, and now sick babies.

What’s next?

I shudder to think.

I shouldn’t be left alone

I rearrange stuff.

And buy stuff.

Like new mirrors over the fireplace:

It was on SALE people! And DD#1 picked it out.

I also found this little beauty at Marshalls for $16.99:

Before HG left for her ten days away from me, we had NOTHING on the walls. We had stuff to go on the walls, but nothing ever made it there. In my desolation, depression, and anxiety, I changed that:

(Yes, those are the pictures that came with the frames; give me a little bit…)

But did I do the dishes yet???????

Scattered

HG has been gone for four days.

Five more days until I see her again; unless our plans are changed.

The girls and I are supposed to meet her for our ten day vacation that we have been planning and although I am confident that everything will go as planned; XH is suddenly pulling a bunch of bullshit saying that I can’t take the girls.

I guess that’s why I’m paying a lawyer buttloads of money, so she can deal with the bullshit. Of course I still needed to write a ten page dissertation explaining and outlining my entire ten day vacation to reassure and satisfy XH’s irrational mind; whatever.
Will it ever end?

I swear to God, I find myself thinking, “I just want to get away from him.” Didn’t I get away from him when we divorced? I thought so, but apparently not. Not away from him, not away from his friends who spy on me and call him to tell hm if DD#1 misses soccer practice or she’s late for a warm-up. I stayed in this town because I thought it was good for our children, that they would adjust better to the changes in their lives in a familiar environment. HG and I discussed this when we decided to move in together and I was adament about staying in this town. Now I wonder if I made the right decision.

Every time I leave my house, every time I drop off my kids at a function, every time I go to the store or the movies or to dinner, I feel that underlying anxiety of it all. Is that worth it? Is that better for the kids than to move them to another town where we don’t feel like every person is either a friend or an adversary, and not knowing which is which and who is what?

It’s all a little too much to take sometimes.

I feel a little scattered and un-focused. Sitting here helps to clear my mind, taking the girls to their respective camps and practices occupies the hours. DD#1 and I hung some pictures on our still naked walls today but I never bothered to clean up the stuff from that project and I still haven’t unloaded the dishwasher from yesterday.

I want to do something creative and useful, like paint my bathroom; but I can’t decide if I should. I couldn’t even pick out new bath mats yesterday at a stop at TJ Maxx, I don’t know how I would pick out a color. Brown? That’s what I was thinking.

I’m scattered.

There are socks all over the house that Ginger keeps finding. I have realized that I’m not good at having the girls pick up the family room when I’m left to my own devices. The girls are complaining that their soccer socks aren’t clean; I told them to wear them over again, HG would have washed the socks for them. Did I mention I haven’t unloaded the dishwasher?
Now I’m off. Two soccer camps and two soccer practices. Somewhere in there I’ll fit in dinner. I was thinking Red Robin. The mortgage broker sent me a gift card and HG doesn’t like that place. The girls like their boca burgers but every time we order them, they always bring a gardenburger and we need to have them re-made.

The stress of it all.

Five more days until the calm in my life is back in place. I miss her so much.

Ask RSG

Dear RSG, 

My gf and I have now finally told our ultra-conservative & overly religious parents about our relationship.

My parents are handling it quite well, predominantly because I came out to them about a year ago and they’ve obviously had some time to adjust to everything and work through most of the issues that people in their situation would have with regard to someone wanting to live a ‘gay lifestyle’.

My gf’s mom is not handling it too well. Clearly the shock of hearing that her daughter is gay, has been having a long term relationship with another woman and that this woman happens to be someone that she has treated as her own child is a bit hectic.

The big problem is that my relationship with my parents has always been solid in the sense that I’ve always been able to discuss everything with them and we’ve always been able to reach some sort of compromise on any conflicts that arose.

My gf on the other hand has never really had any sort of real relationship with her mom. She’s always suger-coated everything, so as not to upset her mom. She was closer to her dad who passed away 7 years ago.

My question is this – how can I support my gf? I feel that whenever I comment on what’s happening with her and her mom, she thinks that I’m criticising how she’s handling the situation. If I don’t say anything, it appears as if I don’t care… Which is obviously not the case!

