Wanted: Motivation

It’s that time in my school term when I ask myself, “What the hell am I doing?” I try to remind myself that it’s just that time in the term when I ask myself this question and move on.

If there is one thing I have gotten really good at in life, it’s reasoning with myself. I can talk myself in or out of most things; we have long conversations and I am able to point out all sorts of things to myself. We like it. As I have gotten older I have a self-awareness that allows me to know that every couple of weeks I feel very blah and don’t want to do anything. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t make anything work and I’m a complete failure. I know that when that happens I need to do certain things to help myself feel better and keep moving forward because I know it will get better very soon.

Yesterday I bought myself some daffodils. Today I’m going to get my ass in gear (as soon as I’m finished writing this) and do some work, some homework, have a meeting and later I’ll reward myself with a date with my sweet friend Sarah. There will be wine and pedicures involved. Tomorrow I must catch up on my Fiction writing class and then I should feel better about things.

I hope.

I didn’t realize that this Sunday is the Superbowl. I know that I could Google it, but I don’t even know who is playing and I don’t want you to tell me. The reason I didn’t know that it is the Superbowl this Sunday is because I haven’t been invited to a Superbowl party. Won’t you please invite me to yours? I promise I’ll root for the right team.I’ll even bring some chips.

When my motivation returns I have a letter or two to write and a bathroom to paint and shelves to hang up. Also Ginger needs a haircut. I should make a list but I’m afraid at this point in my lack of motivation the list might overwhelm me.

I will pay the garbage bill however. I don’t want THAT to happen again.

Did I tell you about that Internet? How I forgot to pay the garbage bill? I just forgot. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the money in the bank, because I did. I just forgot. The bill only comes every other month and I throw it in the drawer. In November I forgot to pay it and they took my garbage cans away.

Cher was not pleased and we had no garbage cans for a week.

So I made a really big payment and paid it ahead and now it’s due again. $41.67. I should put it on my list.

I’m not good with money. I never have been. I do budget but I don’t write stuff down in my checkbook because I just assume that there is money in there. I have a “head-in-the-sand” attitude and really I have come to terms with this. I’m good at SO many other things so I don’t dwell on it so much–it works for the most part.

Well, except when I forget to pay the garbage bill but I don’t see that happening again.

It’s 9:18 and I’m hoping at 10:00 some of my motivation will kick in. If you have some extra, won’t you please send some to me?

Step Off Douchebags

Oh my God. Really. God?

I don’t know what to say.

Today my friend A. was harassed by an old woman on the campus of Portland State University while she was sitting there and minding her own business listening to her iPod. The woman started a conversation with her and asked her if she was gay. A. told her that she was and the woman began to bombard her with slurs and disgusting rhetoric.

She told her that Jesus wanted her to know that she was unwelcome.

Really?

Do these fucking douchebags even know who Jesus was? Have they READ the bible? Because I have and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that Jesus would never tell my sweet friend A. that she was unwelcome anywhere. Jesus would most likely want to hang out with A. and have a beer with her (or wine, I think Jesus liked the wine.) I can totally see Jesus and A. sitting around in their (robes) and chit chatting about life and literature and politics. A is brilliant and could talk about all kind of stuff with him (she’s also Jewish so she’d know that stuff too.) He might hit on her (because she’s pretty) and she’d blush and tell him that she’s in a long-term committed relationship with her girlfriend (also A., I need more letters.) He would say something like, “All the good ones are lesbians” and they would laugh and have another glass of wine.

Jesus would totally dig A. and that douchebag asshat old lady needs to STEP OFF.

The coincidence of all of this is that several people came to A’s side while she was being harassed by this woman and I found out later that one of those people was my darling friend Chuck who is the partner of one of Cher’s teammates.

The universe is a queer place and I find it amazing that two of my favorite people in the world would be in the same place at the same time with one of them in a vulnerable position and one of them in a position to help. I guess that is what makes balance in the world and for that I am grateful. I’m sorry that A. had to be in that place but I’m glad that Chuck was there to support her.

Now if we could get rid of all the douchebags.

I’m really tired of them. I’m tired of their rhetoric and their judgment and their lies. I’m tired of them twisting literature into what suits them and I’m tired of them hurting people.

Every night I lay my head on my wife and think about how much I love her. I don’t question that love, I don’t measure it against other people’s love. I don’t wonder if the love I have for her is right or wrong because I already know the answer.

All love is right.

And

Douchebags Be Gone.

Four

Four years ago I walked into a crowded Starbucks in Lake Oswego, Oregon to meet a girl for coffee. I didn’t know it then but my life was about to change.

Back then, I never would have seen myself here. This is what makes life exciting, delightful and magical–the unknown of what is to come. I couldn’t have seen what was around the corner and I still can’t but it is my wish to always have Cher by my side along the way.

