RSG, the Media Critic: “The Kids Are All Right”

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to a screening of the film, “The Kids Are All Right,” starring Annette Benning and Julianne Moore. The publicity company contacted me and set me up with some sweet reserved press seats to which Cher and I were personally escorted to. This made me feel quite fancy and important and I liked the movie already. Ok, that didn’t really influence me but I did feel super posh.

I have thoughts about this movie and I’ve waited awhile to write about this until I was sure of those thoughts. If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to know the main storyline, don’t continue reading

The story is about a lesbian couple with two teenage children, one of who recently turned 18. The children seek out their donor and make contact with him, much to the dismay of their moms. A relationship ensues: the donor with the daughter, the donor with the son and the donor with one of the moms (Moore.)

There were things I liked: I liked the fact that the lesbian couple was portrayed with normality–they were a typical couple dealing with life and family and frankly sometimes that is difficult and dready. They loved each other but had issues to work through just like most couples. They loved their children very much and gave them a good and stable home and raised them to be seemingly good people.

The acting was glorious. The photography was amazing. It was funny and touching in many parts.

Moore and Benning actually looked like middle aged women, which is refreshing.

There were things I didn’t like:

Many parts of the movie reinforce stereotypes that we as lesbians have tried to overcome. I would like to dispell them here:

1. Lesbians do not need to watch gay porn in order to get off. Many of us enjoy watching porn of different kinds and gay porn is pretty rad but it’s not a required accoutrement to lezzie sex.

2. Lesbians are not waiting for the right guy to come along or need a good fuck to make us realize we’re not gay.

3. Although I know many lesbians who enjoy wine (myself included,) we’re not all wine lushes.

The Julianne Moore character needed someone and something in her life that happened to turn out to be in the form of some straight fucking. Her self esteem was in the tank and she was needy and vulnerable and ended up with a dude. Although I understand this was an example of sexual fluidity, I don’t think that a mainstream audience will get this message.

This movie could have been more than it was. I realize that no matter how it would have been made, there would be people who would criticize it’s authenticity and resemblance to actual lesbian relationships.Lesbian relationships are not much different than hetero relationships, which is to say that they are unique to each couple.

Here’s what I think the movie got right: Sometimes peoples relationships get off track. Sometimes people cheat on their partners. Sometimes one person in a relationship forgets how amazing the other person is. Sometimes your relationship is strong enough to overcome adversity and sometimes it isn’t. Raising children under any circumstance is difficult. Sometimes being a mother sucks. That’s just real life and real life was represented in this movie. I just wish that the movie came with footnotes.

100

Degrees it was yesterday but I am not complaining. I would rather it be 100 than 60 and I would certainly rather 100 than 40, which is what it was when we were camping over the 4th of July. So the weekend it was cold, we went camping in the mountains. The weekend that it is hot, we’re camping nearer the valley. Camping=Fail. Either way, I love the camping and I love the summer so I’m happy.

I’m starting to think I would really like to move to a warmer climate. I’m saying this coming off of nearly ten months of weather that required a sweater or a jacket with only occasional breaks. This causes me to wonder if perhaps I am getting terribly old? I don’t want to run off to Florida or anything–just maybe northern California. Unfortunately the glich in my plan is that my family and my childrens father are here in Oregon and unless they are all planning on moving with us, it’s pretty much a no go. But I like to think about it. Each season brings with it the good and the not as good, highs and lows, love and loss.

My girls’ grandmother passed away yesterday. She had been ill for many years but I always thought that she would eventually get better. She did not. From what I know, she was quite sick at the end and it pains me to think of anyone going through that process of knowing that death is just around the corner but not quite knowing what it looks like. When I think of her, I try to imagine her being comforted and dotted on by her mother, who I know was by her side the entire time and probably when she slipped from this life into the next realm. Even though a child should not die before her children, there is something amazing about being there the moment someone comes into this world and then ushering that person out of the world as well. Death comes to all of us and it is natural as being born–it can be just as beautiful and doesn’t need to be a scary, dark or horrible time. I’m trying to help my girls through this and day by day and eventually they will be able to process their loss. I feel for their father and hope that he is taking care of himself at this time–I know that he doesn’t handle this type of thing very well and I hope that he can find some peace and love as he journeys through. He won’t know how to talk to the girls about this so I’m glad that they have three other parents to pick up and help him out but he will also need to make his own way. I wish him well.

Yesterday I was sitting in my ex’s wife’s car talking to her about this situation and planning out the weekend since their father is away. It just seemed so normal to be doing this–to be collaborating on what is best for the girls and who would be taking care of them which day, etc. I was telling my BFF Neighbor Judy about the conversation when she interrupted me and said, “How can you do that?”