We are both in incredibly draining professions and have both been off sick at home, so it just feels like we’re frustrated with each other all the time.

How do I show her how much I love and support her even though her way of dealing with this is different from mine?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for the great blog!
F.
Cape Town, South Africa

Congratulations on coming out to all of your parents and living a true-to-yourself life. One thing to remind yourself is that you ARE gay; you’re not choosing to live a certain “lifestyle.” Embrace that fact and remember that without living your life authentically, your just cheating yourself and everyone else around you.

It’s a challenge in any relationship to find a way to relate to our partners. Sometimes when we grow up with different family dynamics, what makes sense to us does not make sense to our partners and it’s important to try to distinguish these differences and communicate them. Not unlike if you spoke only English but your partner’s family spoke only Spanish. It would be up to her to translate to you at family functions or during family conflicts. Family dynamics are the same way, sometimes you need to translate those differences.

You both need to understand that you also have differences in how you handle conflict and you learned this from your families. Having family conflict becomes a very personal thing, and because you don’t speak the language, your girlfriend probably feels like you just don’t get it.

You said, How do I show her how much I love and support her even though her way of dealing with this is different from mine?

She shouldn’t be dealing with this the same way that you do; she should be dealing with this the way that she does. You can be loving and supportive without solving the problem. I know this is a difficult task for a lot of people, (myself included.)

She will work through this and all you can do is just be there. Allow her the chance to talk about her feelings without trying to solve them. Don’t give her advice, don’t try to give her dialogue, (unless she asks,) and just LISTEN. Tell her that you’re so sorry that she if feeling so conflicted, guilty, bad, or whatever she is feeling and that you’re there for her no matter what.

Tell her that this will run it’s course and you are here for her to stand by her side and just hold her hand; and that you love her. You can’t do work FOR someone, but you can hellp to steady them if they might fall.

You mentioned that you’re both home sick right now. This is the perfect opportunity for the two of you to just snuggle on the couch, drink 7-up and watch some bad tv or some movies you’ve been wanting to see. Take this time to reconnect and just “be” together.

Dealing with family issues is difficult and it can be much more difficult during the coming out process. I’m sure your girlfriends mother will come around and be fine; she loves her daughter and sounds like she loves you too. Sometimes these things just take time.

Best of luck!
RSG

Calling all RSG’s

As I have mentioned previously, I often receive e-mails from other women who are in their own Recovering Straight Girl process and leaving their marriages or other hetero relationships.
When my “transition” was first happening, I truly felt as though I was the one and only woman who had ever gone through something like this. Here I was, married with three kids, living in the suburbs with everything that most people would ever want and something so intense took over me that changed my life.

Everyone told me that I was crazy. My XH, my friends, even some of my family. One of my “best” friends told me that she wished I could just go to the hospital and get electric shock therapy to snap me out of it. I felt alone and lost and wished that I could go to sleep and never wake up.

One day I was doing a search on the internet trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I came accross a message board on iVillage.com called Lesbian Life. There I connected with other lesbians for the first time and a LOT of them were also once married, living a seemingly straight life, many with children. It was definitely a lifeline.

Once I started blogging, I kind of lost the time to keep up with the message board; it’s kind of a time committment to keep current and I found another way to process and connect with other people. Since I started this blog, I can’t tell you how many women have reached out to ME to give them support and guidance through their own ordeal, and I’m happy to do it. That was the birth of “Ask RSG.” Sometimes people just need a little support, sometimes they have questions, and I don’t post every e-mail that I receive; but I’m always happy to hear from all of you other RSG’s out there.

Today, I want you to do me a favor and delurk.

All of the RSG’s, just leave me a comment because I really want to know how many of you are out there who read and don’t comment. I’ve made it so that you don’t need to be registered to comment, so don’t be shy, and if you have a blog, be sure to put it in the space provided so I can check YOU out! If you want to include a short bio in your comment, (how long you were married, kids, how long you’ve been in recovery, etc.) that would be great.

It’ll be fun!

Oh, and even if I already “know” you, still leave a comment, (Sassy, Bucky, etc.  You know who you are…)