Four years ago I met someone who would change my life, all for the better.

Four years ago I entered into the something that I was waiting for all my life.

Four years ago my heart and soul opened up to a new understanding and awareness.

Four years ago.

Happy Anniversary Cher! I love you more with every breath I take!

Different Worlds

My kids are growing up. I now have talks with them about condom use and safer sex. There are girls who are pregnant in the high school. There are other ones who engage in oral sex without a condom because they don’t know you can get a STD from oral sex. The “Abstinence Only” sex education program that the school teaches doesn’t work. It never has worked and it never will.

I went to Target and bought a big box of condoms of different styles and flavors. My middle daughter asked what the flavored ones were for. I directed her to the conversation about oral sex. I hope she remembers this for the future and I hope that the future of that is far away. I told Mikayla to put the condoms in a safe place and if any of her friends need some, she should give them to him or her. I really want my kids to wait to engage in sex until they’re mature enough to handle it and take care of themselves. I know I can’t control that, I can only try to give them the information that they need.

I know these kids. These kids who are having oral sex and getting pregnant. I’ve known them since they were little. I don’t know how the time has gone by so fast. I feel like I need ten years back.

I saw a girl today in the grocery store who is taller than I am and has blue hair. I remember her when she was three and wearing a black velvet dress at a holiday party. Mikayla didn’t like her. She called her “the black one” because she was wearing a black dress and I always thought it was funny how Mikayla would identify people by the color they were wearing. The day of that party I discovered that Mikayla had the chicken pox while she was taking a nap. It was confirmed when I was getting her ready for bed. I told her that we were going to need to go to the doctor the next morning because I thought she was going to have the chicken pox. She looked at me and said, “But Mommy, I’ve already had dinner.”

I had to call the mother of “the black one” and tell her that her kid was exposed to the chicken pox. I also had to inform every other mother who was at that holiday party. Some of the mother’s were happy and hoped that their kids would get it. Others, like my friend Shari, were mad at me. Like it was my fault?

I socialize with women who were my age then. This is weird to me sometimes. It’s like I live in different worlds and have had different lives within my one life. They haven’t had their children yet. Some of them may not have any. Mine are growing up. I grew up. I am always a mom. I’m a mom even when the girls are with their father, but when they’re with their father, I have this other life. I have my wife and my friends. I go out to events, I go to parties, I have nice dinners in restaurants and drink Pinot Noir and martinis. I stay in bed until 10. Or 11. Sometimes I lay on the couch and watch old movies. I have sex in the middle of the day.

I don’t feel guilty about any of this. I feel lucky.

But it makes me realize how fragmented parts of my life are at times. Not fragmented in a bad way, just a bit fragmented.

I look in the mirror now and I see lines that weren’t there before. I’ve never been weird about my age but when I look at these girls who are ten years younger than I am, it reminds me that I am ten years older than they are. I don’t think any amount of Vitamin E oil will bring back those ten years. No amount of yoga or pilates will lift my boobs back to where they were in 1994. But even if given the choice, I wouldn’t go back to that world when I was 30. I like this world better.

Even if I live in a couple of them at a time.

Wintry Updates

Winter Term has started and I feel very spoiled this time. I am only attending classes at the university two days per week and taking one online writing class. The online writing class is a fiction writing class, which completely terrifies me beyond belief. I have absolutely no idea how to write fiction, but I guess that’s why I’m taking a class.

I’m taking a break from Spanish this term, not because I wanted to, but because it just didn’t fit in my schedule. So don’t send me emails in Spanish for the next ten weeks, I’m putting it aside. We can have margaritas however.

It’s so wintry in Portland right now. Cold and rainy. It’s the toughest time of the year in the NW. Pushing through the next few months is going to be difficult. It makes me want to run away to somewhere sunny and bright and warm. If you would like to fly me to your beach house in the Caribbean, please let me know.

Derby season is starting next week and Cher will be leading her team on a world domination tour 2010! If you’re in Portland, come to the Season Opener on January 16 to see some amazing derby!

My mom has a few feral cats that hang around her house. One of them had four wee small kittens in September. Two of them are still around and one in particular has become very friendly and even lets my mom pick him up and pet him. My mom thinks that one of you should adopt him (she thinks he’s a boy but I don’t know for sure.) I told her I would ask. So if you want a wee cat, let me know. This would save my mother from becoming more of a Crazy Cat Woman than she already is and I would appreciate that.

Finally, my column came out yesterday. You can read it here. Be one of five and have five. Read the piece and you’ll understand that! It’s my campaign for the year!