I looked at her and said, “Do what?”

“Sit and talk to her, knowing that she says terrible things about you.”

I don’t know why I am why I am. No one taught me to be this way–I just am. I’m probably forgiving to a fault and I don’t hold grudges. I’m happy to give a person a pass on causing me pain in some way and I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  My ex and his wife care for our children 40% of the time. They love them. It doesn’t matter what has happened between he and I, the girls need parents who try to get along and communicate–for their benefit and for ours. Sometimes one or the other of us may be the only one trying to do that, but I hope that I will always try to be above pettiness and think about what is best for my girls.

More than anything, I want to be a better person and know that at the end of my life, I will not be on my deathbed wishing I had been nicer and more forgiving when I had the chance. I hope that will be the case.

Hot Love in the Summertime

Ahhh. Summer arrived in the Northwest and it has been absolutely glorious. I’ve been doing projects around the house and last weekend I took fourteen teenage girls camping. I have not yet recovered. Yesterday I bought firewood and a miter saw on Craigslist and I’m going to build a firewood storage area on my side yard. Cher asked if she could see my “plans” before I started building it. I didn’t know what she meant. Still don’t.

Last night I took Halsey to see “Eclipse” and it didn’t suck except for the part where the movie theatre must turn the air conditioning off after midnight because I felt as though I could not breathe. Mikayla has been camp counseling this week, which is different from what Halsey told the waitress at a restaurant we where at who asked where Mikayla was. “She’s at Counseling Camp,” she told her. It kind of made it sound as though I’d shipped her off to a sanitarium which wouldn’t make any sense since I’m the one who should probably be shipped off there.

We’re taking the girls camping this weekend for the fourth and Cher and I are going again next weekend with her team so I have a lot of planning ahead. I would like to say that I’ll be sitting in my loungey chair reading magazines but I don’t want to set myself up for any disappointment since one never knows what may happen when one is camping.

Other than the camping, I see a lot of building projects in my future. And spray paint. I adore spray paint and I have discovered that it now comes in a wide array of beautiful colors fit for painting just about anything. I have also discovered power washing and have been power washing everything in sight (and then sometimes spray painting it.) Did you know you can spray paint plastic? Who knew?

I have also discovered the best reality show on television, The Fabulous Beekman Boys. Watch it. You’ll laugh so hard you will cry. I asked Cher if we could buy a small farm but she doesn’t want to hear about it. Imagine how many things I could build and spray paint if I had a small farm . . .

As I was saying.

матрациAbout Summer? It hasn’t come yet. Everyone on Twitter and Facebook and in real life are all complaining about the weather and I get it. The weather totally sucks ass. My garden is getting to look so beautiful but things can not grow without sunshine and we have not had any sunshine to speak of for longer than a day at a time. And it rains all the time and I’m totally sick of it.

It’s useless to complain about the weather because there isn’t a thing one can do about it, but it certainly does make one feel a bit better and I do take some comfort in knowing that a month from now it will be over 100 degrees and my air conditioner will freeze up and I’ll be miserable and hot. I can’t wait.

There’s a lot going on in Portland today. It’s PRIDE weekend of course and that’s always fun. It is also the Rose City Rollers Championship Bout! Cher’s team, the Guns N Rollers will be playing for either third or fourth place, (We’re Number Three!!!) I’m hoping that they will win so that they are not the winners of losers two years in a row, but however it turns out, it will be an incredibly well-fought and well-played game, I’m sure.

I’m helping to put together the new blog for the league and have recruited some very good writers who are contributing some amazing material, check it out, link to it, comment. Please.

Also my latest column came out yesterday in Just Out and it may be interesting to the fellow RSG’s out there. Please let me know what you think.

Finally, my grades came out the other day and I’m happy to report that I completed another term of higher education with a 4.0 GPA. Not bad for a deadbeat I suppose! It is a very good feeling to work hard towards something and know that it is all for a good reason! Life is pretty damn good!!!

Summer

You wouldn’t know it by the weather around here, but Summer Break has arrived! I haven’t had a chance to really enjoy much of it yet, but I’m hoping to soon. This time of the year is tough in the Pacific Northwest and every year I’m aware of it even more. This was the first Winter we didn’t take a vacation somewhere warm so I think it’s been even harder–but I know the sun is coming soon–and I am looking forward to fun times with friends and my girls.

I have a long reading list and a long project list as well. I will also be working on my book proposal for “The Recovering Straight Girl’s Guide to Lesbian Life” coming to a bookstore near you. As soon as I write it that is!

I want to make a list of Summer To-Do’s and was wondering what other people have on theirs. Last Summer I did a lot of things for the first time and I’m looking forward to adding some items this year! What’s on your list? Are you going on vacation? If so, where? What else are you going to do? Let’s chat!

How To Be a Deadbeat Mom

My sniffle turned into a sinus infection and a possible case of Pertussis. I didn’t have the Pertussis test because I had already take antibiotics for the sinus infection and they would have been effective for the Pertussis if I did have it. Instead I got loaded up on a variety of cough medicines and an inhaler. I scare people a little when I cough and it’s annoying. I feel like I’m going to puke.

But it’s much better and even though I got a little behind in my school work, I ramped up pretty quick and I’m now looking at one more week of classes and two finals until I’m finished with the term. This makes me so very happy for so many reasons but mostly so I can just take a breath.

Despite what some people may think, going to school full-time and managing everything else that I manage in my life, (the list is too long to give justice by making a list,) is one of the very hardest things that I have ever done in my life. I realize that I set my expectations high for my achievement, but I don’t think that I could do it any other way. I want to do well. I want to learn everything that I can so that I can pass that knowledge on to my children and to others in the world. This is how a society elevates–through education. Ignorance breeds apathy and I don’t want to be ignorant or apathetic. I want to make a difference in the world and I will do that by working hard, learning a lot and passing that knowledge on in whatever situation I can.

Recently I was told that my going to school full time is a luxury and that my earning an advanced degree is not beneficial to my girls.

Obviously this is a value judgment and that needs to be taken into consideration. It is also a judgment made in ignorance, which is very sad for the person who made it. Finally, it is a testament of exactly why my getting an advanced degree benefits my girls.

I was also referred to as a Dead-Beat Mom. Hmmm. I thought. If I am a dead-beat mom, I should probably know how to be one and let others know as well, so I compiled a list.

How To Be A Dead-Beat Mom
By: The Recovering Straight Girl

1. Give up your career and educational ambitions (even if you haven’t yet figured out what those ambitions are) in order to stay at home and raise your children. (This alone qualifies you as a deadbeat mom because you won’t be bringing in any money and contributing to the household financially.)

2. Support your partner emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually as he or she focuses on his or her career and educational ambitions while you stay at home and raise your children.This includes but is not limited to: caring for the home, meals, shopping, childcare, education for the children, social calendar etc. so that your partner doesn’t need to spend any time worrying about any of these things and can focus solely on his or her educational or career goals. (Really, what do you DO all day long?)

3. During this time, allow your partner to financially support you. Loser.

4. When you eventually go through a divorce, accept the state ordered spousal and child support for you and your children. (Fully take advantage of your ex when you should get off your lazy ass and get a job making a salary large enough to support you and your children. What? You haven’t worked outside of the home in over ten years? What? You don’t have a college degree? Who’s problem is that? Obviously you should have been DOING something with your life for the last ten years.)

5. Re-marry/partner. Share household duties and expenses with your significant other. Whatever you negotiate with your current spouse/partner is up for approval from your ex.  Relying on your partner to provide for the girls is not acceptable.

6. Go back to college to earn your degree. This is the ultimate sign of a dead beat as going to university and going to college is a LUXURY, and really . . . How does a masters degree help the girls? We just don’t see how they’ll benefit from you getting a masters degree, most likely eight years from now. I actually don’t think you’ll graduate at all, hopefully you’ll prove me wrong. But so what if you do, how does that benefit the girls?

7. Be sure to put your financial WANTS (like getting a college degree) ahead of your children’s financial NEEDS (like pursuing a hobby, extra-curricular activity or outside interest.)

8. Take out thousands of dollars in student loans so that you can afford to give your children the things that you think they NEED (food, clothes, shoes, shelter, lunch money, deodorant, school fees, etc.) and many of the things that you think they WANT (more clothes, make-up, straighteners, laptops, cell phones, dinners out, camping trips, summer camps, etc.) Paying for the girls expenses out of your financial aid money is not acceptable.

9. Try to teach your children that valuing love, friendship, community, the environment and education are more important than having everything that we want when we want it. Support your children emotionally. Probably every deadbeat dad, or in your case deadbeat mom says this.

10. Finally, don’t have a job while going to school full-time and taking care of your family. Even if you do work part-time, make sure that whatever it is that you do (like say, freelance write,) isn’t acceptable to your ex. You choose not to work full time, you choose not to work part time, you choose not to work at all. Meanwhile, everyone around you picks up the slack so that the girls can have things that they are accustom to.