Happy Merry 2009 Reflection

Santa came the other day. I’m not sure why he gets so much damn credit when really he doesn’t do much of anything except fly around drinking eggnog with reindeer and eating cookies. It’s the mothers who do all the bitch work for him and really I’m tired of it. I was Santa’s Bitch for the entire last week and decided that next year, he’s going to have to find a new assistant. Screw him.

He did put some cool things under the tree for the girls like roller skates and helmets and knitted boots. They girls were happy enough. My dogs were the best to me though; they bought me that super cool karaoke thing from Costco that I wanted; they are such nice dogs.

Overall it was a good holiday. I always wanted to have a Christmas Eve get-together and this year I talked Cher into letting me do it. We had just a few friends over–three couples who were without their kids for the evening (which is so hard…) and a few derby friends and my family. It was a lovely time and totally worth the hours I spent cooking and cleaning–totally worth it. Mikayla played some Christmas music and we sang carols; our friend Beth played guitar and we sang more songs–some were very gay. Very gay but very fun. Next year I hope to do it again. You should put it on your calendar.

The New Year is just around the corner. I wasn’t anticipating 2009 being a great year because I have a theory about odd numbered years, but 2009 surprised me. We had a lot of great things happen in 2009 and before I start thinking about 2010, I wanted to make sure I reflected on the great things from this year.

Cher got drafted to her team, the Guns N Rollers!

Cher and I vacationed to Ixtapa, Mexico in January on an Olivia trip and had a wonderful time with wonderful women from all over the world.

I went to San Francisco and saw my friend KP from High School.

I turned 40 in March and my wife threw me a fabulous party.

I started writing my column for Just Out, Living Out Loud.

We took our family to Hawaii.

In July I went to BlogHer09 in Chicago with Melissa Lion.

We visited the museum and saw some paintings.

I took my kids camping.

My oldest daughter broke her first bone,

Started High School,

Went to her first formal dance,

And got her learner’s permit.

My Middle Daughter joined roller derby,

My Youngest Daughter took first place in her ice skating competition. Yes, she was Wonder Woman,

Cher and I went to Seattle, Vancouver BC, and the San Juan Islands over Labor Day weekend,

We went to the Oregon Coast for Thanksgiving,

And while we were there, I wrecked my car,

It’s still not back from being fixed. $5,000 in damage, thank god for insurance.

I completed three more terms of school and managed to maintain a now 3.97 GPA (damn A-)

Mostly we spent a lot of time going to derby events and doing derby stuff,

and hanging out with our fabulous friends,

This year, I made the greatest new friends, spent time with the greatest old friends, grew a lot emotionally, had amazing new experiences (got my first tattoo, had my eyebrow pierced, took a ride on the back of a Harley, discovered the beauty of gin, and much, much more.)

I know that I neglected my blog (a lot) and I know that many of my readers have moved on (I understand) but I hope to make more of an effort and take this blog to a bit of a different direction in 2010. I’m so, so grateful to all of you who email me and friend me on Facebook. If you want to be my friend on Facebook, please do, just let me know who you are so I know you’re not a serial killer.

My next post will be about what I hope for 2010. This post is a gratitude post about the great things in my life from 2009. Thank you 2009, you will be hard to top!

Shit Happens

Yesterday Cher and I came home from our 3 Year, 11 Month Anniversary Date to find that the girl’s toilet was super clogged. We plunged for an hour and still clogged. I poured bleach down the toilet and cleaned everything and put a garbage can on top so no one would use it. Everyone was directed to use the downstairs powder room instead. Until we realized that it too is clogged.

Well, I’m not a plumber, but I’m guessing that since the two bathrooms are one under the other, that maybe the pipes are connected? And I’m also guessing that the cause of this problem might have something to do with the fact that there are five girls living in this house and we all have hair? It’s just a guess. We will find out within two hours when Roto-Rooter stops by. I didn’t know who to call: Roto-Rooter, Mr. Rooter, Rooter-Rooter? There is no Ms. Rooter and I didn’t see a Lesbo-Rooter because I would have definitely called Lesbo-Rooter. Maybe I should start a franchise?

I just hope whomever comes out here knows his shit, so to speak.

This morning I was greeted by arguing children over, wait for it, pajama bottoms. This was followed by my middle child talking back to me and swearing, which was followed by my taking her phone away, which was followed by her telling me how horrible her life is, which was followed by three phone calls from school. Mikayla forgot to send a paper to her teacher and needed me to email it, also she forgot her lunch and doesn’t have any money in her lunch account. Kennedy called to tell me that she had a book report due last week and didn’t do it so she needed to do it over winter break. Why is she telling me this? Because her teacher told her to. This is fine but I fail to see why this is my issue. Her book project is her responsibility.