There you go. Now you can also strive to be a deadbeat mom. It’s a lot of hard work but if you follow the steps I’ve outlined, you should be able to achieve your goal.

The commentary is italics is not my own writing. They were lifted from someone else and were sent with all due respect.

Keep me abreast on how your progress is, I’d love to hear about it!

Sniffle

Somehow I managed to get through the entire flu season without even a sniffle and now that the weather cleared for us this weekend and I was super busy with a million things, I have been plagues with a sickness. At first I was unsure if it was an allergy or if I was getting a cold and I tried to assure myself that it was the former rather than the latter. This morning I realized I was wrong. I shouldn’t complain, I haven’t been sick in over a year.  So I won’t. Instead I’m going to focus on taking care of myself and resting–something I don’t do very often. Although this morning Kennedy laid a blanket out on the couch and said, “I made you a couch bed,” something I always do for them when they are sick! She’s taking care of her mom and is definitely a keeper.

I had a very nice Mother’s Day. The girls, (really Cher,) bought me two 4X4 garden boxes so that I can grow vegetables and herbs this summer. There is only one spot at our home that gets full sun and that is in the very front of the front yard. Guess where my garden boxes are going? In the very front of the front yard and I don’t give a crap if that’s not the proper place for a vegetable garden and I don’t care what the neighbors say. Ha. Rebellious again, but I will have tomatoes and cucumbers and lettuce and what not this summer, barring I don’t kill everything that is!

This past Saturday I had the privilege of speaking at a fundraiser where I told a story about motherhood. I know that I’m not the same mother that I may have been before and I know I’m not the same as other mothers. There are times that I really don’t like being a mother very much (usually this is when the girls are screaming and fighting about something important like a bobby pin or hair bow.) I know that I won’t win any Mother of the Year awards and I don’t need to. I do know that the three girls that I am raising are good ones and I hope they will be good women in the world and stand up for themselves and for justice everywhere. I want them to be anything in the world that they want to be as long as they do it with love in their heart and don’t act like a douchebag in the process. Then I will know that I’ve done an okay job.

Last week I became the mother of another teenager; Halsey had a birthday and turned 13.

I knew this day would come someday, as I realize that the day will come soon enough that I will have three teenagers in my house. For now, I’ll just tread lightly into this territory and try to hold onto them as long as I can, for I know the days are becoming shorter. I don’t know what will happen then but I’m not going to worry so much. I’m going to focus on living life and enjoying the moments with them that are fun and loving and happy. The rest will figure itself out because it always does.

For right now though, I need to take care of myself which entails my sitting on the couch and watching movies. The one I have in now has subtitles and my French is pretty sub-par so I should probably read what’s on the bottom of the screen. I need some tissues and gingerale and some Italian Wedding Soup so if you’re out and about, please stop at the Safeway and pick some up. Thanks.

From the Window

I’ve been doing midterms and before that I was away with Cher for the weekend and before that I was doing derby stuff. Probably tomorrow I’ll have some free time after I attend four ice skating programs (performed by my amazingly talented daughters.)

I should be finishing a paper right now but I thought I’d pop over to sit a spell and take a moment to watch the world.

Outside of the window where I’m sitting a group of daycare children just walked by two by two in a line. The first thing I thought when I saw them was “Oh, wow, look how those children are learning about socialization.” They are being socialized and their teachers are socializing them even though they have no idea why or how they’re doing it.

There’s a guy standing in the Park blocks yelling at the top of his lungs–I assume he’s preaching. Another guy is confronting him and they are having an argument. The preacher guy looks like a professor I had last year, but it is definitely not him. Now another man is confronting the guy who is confronting the preacher guy and now I really wish I was one of the people outside standing by a tree, smoking a cigarette so I could hear what they are saying. (I don’t smoke anymore but everyone out there standing against trees are smoking.)

I can sit here and make all kinds of assumptions about the people I’m watching (outside of the fact that the confronting guy looks like my former professor. It’s not him. It’s definitely not him.) I wonder if Mr. Notmyprofessor is in a cult and he has to do Park Block preaching in order to pass a test of some kind. Does God require this? I automatically don’t like him for several reasons. First: I don’t like his jeans. Second: He’s loud and people are trying to enjoy their cigarettes and short glimpses of sunshine. Third: I assume that he is probably saying bad things about my deviant gay lifestyle and how I’ll burn in hell and how I don’t deserve to have children. Ah. It’s so tiresome, but I suppose he has the right to annoy people and I have the right to not like his jeans. It’s only fair.

Before I depart and finish my paper I will make some other short observations:

• Leggings are not pants. Period.
• There are very few pigeons in the park.
• Walking and typing on a laptop at the same time is just wrong.
• I love it when the bells ring and noon and there are 12 gongs. I always count the gongs.
• There are a LOT of women who go to school at Portland State who wear big head scarfs. I don’t know what they are called but they are pretty. I also wonder if they coordinate the scarfs with their outfits or is it just random.

Finally. Mr. Notmyprofessor is finished and his friend has taken over. He is not wearing jeans.

What’s going on outside of your window? It’s really fascinating if you really take the time to take a gander.

Overwhelming

What am I doing? Why did I think that going back to school was a good idea? Really?

All it is doing is putting me further in debt, taxing my wife and stressing everyone out. I don’t have enough money for things that I want and need and I’m a complete burden on Cher. I try to tell myself that I do a lot. I take care of the house, pay the bills, cook, clean, grocery shop, run kids around, volunteer and a million other things but then I remind myself that I would have to do that stuff anyway–even if I was working and earning a salary. I try to tell myself that Cher gets something out of it (someone to cook, clean, pay the bills, grocery shop, etc.) but then I remind myself that if she wasn’t with me, she wouldn’t need someone to do those things for her–she would only be taking care of herself.

I’m not feeling like things are equitable in my relationship and in my life right now. I feel like I’m taking advantage of my wife’s generosity and eventually she’s going to resent me for it. In a way I feel like she already does. I really fail to see how anything in this relationship benefits her at all and I’m just waiting for it to all fall apart.

I don’t like being dependent on someone. I especially don’t like feeling like my dependency is a cause of contention in any way but this seems to be a recurring theme in my life and I’m not quite sure how to get it to stop. I want to finish my degree, but at what cost?

Love only goes so far. Sooner or later people start to keep score and compare and figure out that they’re not getting back what they’re putting in–whether that’s financial or otherwise–and then they start to question what they’re doing. That’s what  I fear.

It was different when I was married. My husband and I had our children together–we made a decision on how to raise them, with me staying at home with them. The girls and I were his responsibility because we were the family that he helped to make. Cher doesn’t have any responsibility for my girls, we are not the family that she helped to make. She does things for them because she loves me and loves them, but ultimately it’s not her weight to carry.

I like to think that if the situation was reversed that I would look at all of my resources as shared and realize that each person contributes–some more financially significantly than others–but that it is all ours. I don’t know and I can’t know because I’ve only ever been the one doing this part of the partnership–the unpaid part. I have no idea how I would feel going to work every day while my partner went to school–maybe I would be resentful too.

It’s all too overwhelming.

Reminders

I have finished another term of higher education and although a new term starts in a week, I’m grateful to have a few more credits under my belt. I am a second term junior now, which makes me very happy that there is an end in sight (until possible graduate school of course, but let’s take it one step at a time.

Cher and I celebrate our anniversary on the 16th of every month and have since the first-month-anniversary we shared together on February 16, 2006. Even if we just acknowledge it on that day and go out for a dinner that weekend, we’ve always celebrated it in some way. We had our Four Year, Two Month anniversary last week and for the first time in Four Years and Two Months, we forgot about it.

I am really trying not to over think what this means because I am well aware of the fact that we are extremely busy with our lives. She has practice three times a week, the girls have piano lessons, skating lessons, Halsey has jr. derby practice twice a week, every day there is homework for the girls and housework and shopping and cleaning and I do have a (very) part time job and a (very) full-time school load. I know I should just cut us a break and realize that it’s okay, but a part of me feels a bit of a loss, like we don’t value our relationship as much anymore.

I know that’s not true, because I know that we both do, but I’m dramatic and I over-analyze stuff all the time but I worry that it’s a symptom of something negative and I’m not sure how to get over that. I know relationships ebb and flow and that the “romance” part of a relationship can’t stay on fire all of the time, but ours always has and frankly I don’t want to lose any part of that. I don’t want to accept that we’re both tired and busy and that it’s good enough. It IS good enough, I just want better than good enough. I want magic all the time!

I know. That’s not realistic, but still.

Last weekend, I celebrated my 20-21 birthday with friends and had a great time. This week, I’m looking forward to spending some time with my girls, getting a few things done around our house and celebrating my birthday on Wednesday going to Backfence PDX with my friend Scrappy. Thursday, Cher is taking me out for a birthday dinner and the weekend is filled with derby plus a visit from a friend of Cher’s. Tuesday, I go back to school and the crazies start all over again.

Except for next month, on April 16th, I won’t forget something very important.