Also I spilled a glass of orange juice on my cherry floors.

I demand a do-over. Starting yesterday.

It’s a Happy Life

It’s still cold outside and my feet are cold even though I have thick socks on. Everyday I want to take a hot bath just to warm up but then there is the business with washing my hair so I take a shower.

It’s Sunday and last Thursday I finished another term of college. No, don’t ask me how much longer I have left because I won’t tell you. Not because I’m keeping a secret from you but because I don’t really know. It seems like no matter how many terms of school I finish, I just can’t seem to get to a place that when I look at my report, it looks any better. So I just keep on going and try not to think about it so very much. You shouldn’t think about it either and if we run into each other on the street, don’t ask either.

We’ve had a nice weekend. Cher’s friend came for a visit and we had fun hanging out, going to dinner, going to movies, hanging out some more. You know. Last night we went to see That’s What She Said perform here in Portland. They were doing a benefit concert for a friend of theirs who is battling ALS. We met them when we went on our Olivia vacation last year and loved them so we were thrilled to be able to see them again. I regret that we didn’t have more time to spend with them, but hopefully they will pay us a visit another time soon.

I’m not sure what to do with myself for the next few weeks. I’ve been so focused on going to school every day and all of my other never-ending duties that it feels strange to me to not be up against any deadlines. I think I’ll try to catch up on some blogs that I’ve neglected. I feel like I’ve become disconnected with some of my blog friends. I miss you all. Send me a letter. (If you know where I got the subject line from that link, I’ll send you a chocolate.) I’m also going to re-do my blog as well but I’ve not had the creative impulse to do it. If you want to redesign my blog for me, let me know. I did finish the fourth Twilight book this morning. I really liked it (don’t judge.) Next I’m going to close my eyes and pick a book from my “Yet To Read” queue and indulge in that while I’m waiting for my creative impulses. I think they should return in a few days.

For today, I’m going to try to keep my feet warm and regale in my happy life.

Baby it’s Cold Outside!

It’s freezing in Portland. Like really cold. I don’t mind so much though because it is also sunny, which in Portland in December is like a little holiday miracle.

I crashed my car on Thanksgiving. I made a turn too fast and smashed into a tree. Can you believe that? And I’m a really good driver and very careful; this was my very first major accident. My car is at the body shop place and it will take a week to fix her. It totally sucks. No. No one was hurt. It was just Cher and I and the dogs but we were all very fine, the car did its job protecting us. I was thankful that we weren’t hurt and thankful that we’re well insured because fixing a squished car ain’t cheap people.

My column came out the other day and I hope you’ll read it. Here’s the link. It makes me sad to read it myself so I’ll warn you that it’s sad but I think that it’s important to talk about stuff like this. It’s about suicide and I wish I would have mentioned in the piece that the month where most suicides take place is January, which is just around the corner. People get bummed out and depressed around the holidays (which is kind of ironic considering that the holidays are supposed to be so joyous!) If you or someone you know is someone who gets depressed around the holidays, please reach out to them or talk to someone you trust and love. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, email me and I’ll talk to you. You can reach me here.

After you read my sad piece, read my friend Sarah’s piece about wine! It’s amazing!

I have finals this week so I need to bust out three papers in the next few days and it’s probably something I should start now. Wish me luck please, I’m teetering on getting a B in one of my classes and I’m not happy about it. If you’re in the neighborhood, please drop off some candy for me. Candy helps me to think better. If you’re in the neighborhood at night, drop off some wine. I’m out and don’t have time to go to Trader Joe’s. Red please. Thank you.

Thanks

It’s Thanksgiving in the United States. I have readers and friends from all over the world so to you I will just say Happy Thursday (except for those of you in Australia, I don’t know what day it is there.)

For the rest of my fellow Americans I would like to remind you that there are many reasons to not celebrate this holiday, mostly having to do with our forefathers raping, pillaging, murdering and thieving the land from the native people who lived here.

And there are many reason TO celebrate this holiday, mostly having to do with being grateful for the people and things that each of us have in our lives.

Some of us have more than others and some of us may be struggling today with problems that seem as though they are too insurmountable to overcome. But even if there are troubles in your life, there is always something to be thankful for.

Each person is loved. Each life is valuable and there is enough love and abundance in this world for everyone.

I am grateful for my children and family and friends and derby family. I am grateful for my dogs and my home and all of my blessings. I am grateful for my amazing wife who is currently upstairs doing my laundry so that we can pack and go away for the weekend just the two of us!

I am grateful that I woke up with her today and will go to sleep with her tonight. I am grateful that I live in a world that I can be who I am.

I am grateful for you.

What are you grateful for? I’m sure many things and I hope you will share that with the people that you love, today and every day!